DISCLAIMER: No I don’t own them, but if I did the world would be a better
place.
SUMMARY: This is a story of lost identities and the struggle to discover who
it is you really are.
AUTHOR’S NOTES: Buffy has found her friends. Everything should be fine,
right? Not in the Buffy universe...
SPOILERS: Anything and everything. Blah blah blah.
DISTIBUTION: This story’s for all. Anybody can feel free to put it on their
site if they let me know about it first. And please do, because I would love
to have some work posted!
FEEDBACK: You know you want to.
RATING: PG
~*~*~*~*
Strong is fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's
what we have to do.
-‘Amends’
~*~*~*~*
“Hey Will”.
Willow Roseburg stopped, and her jaw dropped in stunned shock. Buffy didn’t know anything to say, so she just stood back in silence.
Her friend was beautiful at twenty-seven, a slender woman with graceful curves that made it clear she was eating well here in this Wicca district, unlike a lot of them, and rich red hair that fell in waves over her shoulders.
Buffy’s relief was overwhelming.
“Mommy?” the little girl’s voice startled the two women out of their staring contest, and Willow turned back, keeping Buffy in her sights in the corner of her eye.
“Mommy, is it the mean man again?” the small voice asked timidly.
Willow swallowed, glancing at Buffy again, whose hand had flown to her mouth at the sight of the gorgeous little girl behind her. She had long curly hair the exact fiery shade of Willow’s that fell to her waist in a neat braid, and her green eyes glanced up between them uncertainly. She had to be no more than three, and a carbon copy of Willow herself.
“It’s not the mean man, Danielle, sweetie”, Willow quickly reassured her. “It’s… it’s a-a friend”. Her voice was a croak.
Tears sprung to Buffy’s eyes at the title and the fact that she had a blossoming daughter she’d had no idea even existed.
“Oh, God Will”, she cried.
“Buffy!”
Willow came forward suddenly she surprised Buffy and Angel both, and then she was clinging to Buffy with superb strength, tears streaming down her face and burying her head against her friend’s shoulder as uncontrollable sobs wracked her body.
A lump formed in Buffy’s throat, and she allowed herself to sag against the other woman in relief, then remorse as tears clouded her vision.
She’s alive, she thought joyfully. Willow’s really alive.
“Will?”
The familiar male voice jolted Buffy out of her brief sanctuary in Willow’s arms, and she pulled back as he came into view, petting Danielle lightly on the head, but his handsome and now clearly much older features twisted into a look of concern.
“Will, what’s the trauma?”
He stopped dead in his tracks when his dark coal black eyes met with Buffy’s.
“Oh God”.
“Xander”, Buffy forced out in a chocked whisper, and tears pooled over in her eyes again. “Xander, it’s me.”
“Buffy?” he murmured, lower lip trembling.
She saw his love for her then, not the love of a boyfriend, but a brother. The special love he had for her than she could never replace.
A tear coursed down his cheek, where a fresh line of stubble made them rough and shadowed. “Oh God”, he repeated.
Willow moved out of the way just as he moved forward, encircling her in his arms in a crushing embrace. She could feel him shudder and his palm moved of its own accord as it unconsciously sought out the back of her head, cradling it towards him as he closed his eyes, as if to be sure she was really there.
When he opened them again he saw Angel standing awkwardly behind her, and he slowly drew away, meeting his gaze evenly, and instantly regaining his composure.
There was still that same level of animosity between them, Buffy felt it, and she tensed, unsure what to expect.
But after a moment, Xander just nodded at him, and glanced down at Buffy once more.
“You guys should come inside.”
~*~*~*~*
The kitchen wasn’t particularly roomy, but Buffy could see that Willow had taken care to keep it neat and tidy, everything was stacked neatly and the floor and shelves were spotless.
Now that their poignant reunion was past, an awkward silence had filled the room. Buffy and Angel sat on one side of the table in the hard backed wooden chairs, and Willow on the other, with Danielle nursed lightly on her knee. The child stared at the newcomers with a intelligence way past her years, and Buffy got the feeling she would be just as smart as her mother one day.
Xander stood apart from the rest, back rested against the cabinet behind Willow’s chair, arms crossed casually over his chest, but it was clear his stance to her was protective, and it relieved Buffy to know that he looked after her.
His attitude had changed now that the full meaning of her being here – alive – had hit him, and he observed both of them with vigilance she understood.
“How long have you guys been here?” Buffy asked softly, to break the silence if nothing else. The discomfiture between them chilled her, when once everything had been so open and relaxed.
Willow was concentrating on the wood grain of the table like it was the more fascinating thing in the world. “Um, nearly four years now, I think”.
She glanced up at Xander for confirmation, and he nodded. “We came here after Sunnydale was taken over, and after moving around for a while we found this place.”
“The people are nice”, Willow added quietly. “They’re all witches, or most of them are anyway. So we can be pretty open about anything, and they understand.”
Buffy licked her lips, and glanced at Xander. “Danielle? Is she…?”
“Not mine”, he muttered, and she sensed something off there.
After a moment’s pause, he met her gaze. “Willow was… raped a few years ago”.
There was no mistaking the look behind his eyes, the accusation, though he had the good grace not to say it.
Something within Buffy died.
Willow was raped?
And you weren’t here to protect her, some inner voice accused. Tears formed behind her eyes again, but she quickly blinked them away.
“It doesn’t matter, Buffy”, Willow whispered softly. There was a weakness about her Buffy hadn’t understood, but she did now, and she knew why the Wicca noticeably relied on Xander so much.
Willow smiled faintly, and then unconsciously tucked a strand of Danielle’s soft hair behind one ear. “It gave me Danielle, and that’s enough.”
Buffy nodded in understanding. God, she missed Dawn so much.
“What about you guys?” Xander asked, and there was a minor edge in his tone. “Are you… back together?”
Buffy’s eyes widened, and she exchanged a glance with Angel.
“Oh, no. We’re not… I only got back to town a few days ago”, she explained hastily, bothered by the comment. “I found Angel… through Amy, actually. Remember Amy?”
Willow nodded mutely.
Buffy looked down. “She wasn’t uh… too well. The magick… well, you know where she was headed the last time we saw her”.
“So you haven’t seen anyone else?” Xander asked warily. “From Sunnydale?”
“Faith, Cordelia and Wesley are with Angel”, Buffy offered.
“Faith?” Willow asked sharply.
“She’s good now”, Angel murmured, the first he had spoken on arrival.
“Right, cuz we believed that the last time that happened”, Xander said sourly.
Angel looked annoyed, and Buffy cut in before Xander could say anymore.
“I also saw… Spike”, she went on haltingly.
Xander stopped, and Willow looked up in surprise.
“You… did?” the redhead said in incredulity.
Buffy bit her lip, uncomfortable under their sudden scrutiny. She was starting to wish she hadn’t spoken up at all.
“He got you guys out of town, didn’t he?” she asked. She wanted to know if Spike had told her the truth.
Willow nodded. “Yeah. Us, and Dawn… Anya disappeared on her own, so we don’t know if she’s…” Her green eyes ticked to Xander, and she trailed off. “He stayed with us until we got to L.A.” The redhead explained. “Then he… well, we don’t really know what happened to him. We never expected him to stay with us, and we figured he just… moved on.” She looked over at Angel uncertainly. “He um… he said he was going back to Sunnydale… to look for you. But I guess he never found you.”
Angel frowned, but didn’t say anything.
“He’s uh…” Buffy crinkled her brow, and hesitated. “He’s evil again now.”
She pointed to the faded bruise on her jaw for emphasis.
Willow looked slightly deflated at this, proving to Buffy she had been rather fond of the guy, but Xander just snorted with derision.
“Colour me stunned”, he snapped. “This actually comes as a surprise to you girls?”
Willow looked caught. “Well, he was a-a big help to us… and he did have a soul”, she stammered nervously. “He never… tried to go against us”.
“Yeah, not when Buffy was in town. He probably wanted to make sure she never kicked his blonde bomb outta there, and made himself nice and comfy over the Hellmouth gaining our trust instead. Only a matter of time before he would have stabbed us in the back”.
“It doesn’t take a soul to make a good person”, Angel murmured softly.
Buffy looked at him in surprise. “What?”
Xander pointed at him. “See? Least someone around here who ISN’T me has some sense, know what I mean? And Dead Boy should know what he’s talkin’ about, now shouldn’t he?”
Something crossed Angel’s face at the words ‘Dead Boy’, but Buffy assumed it was just because they miffed him.
“He didn’t have to help us”, Buffy muttered.
“It’s Buffy’s supposed death that did it”, Willow added thoughtfully. “I mean we all know that’s the real reason. Without you around for six years, I guess he finally convinced himself that that was just… over. There was no reason to stay good, was there? I mean, without Dru he had no reason to stay evil, so maybe it’s just like that, you know?”
Angel narrowed his eyes. “Wait a minute”, he spoke up slowly. “You’re saying that Spike was in love with Buffy?”
“Aren’t we quick on the uptake?” Xander retorted.
Willow’s eyes bulged. “I… um… well… oh, crap”.
“Yes, Spike was in love with me”, Buffy said tetchily. “But the key word being ‘was’ as in past tense. He’s evil now, isn’t he? I think this bruise more than proves he was ready to kill me once and for all”.
“Let’s hope”, Xander grumbled to himself under his breath.
“Look, Spike isn’t important. What about Dawn? Is she alive?”
Xander and Willow exchanged a glance, then both noticed at the same time the worried expression on Angel’s face that didn’t spark from concern for the youngest Summers.
He knew.
“She’s… alive”, Willow admitted unwillingly. “I think that’s… all that really matters though, right?”
Buffy frowned. “What? What do you mean ‘all that matters’? Do you know where she is? You do, don’t you? Why aren’t you telling me?”
Xander pursed his lips. “Why don’t you ask your friend Angel there”, he said darkly. “Seems to me he knows something he shouldn’t”.
Angel glared at him. “Thanks a lot, Xander.”
Buffy turned on him, and she knew he was hiding something from her immediately. He knows where Dawn is?
“You knew where Dawn was and you didn’t TELL me?” she fumed. She felt slightly betrayed.
“ – Buffy, I know why Angel didn’t tell you, and I wouldn’t have either”, Willow cut in brusquely; voice more with its familiar authority. She shot Xander a murderous glare. “Buffy, Dawn… you know what she’s like. You can’t tell her what to do, and now she’s an adult… even more so.”
“So where is she?” Buffy demanded, dangerously close to snapping.
Willow remained strangely calm in the face of her wrath, despite the fact that Danielle shifted nervously on her knees at the sudden raised voices.
“Dawn’s a stripper, Buffy”, Willow said flatly.
Buffy snorted, about to burst into laughter, when she caught the grim expression held by all three of her friends, and stopped.
“Oh God, you’re serious, aren’t you?” she said dully.
Xander sighed over Willow’s head. “I wouldn’t… go looking for her, either, Buff”, he continued uneasily. “She… she might need time to adjust to your being… back.”
There was something in his tone that said, ‘If she ever does at all’.
Buffy looked away. Someone ought to blame her, she knew, but it was her own sister? It was a hard reality to grasp. And it didn’t sound like she was very willing to put the past behind them.
But I asked for it, didn’t I, she thought contemptuously. I asked for all of this when I deserted them. It’s my fault Willow was raped, and Spike killed all of those people, and my little sister does things that I wish she didn’t even know about.
It had never occurred to her that she had not only failed her duty, but her friends as well.
So why didn’t I come back?
~*~*~*~*
Angel and Buffy had disappeared off to somewhere earlier that night, and Wesley dimly wondered where it was.
Not that he cared where they had gone.
Nobody talked to him so he could know these things, but he didn’t feel particularly inclined to talk to them either.
He could feel Gunn’s hatred, yet the man respected Angel too much to act on his instinct. He could see Cordelia’s disappointment, yet the hurt pride that didn’t allow her to admit it to him. None of them mattered anymore.
They were shadows from his past; phantom reminders of a life lived in denial of his true nature.
Though the others were all wary of him, none of them actually concerned him but Faith. Despite her earlier years in that capacity, she was actually quite perceptive, and a threat to him for sure.
His mind was clouded over with these thoughts when he entered the apartment complex from the back, and came face to face with the object of his contemplation, walking in the other direction.
She stopped before nearly walking into him, and he forced his expression to read perfectly blank. “Faith”.
“Wesley”.
He glanced her over. She seemed remarkably fine, if her walking around was anything to go by. He had always been quite amazed by the slayer’s ability to heal as fast as any vampire, and it never really stopped fascinating him.
“You seem better”, he observed.
Faith nodded. “Five by five”, she said crisply. Her dark eyes were narrowed in suspicion. “Where you been?”
He tilted an eyebrow at her. “I thought I might take advantage of the fact that I was actually free to do as I please for a change, and go for a walk”.
“In the middle of the night?” she countered. Oh, she was quick.
Wesley just shrugged in response. “The vampires don’t bother me out here”.
Faith frowned. “No. Guess they wouldn’t.”
She started off again, clearly anxious to get out of his company, he noted with vague amusement. How she had changed. She paused mid-step, and turned slowly to regard him again.
“You know that you hurt a lot of people, Wesley”, she said seriously.
He remained impassively silent.
“Angel was willing to give you a shot here, but we both know he isn’t stupid.”
No, Wesley thought. Just distracted by certain other things.
“If you do anything to undermine that, there’s no way anybody will stand for it. Not again. I hope you remember that, Wesley”.
Despite the threat he knew she could make good on, he was sightly satisfied with her unease. It meant she feared him. And that meant he was closer to what he wanted.
“I should wonder if you are threatening me, Faith”, Wesley said softly.
This annoyed her. “I don’t know what’s up with you, man”, she said, shaking her head. “But I’m gonna figure it out. And when I do, threats’ll be the last thing you have to worry about, Wes”.
She didn’t wait to gauge his reaction at this comment, instead swivelled purposefully for the door and let it close behind her with a resonant slam. Wesley sighed, and started up the stairs for his room.
Only once the door was firmly closed behind him did he remove the rumpled brown paper package from beneath the jacket Angel had given him, and took his time unwrapping the delicate contents.
The vial hadn’t been particularly difficult to locate, and he lowered himself onto a crouch on the floorboards, which creaked slightly under his weight. No one would be interrupting him, and that was just as well.
Wesley unscrewed the top, resistant to smelling the putrid inside and instead holding it to the floor. Shifting in careful movements, he began to pour the think, unsavoury liquid across the floorboards. Only when he was finished he allowed himself to gaze the shape over with a sense of satisfaction, and placed the now empty bottle negligently aside now that it had served its purpose.
He settled himself in a cross-legged position in the very centre of the pentagram and closed his eyes.
If Faith were to realise what he had on him, she would have thrown him out on the street without hesitation. Fortunate for him, she was not a witch, and as long as one did not come onto the property, he had little hope of being discovered.
The fresh human blood was rich and nauseating at the same time, yet tinged with a different smell, one that made it impervious to vampire detection. The innocent young woman whose body had been left by the docks would no doubt gain little comfort knowing that.
Because her blood was the first in many that would go a long way for him to achieve his goal. Nothing would stand in his way, certainly not the taking of life.
He had had enough time in his cell to plan it, his victory, his ultimate success.
His life was about to change.
Not as Angel Investigation’s loyal companion, whose valiant but naive efforts to serve the helpless of Los Angeles had eventually come to its conclusion as a worthless failure. And certainly not as The Watcher, the pathetic disappointment of a man his father had loathed to call son.
Someone new.
Someone even that old man could fear.
~*~*~*~*
Angel lay awake in the darkness of his room, deeply troubled by their brief but telling visit to Willow and Xander’s.
Dawn’s words floated back to him.
‘There’s a lot you will never know about her.’
He sighed deeply, realising that she was all too right. He didn’t know Buffy, not anymore, not how it counted. He hadn’t even known her before she came back, before the invasion began. Their separation had done the one thing he had truly feared; it had made them strangers to one another.
Angel knew he was naïve in thinking that despite leaving for her own good, they would always carry that link that had constantly been strong between them. In reality it had been severed long ago.
Buffy had secrets. He had his share of secrets from her, and he honestly didn’t know which one of them would be more shocked with the separate truths.
He had never expected Buffy to not move on without him, Riley had been a testament to that, and though he had resented the soldier boy, he knew the guy was exactly what she needed. But she obviously hadn’t. For whatever reason, Buffy needed more, and because of that Riley had developed an inferiority complex and walked out.
Whether he was ready to believe it or not, there had been something between Buffy and Spike too, and it hadn’t just been one way.
Angel’s thoughts were distracted when he heard the distant click to the door of his room, and momentarily thought that maybe it was an intruder. Then he realised how ridiculous that was – considering the barrier that protected the entire building – and cautiously raised his head to peer among the shadows.
The darkness shifted over near the window to his bedroom and his brows drew together in a frown.
Something fluttered within his insides.
And then he knew.
“Buffy?” he guessed softly.
She stepped into a sliver of moonlight that filtered from the window. Her hair loose and flowing freely around her face, and her eyes were sad and haunted.
His face softened. “Buffy? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“You said… I can talk to you. Do you remember?”
He nodded slowly. His gaze was riveted to hers, trying to figure out why she was here. For comfort? She had stopped seeking that from him a long time ago.
She licked her lips, and then closed her eyes. “I didn’t come back because I didn’t want to”, she said in a small voice.
Angel frowned in surprise at the unexpected confession, and forgot the whirlwind of confusing thoughts rushing through his mind. “What?”
“I was sick of everything”, she whispered. “My life was actually starting to turn around again after… everything, and then that vampire just… came out of nowhere, and he ruined everything. So I stayed away. I hid myself in the world, and because of everything it was just so incredibly easy.”
She looked down. “When I found out you were alive… I didn’t want to come here. I didn’t want you to see… what I am.”
“Buffy”, Angel said gently, sitting up on the bed. He was relieved it had been a reasonably chilly night, even for California, and he was fully clothed rather than how he would usually sleep.
“I see the person you always were. I see Buffy Summers. What else should I see?”
A tear slipped down her cheek, and she blinked furiously to make it go away. “What everyone else does”, she murmured mournfully. “My own sister hates me, doesn’t she? You saw her, tell me the truth.”
When Angel couldn’t reply, she nodded knowingly. “See? I left her. I left them all, and look what happened to them”.
“You don’t control their lives, Buffy”, Angel said sharply.
“No, but they rely on me. They trust me to protect them, and they should, especially now. I abandoned everything”.
Before he knew what he was doing, he outstretched his hand and his palm came to rest on the side of her waist, and he pulled her so she was standing right at the edge of the bed beside him.
“Listen to me”, he said seriously. “You have had to deal with a lot of pain in your life. There is no reason why you should have to shoulder all of this, slayer or not. Understand? Your friends know that, inside. Dawn loves you. She will always love you. And she’ll come to realise that.”
Buffy sniffed. “What if she doesn’t?” she whimpered.
A part of him was protesting even as he silenced her with a finger to her lips, and gently swept aside the coverlet and offered her his bed. Her exhaustion spoke to him like nothing else could, and he knew that he loved this girl more than the sun, and her pain was his.
Their painful history evaporated as the blonde slayer settled weakly beside him, and he covered her with the over-blanket as she turned on her side so that her back melded into his body.
It felt perfectly natural as he wound his arms protectively around her slim waist.
She shivered at his body so close, and he closed his eyes, unconsciously inhaling her sweet, familiar vanilla scent. Her entire presence filled him with warmth, and his fingers tenderly brushed aside a slip of hair that strayed in front of her face.
Why? he thought Why does this woman have to suffer so much pain, when she’s suffered too much already?
He cursed her friends for making her this way; despite the fact that he knew they truly did love her. But they were selfish, as was human nature, and he was selfish too for wanting to make Buffy forget her pain, so that his own could be silenced.
“I don’t want to loose them, Angel”, she said softly. “If I did… I don’t want them to leave me. I just wish… they would stop. Leaving me”.
Angel inwardly winced at this inadvertent reference to their break-up.
Buffy seemed to realise this at the same time and she swivelled around to look at him. “I didn’t mean…”
He smiled absently, and cupped her cheek gently between his thumb and forefinger. “I know.”
He sighed. “Buffy, things are going to be hard. But you’ll pull through. You always do. It’s something I’ve always admired about you. Things after…” he paused, not wanting to remind her of this particular loss. But it needed to be said, if only to provide her with piece of mind.
“After you mother, you thought things would never be right. But they got better, day after day, didn’t they?”
Buffy looked down. “Angel. I know you’re trying to help, but… but they really didn’t”.
He frowned at this. “What? What do you mean?”
She shifted. “I guess they did… eventually. But I went through a long hard time after it happened, and I died. Things… happened that I never ever want to repeat.”
He was eyeing her if a bit too closely now and she sensed it coming before he uttered the words.
“You mean you and Spike?”
Buffy’s eyes flickered up in surprise. “What…?”
He shook his head unhappily. “That’s pretty much enough to tell me that I’m right. I’m not stupid, Buffy. I could tell something was off there, and it wasn’t just that he was in love with you. But I can’t be sure exactly what happened, and I think we can both safely agree that I don’t want to hear about it”.
“No…” Buffy moved away. “Angel, maybe I should just go…”
By accident, this action told him even more than he ever wanted to know about her liaisons with the evil vampire, and he took a moment to react before his hand shot out and pulled her back.
“No, stay. Please. I’ll feel better if I know you’re all right, here with me. Okay?” he forced his voice to come out gentle and reassuring.
She looked at him searchingly. “I don’t have to –“
“ – Stay”, he repeated, a little more firmly.
“Okay”, she croaked.
He sighed as she turned around again to face the other way, and after awhile she closed her eyes.
Buffy and Spike.
It didn’t actually come as much of a surprise, much to his chagrin. There had always been a sort of… chemistry between them, even when he was evil and trying to kill her and all of her friends.
Ironically Buffy’s most natural match was the vampires she tried to kill, which explained the heat between them when they fought. There was passion there that wasn’t easily ignored, and though he tried to quench the thought, as he listened to the sounds of her silent breaths of sleep, he wondered whether that was all it had been between them.
Riley had left because he couldn’t amount to her power.
Buffy was too independent and emotionally as well as physically strong for him and he couldn’t handle it.
Would things become that way for us?
No.
He knew it, and he knew he was being stupid. He had never been afraid of her, and he had known since the beginning she was the stronger one. He accepted it. He loved Buffy for who she was, not for what she was.
Things between them were in no way near a comparison to her brief fling with the Soldier Boy, or whatever these had been between her and Spike.
Buffy shifted further against him in a half-sleep like state, and he smiled, realising that she was perfectly relaxed while he was having such serous thoughts.
Then she tensed, and he cursed himself for forgetting, something she would immediately interpret as mistrust.
“Buffy –“
He knew the exact moment she had felt it. The strong, steady beating of his two hundred and fifty year old heart, as if revitalized and fresh.
Which, it was.
She drew away from him in disbelief.
Angel was alive?!
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