Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns them. It's not like I care though
Rating: R language and implied sexuality
Author's Notes: I'm getting addicted to POV fics. I love getting inside Buffy's head. I'm still not very good at it.but oh well, a girl's gotta try right?
AN2: I'm still working on the sequel to Goddess of the Sun.but I don't expect that I'll be done until after Christmas
Summary: Buffy's POV after "Lover's Walk"
Cate: B/A, POV

As I sit here, on a bench, and the people go by, I'm not seeing them. They are happy, content with their busy, buzzing lives, unaware that there are vampires outside of books, unaware that their town truly lives up to it's name of "Boca del Inferno". God, I wish I could be like them. But it's obvious by now that I can't. I've tried the normal life thing so many times and it has never caught on.

Oh well. I really don't have time to feel sorry for myself. Spike actually came back to Sunnydale, and I have a feeling he'll be back again. What a fucking creep, going to my house.although I wonder what I should expect, since he is an evil blood-sucking vampire. I should have staked him. Why didn't I ever stake that whiny little weaselly thing? God, I surprise myself sometimes.

He had some insights into my life.which I didn't want to hear. I suppose I'm in denial 'bout the whole thing. Everything to do with Angel.God, thinking his name even hurts. I wonder what he's doing right now. I wish I could be in the mansion. Just be with him.

Sometimes when I'm near him, my skin just aches. And I mean.literally aches, from the need to be pressed against his. It is the bitterest torture I have ever gone through. It's not even sweet. It just hurts. So much that I want to crawl out of my own body and find another to slip into to. One that doesn't love him or want his flesh and his kiss and oh god.his touch. What I wouldn't give to be someone else.

The truth is that a year ago.I was so caught up with Angel, and I loved it. He was my first love, my first everything, and I was flushed and I was happy and I thought I was a fucking Princess.and he died. And I think that was when the castle walls crumbled and I lost my tiara and everything became so fucking difficult. Cause I liked being his saviour, his love, his forbidden girl.that he couldn't stay away from. Maybe it gave me a high to be loved that much. When we made love, everything soared and broke and it just went to pieces.

How can something so sweet produce something so evil? I'll never know, but the guilt eats away at my belly. For many things. For turning him into the monster he loathes, and for killing him. That was when I really lost that proverbial innocence. Not when I felt him inside me for the first time. No. It was when I kissed my lover and then rammed a sword into his chest.

Life was just.it didn't have a point after he died. I didn't want to live in a world that he didn't roam upon. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I should have just gotten over it, moved on and gotten.closure or something. That's what everyone kept telling me. Well.I couldn't then and I can't now.

He's in this world. He walks the earth and I can't be with him. How great is that? When Spike told us that we would always love each other and that we would never be friends.I swear I felt my skin burn and I had to exert all my will power not to turn to Angel and scream that I needed him and I had never stopped. I also had to stop myself from snapping Spike's neck. But that's another story.

We're not friends. Angel and I. I know that, and that's why I ended this little charade we've been living. I go over there and we make with the polite chat, but underneath it all, I know he's dying to grab me and fuck me senseless, and I know that my mouth is dry and my thighs are hot.and that we both need to lose ourselves in each other so badly that.nothing else seems to matter.

Sometimes I am grateful he came back. But other times I wish he were still dead. Maybe then there would be some point to all of this. Maybe then I would know that there is a reason we are not together right at this second. Cause there really isn't. That's what gets me the most. We could be together, if only.

If only. Those are the two most annoying words ever.because they speak of things that we could have done, or we could have had.if only.damnit. I refuse to think about this anymore. Where is this getting me? Except a one way ticket to Mope City with a stopover at Self Pity-ville.

So I sit here. On this bench, the world passing me by. I don't really care. My world is in that mansion, probably brooding. Probably trying not to weep. My eyes are dry. But my heart cries red tears. I wonder that my shirt isn't stained.

I wait.

For him.

If only it was enough that we love each other.

But I don't believe in "if onlies."

So I sit alone.

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