Disclaimer: Joss owns them, but I have a feeling Marti really pulls the strings around there
Rating: PG 13 for language
Author's Notes: another one of my gut reaction pieces right after "Triangle" an episode that I had problems with. Here's my attempt to rationalize Buffy's Marti "My life was Riley" Noxon written outbursts
SPOILERS: "Triangle", "Into the Woods", and various others from the B/A canon
Cate: POV, B/A, B/R
Dedication: to Sarah Michelle Gellar.I'm sorry you have to utter such nauseating lines about Riley leaving that you looked like you wanted to choke on. I feel your pain, and I forgive you. I know Marti has the entire writing crew under her belt

I can't be alone.

(We are alone)

Maybe it's a disease. You know, like, can't be alone-itis. That could be treated. With lots of chocolate. And Molly Ringwald movies and peanut butter.oh God.No, I can't be alone.

I don't know when it started. When my Dad left? When I found out I was Miss Slayer, the Chosen One. Who am I kidding? I know who scarred me this way.

Angel.

Doesn't it all come back to him? (Together you are powerful) Doesn't it all end up back at him.when you scrape away the one night stand with Parker, and the nights of sex and cuddlies with Riley, and the betrayal of my Dad, and my Mom almost dying.what does it come back to? You know, rationally I want to say the night that we killed the Mayor, and he left me, walking away into the mist. But really.my heart knows better.

It was the night I killed him.

(Close your eyes)

It was the night that I stuck that sword through his belly with the taste of his tears still on my lips. We'd been saying Goodbye since then. I've said that word so much it hardly means anything anymore. Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye.just a word that keeps boiling round and round in my belly. Like crunched up shards of glass. Biting me, stabbing me, pricking me with tiny incisions. (I'm not gonna say Goodbye.you understand)

Riley, well, I miss him. I miss the comfort he brought me, the safety and the security. (What is he? State Farm?) I sound like I'm talking about a security blanket. It's not that he was boring.well, yes, he was boring, but I needed boring. I was happy with boring. And now he's gone, and I'm alone.

(The Slayer does not walk in this world)

(I can walk like a Man, but I'm not one)

You know, I talked to Dawn and blathered on, trying to reassure her, telling her that maybe Riley would be back, then I could tell him all I needed to.I don't know what the fuck that meant. What would I tell him? Oh yes, I don't really love you yet.but you know, if you hang in there.maybe someday. (Someone who can take you into the light.) Cross your fingers! God, that would have been funny. No, not funny. Sad. It would have broken his heart. That little weak heart that he's got.

I can't help calling it weak. But after knowing the love of one of the strongest hearts ever to exist.I couldn't accept Riley's brand of love. I don't even really know why I couldn't. I know Angel's not coming back. I knew that when he left me. I never talked about him coming back, or hoped, or dreamed. His eyes were sure, his voice never wavered. He was leaving me. No ultimatums. Nothing I had done wrong. (You know how much I love you) He loved me too much to hurt me. So he left, his duster flying behind him like some hero in the movies. (I want my life to be with you)

I didn't question it. I didn't run after him, or shout his name. I didn't and I wish I had. (I don't)

Would he still be here? Would he have been able to resist me? I like to think he wouldn't have been able to. But that's just wishful thinking. I know Angel, and I know how strong he is. (You don't know me anymore.)

If Riley comes back, I don't know what I'll do. Probably forgive him. Probably take him back, and slip into the emptiness again. Without him I'm starting to scream, and I can't do that. God, no. I need to be silent. I crave the peace.

I can't let go. (I'll never forget.) Without Riley, things are coming apart, like threads unraveling. I might start thinking about Angel again. I might start dreaming about him. I might start remembering.

I might start loving him again.

No, no, no. I need to be with someone. I can't be alone. Because if I am, I'm reminded of why I'm really lonely. Why I weep these sobbing tears in the darkest hours of the night. Because he left me. All those years ago.

(Alone you are dead)

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