Disclaimer: I own them. It's true. That's why Angel and Buffy have broken up and there's a guy named Riley boffing the Slayer.hmmm.wait, see, it doesn't add up! No, I own nothing
Rating: PG. 13 (I think there's one 'bad' word)
Feedback: *sigh* do I really have to tell you?
Author's Notes: this isn't going to be smut, sorry. It's just a tiny little fic that I felt the urge to write
Timeline: right now in both seasons of Buffy and Angel
Song: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (the title comes from the song)
Dedication: to the B/A shippers.times are hard.keep the faith!
Summary: Buffy goes to the mansion and meets someone from her past

The grass crunched beneath Buffy's Summers' booted feet as she climbed the hill behind the mansion. Cold wind bit into her cheeks but she barely felt it. As she stuck her gloved hands into the pockets of her white coat, she took the final steps and found herself at the top of the hill, looking out over Sunnydale.

Sighing, she glanced around, at all the houses, which sported twinkling lights and bright windows. Why couldn't her life be that simple?

She had come here for reasons even she herself didn't understand. All she knew was that she had to get away from her house. Dawn and her mother were suffocating her to the point where she felt like she would choke any moment. At that moment she knew they were fine. Her mother was sleeping and Dawn was reading by her bedside, so Buffy didn't feel too guilty about leaving them.

As for the rest of the gang, she realized with a start that she hadn't really seen them in a while. But she knew they were fine, and that gave her a warm feeling. As long as they were having a Merry Christmas, she could at least be content for them.

Christmas Eve was a lonely time, she reflected. It was supposed to be happy, joyous, but in reality, it sucked. For her, anyway.

But she wouldn't think about that. She wouldn't allow herself to weep, to shed one tear. She couldn't afford to, and that was the simple truth. Everyone needed her to be strong. A solider, she thought, that's me.

"Buffy."

She froze at the voice. And then she prayed it was Riley and her ears were just playing tricks on her. Turning slowly, she already knew that her prayers were in vain. Riley didn't have a voice like that.husky, sweet, deep and familiar.a voice that spoke of the night, of kisses, of pure and abiding love.of.everything that meant anything to her. "Angel," she murmured softly and they stared at each other for a quick moment.

"What are you doing here?" he asked and she shrugged.

"Needed some alone time. You?"

He regarded her with eyes that saw inside her and she felt uncomfortable suddenly, wanting to wriggle out of her skin, inhabit a new body that didn't respond to him. "I came down.to check on you, actually."

"Why?" she inquired in a small voice.

"I don't know.thought it was time.we haven't seen each other in a while. And I just had a feeling.that maybe you were in trouble."

"Nope," she turned back around so she wouldn't have to look at him. "And I don't recall asking you to watch over me."

"You wouldn't ask," he told her gently. "But that doesn't mean you don't need it."

Damnit, she groused. There he went, knowing her better than anyone. "I guess you're right," she acknowledged and felt his surprise as if it was a living entity. "If you're wondering why I just agreed with you, I'll set your mind at rest. I'm not an alien, I'm just too tired to argue right now. Especially with you."

"What's wrong?" he asked, taking a step towards her. She shrugged.

"Nothing, I'm happy Buffy as always. Got friends, a boyfriend, a Mom and a sis. What could be wrong?"

His hands suddenly gripped her arms lightly. "You don't have to pretend with me," he reminded her softly and she felt her heart begin to crack, but bore the pain, wishing herself a thousand miles away. She didn't want him to be the one that understood her.

"I'm not. I'm fine."

"You don't have to lie to me either," he said tenderly. "Or be strong."

At his words a tear slipped from one hazel eye and she attempted to ignore it. "Please don't."

"Don't what?"

"Don't try and be like we used to. Don't play these games where you come back and play the boyfriend again."

"I didn't know that's what I was doing," he said uncertainly and she whirled, catching him off guard.

"Of course not.maybe you're just trying to save my soul.help me out? Is that what you're doing? Maybe I should take your card then.you know, cause I guess I am one of the hopeless.one of the lonely people that you counsel? Is that how you see me now Angel?" she cried painfully.

He cupped her cheek and looked deep into her eyes. "Yes I think you're lonely. But you'll never be hopeless Buffy. And no, I don't see you that way. I see you as the woman I love."

That halted any words she had been about to utter. "You still love me?"

In answer, he drew her close and embraced her, his strong arms and the bulk of his jacket shutting out the world. Buffy tensed then relaxed, pressing her face into his duster, inhaling the cool, refreshing scent of him. And then it happened. The wall broke and her tears came. They weren't gentle, or lady-like, they were great gasping sobs, that wrenched her tiny body and almost made her gag.

Sitting down carefully, Angel held her on his lap as she wailed against his neck, the force of her tears soaking his skin, her body shuddering, the keening sound she made tearing at his undead heart.

After long moments, she began to quiet, but he held her still, and she made no move to get out of his arms. He wasn't going to ask what was wrong. He knew she would tell him if she wanted to. And he was right. "My mother." she trembled slightly , her voice faltering. "She's.she has a brain tumour."

Angel winced, wound his arms tighter around her. "She's dying Angel.I mean, I think she is. She doesn't even know what she's saying anymore sometimes. And I can't help her. I'm the fucking Slayer and I can't do anything except watch."

"There are things you can do Buffy," he said quietly. "Love your mother and give her your support. That's what she needs right now."

"I know," Buffy admitted with a shuddering sigh. "I know."

"And I'm sure she's grateful just to have you with her.her sweet and brave daughter," he tilted her face up so their eyes could lock. "I bet she feels lucky to have you right now."

Another tear squeezed out and slid down her cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb and asked, "How's Dawn?"

"Not well.but that's not surprising. But she's been a help. So that's good."

"And Willow, Giles?"

"I haven't seen them for a while." she smiled slightly. "But I know they're having happy Christmases, which is a good. I don't want to bug them."

He wanted to protest that she needed people with her right now, but knew it wasn't in Buffy's nature to bother people for help. She looked after herself and everyone else as she went along. "What about." he paused, and kept his tone neutral. "Riley?"

Buffy stiffened and sighed. "I don't even know.he's been a help I guess. But in truth I haven't seen him for a while. I just don't.I can't open up to him."

Angel went still. "Why not?"

"He's not you," she said absently, as if it were obvious. Then she looked up at him again. "I'm glad you came."

He pressed a light kiss to her forehead and she snuggled against his shoulder. "I always will."

~~ have yourself a merry little Christmas
let your heart be light
from now on our troubles will be out of sight
hear we are as in olden days
happy golden days, of old
faithful friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more
through the years we will all be together
if the fates allow
hang a shining star upon the highest bough
and have yourself a merry little Christmas now.~~

End. You know feedback is my life!! Well, not exactly, but it does make my day!!!

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