DISCLAIMER: Don't own any of the characters, all property to Joss and co.
TIMELINE: Post Barganing/Flooded
SPOILERS: I guess Barganing and flooded
SYNOPSIS: Buffy is going to go see Angel after he called her in 'Flooded',
just her thoughts on angel, her friends etc. - Be warned it is ANGSTY!!
DISTRIBUTION: To anyone! Just gotta ask me -
AUTHOR'S NOTES: VERY angsty!!! Oh yeah, hi everyone I'm new to the list :)
FEEDBACK: Definitely!! - yeah I know I've mentioned
it 3 times lol
RATING: PG
*breathe in....out..in..out..*
Sometimes I forget to breathe and then little dots dance infront of my eyes and I remember again....
*in..out...in...out...*
I forget to do a lot of things lately, eat, sleep, drink, laugh, smile...
*in...out..in...out...*
Not being...not existing...not living..it kinda does that to you..makes you forget..
*in...out..in...out..*
My friends are constantly around me, trying to get me to be me again....but who was I...am I?
*in...out...in..out..*
I'm never really there, when they're around, they make jokes and try to get me to laugh, but my mind is always someplace else.....
*in...out..in..out..*
Resentment....that's what I feel when I see them...they don't understand what they ripped me away from...eternal peace...happiness...
*in...out..in..out...*
He wants to see me....Angel....I feel like he's the only one I can really talk to...
*in..out...in...out..*
When I told the others I was going to see him, their faces fell, because their precious Buffy was going away for a little bit...usually I would sympathise, but I have no sympathy for them anymore...don't think I ever will...
*in..out..in..out..*
The leaving Sunnydale sign flashes angrily at me as the bright afternoon sun washes over it...it reminds me of when I left, when I killed Angel...I wish I could just leave forever...
*in..out..in..out..*
I wonder if I will ever be me again, I know that's what they think everytime they look at me, they want their best friend, their sister, their slayer....I don't know if I can give them that...maybe they don't deserve it...
*in..out..in..out..*
He does...deserves me...the everything me...I've gotten over the whole leaving thing, I know he had to, nothing perfect ever lasts..not even me...I know that if he was in Sunnydale at the time, he wouldn't have let them bring me back...he knows what its like...
*in..out..in..out..*
Him...always comes back to him...every single time..every single moment..always leads back to him..he causes me pain and sadness but the love I feel when I see him, even if for a second, makes up for all of that...
*in..out..in..out..*
I see his car outside the little cafe we agreed to meet at..I wonder if he'll run away with me forever..I park the car next to his...I look up at the glowing neon sign 'Jackie's Cafe', it flashes in time with my breathing...
*in..out..in..out..*
I can see him in the cafe, he's sitting in a little booth pretending to be interested in the menu before him...I get out of the car and my legs feel like jelly....
*in..out..in..out..*
He senses me automatically and then suddenly he's outside and standing infront of me and everything that I planned to say escapes me and I'm standing there dumbfounded...
"Buffy...."
I feel lightheaded and lean against the car, trying to steady myself...little dots dance infront of my eyes and I remember to breathe....just breathe...
*in..out..in..out..*
He does that to me everytime...makes me forget to breathe...I don't need dying to do that, all I have to do is see him or hear him and then the little dots dance infront of eyes warningly, telling me if I don't breathe then maybe I won't breathe again....
*in..out..in..out..*
His arms pull me into his cold, yet comforting embrace and I feel the world slip away...
"Run away with me forever..."
He sighs, we both know that could never happen, but I can dream can't I?
*in..out..in..out..*
We stand there for what feels like hours but is really only mere minutes...he leads me inside and we sit at the booth he was at a couple of minutes ago...
*in..out..in..out..*
He doesn't need to say anything, I know what he's thinking, what he's feeling, because I'm feeling it too...I love how we can do that...no words have to be exchanged just sitting in each others presences, sometimes touching, sometimes not...that's all I need....
*in..out..in..out..*
I lean my head against his shoulder and he places his arm around me protectively....even though he doesn't want to lose me again, he understands that one day he will...because that's just the way it is...we're born...we live...we die...it's as simple as that...
*in..out..in..out..*
But I'm one of the few lucky ones who got to experience pure and true love, I know what it feels like to be loved with such passion and to return it just as greatly as recieved, I'm glad I had that experience...glad it was with Angel...see always leads back to him...
*in..out..in..out..*
"I don't know if I can love them again..."
"You will...you know it.."
Yeah, I guess I do...but there will always be something that will hold me back....
*in..out..in..out..*
"When I jumped, I realised that I never got to tell you things..things that you only remember in the last few seconds of your life..."
"What things?"
"I understand why you left and I would have too if I was you...no matter what and who life throws at us I'll always love you...you'll always have a part of me that no-one else can touch..."
*in..out..in..out..*
"I don't want you to feel indebted to me, I want you to experience life to the fullest."
"And I will, I just wanted you to know."
He bends his head and kisses me on the forehead, I raise my head and he kisses me lightly on the lips..we both want more, but we know that wanting is bad for us, so he plays it safe and pulls away in time...before the passion gets too intense to control..
*in..out..in..out..*
"Buffy, you know that I love you don't you? That you drive me completely crazy, you make me laugh like no-one can, you make me feel like somebody, you make me...me.."
I look up at him and tears glisten in his deep, dark, eyes.
*in..out..in..out..*
"We always make each other cry, don't we?"
He laughs and I smile...a genuine smile...the real Buffy smile...it feels good..
*in..out..in..out..in*
His smile quickly fades, when he notices the time...I was aware..of the time...guess I thought by not mentioning it, it would just delay the inevitable for that little bit longer...
"I've..got..-"
"I know."
I don't want to hear him say it...hurts too much...
*in..out..in..out..*
Before I know what's happening he's kissing me goodbye and I'm watching the tail lights of his car, they're like red evil, angry eyes that are taunting me, laughing at how I can't have him...ever...
I watch them until I can't see them anymore, I run forward in vain trying to catch one last glimpse...
I don't cry..all cried out...the empty pain in my chest has taken over the tears....
I stumble back to my car and the little dots come back to dance for me again...
Oh yeah, I've got to breathe...just breathe...that's right....forgot again...guess he did it to me again...
*in..out..in..out..*
The Welcome to Sunnydale sign shines in the moonlight, mocking me with it's pristine appearance....
*in..out..in..out..*
"How was Angel?"
My mind is bought back to reality by the mention of his name, I look up at Willow and my throat tightens and my head throbs.....
The dots are back with a vengeance, they're bigger and darker and they mock me joyfully, dancing and swaying to silent music....
"Buffy?!"
The darkness envelopes me like the cruel night and then I finally remember I have to breathe....
He always does that to me....even at the mention of his name...makes me forget...forget to.... just breathe....
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