Disclaimer: I don't own anything, everything belongs to Joss and the song belongs to Faith Hill. SO don't sue, because I'm a lonely High School student with no money and no belongings.
Spoilers: Everything except Angel did not fire Gunn, Wesley, and Cordelia
Summary: Buffy POV on Angel's hold on her heart. Little bit of angst.
Rating: PG
Feedback: If it makes you happy, which I doubt it will.
Comment: This is the first fanfic I've ever written, so if you think it sucks, be nice. But helpful criticism is always a plus. Oh and the song is called "Let Me Let Go," and it's by Faith Hill.

No matter what I do, or what happens in my life I just can't seem to escape him. Like a shadow, the memory of him follows me everywhere I go. And just when I felt like I had a steady relationship that I felt safe in, secure, like someone actually wanted me around. He left me too. All because of that souled-vampire, he's contaminated me for anyone else, so that no one is ever going to be secure for me or good enough for me to be with. After everything that's happened he still haunts my mind, my body and soul. I wish I could just one morning wake up and stop loving him, but I can't. I won't.

I saw him the other day, he didn't see me for fear that I might break down in his arms crying, like I used to when I ran into trouble. Or if there was something that I couldn't manage; he's still the first person I think of running to when trouble comes around the bend. And so I hid, I couldn't let him see me, broken and weak. I'm the slayer; I can't let anyone see what's on the other side of the brick wall I have formed in order to keep others, from seeing the real me. They wouldn't understand, I don't even understand.

The night I saw him he was at a local coffee shop with Cordelia and Wesley, laughing and grinning like a child. Without a care in the world, nothing baring down on his heart and soul. A part of my heart smiles that he's finally free from the guilt that has plagued his mind. When we were together, it seemed like the only thing haunting us, was him. His guilt was insatiable, it would not go away and it seemed like it was everywhere we turned. Everything that he had done wrong, I was never fazed by any of it. I couldn't care less. I knew that it wasn't him that had done all these murderous acts of violence but I couldn't seem to figure out how he couldn't contemplate that it WASN'T his fault. None of it, was his fault. Still a part of me despises him for this newfound happiness; he seems to be ecstatic to be with his confidants, drinking coffee. He doesn't have to burden himself about anything anymore, and neither do I. And yet, I can't move on, he just wont let me go. He still has the power to control me even from miles away, where I don't even see him.

And it's pathetic that I can't stop thinking of him, every night I can't get him out of my mind. Pictures of him and I together flash through my mind like a slideshow from beginning to end. They never stop, I can't even sleep anymore, and I think they may be driving me mad, over the edge until I finally end it all. Now, even if I was able to stop the memories from coming,

I don't believe I would anyhow, not in the long run. They seem to be the only times I'm ever acceptable anymore.

//I thought it was over baby.
We said our good-byes.
But I can't go a day without
Your face going through my mind.
In fact not a single minute passes without you in it.
Your voice, your touch,
Memories of your love are with me all of the time//

It's funny, that in our obscure situation, if you can call it that, I'm the one who is free here. I can go out and have sex with all of the guys that I want. Be completely free from worry condemning my young, virgin mind. And he can't be with any others; they wouldn't understand his 'disability.' But he still isn't the one that cries late at night, screaming his name over and over in the darkness, the hours of black. Trying to find some kind of closure, trying to get going and make it. My life is at some sort of halt, where my soul is dead, and the only thing living is my body. My body going through the daily routines pretending to everyone, but it's not really me, nor am I aware of everything around me, but I have to keep going. In order to keep living...because that's all we're doing here, right? I mean, we're surviving for the pure reason that we have no reason to be here. There is no rationale written in stone, of why I'm here or why I had to meet him. Why I had to fall in love with him.

If he doesn't want me, then I can't keep hoping the day will come that he'll get it through his thick skull that WE belong together. And if he can't, if there isn't the likelihood that it'll ever happen, then I'm asking you to let me let go. Let me forget about him, and move on with my life. For the only thing I ever seem to think about is his touch, everything about him. And I can't do that, not anymore. Just, God let me let go, please.

//Let me let go baby. Let me let go.
If this is for the best, why are you still in my heart,
are you still in my soul? Let me let go.
I talked to you the other day. Looks like you made your escape.
You put us behind. No matter how I try, I can't do the same.

Let me let go baby. Let me let go.
It just isn't right, I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road.
Let me let go darling, won't you. I've just got to know, yeah
If this is for the best, why are you still in my heart,
are you still in my soul? Let me let go.//

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