These Days

Disclaimer: Joss owns the characters. Powderfinger own the song, These Days, off their newest album, Odyssey #5.
Summary: Faith reflects on her past and her heart. Emphasis on her relationships with Buffy (But not in a slashy way) and Angel.
Distribution: Sure, go ahead. Just send me an addy.
Author's Notes: When I started writing this, I didn't really know what was going to come out. I was just listening to the cd, and something in this song caught my attention.
Feedback: Yes, indeedy do

//It's coming 'round again
A slowly creeping hand
Of time and its commands//

I don't know when it happened. I don't remember when the light inside me faded, was overpowered by the anger. I don't know why it happened. I don't know how it happened.

All I know, is it happened.

Funny, when you're a kid, you dream of being special. You dress up in the fashion of a superhero, tying a towel around your neck as a cape, wearing swimming goggles as a mask. When you get older, though, those dreams slip away, replaced by dreams of romance and love, of being important and successful. Of showing all the people who made you feel so small that you're better than them...and when you find out that you really are a superhero, all you feel is anger.

//Soon enough it comes
And settles in its place
It's shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day//

You fight so hard for your life, but you really have no reason to. There's no light in this existence. No reason to survive. You fight just because you *can*... and then the warrior takes over, and you grow to cherish the battle....because it's all you have. It's all you know.

It's powerful. It's potent.

It's deadly.

//This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned//

Once you start fighting, you can't stop. It's the only source of pride in your life, and it comes as a complete surprise. You're the best at something. You're special. You feel *better* than other people.

You don't plan it. You don't mean it. It just is.

You accept it.

And then you start to need it. You need the feeling of power, of superiority... of complete and utter invincibility....

When you meet someone who can beat you, you don't really know what to think.

That's what happened with me and Buffy. I couldn't stand it...she had all this potential...I saw it in her eyes, felt it while we were training.... and she didn't use it.

Yet still, she beat me. She always beat me.

How the *hell* did she do it? I still have no clue, and it's all I've thought about for months.

What made her so special? How come she could keep fighting, keep being a warrior, and still be...a *person*. Someone who loved, someone who hated... Someone who thought.

She had an identity completely beyond being the slayer, and sometimes...I felt that I didn't.

Because, really... what do I have? Really? All the power I have, comes from being a Slayer. My confidence, my edge, my fire... I really believe it's because of who I am.

//It's coming 'round again
A slowly creeping hand
Of time and its command, yeah//

I sit here, day in, day out, and all I can do is wonder what would have happened if I'd let them in; let them help me when I really needed it. They wanted to....and I wouldn't let them.

Because I was afraid...I hate being afraid. It reminds me of when I was small...of Mom's boyfriends, sleeping in a bed only a thin wall away.

I was terrified of them. Not because they ever did anything to me, no. Most didn't even notice I was there, most of the time. They ignored me, and I was grateful.

No, I feared them because they represented my mother's indifference towards me. The longer they stayed, the more mom forgot about me.

I needed her. I loved her.

And she just didn't care.

So after a while, neither did I.

I tried never to care about anybody again.

Did a great job of that, didn't I? All my anger towards the Scooby Gang came not because I didn't want them around, but because...I did. I wanted Buffy's life. I wanted her mom, I wanted her watcher. I wanted her friends. I wanted Angel.

I wanted to be cared about.

But everytime I saw them, all I could see was that they'd never love me like they do her.

Maybe she deserves it more...

//It settles in its place
It's shadow in my face
Puts pressure in my day//

The knowledge that I'd never be like her... That I'd never be loved, or mourned, crippled me, in a way.

In the process of hating her so much, because she had all the things I didn't, I failed to notice how much she loved me.

I had a sister, and I didn't even notice until it was too late.

I'd already ruined it.

//Soon enough it comes
Here it is again
The slowly creeping end
Of time and its commands
And soon enough it comes
And settles in its place
Puts pressure in my day
Undignified and lame//

I could have been a hero. I could have stood against the darkness, with Buffy, with Angel, with all of them. I could have had them as friends.

I could have had a family.

But I was too scared. I couldn't let myself wait around, let them grow to love me. I couldn't let them in.

It nearly ruined everything.

But not quite. I still had Angel, and I was grateful. I loved him, and I understood him. He cared.

I needed that.

I still need that.

He comes to see me, and we talk. I mentioned Buffy once, and there was this flash in his eyes. I think he's a little angry with her.

I hope it's not because of me.

//This life well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned
Control well it's slipping right through my hands
These days turned out nothing like I had planned//

See, the thing is, Angel seems to think that Buffy never gave me a chance.

That's not true.

Buffy gave me every chance.

But I never gave *her* one.

I didn't believe she cared, and I couldn't let her in.

She kept trying. She wanted to save me, to help me. To protect me.

But eventually, she had to give in. And I understand that, more than you think.

As a slayer, she didn't have the luxury of unending trust. She had a whole world to look out for, and I'd waived the right to walk back in to the light too many times.

She had to give up. She couldn't let this be personal any longer.

I'm so sorry that I made her make that choice. None of this was her fault.

I know she and Angel made up, but I think that maybe he...thinks less of her now. That's not really fair.

But then, what is, really? After everything I've done, everything I've done, I know that.

I just wish I could make things right with them. Maybe I should talk to Angel about this... He needs to know some of this stuff. He's been so good to me...

I wrote to Giles, last week. The letter is still tucked under my mattress.

I haven't got the guts to send it.

//Soon enough it comes
Soon enough it comes to tie us down//

When you're in here, amongst strangers, you can't really do anything but think. Reflect upon what you've done.

It all comes crashing down. I don't think you can understand the weight of this guilt, of these thoughts, until you've done what I've done.

Let's hope you never do.

The End

A weak ending, I know. Sorry about that.

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