Disclaimer: Joss is the owner of B/A and I am not. *sob*
Author's Notes: Yes, yet another POV fic. God knows what my problem is. It will end soon, I promise.
Summary: Buffy's POV after "The Yoko Factor". An episode, which I hated except for a few scenes with Angel: "Don't push me boy" and "You actually sleep with this guy?" Hee! Exactly what I was thinking Angel, my honey! I hated their conversation out in the hall though. I don't know if I'm alone in that, or not?
Dedication: to Sara-Lee, you are fabulous darling *hugs* thanks for your unfailing feedback

So Riley thinks he loves me. He said tonight that he can't think straight he loves me so much. I wonder if he really knows what he's talking about, or if maybe he's fooling himself. I don't see it. I don't see love in his eyes. I see a blind, useless infatuation.

I'm sitting on my bed right now. I am going to look for Adam in a little bit. I will go, but first I need to catch my breath. Angel's gone and I'm glad. He confuses me when he's here and my cheek still stings from his fist. I never thought he would hit me, but I guess there is a first time for everything. Ha. Isn't that funny. Angel hits me, and Riley loves me, and guess who I love?

It's not that I blame him for slapping me. I did hit him first, and I am stronger. I suppose it's the intention behind it. He did it to protect Faith. She's a whore. A miserable, stupid bitch who I want to hate, but end up missing most of the time. She was almost like my sister way back when. But then a lot has changed, so I'm not surprised that changed to.

Riley thought I slept with Angel. And at first, for a wild and crazy moment, I imagined that I had. I thought about running my hands over Angel's skin, and being a part of him again. I thought of drugging kisses and murmured breaths, and whispers and everything that is sweet and hot and.then I imagined him as Angelus. I wondered who he would have killed first. Probably Riley. Since he sleeps with me now. Angelus would not want to stay away. Angelus would want me, and he would rage against anyone who tried to take me.

For a quick, fleeting moment, I allowed myself to wonder, and then I felt ashamed. How could I actually think about my ex-lover killing my boyfriend and feel nothing? I must be crazy. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe I feel that Riley will never be able to understand the darkness in me. He asked me to break his heart fast, and for a moment I wanted to. But then I took a breath and remembered that I have to do the normal life thing. So I tried to comfort him, and play the girlfriend. Cause that's all he wants of me.

We had a talk. Angel and I. Out in the still, silent hall. Both of us trying to relax, to pretend we are simple exes, seeing each other for an uncomfortable first time. I suppose it was more than that though. It was to me, anyway. It was the quietest conversation we have ever had, and we said so much more with our eyes. He didn't carry on like Riley. He didn't try and kiss me, or tell me he loved me. He didn't do anything really, except promise to call next time he wanted to apologize. He told me he doesn't like Riley. I already knew that, and it made me feel strangely sick for a moment. Hearing Angel say Riley's name. It just felt so final all of a sudden. That Angel was lost to me forever. Here he was joking about my new boyfriend and I had to smile and watch him walk away.

He left me again. I had to go back in the room and reassure Riley and really just want to run away and scream. Of course I did my duty and I tried to forget about Angel.

I hate when he leaves, and I have to watch him walk away. The air becomes less charged, flat almost, the walls expand, and I'm empty. God, I hate being weak, and he makes me weak.

Riley makes me.nothing. I don't feel with him. I like it. It's safe.

Angel won't be back again. I could tell as he walked away, that it was final. But I won't let that happen. Someday, we will talk, and laugh and I will kiss him, because that is the only right thing to do. Someday I'll fall asleep in his arms.

It sounds cruel, but for now I have Riley. I'm content. As long as he doesn't tell me he loves me anymore.

I don't see love in his eyes.

I see my reflection. Scared and closed off. Loving someone else.

Feed me please!! I need some love!

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