SPOILERS: Surprise, Becomings
SUMMARY: Journal

There's a big battle ahead. Being the Slayer, I should be used to that already. But this isn't a battle against demons. Aunt Willow's told me, that this is more a personal battle. She says that the Nightmares are coming. The Nightmares are a particularly horrific kind of demon...one which can delve into your subconcious and pull out memories of things which have caused major pain in your life. And it means I gotta be strong, and fight against everything they throw at me, because if they break me, then they've got easy access to everyone else. I remember Mom's journal saying something about that. She gave me her journals, not her diaries, but the journal's about slaying activities. The entries are really personalised though, although she talked of it as a job, slaying became her life. I was 18 when I was called, but my poor mom was only 15. She had to grow up so fast. I miss her. I wish she was here to tell me what to do. I've had enough thinking about slaying now, I'm gonna read one of the journals, I've only read up to her dream about Drusilla trying to slay Angel. There's a journal missing between January 1998, and August 1998. I can't picture my dad as being the man/vampire that Mom's written about. My dad isn't the same person, probably cos he's not a vampire anymore. So I call Dad, Angel, when I'm reading her journal because it doesn't make sense to me otherwise.

"August, 1998.

I don't know what to write. Zombies. Gone now. I'm not at school. Not allowed in. Kendra's dead. Spike and Dru have left town, true to his word. Angel's dead. He's gone. Forever."

The next few lines are too blurred with tears to read.

I knew, that for a time, Angel lost his soul, and had become, an enemy of sorts to Mom. What I don't know, is exactly what went on in those months and why Mom would think he was dead? There's been a bunch of pages ripped out here again. I guess she never wants me to know about that. Fair enough, I wouldn't really want to know what went on when Dad was bad. I could find out easily enough in the Watcher Diaries, if the need took me, but I don't want to know. I turn the page, and there's a small note folded inside, addressed to me.

"Dear Missy,

Well, I guess you realise there are pages missing from this journal...There's reason's behind that. Reasons which I don't think you want to know. Reason's which I don't want you to know, and not because they're big secrets, just because they are terrifying. And they caused me a lot of pain, and I couldn't face you ever going through the same thing. But know this. They were horrifying times, and I don't think life could possibly get much worse than it did. I know you don't need to read them, because they'll twist your mind, make you bitter and cynical towards love, and that's not something you need at (18?, 19?...I don't know how old you'll be when you're called). I survived. And I know, god forbid, that if something as bad as that happened to you, you'd survive too. You're a fighter Missy, and don't I know it! When I was pregnant with you, in the last few months, you kicked me so much, I was pretty much lying down all the time! I love you honey,

Mom"

I'm in tears again. Damn, I hate that I can't treasure her words so much, because the words don't cause me pain, but the fact that the only way I can hear my mother is through her words, does.

Go to the next story Love of a Mother 12

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