Shush

by Trixie Firecracker

Disclaimer: Joss owns and it's not like he ever went this route
Rating: R for mature themes relating to suicide and language
Author's Notes: The Buffy in "Past" just hasn't been speaking to me lately, and this is what my screwed-up muse handed to me!
Summary: What if "Becoming Part Two" had ended differently? Buffy speaks.
Distribution: Want, take, have; just send me the URL
Feedback: Welcome, adored: trixiefirecra16@hotmail.com


To whoever finds this:

I'm flying high right now. Excuse the writing- it's messy I know. The ink is blurry and my eyes are watering. It's amazing how good I feel. These pills have gone straight through to my burning belly and they're sending sparks up to my brain. It's nice you know because I can't see the blood or taste the salt. The whiskey helped with that.

I probably look silly- trying to write on this stone floor, my legs curled up underneath me. he had some paper in his room. I didn't touch the bed. I think I might have screamed. I had to not breathe because it smelled like something I didn't want to remember in there. Now that I'm pie high from all the funny pills- they were blue you know- cute and they whispered like the sky and they slid down my throat like butter goes through a knife.

Or sort of like a sword through a stomach. It made this noise when it went through his midsection. It made me want to throw up when I heard it. I could feel my entire chest squeezing. Do you know what that feels like? It made me gag and crunch over until my ribs hurt. When the glow left- it was such a big glow- and he got sucked up like it he was just a little speck of dust in a vacuum. Do you know how it felt to see my boyfriend- the first man to ever come inside me- get dragged into Hell with his hands outstretched- he was trying to reach me. What a joke. Like I could do anything about it.

Now I'll be seeing him again though. Just a few more minutes. It's getting whirly swirly in here and the blood coming from my lungs looks blue. Coughing stings but maybe I like that pain cause that means I'm getting closer to him and the end of it all-------

When he kissed me his lips were like those butterflies that I used to love as a kid. As a stupid little kid who thought my future was going to be all pretty dresses and money and lots of shopping and daises and a wedding with a flower garlands in my hair. maybe long blonde tresses like Rapunzel. even when I got older I loved that fairy-tale. Trapped in the tower- waiting for the Prince.

Isn't that funny. he came and he grabbed my hair and he pulled me down. And then he fucked me and he lost that armour. I want to laugh but the blood is choking my teeth and I can't feel anything or see anything but those betrayed eyes those dark betrayed eyes that stared at me and wondered what was happening cause wasn't I supposed to love and honor. no wait that's marriage but I was supposed to do things, wasn't I? Wasn't I supposed to kiss him and be that girl that made his life better- be that person who he wanted to see at the end of the day.I was supposed to kill tigers for him

But I didn't

instead I killed him and made it all go away. god. I feel sick and the room looks smaller. my head is getting bigger and I think.

I think the stars are coming for me now-----

I'm going to mars and it's going to be pretty and he's going to be there and we can burn together in all the redness and the love and the fucking joy of eternal life--- maybe you'll all miss me and I hope so cause I tried to do what you wanted.

But I can't go on without him can I? Can you expect me to. when he made me strong? No.

Selfish. I'm being selfish but I wanna be up there. in there with him and oh god my stomach is filling up with that cold feeling and it's all ending and there's nothing left to see here but my little body and the filled up belly of the Acathla demon that ate him and took him away and I want to be there.

I'm sorry----

The paper is all messy and if you read this tell my mommy and my Scoobies that they loved me and I wish that I hadn't had to kill him and myself and I wish I'd wanted to live but I don't-

You knew it was going to end for me someday didn't you.

the ceiling is running red with the diamonds that drip down like stars and it's full of screamsssssss-----------

The End

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