Disclaimer: Joss owns them. Although I believe I should be in possession of them. At least I respect their history
Rating: PG 13
Author's Notes: I'm going to be away for the weekend to a friend's house.I'll still be checking my e-mail, but I don't know when I'll be able to write another part. Maybe Saturday.anyway, keep the feedback coming! It keeps me beyond motivated
Timeline: Five and a half years after "Into the Woods"
Distribution: ask, send the URL for your site and it's yours
Feedback: *sends reader a withering look* are you serious? Why do you think I do this? Well, besides Buffy/Angel, it's the feedback! It keeps me going!! PLEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSE!
Dedication: This one goes out to Sol, for sending sweet feedback!
Author's Notes 2: the meal that he makes for her, is actually one I had while in Bermuda on Holiday. It was so good I still crave it.oh God.to be eating that again.
Poem: "New Moon" by Jewel. No infringement intended

A pounding headache woke Buffy that evening, and as she opened her eyes, she saw the moonlight casting its glow about the room. The gentle lapping of the Moisorine against the sides of the building and the soft noise of the creaking gondolas were the only sounds in the still night.

Groaning softly, she padded from the bed and pulled off her clothes, the denim feeling too tight against her skin. Slipping on a beige cotton sundress, she headed into the kitchen, wondering if Angel was still around. She didn't remember much, but she was pretty sure he had put her to bed. Otherwise.it was a blank.

"Angel?" she called softly.

"Out here, Buffy," he responded from the balcony, and she walked over, the transparent drapes blowing in the warm breeze. He sat, sipping a glass of chilled water, and simply watching the canal with fixed eyes. "Hey, sleepyhead," he murmured, and she smiled slightly, sitting down beside him.

"How long have I been out?"

"'Bout seven hours," he glanced at his watch. "Give or take."

"Oh God!" Buffy exclaimed ruefully, pressing a hand to her throbbing forehead. "That wine sure did a number on me. What did you do all day?"

"I went and bought us some dinner.all you have here is that rabbit food you picked up at the market," he slanted her a grin and she swatted him.

"That is good food!" she protested and then sank down in her chair, giggling. "Ok, I'll admit, living with hardly an money taught me to only eat healthy and small."

He clasped his fingers around her delicate wrist and squeezed lightly. "You're tiny," he remarked and she flushed, pulling away.

"I've always been small.and hey, I can kick your ass any day," she reminded him and he laughed, taking another sip of water.

"You're right."

"So what did you get for dinner?" she asked eagerly, and he stood up, going into the kitchen and collecting the meals from the oven where he kept them warm.

Spreading a tablecloth out, he set down her bowl, and plate and then his own. As she smelled the food, her stomach rumbled, reminding her that she had barely eaten today. Angel had prepared a thick shell pasta, with a mozzarella and chicken sauce, heavily sprinkled with Parmesan. On the side was a garden salad, grated over with carrots, sprinkled with tomatoes and doused liberally in an olive oil based dressing.

"When did you become Chef of the month?" she inquired with a raised eyebrow, taking a bite of the pasta. It melted in her mouth, the pillowy softness of the noodle and the rich sauce exploding against her taste buds. "Oh my God." she breathed and he smiled. "This is amazing."

"I took a few courses, after the humanity thing kicked in," he told her. "I didn't get to have any food for two hundred and some years. It was a huge priority at first."

"I can imagine," she said, taking another bite of the heavenly concoction. "God.food is a good. I'd forgotten, what with all the years of starving."

They ate in comfortable silence for a few moments, and when Buffy was done, she sat back and patted her stomach. "Any gum handy?" she asked, and he looked startled.

"Why?"

"Sauce was garlicky. I don't want to scare you away with my evil breath."

Smiling, he took a pack from his wallet and took a stick himself. Buffy stood up and leaned against the rail, watching the waters of the canal lap quietly against the aged buildings. Angel joined her, their bodies close together, breathing almost as one. "Why did you leave, Buffy?"

She jerked at the blunt question, and turned away. "I don't want to talk about it."

He grabbed her arm and spun her back around. "Tell me."

Tears spurted from her eyes as she stared up at him, realizing he was not going to give up. "I wanted to be the one to leave."

"What?"

She felt her ribs begin to crack from the weight of her heart, so heavy with things not said. "I just.I wanted to be the one moving forward. It seems like my whole life everyone else has been moving ahead.but I'm stuck. You left Angel, and got this great new life. Then Cordy did, and joined you.and she's like your best friend now." her voice broke as she continued, "And Oz left to figure things out and Willow became a lesbian like, overnight.then Xander got all manly and annoying, and tried to tell me what to do and feel. Riley felt like my safety net.you know.the one person who wasn't going to change. Who was going to make sure I wasn't alone for the rest of my life. You know, Slayers are supposed to be alone." she laughed without humour and sat down, staring blankly at the water. "But then he bailed. Because I didn't 'need' him. Because he didn't feel like I could give myself to him.he left, and I was alone, and my mother had almost died, and my sister wasn't my sister.and I left. I ran away. So, there, happy?" she asked, looking up at him bleakly.

"No, I'm not happy, Buffy. Because you're not happy," he said hoarsely and then knelt down in front of her. "I didn't have a great new life in LA. I existed. I barely existed. Yes, Cordy became my best friend.but she never replaced you. Buffy, you were my lover, my greatest friend, my biggest supporter.my only love through all my two hundred forty three years. When I left.I didn't realize how great an impact it would have. I thought I was doing a good thing. Giving you a chance for a normal life."

"I'll never have a normal life!" she cried. "Don't you get that? Can you please get that through your fucking thick head? Normal doesn't work for me, Angel! In fact, it seems to make people crazy. Witness my normal boyfriend, suddenly developing a vampire fetish! And then splitting, just like that." She buried her face in her hands and wept, great shuddering sobs that wracked her small body. "I.only.ever.wanted.you!" she forced out between sobs, and he took her in his arms, rocking her, soothing her with murmurs in his native language, murmurs that meant nothing to her, but calmed her down.

"I'm so sorry." he groaned against her hair. Shakily he stroked her back, and she pressed closer to him, inhaling his scent.

"It's not your fault," she muttered. "It never would have worked. I get that. But I don't forgive that you left. I just can't."

Standing up, Angel reached out a hand to her. "Dance with me?"

"What?" she exclaimed, wiping the tears from her cheeks. "Now?"

"Now," he said softly, and took her hands, helping her up. "No music.just us and the moon."

She wanted to be angry. She wanted to smack him. But more than anything else in the world, she wanted to be in his embrace. And so she took a step forward, curving her body against his, and felt his arms go around her. Together, they swayed to a sweet tune in their heads.

Pressing her face against his chest, she let out a long shuddering sigh and relaxed in his arms. Sweet. So sweet.

~~~

In the bath later, Buffy sipped steaming camomile tea and wondered if she had gone completely nuts. Dancing with Angel.again? At least they hadn't kissed. He had left after helping her clean up, and not made any mention of seeing her again. She wondered if he was going back to Sunnydale. Maybe he would.

Picking up her finished diary, she opened it to a random page and began to read. She had taken to reading her diaries once she was finished them, just to get a better grasp on what her feelings had been at certain times.

Hello Paris!

Well diary, I finally left London, not a huge shocker, considering I was getting restless. London was great, but I didn't fit in there.

I've been reading a lot of Shakespeare lately. Willow would laugh if she knew. I'm turning into quite the scholar. Must be all the extra time on my hands. Finished "Romeo and Juliet" today.

~~ underneath the grove of sycamore so early walking
did I see your son
many a morning hath he there been seen
with tears augmenting the fresh morning's dew~~

Gotta love Will! I gotta say, my favourite quote is: "is love a tender thing? It is too rough, too rude, too boisterous, and it pricks like thorn"

God, I feel like I'm back at school. No, seriously, I'm enjoying the reading habit. Paris is interesting, and very artsy. I read somewhere that it's the center of the art world, and I believe it. I went to the Louvre today. I felt like I should. Isn't it like.expected when you go to Paris? Anyway, the Mona Lisa was nothing to write home about. Very tiny and it was so crowded by tourists.anyway, disappointment there. I've been walking around a lot, and already found a job at a small café that has a large tourist business, so they like that I speak English.

Sunnydale seems so far away I can barely believe it exists. I've left it all behind, for this life that I'm not even certain about. I can't stay in Paris for the rest of my life. Oh God.I am lost.

I had another dream last night. I know, I have them all the time, maybe I have a problem. Angel and me were walking down this crowded street, and it was dark. But people were partying all around us, drinking and laughing, but it was not of the fun. They all had masks on and they were bumping into us, until finally we were surrounded, and I got carted off. It was horrible, like a nightmare. I wish I would stop dreaming about him. It just makes this harder. Harder to pretend that I don't think about him all the time. You know, I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds. This one is turning into a huge bruise that I can't escape from. Sometimes I wish he would find me, and then I wonder if he's even looking. Maybe he thinks I'm dead. Maybe they all do. I don't know.

Time is going by, and I feel so lonely. I haven't had a date in years and the scary thing is, I don't even want one. I don't think of Riley at all anymore. I wouldn't know what to say to him if I saw him.

I found another poem by Jewel, and when I read it, I immediately thought of Angel.

New Moon

I am in love with a man who is gone now
Hunting for vision
His bones know the scent of it
His hands full of intuition
And praise
What he lacks, he seeks
And I watch him from my hill
As he treads the countryside
And splits the great and fertile valleys
Like the hips of a woman
He has loved for centuries
In so many forms
As an eagle
A warrior
A stone
I love him
Over there
Far from Me
By Jewel

I thought I saw him yesterday, as I was walking down the street. Just for a split second, and I whirled around. I don't know what I would have done if it was him. Kissed him? Ran? Told him I would die if he ever left me again.? But I turned, and there was no one there.

Love, Buffy

Taking a sip of tea, and then dunking her head under water, she wiped her cheeks. What was she crying for? The woman she had been then? Or the woman she was now? All she knew was that both were lonely, and both dreamed of the same man each night.

Go to the next story Girl, Believes

Send feedback to Trixie Firecracker

Back to the Fanfiction Archive