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Archive: my site (knightfic). If you want it, just ask.
Disclaimer: Joss et all owns em, I'm just borrowing em. They get the big bucks, I get a little fun.
Rating: PG 13
Feedback: Always welcome.
Author's Notes: This is a companion piece for Scourge of Duty, to be read after part 10 to make any sense.:-) My muse finally got tired of writing everything from Buffy's point of view and wanted to get into Angel's head ;)
My Immortal by Evanescence from the album Fallen I highly recommend this hauntingly beautiful song!
Thanks to Froggy for sending me this song and to Asp and Knightshade for their wonderful reactions to this ficlet.

The music drifting through the hotel from downstairs was haunting enough, but this song, it was pure torture. So was the realisation that Buffy was singing along to it.

Angel found himself standing at the top of the stairway, leaning on the railing, watching as Buffy lay stomach down on the reception desk below, reading through a book, singing as she casually flipped the pages in her search.

my immortal
I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

Angel felt the sting of the lyrics, they represented so much of their life, so much of what he had felt after he left her.

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

"That girl is carrying a great deal on her tiny shoulders." Lorne leaned on the railing beside Angel, watching the blond Slayer.

"I know." Angel found his voice wavering.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

"You've taken a lot off her shoulders today."

"Have I?"

"You two are destined to be together, that shines bright and true; off both of you. I don't need either of you to sing to see that."

"I hurt her, time and time again."

"It's not your fault."

"Isn't it?" Angel finally turned from the figure downstairs.

you used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

"I wanted her so badly, to the point where it was all I could think about. Being with her should have been enough and it wasn't."

"That's not a weakness, Angel. You're a man, and she's gorgeous woman. The Powers united you, let you fall in love. Once you had a true taste of that - well, I don't know how you had the strength to keep your hands off her."

"I didn't. I don't.. God," Angel rubbed his face with both his hands. "I was so jealous, so angry, I took her. Slammed her back against a tree and took her. It took everything in me to stop what was happening. I was so scared it was already too late. I felt it, just like I did out first night. The perfection, her love, her acceptance as she relaxed against me, as she responded to me."

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

Lorne shook his head. "You might have acted irrationally, but, man, that's love. After all this time you two remain doe-eyed about one another, doesn't that tell you something? Not to mention the one thing you are kicking your own ass about is the one thing that brought about your nailed in soul."

Angel turned started eyes towards his friend. "How did you know?"

Lorne smirked good-humouredly. "Angel, I've know you for a few years now. You've always had a strong aura, but there's been a..." Lorne used his hands shifting in the air to illustrate while he searched for the words. "A grey area surrounding you. Since you came back from Sunnydale, that's been gone. Not to mention the two little marks on Sunshine's neck. Doesn't take a psychic to figure it out."

"Only someone who cares enough to pay attention." Angel smiled fondly at his friend before turning back to Buffy's still singing form.

when you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
and I've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

"What are you waiting for?" Lorne asked gently.

"For the right time."

"That's the biggest cop-out I've ever heard. She loves you, Angel. Deep seeded, soul-crunching love. If I were to hazard a guess, she always has. Whatever it is you're feeling, she's echoing it."

Buffy glanced up, meeting Angel's gaze. Blushing deeply she sang the last chorus with passionate strength.

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

"Grab onto this, while you still can." Lorne advised over the last chords of the song.

Angel stood, his gaze locked with Buffy's, mulling over everything Lorne had just told him, sorting through his own ragged emotions before nodding slowly.

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