Disclaimer: Joss owns and it's not like he ever went this route
To whoever finds this:
I'm flying high right now. Excuse the writing- it's messy I know. The ink is
blurry and my eyes are watering. It's amazing how good I feel. These pills
have gone straight through to my burning belly and they're sending sparks up
to my brain. It's nice you know because I can't see the blood or taste the
salt. The whiskey helped with that.
I probably look silly- trying to write on this stone floor, my legs curled
up underneath me. he had some paper in his room. I didn't touch the bed. I
think I might have screamed. I had to not breathe because it smelled like
something I didn't want to remember in there. Now that I'm pie high from all
the funny pills- they were blue you know- cute and they whispered like the
sky and they slid down my throat like butter goes through a knife.
Or sort of like a sword through a stomach. It made this noise when it went
through his midsection. It made me want to throw up when I heard it. I could
feel my entire chest squeezing. Do you know what that feels like? It made me
gag and crunch over until my ribs hurt. When the glow left- it was such a
big glow- and he got sucked up like it he was just a little speck of dust in
a vacuum. Do you know how it felt to see my boyfriend- the first man to ever
come inside me- get dragged into Hell with his hands outstretched- he was
trying to reach me. What a joke. Like I could do anything about it.
Now I'll be seeing him again though. Just a few more minutes. It's getting
whirly swirly in here and the blood coming from my lungs looks blue.
Coughing stings but maybe I like that pain cause that means I'm getting
closer to him and the end of it all-------
When he kissed me his lips were like those
butterflies that I used to love as a kid. As a stupid little kid who thought
my future was going to be all pretty dresses and money and lots of shopping
and daises and a wedding with a flower garlands in my hair. maybe long
blonde tresses like Rapunzel. even when I got older I loved that fairy-tale.
Trapped in the tower- waiting for the Prince.
Isn't that funny. he came and he grabbed my hair and he pulled me down. And
then he fucked me and he lost that armour. I want to laugh but the blood is
choking my teeth and I can't feel anything or see anything but those
betrayed eyes those dark betrayed eyes that stared at me and wondered what
was happening cause wasn't I supposed to love and honor. no wait that's
marriage but I was supposed to do things, wasn't I? Wasn't I supposed to
kiss him and be that girl that made his life better- be that person who he
wanted to see at the end of the day.I was supposed to kill tigers for him
But I didn't
instead I killed him and made it all go away. god. I feel sick and
the room looks smaller. my head is getting bigger and I think.
I think the stars are coming for me now-----
I'm going to mars and it's going
to be pretty and he's going to be there and we can burn together in all the
redness and the love and the fucking joy of eternal life--- maybe you'll all
miss me and I hope so cause I tried to do what you wanted.
But I can't go on without him can I? Can you expect me to. when he made me
strong? No.
Selfish. I'm being selfish but I wanna be up there. in there with him and oh
god my stomach is filling up with that cold feeling and it's all ending and
there's nothing left to see here but my little body and the filled up belly
of the Acathla demon that ate him and took him away and I want to be there.
I'm sorry----
The paper is all messy and if you read this tell my mommy and my Scoobies
that they loved me and I wish that I hadn't had to kill him and myself and I
wish I'd wanted to live but I don't-
You knew it was going to end for me someday didn't you.
the ceiling is running red with the diamonds that drip down
like stars and it's full of screamsssssss-----------
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Archive
Rating: R for mature themes relating to suicide and language
Author's Notes: The Buffy in "Past" just hasn't been speaking to me lately,
and this is what my screwed-up muse handed to me!
Summary: What if "Becoming Part Two" had ended differently? Buffy speaks.
Distribution: Want, take, have; just send me the URL
Feedback: Welcome, adored: trixiefirecra16@hotmail.com