Summary: A discussion and some decisions between Buffy and Angel
Content: Warning! Angst!
Disclaimer: They aren't mine and much to my dismay never will be.
Distribution: My site: anyone else ask first and chances are I'll say yes.
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Minor spoilers through season 4 of Buffy and season 1 of Angel
Author's Note: This is my first completed fic. The whole idea came from a comment a girl in my Stat class made about what Buffy is like now. That being "Hi I'm Buffy and these are my breasts." Mean I know but it made me think and this was the result.
Dedication: To Jessica Leza for making the comment and being the most eccentric person I've ever met. Thanks to Jess 'cause she beta read it and told me it didn't suck and then forced me to send it. And Sab cause she actually read it.
Feedback: Please please. It's my first, well sort of first fic, and it would be nice to know that it doesn't suck or anything

Somebody told me the wrong way
What if I died?
What did I give?
I hope it was an answer so you might live
I hope I helped you live
I hope I helped you live
Somebody told me the wrong way

*****

The tension in the air was thick. They stood apart, one on the left side of the room, the other on the right: eyeing each other warily. They both knew there was nothing to fear, physically at least, emotionally and mentally. well that was an entirely different matter.

The others had left as soon as the fight was over and the demons destroyed. They were all that remained: Buffy and Angel. Two parts of one whole, incomplete without the other. Apart.

Apart. Alone. Incomplete. They were both familiar with the words and the feelings. They were etched on their hearts, felt everyday, in every free moment.

Buffy looked at the dark man across from her. He looked okay, just like before- no changes. She had almost expected them, they had been apart for two years and she had changed so much and he was still the same. Could he see the differences? Not the physical ones, but the internal ones. With the way that he was looking at her with those dark piercing eyes, boring into her, could he? This was too much, this tension and those eyes. It was more than she could stand.

"Stop" she whispered. "stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like that. Like you can see inside me and see the differences. Like you know me when you don't"

"Like I don't know you?" He queried, his penetrating eyes betrayed a hint of confusion and for a moment the spell was broken. The spell that made her weak when he looked at her, and made her want to beg him to come back.

"No"

"What?" he said looking even more perplexed.

Her cheeks colored- she hadn't even realized that she had said it aloud. Might as well get this over with and let him know that she knew his secret.

"No, I am not going to give into you. I'm not going to be weak when you look at me like that." Buffy declared pulling the strength to herself as if it were a cloak and raising her gaze to meet his. She could do this. She was strong. She was the Slayer. But why did her heart feel like it was full of lead?

"Buffy what do you mean, what are you talking about."

"I know your secret."

"And you say I'm the cryptic one" he muttered, "What are you talking about?" "I know your secret, I know what you didn't tell me. I KNOW what you left out. I know that the curse is permanent and you can't lose your soul. THAT is what you left out."

He didn't expect that. His eyes were wide and he no longer had the annoyed countenance of a man being left out in the dark.

"How did you find out" he demanded stalking forward and grabbing her shoulders "How!?"

"It doesn't matter!" she yelled back. "That's not important. What really matters is that you kept that information from me! That's just not right, Angel. I thought you loved me!"

"I do love you! But what did you expect of me. I left for you! For you to find a nice normal boy and to have the nice normal life that you always talked about remember!"

"That's not important either" she yelled back "This was our happiness Angel and apparently I didn't matter enough that I didn't even warrant a call or a note or whatever!"

"I was going to call!"

"Why didn't you!?"

"Why should I interfere when you seemed perfectly happy with your new boyfriend- picnics and driving lessons and sex- NORMAL activities and all that. Not darkness and death with a creature that isn't even close to being human. I left, Buffy, for your own good and looking back, for mine too! I used to regret it but now I'm not so sure. You mentioned all of the changes and the differences and I may not be a part of your life anymore but I'm not so sure I like this 'new' and 'improved' Buffy!"

"That's right, you walked out. You left, why should you have any say in the way I am or what I have done? You were too much of a coward to stay with me and face your fears. But that's right, you aren't a man, why try?" she spat.

It was a low blow and she knew it- the look in his eyes told her everything. It hurt him. It hurt to be reminded of what he could never be. A part of her rejoiced in the pain in his eyes. Retribution her mind whispered. Revenge. It was the part of her that had been in control since he left- her mind; she had locked her heart away. It gets in your way she had told herself, it's not smart to let your heart lead her friends had said. So she had done it. She locked away the conflicting emotions and the love and the pain and let her mind rule. After two years, the heart that had loved so deeply was a mere whisper in the whirling maelstrom of her mind. Sometimes late at night it would escape the confines and for a moment she would relive it all: every touch, kiss and embrace. Then morning would come and her world would yet again come crashing down around her ears.

The silence filled the room. They had both quit shouting at each other and had retreated. He had backed up and hunched in on himself. Looking back she realized that he did that a lot- drawing in on himself, and seemingly trying to make himself smaller and less noticeable than he really was. He was staring at the floor, burning holes into the old wood. She knew that this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have- he would rather just live with his memories of the bright bubbly girl who thought he was the end all and be all of her life.

"Why are you so selfish" she shot at him "Why do you always play with my emotions like they don't matter. You make all the decisions! Would it have hurt you so much so have at least consulted me!"

Angel looked at her again- really looked at her; in her. The pain in his eyes was a tangible thing. His gaze slid over her face and up to the rafters above her head. "I did what I thought was best for you and me." She was about to interrupt and negate what he was about to say but his gaze returned to her face yet again- sharper than the last time and with a silent warning. His eyes didn't leave hers when he started again. "I told myself it was right, and I knew that it was. I didn't want it to be but that's just the way it was. At first it was just for you. I was bad for you, I held you back from all that you could be and stunted your amazing potential.

He turned away from her and ran his hands through his unruly hair. She couldn't see his eyes but she could hear his voice and the raw pain evident shook her to the bones.

"I had almost convinced myself, but after being away from you for so long: I realized something. I didn't leave for you."

He spun around suddenly and grabbed her shoulders, bringing her close.

"I didn't leave for you. I left for me. As much as I loved you, and still love you. I couldn't be me. I couldn't be the real me because I didn't know who that person was. You were smothering me, I couldn't tell at the time but it was like my whole existence was that of 'Buffy's creature of the night boyfriend' and all I did was help you. Not that it's a bad thing. But I left for me, so I could know that I was someone and that I meant something. That I was capable of being more than just a vampire with a soul. Take it for what it's worth: believe me or not. But that's the truth- the reasons I couldn't voice then."

"And what's changed now?" She demanded after she had found her voice. The power of his statements and the pain and longing in his voice had stunned her. She had thought that he simply hadn't cared, but this.

She shook her head. It didn't matter. He had left and then he had kept something from her and it wasn't his right. She was the one who was supposed to be angry and she was going to stay that way.

In response to her question he head came up and he glared at her "Nothing, I guess" he mumbled. I did what I had to do. I know who I am; I know what my purpose is. I have no more questions and I've resigned my self to my fate I guess you could say. The question would be what do you want? You said earlier tonight that I always made decisions without consulting you. Your right, I've done that and you have done that. We've both made mistakes in our time together and apart. I'm putting myself in your hands this time, break my heart, and take me back. Do what you will. Tell me what you want and I'll do it.

She thought hard about it. Everything she wanted was right in front of her. He was offering her everything. She bit her lip in consternation. True, he had lied by omission and done stupid things without her consent but, and her mind rebelled at the thought, she loved him. He was her soul mate, her everything.

For a moment her heart shown in her eyes and Angel thought there might be a chance. She would take him back- the mistakes would fade away and it would only be them again. Them and no one else, like it had been. The indecision was written across her face. She may have said that she had changed but he had always been able to read her.

The fact that she had to think about is scared him. Angel had always thought that when it came to love you did what your heart told you. Brains were a part of it, you couldn't let it rush over your head like waves upon the shore and drag you out to sea. If anything, he had learned that to survive you had to keep your head above the water and fight for all you were worth.

He had always assumed that when the time came and they were both ready, there would be no more thinking. There would only be love and acceptance. As the time rolled on Angel thought that maybe he had it all wrong and what he felt was something completely different than what she felt after all.

He gazed at her and it was almost like he could see the blinds being drawn across her eyes: blocking her heart from his view. Her face changed and he was no longer able to read it. Her decision was made.

"Leave please" she whispered "I can't do this again, I can't give myself to someone who has hurt me like you have. Please just leave and don't come back."

He looked at her. She had seen many expressions on his face but the one he was displaying now was something completely different. It was almost like a combination of shock, horror and a broken heart. His eyes were the worst off all. Deep within the depths she could see his raw emotions- could see everything.

The look didn't fade and she didn't back down; her pride and her mind wouldn't let her. She would not grovel and beg after she had told him her decision.

Angel nodded and turned on his heel, his black duster flying behind him and then settling around the curves of his body. He opened the old door and stepped out- blocking the light that filtered in from the signs and streetlights.

And then he was gone, there was no resounding thud of the door slamming shut and signaling the end of something beautiful and amazing. It closed with a whisper- silent and unnoticed.

Just like him she thought. He came into my life as silently and stealthily as a cat and left the same way.

The dam finally broke and the tears flooded her eyes. The world tilted at a dizzying angle and she sat down with an oomph. After two years of pretending, and lying and listening to everyone else but herself she cried over him and their relationship for the first time. Her heart had finally broken down the self-imposed barriers and was back to where it should be. But it was too late. He was gone and it was her fault. This time there was no one to blame.

What had she done?

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