Summary: Short story that I might turn into a trilogy. There's really no summary... just read!!!
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nada. Please don't sue.
Distribution: Ask, and you shall receive.
Author's Note: It's from Buffy's POV, "he" is Riley, and "you" is Angel, just in case it confuses you... cuz it never really names anyone...

I'm still afraid. I'm still afraid of the eternal darkness, of death. I'm still afraid of losing the little light I have. My light. My friends, my family, my purpose. I never thought it would be my light, that purpose, that sacred duty. But it is. It keeps me going when all I want to do is curl up and let that cold darkness in. What's your light? What keeps you sane and good in the hours of ebony night?

I can almost see your response. "You." Is what you'd say. I almost smile at that. It's silly, really. *You're the one freaky thing in my freaky world that still makes sense to me.* I said that once to you. Told you it straight from my heart. You took some of me with you when you left. You took that part of me. The part that loves, completley and unconditionally. You took it... It's yours, for eternity.

What do I have? A scar? A ring? A necklace? A book? It's funny... I think I only have one in my actual possesion. The ring was given in exchange for you. The book, lost. The scar? Healed with time. Just like the pain. Just like the anger. But... they say love never dies. They're right, at least true love.

Patrolling is just one of my sanctuaries. If you could call it that. A sanctuary in hunting. A home as a predator. Seeking saftey like seeking death. Ironic.

I'm drifting now. Going through the motions while I drift apart from myself. Seperating my soul in two. The part of me that belongs to you just likes to watch, while the other part likes to pretend I don't need you. I know it's wrong. I can see it as plain as day. But she can't. She likes to think she can move on, that she can love again, be happy again.

He's kissing me now. Stealing that secret kiss like an eager lover. He's sweet and gentle. Smiling at me. And I feel it. That flame of happiness creeping up on me as his lips descend to mine. He wants me. Not just physically. He wants my soul, my heart, my body, my mind. He wants to love all of me, he wants me to love all of him. But it's impossible. I've seen that kind of love. It can't be duplicated. It can't be replaced. I can't give him what I know he wants.

But he's kissing me again, his hands teasing my flesh. And I smile, the warm fuzzy feeling creeping up from my stomach. Saftey in his love. Saftey from the pain I've seen, from the dread filling me. It's cold, that dread. Are you feeling it? Can you feel me like I feel you? Are you hovering there over me or is it just my imagination? Is it just my hope perching on my soul, like a vulture, waiting to pounce?

I smile at him, giving him what he wants for now. A perfect girlfriend. Possibly the love his life. But I've already had my love. I've already gotten my chance. And I gave it up. I let you go. We gave up on something that should have been eternal. Should have been immortal. We gave up.

Some say that the heart knows no bounds. And it's true, in a way. I never thought I'd love someone like you. I never thought I'd be willing to give my life, my soul, my mind and heart all for one person. And you're not even a person. I fell in love with someone I should have hated. But I couldn't. Our love is undeniable.

I feel guilt suddenly. Here I am patrolling with my new boyfriend, thinking of my soulmate, thinking of you. Wanting you. Wishing you were here.

He makes me forget sometimes. He makes me forget that there ever was a love with pain and angst. That there ever was such a passion between us that it bound us together forever. But you're always there. Hovering in that part of me that won't let go, that won't move on, that won't forget completley.

I've had dreams of you. Human dreams. Naked dreams. Dreams of you warm skin flush against mine. Dreams of blunt, human teeth scraping my neck without feeling the need to bite down. Dreams of of you, buried deep inside me, plunging into my depths, screaming my name. Dreams of perfection, something I can't ever have.

I was a virgin when you took me. You took my virginity, a part of me I can't take back. But you had me long before then. You had me before I even knew what you were.

He doesn't know me. He knows only what I allow him to see. Only what I feel he wants to see. I told you once that he knew me, I told you he trusts me, and I trust him. But does he know me? Can he know me if I only let him see the parts of me I want him to see? can he ever truley know me?

When Faith stole my body, he didn't see her. He only saw my face, he only saw my body, he couldn't see her. Does he know me? Can he know me? Will he ever know me?

I'd trust him with my life, because I know he loves me. And he trusts me, but only because he thinks he knows me. Because he thinks I love him.

You saw my soul. You knew my soul. You know my soul now. But can it ever be shared? Do I want it to be shared?

I never asked you to leave me. I never wanted you to. I loved you, and for me, it was enough. But you loved me enough to want more for me, to want me to experience the things you wanted for youself. I wanted them too, but I can't, can I?

I live in the darkness. I'm the Slayer. It's who I am. I love the sunlight, I don't take it for granted. I know you did, when you were human. And now you take every chance you can to see it.

I can't have children. I'm the Slayer. I know what lives out there in the darkness. I know what goes bump in the night. Death would be a given for me or my child if I ever chose that path. But who's to say I'd live long enough?

Love. Sex. You wanted that. I wanted that. I still do. But I have it all the time with him. And it's wonderful, hey it's sex. It's supposed to be. But it's just sex. It's fucking. Vulgar, isn't it? We made love. We connected in ways most people don't know how to. I miss that. I want that. But I can never have that.

I gave up on those things a long time ago. I accepted, I moved on. The way I saw it, having you was better. As long as you were there, it was worth it. But then you left. You left so I could move on, so I could have those things I'd always wanted but could never have. But guess what, I still can't. And if even I could, I'd only want them with you. Maybe I could accept having those things with another person. But it's not what I want. It's not what I need.

You say you don't deserve me. But, do you I deserve you? You love me unconditionally. But I keep wavering back and forth. Owen, Scott, Riley. How can you still love me after I choose the world over you?

We're in bed now. Climbing to a peak of ecstasy, a peak formed of lust. And as I reach it, I can't help but define how I feel. It's always like that, always will be, without you. Almost Whole... It's just the way it is...

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