SPOILERS: A little tiny one for Becoming 2. But you'd have to have seen it to get it.
SUMMARY: Angel's not the only one who's missing someone.

Hey honey.

I am happy you know. Those times when you feel my soul, or my presence, they're just visits. I do miss you, you know. People don't realise it, but heaven wouldn't be perfect if I couldn't see how everyone was doing!

I'm looking at you, and I hope you can move on. It hurts me to see you this unhappy. Your beautiful face is tear-streaked. It makes me want to move close, and encircle you, but I'm not allowed. It's kinda one of the rules, yeah, I realise I was never one for rules, but this is a good one. If I was to appear to you, then it would be harder for you to move on.

Thats why I only visit at nights. And only some nights. This is because, at night you're tired, and if for some reason, my presence becomes visible, your mind will recognise it as a dream. I sound like a watcher, or something.

You're sleeping now. I'm glad, because I can read your thoughts, and much as I love you, I don't want to know everything you're thinking. I had a bad experience, remember? It nearly drove me insane.

I walk across, and run an ethereal hand across your face. It's still so beautiful, but even in sleep you know little peace. You whimper, and cry my name, and your pillow is wet with your tears. I can do this though. I put my hand to your head, and I can make your dreams pleasant. I search my mind for a memory that'll make you laugh, or at least be happy. I settle on that occasion, just before I got pregnant with Maighan, where Willow cast that spell which went wrong, and everybody was stuck in their ultimate fantasies. That was a good spell remember?

Hush now baby. I wait long enough to see that the dreams are working. I walk through the house which was so dear to me when I was alive, and into the first bedroom. Maighan.

I wish she were a little younger, because maybe then, she wouldn't be so affected by my death. I so wanted to be the best mom to her, I wanted her to feel she could tell me anything, but that kinda went out the window when I died. I've written all those letters, but its not the same, is it? I want to be there. At least, I can see her grow up. I smooth the pretty blonde hair out of her face. She's gonna be such a honey, you'll be fighting the boys out of the house. Actually, Angel, I wish I could be there for that. I can just see you getting all protective!

I give my baby a kiss, and move on to Kieran's room.

I always wanted a little boy, one who I could dress up in little sneakers, and jeans. I pull the bed covers back, and try hard to suppress the laugh which threatens to spill out of my mouth. He's wearing pajamas which I know HAD to be a present from Xander.

This guy, I can see it already is going to be like his daddy. Tall, dark, but he'd better not be broody. The letter I've left Xander, one which he should have read already, instructs him, in no uncertain terms, that he must pass my son his sense of humour. I mean, this boy is going to need it. His elder sister is a hybrid, in some ways. She's pretty strong. His younger sister is going to be a slayer, and he's just a normal little boy. I stroke his brow, and kiss his cheek.

I love Missy's room. It's decorated all in pink. She's such a girls girl in some ways, and a tom boy in others. I look at my sleeping baby, and this is where I get upset. She's gonna be a slayer. I know it. Willow knows it. But Angel doesn't. And, I hope like hell, he doesn't find out til she's at least 16. Because she's so young and because she has psychic abilities which are part and parcel of being a slayer, there's ways I can communicate with her, when I can't with others. I use my powers and slide into her dreams, which although aren't prophetic yet, will be when she's called.

"Mommy? Mommy?"

"Hey sweetie. How was school today?" Just normal conversation. I don't think she has grasped the idea of "death" yet.

"Mommy!! She's running towards me, and suddenly she's in my arms. "I love you mommy". She gives me a big kiss.

"Mommy...I drawed you a pic-chur today but Misses Phillups wouldn't let my bring it home. She said I should put it on the wall. But I said it was for mommy, and she just gave me a funny smile."

"I know honey, I saw it. I loved it"

I have to leave her mind now. Any longer and she'll remember the dreams. This is where it hurts. This is where I hate letting go. My eyes are welling up with tears, and I can't bring myself to leave. There's a comforting presence on my shoulder, and I hear a voice

"Buffy. I tink dat its time to go. Ya know dat we can't spend long."

I smile at Kendra. The Jamaican slayer (ex-slayer? I wonder) smiles back, and we leave together.

Go to the next story Love of a Mother

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