Disclaimer: Joss and associates own the characters, etc. I've just got nothing better to do.
Distribution: Let me know.
Summary: Angel denies. Pltz Grb, Gift spoilers. Angsty.
Rating: PG?
Feedback: You're damn straight I want feedback. Go! Now!

I could melt inside her kiss.

You'd think that something ((cold as ice, cold as indifference, cold as never-moving stone)) with no body heat could ever really melt, but when she touches me, I do, and it's always so perfect, living and hot, sticky sweet slide. I live, and I die, in her.

((did she scream scream scream as she jumped?))

I remember the first time I kissed her, gentle hook of fingers under soft sweet chin, falling into her, sinking into her, and never wanted to let go, and she smelled so good, and when her heart thumped, it thumped in my ears, and mouth, and my own dead heart felt it echoing through and through and through.

All there was, was her, and her smile, and her heart.

((heart don't beat when you're - - ))

She slept in my bed a handful of times - times of tears, or joy, or never-ending ache - but I remember her body like I remember my own, better than I know any other.

((and there were lots of others, short and tall and long and lean, sliding in cold beds wet with blood))

She was in my bed, and I held her close, and that's the last time I was ever really free, and now I'll never be free, because she's not - -

I don't want to say that. I don't want to think that.

((it's not real it's not real it's not real it's not real))

In my head, her lips are pink as crystal candy, parting and joining with breath-filled sigh. Her eyes are sparkle-sad, and she trembles as she begs me to help her.

((my life to be with you))

I don't, and never have, and why don't I? Why don't I go there now, and maybe it's not --

maybe she's not --

If I just get there fast enough, it won't be real, and I'll have to

((turn back time))

take her in my arms and tell her it's alright and love her forever and love her forever as I'd always planned to do.

She's giggling, in my arms, and it's sweet and warm, and I know just what to say and just what to do and just how to make it all better, only it's not, and it never will be, and I want that giggle more than I want life, more than I ever wanted death, and I can't make it appear.

Where is she?

((where are you?))

Why would they do this to me?

((if I say no is this still real?))

Life is cold and lonely, but I never cared til she came and it wasn't anymore --

and it is again, now, more than it has been, because how could anything not be lonely without her near?

And, god, she's, god, she's --

((won't think it, can't make me))

We went to dinner, once, in a little Indian restaurant that had just opened up ((at home)) in Sunnydale, and she grinned at me as she ripped into her naan, and our fingers smelled of sweet tomato spice when we left. She laughed so much, that night, and it was just us, and just me, and who said I couldn't make her happy?

Her eyes sparkled, and her lips were pink, and her hands waved like wings in her excitement.

I love her so much.

Willow's here, but she is not, and I don't know if I can make myself scream like I want to, because that's all that's left and that's all that I have and why can't they see that the world has just ended?

((apocalypse kiss, make it all go away, all go away, all go away))

And then, the scream -

like roaring and screaming and rage, and look at me, and where is she, and why can't I find her inside my heart?

((it's all so lost and lonely))

I don't want to open my eyes. It's not real --

((don't lie to me don't lie to me don't lie to me))

and she didn't jump like Willow says, and she's not gone, she's just lost, and I'll find her, and it'll be okay, and I'll be okay, and she'll be okay, and we'll be okay, because I'll hug her and kiss her and she won't have jumped and she'll never jump and if I can't make you see --

((will it hurt?))

that she didn't jump.

She didn't. She wouldn't.

She wouldn't leave me here alone like that.

She's not gone.

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