Disclaimer: Joss owns them. I don't
Author's Notes: this is an alternate for season four. Basically I'm changing everything after "The Harsh Light of Day"
Distribution: Want, take, have; just send me the URL
Feedback: I would love it.
Dedication: this must go out to Sol, who sends unfailing feedback and Sara-Lee, who always has a sweet word
POV: Buffy's
AN2: I want to put up a website for my fic: If anyone can help me with the HTML or give me advice, please e-mail me!

I've already fallen for LA. I didn't know if I would, to be honest, since it's so busy here, and there's supposed to be a lot of smog. But I think things might be better. At least I hope they will be. I like the way the sun shines here. It's different than in Sunnydale definitely.

I was so happy when Giles told me I could probably slay just as well in LA as I could in Sunnydale. Even though the Hellmouth was still, well, Hellmouthy, it wouldn't be that big a deal and they would just call me back if they had any trouble.

I know the gang was upset about my leaving, but not that badly. I mean, Will has Oz, Xander has Anya and Giles isn't even my Watcher anymore. Mom kinda wigged, but I think she'll be fine. Anyway, I think she likes me living with Dad and spending more time with him. That was the reason I gave her anyway, for leaving the 'Dale. I didn't want to tell her it was because I realized I was heading for the edge. Sleeping with Parker and taking stupid risks when I was slaying. Not to mention the fact that Spike almost beat me in a fight.

I've already registered at UCLA, which is a huge campus and a little scary. But I'm hoping all will be well. When I was picking my classes I decided to take a lot of psych and English, stuff like that. I don't start for another week. Some glitch in the scheduling. But that's fine with me. Gives me a lot of time to work on my tan, which has been sadly neglected lately, and buy some new clothes. I've noticed a lot of people have very tiny clothes on here, and are almost always on roller blades. I thought that only happened on Beverly Hills 90210.

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey LA girl

Buffy,

How is life in Los Angeles? We all miss you tons outThe vamps aren't that bad though. I thought theywould go nuts when you left, like, 'Hello, free food and no Slayer!' But it's been strangely quiet.

School is fine, but it seems empty without you. My psych class is very fun. 'Course I am the only one that would fine learning about operant conditioning fun! Xander and Anya are still going, although I don't know if I'd call what they have a relationship! She's a demon, for crying out loud! I guess I'm not one to talk, cause Hello! Dating a werewolf, but anyway. Speaking of demons, you mentioned in your last e-mail that you weren't planning on informing Angel you were LA bound. That changed? Have you seen him yet?

I miss you a lot. I hope things are better.

W

~

The beach isn't really busy today. My skin prickles under the hot sun and I rub some coconut and vanilla oil on it, hoping the SPF in it isn't too high. I want a good tan. Sometimes I wonder about skin cancer, but I figure, Slayer equals short life span, so what does it really matter?

Right now I'm reading "The Deep End of the Ocean" which is about a missing child. It's haunting, and it's made me cry already, which is weird for a book to do. As I'm reading, I keep looking at the sea. It's green and inviting, curling on the shore like something alive.

When I was little I used to look at the ocean and wonder what was underneath it. It scared me. My father told me it was two miles deep, and being little, I didn't know how deep that was. It just sounded like a long way. He held onto my hand and I pressed my baby cheek against his sun-warmed arm, knowing that my Daddy would never let me fall in. That's the security kids have I guess, but now I wonder if anyone would reach out to catch me.

Adjusting the straps of my tiny black bikini, I contemplate for a quick second taking the top off, but reject that idea. I don't feel that free. No one should ever feel that free. Maybe I'm just being prudish. Although I doubt that Parker would think so. Ugh. I made a promise to myself I wasn't going to think about him. And here I am, slipping his name into my thoughts. It isn't even about him really. It's more about the idea of me sleeping with someone that fast. It was our first date and I went right to bed with him, to his smarmy red sheets. I'm surprised they weren't black satin.

You know, it's funny, the whole time I was in bed with him, I kept thinking about Angel. That's sick, isn't it? I didn't tell anyone that. I guess it was a lot of things. I was thinking, 'Wow! Look at me, with someone else. I must really be over him!" and all this. But I was also thinking, "God, what am I doing?" Like, I don't think it was possible for me to cheapen what I had with Angel, any more than that. And I think Spike told him about it.

I can't even explain the rage I felt when Spike was taunting me about Angel saying I wasn't worth a second go or something. I know he wouldn't say that, but still, it hurts.

And I haven't even called him. I never went through the dumped girlfriend routine of calling him like thirty times a night and begging with him to come back to me. I didn't even play lots of sad music and wallow in misery and ice cream. Sometimes I wonder why not. And then I realize I thought I was beyond that, and that our relationship meant more than that. That I couldn't get over him just by gaining a couple pounds from food and watching bad, sappy girl movies.

Instead I let some guy come inside me and hoped he would make me feel full. God, I feel emptier than ever.

The sun is so hot. I don't want to be out here anymore. Sand is scratching my thighs and making me feel itchy. Leaving my stuff, I dive into the ocean and feel the cool green water close over my head, lap over my face and get into my nose. The salt is still burning me, but it's a cool burn, and I welcome it. Flinging my arms out to the sides, I embrace the sea and a wave crashes over me, it's white foam hungrily devouring the beach.

My hair is wet and long and blonde, and my suit sticks to my tanned skin. A lot of guys are looking at me, but I want to warn them this isn't the pretty picture they imagine. It's only part of it. Like a Christmas card. One part is the crackling fire and pine tree. The other part is the man dying of a drug overdose just in time to wish his kids a Merry Christmas.

~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Checking in

Buff,

Hey chickie. I'd like to now apologize for greeting you that way. How are things in LA? Sunnydale is one boring town without our fave Slayer. Any chance of you hopping back on a bus or something to see all of us? I hear from Will that you started your first semester at UCLA. Hope it's working out good for ya. And she says you made some new friends to.Beth and Juliet or something? Hope they're cool.

Any boyfriends? I know the guys must be lining up. What did I call you once? "The Buffinator?"

We all miss you. Hope you're not saying, 'like whatever' and you haven't let the suntan lotion go to your head.

Xander

"Do you even get West Civ?"

Beth is such a talker. Juliet is the quiet one. I like both of them, to a point. I smile at her and point to one of my open books. "Nope, that's why the studying is happening."

Juliet plays with a strand of black hair listlessly. It's hot out in the Quad where we're studying and sometimes I wonder if there is anywhere in LA that is not oppressively stifling. There must be. Maybe it's just the time of year. "But seriously," Beth persists. "It shouldn't even be a subject .West Civ.abolished."

"For the good of all man," Juliet puts in, grinning and rolling her golden eyes. She looks like a cat, and I think she's pretty. In a strange way. Maybe beautiful is the word. Beth is more kewpie doll cute, with her curly fair hair and blue, blue eyes. "Hey, Buffy, want to come to the Starlight tonight? Please?"

It's not like I haven't gone before, but I really don't want to go dancing tonight. I'm not sure why. But as Juliet turns her pleading eyes on me, I know I'll say yes. She's a demon, this girl. I hate saying no to her. Beth giggles and claps her hands, saying, "That guy that loves you will be there."

"Oh great," I answer, wondering how I'm going to blow off this guy. He is a pure golden boy, very cute and all, but I haven't been out with anyone since I started school a month ago and I don't intend to start now. "Just what I need. More slobber from James."

Juliet laughs but Beth pouts. "He's such a sweetie."

"Yes," I agree. "Sweetness is happening. But so is large amounts of boring and even more of 'please sleep with me cause I have puppy dog eyes'."

I can see that Beth is irritated. She doesn't get why I don't date. I haven't told them about Parker or Angel.

Angel.

Being in the same city as him again is strange, but I haven't seen him and I like that. If I did, I don't know what I would do. Besides, LA is always so sunny. I just assume that he's out in the darkest parts of the night. I patrol every night, and slay a lot of vampires, and I do my duty, but I never see him. Thank God. If any God is watching.

"So you'll come out?"

My eyes focus on Beth. "Sure. Lots of dancing at the Starlight. Lots of fun."

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: I need to talk.

Buffy,

Oz left me. I'm in shock. I need you. Please call me. I keep calling you, but your Dad says you're out.

I can't even think. I can't breathe. Please, Buffy.I need to talk to you.

W

~

Whew. I'm dancing and hot. Everyone is sweating. I can smell lots of lust and hormones in here. It's my slayer senses. Beth is wearing some little blue dress, and it looks like the ocean. Juliet is in something red. It's tiny. She appears panther-like and is beautiful.

Me, well, of course I'm in black. I think that's all I wear. It's a strappy thing that I picked up today to wear tonight, and it's skimpy. My legs flash golden as I whirl around with lots of guys that I don't even recognize. There's a song playing that I love, "Smooth" by Santana.

Man it's a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
Well I hear you whispering the words, melt everyone one
But you stay so cool
My monoquita
My Spanish Harlem Mona Lisa
You're my reason for reason, the step in my groove

And if you said, this life ain't good enough
I would give my world to lit you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Cause you're so smooth.

My dress is sticking to my thighs where they are slick with sweat. It's a good sweat. Smells like power and vanilla, coconut and sin.

Mmm.my hair is whirling around me like a bolt of silk. It feels heavy, but yet light, like a cloud full of rain. My throat is parched and I gesture to Juliet that I'm going to get a drink. "Get me a margarita!" she yells and I laugh.

"That ID better work!" I call back, and then stop, wondering if anyone heard me. No one is listening of course, the sultry beats of Santana working it's magic. As I walk up to the bar, and fish some money from my underwear (there wasn't anywhere else to put it) I try and decide what to get.

"Two lime margaritas please" I say to the bar tender and lean over a bit. He's so preoccupied with checking out my breasts that he doesn't even ask for an ID. Flush with victory, I turn and am faced with him.

Angel.

The world stops.

It literally stops turning.

"Buffy."

His voice is shocked and my face goes red. Without even thinking, I toss back the margarita like it's water and feel the cool slide of ice and tequila down my throat, momentarily choking me. A drop of ice dribbles down my neck and drips into the cleft between my breasts. He watches it with dark eyes gone black as pitch. My voice squeaks as I reply. "Hi!"

That was too bright. Rob Thomas croons, well I'll tell you one thing, if you leave it'd be a crying shame. *No kidding* I think and smile at my former lover with white, fresh teeth. "Hi."

Hmm.I just said that before. He raises his eyebrows and says, "Hi. What are you doing here?" He's shaken, I can tell, and that makes me feel so good. Ha ha, Angel, your turn to feel like you don't know what hit you. Hope you feel like you can't breathe.

"I live here," I answer and take another long sip of margarita, realizing that I'm drinking from Juliet's. I know she won't mind. I need this alcohol. "Small world."

He arches a brow again and regards me with narrowed eyes. Damn. I hate when he looks at me like that. And he looks wonderful. His pale skin so untouched by sunlight, so pure, his eyes dark and sweet like chocolate. I catch a glimpse of his teeth as he tugs on his lower lip with them. He never used to do that. Must be a new habit. My chest hurts. Wonder what other new habits he has. "Not that small," he responds and then hesitates before asking, "Are you here visiting your father?"

"No. I'm living with him. I'm UCLA girl now." This conversation is starting to make my eyes burn with the need to cry. I haven't wept over him since that one day with Willow, and I don't intend to ruin a perfect record. "Anyway, good to see ya. But I think I better go rejoin my friends."

His eyes flash. Jealousy? "You here with.someone?"

Oh that's just swell. He thinks he has the right to care? Oh God, I want to throw up. The tequila is meeting my stomach and my stomach does not want to be friends. "With people," I answer obliquely.

As someone jostles him, the DJ starts playing a slow song. Oh, no, oh God.it's "Wild Horses" the one we danced to at the Prom. His head snaps up to look at me, and I can see he remembers. I'm gonna pretend I don't. "Can we dance?" he inquires. "I'm in the way of people here."

Some parts of me long to say no, cause he doesn't deserve to dance with me. And I'm scared to dance with him. That thought makes me say a careless, "Sure". Scared? I don't get scared anymore. I can do this.

Childhood living is easy to do
And the things you wanted, I bought them for you
Graceless lady, you know who I am
You know I can't let you, just slide through my hands
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away

His arms are strong, the muscles flex as he wraps them around me. Oh I don't want to feel this way, but it's hard not to. I don't press my face against his chest. Or look up at him. My eyes are fixed to some point past his arm. His smell envelops me. It's like incense and fear, and the night. It smells like home.

That irritates me. I like things that smell like suntan lotion, and sunshine and sand and the ocean. Things that most decidedly do not smell like home.

I watched you suffer through a dull aching pain
Now you've decided to show me the same

"Buffy.why didn't you tell me you're living here?"

His voice next to my ear startles me. Am I really dancing with Angel? I would like to believe this is just a dream. Or a nightmare. "Oh.I was going to. Maybe. Sometime. You know, I thought it'd be best not to confuse things so soon after. I mean, aren't couples supposed to wait awhile before they see each other? I thought that's how it was supposed to go." Is that me babbling? I have to stop myself.

"Yeah, I guess so."

He sounds confused. So am I. I don't know what's happening. Suddenly it feels like we're back in the old gym in Sunnydale High, streamers and balloons floating across the ceiling, the scent of nostalgia and suppressed excitement filling the air as we dance and our tears are silent. As we pretend it isn't Goodbye. Not yet.

"Well.I should go," I tell him blankly, and smile. It's so easy to smile. Just a reflex of muscles in my cheeks. They don't care if I'm happy. They'll smile whenever I tell them to. "Really.nice to see you."

"Thanks for the Gem," he says suddenly, and I turn back, my eyes meeting his.

"Oh, Oz did get it to you?" I'm interested despite myself. I had forgotten that I gave that to him.

"Yeah.I had to destroy it. Sorry."

Figures. He destroyed us. Why wouldn't he destroy the one thing I give him? "No problem."

"Can I see you again?" he asks, almost desperately. "I mean.I could show you around my offices. You could see Cordelia again. She works for me now."

"Maybe.sometime."

I don't want to commit to anything. But he half-smiles and then he's gone, his black clothes mixing in with the rest of the revelry and I'm left standing, stock still, unable to move, as always. It's like being hit by lightening.

~

My room is small at my Dad's and he's never home. Always working. I'm sort of beginning to realize why my Mom divorced him. Switching on my computer, the light greets me and I scowl at it. Willow's e-mail comes up and I feel the tears start as I read it. Balling up on my bed, I call her and we both weep. I forgot how much I miss her. She's in shock and so am I. Oz left her and Angel left me and neither of us know how to breathe without them.

I thought I was learning. But now he's back, and I know I'm going to be forced to deal with him one way or the other.

Willow and I talk all night and for a while, I feel like the Buffy I used to be. Her sobs are coming deep and gasping through the phone wire and she sounds like me months ago. "I never thought he would leave." Her voice is choked and I can tell she wants to throw up.

"I know." I try to sound soothing, and I'm sure I fail.

"I miss you." she sniffs and a tear slips from my eye. Willow. I miss her to. I miss a lot of things, but they can't be brought back. And neither can I. "I miss Oz.how could he leave me?"

"I don't know," I answer softly, looking out the window at the stars. "I really don't."

Part Two

It's November and not at all cold here. Not that it got cooler in Sunnydale.

Willow and I stayed up all night talking again but I think she's still wrecked over Oz and it hurt me to listen to her because I know exactly how she feels. I didn't tell her about seeing Angel a couple days ago. What was I going to say? "Sorry your boyfriend left you but I have more pressing problems right now?"

I'm in English and I'm not even listening. We're studying Frankenstein and the teacher is waxing on about how we should all feel sorry for the monster. Yeah, right. Like anyone would be like, "Oh great.a green coloured man with bolts sticking out of its head! We'll be nice to it to see if it's nice." Everyone is so hypocritical in here. I want to stand up and say that I've been faced with demons and they are not sweetness and light. I want to say to run if you ever encounter one. But really, everyone would laugh. We pretend they aren't out there and no one wants to know.

Juliet and I are supposed to meet after class to head for the malls. Ugh. I used to love shopping, and when I was in Sunnydale I hardly ever got to. It should be a treat now that I'm here but I guess I've just grown past that.

My eyes drift to the window. It may not be cold, but there is no sun. It's a thickly rainy day and my spirits feel about on par with the weather. Tapping my pencil on the side of my seat I notice the guy next to me staring fixedly at my tanned legs that are peeking out from my slitted black leather skirt. I want to tell him to put his eyes back in his head, but I guess I can't fault him for looking.

~

My Dad's Mom, Grandma Elizabeth, died when I was ten. I went to see her in the hospital and she looked thin. I didn't know how to say Goodbye, so I just kissed her cheek and said I would see her soon. Her skin was almost blue and she smiled at me. She looked like she knew it was her time to go. I wonder if I will know when the time comes, or will it be a surprise? Maybe I'll sink into death when she did, at a very old age. Maybe I'll die in my sleep. Of course I know this is just a dream. My death will be bloody, messy, a battle maybe. I'll die young and pretty, my blonde hair stained with red, my smile older than it should be.

~

This classroom is stifling. The walls are sweating and I can see a bead of perspiration on the guy in front of me. It's rolling down the flesh of his neck. I wonder if he feels it or he's just ignoring it. My hair is sticking to my forehead. I don't look pretty right now. It's too hot. Why don't they have air-conditioning in this room? It must be the only one in all of UCLA that does not have an a/c.

I remember when Angel and I used to train and he'd sweat. His skin would be shiny with exertion and my tongue would literally ache to taste him. I wish I knew what his sweat tasted like. I don't. The one night we made love he was cool and wet with rain.

My hands hurt. They look small against my knees. I wish they were bigger, more capable or something. I wish I had someone to rub them and make them feel better. I think the guy beside me would like the job, but he'd want a quick fumbling of my tanned body and he's want to be inside me and stretch me, and I can't have that. No one is allowed into me anymore. It doesn't work. No one fits.

Finally, class is over. Getting up, I see Juliet waiting at the door for me. She's dressed in a red sleek jumpsuit that no one else could ever get away with. But she does. Seeing me, she waves lightly and her mouth curves. I get a funny feeling about her sometimes but I'm not sure what it is. "Hello," she says with her panther eyes trained on me. "Ready to shop?"

I can't say no. Besides, what else am I going to do? "Sure, let's hit the malls," I agree and she links arms with me, tossing a look back at my classroom.

"English a drag huh?"

"The draggiest," I admit and she grins.

"Yeah.I feel you."

We drive to the mall in her black convertible, with the top up. I think everyone in LA has a cool car. Except me. My Dad barely notices I exist, much less thinks to get me a vehicle. The bus is fine for me. When we reach the West Beverly Shopping Center, I grab my black bag and hop out, covering my head with it. Rain is coming down fiercely. "We better run."

Juliet sighs with pleasure and her lips are wet. "No.I love the rain. Don't you?"

"Well, when I have an umbrella I do. C'mon Julie. No one likes frizzy hair."

When we get into the mall, things whirl and melt together into endless tops and skirts, boots and make up and glittery pants with hoop earrings. I end up buying quite a bit. Juliet leaves with only a lipstick, in blood red. "I didn't see anything else I liked," she shrugs.

I go home and make myself a sandwich. My Dad is working. Big surprise.

~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey, checking in.
Date: 28th November

Hey Buff,

Well, things are crazy in Sunnydale. Will is wigging out over Oz and she did a spell to have her will done. It ended up with me having fuzzy feelings for Spike.(I know, insert gagging noises here) and Giles going blind. She didn't get her will done in the end, but she keeps baking cookies so we'll forgive her.

Anya and I are sort of officially dating. Well, scratch that.I've been roped into officially dating her. Not that I want to. Really. I don't. Hmmm.

Have you seen Angel or something? Your e-mail last night was sorta overly cheery. It sounds like something's up with our fave Slayer. C'mon.tell Uncle Xander.

Everyone misses you. Your Mom especially, although she's doing ok. Giles acts like he doesn't. He gets all English and British (that might be the same thing) and says something like, "We should all be happy that Buffy is spending more time with her father". I am of course, but damn, Buff, please come and visit. And bring those (I assume) HOTTIE friends you have. Oh wait, dating Anya now. Never mind.

Miss you Buff. By the way, busted a gut over the e-card you sent. Where do you find those? Or is that a trade secret?

Xander

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Thanks for the talk.
Date: December 1st

Buffy,

Hey, I miss you. I loved talking to you on the phone last night.I said that right? I didn't tell you last night, but I have this new friend. I haven't told anyone about her yet. Her name's Tara and she's a bad ass Wicca. Pretty powerful from what I've seen. I think our spells are going to rock.

Nothing much else is happening. Xander and Anya make me want to gag. Spike is hanging out with us a lot, Xander had to tie him to a chair in his room the other night. I think we've got all the Spike we can handle at the moment. I don't have a new roommate or anything. Rooming alone. I loved the poem by Jewel you sent me. Here, I went out and bought her book, so this is one I loved as well.

Compass
Together we have sensed distance
Stretch it's defeating spine
Between our hearts, and felt the haunting gales of vacancy fill
The hollows of our eyes with wandering

There is no thief to blame who has
Stolen the warmth from our kisses; departure has been gradual
By degrees

Because I love you
I will not send you into the night
With teeth marks and pride I have
Stripped you of. I will draw
A compass on your belly, and you
Will tell my heart it's okay
Before we turn each other loose beneath the
Endless sky. Let us be still.
Tell the arms not to worry so.
Disarm the tongue of it's dagger
And listen.

Such cold beauty exists here
Do you see it? Like the landscape
Frozen, waiting to be born.
By Jewel Kilcher

I still think about Oz every day. Every minute and I wonder when he'll come back. I guess it was the same for you, with Angel?

It will get better won't it? With all the time that's passing? Lie to me.

W

~

The beach is silent tonight. I come to this one at night sometimes and walk with my toes trailing in the water. It's cold without the sun warming it's depths. My feet are cool and I love it. It's so dark out here and I can barely see the ocean. I like it at night because it looks like an escape.

Sometimes I still picture walking into it, letting all the water seep into my pores and lungs and swimming to the very bottom until I touch the sand and know I've reached peace.

When I was little I was scared to touch the bottom of the pool with my feet. "Sharks will get me," I told my Mom. She would laugh as all mothers do at their children and force me to. I don't think she understood the fear that choked my six-year-old throat. I didn't like the dark. I didn't like the unknown.

How funny, because now I do. Maybe it's the way my life goes. I think the unknown must be better than what I'm living now. If I was swimming once and seaweed caught at my legs, trying to pull me under, I don't know if I would fight. Maybe I would just take what the ocean was offering me. A way out. A way out from the mess that is my life. Even with all this time away from Sunnydale and the Scoobies, I'm still flirting with the edge. With every step I spin closer and I want to know.what would it take for me to go over? What is it going to take to stop me?

A figure steps from the darkness and I scuff my feet on the sand, not really surprised. I knew we would see each other again. "Hi."

"Hey," Angel greets me, his voice husky and deep. His skin gleams in the faint moonlight, and the shadows bouncing off the water hit him and make him look like an Adonis.

"How did you find me here?" I ask and he shrugs.

"I sensed you." Such a simple answer, and it cuts right to my core. The weight of this connection between us is starting to crush my lungs. I realize my feet are burning from rubbing them against the sand and I stop.

"How's.life?"

He looks surprised at my question, as if he's forgotten that we barely know each other anymore. "Fine," he replies. "Cordelia works for me now. So does this man named Doyle. He has important visions from the Powers that Be.we help people with lost souls."

I'm impressed and I don't want to be. But it is nice to see him with a quest. I like that he's got something. I guess it just wasn't enough anymore. Having just me. My face hurts. The flesh around my cheeks is stinging. God I want to cry. "That's great," I compliment him. "Must be nice, helping people in trouble and all."

"Yeah, I guess you would understand," he reminds me and I'm startled for a moment. I don't really help people. Do I? "You help people, Buffy," he comments quietly, reading my mind as he always was able to do.

"Thanks. But I'm not some super hero," I grumble, and turn away to watch the waves capping onto the shore, the pebbles in the sand getting between my toes. "Anyway, you do it because you have a choice. I don't. Believe me, I'd much rather be painting my nails."

"Don't try and make yourself sound shallow." His voice is soft and my heart cracks. It would be so easy to spin around and go right over the edge. Throw myself in his strong arms and hold him until our bones ache. I might as well just fling myself into the ocean. For a moment, I consider it. What would he do? My thoughts are interrupted as he continues; "Anyway, I don't have a choice in this either. You know I have to make amends. You told me that once."

"Did I?" I don't remember. But lately I can't recall anything. I can't even remember why he left. "Why did you leave" I inquire unthinkingly and hear his gasp. He didn't expect that. Well, good. Let him founder for a while.

"Because I could never give you a normal life."

"Bullshit."

Maybe that was a harsh answer. But I want to screw him up. He doesn't seem unhappy and I can't even express how fucking angry that makes me. He should be miserable. He should be crying on my shoulder. He should be trying to kiss me. Why isn't he? I could kill him right now. Hot rage is boiling underneath my flesh and I want to scream.

"Buffy." he sounds hesitant and that makes me hate him even more. "You.said you understood. Has that changed?"

"Of course I said I understood!" my voice is breaking. "I wanted you to think I was strong. Buffy.she never crumbles! Even when the man she loves leaves her.nope, she stays perky and saves the goddamn planet! Oh yeah.that Buffy.what a trooper."

He's coming forward and his hands grip my forearms. "What do you want?" he asks, his calm demeanour disappearing.

We're so close. I can feel his skin. I can feel his strength. "For you to fuck me." I breathe tauntingly, knowing he will find that unendurable.

"Buffy." he groans, and shakes me angrily. "You little bitch."

So now we're reduced to this. I knew it would come around eventually. A showdown. A shouting, slinging match where we both try and hurt each other. "You're pathetic." I tell him, lying through my pure white teeth. "Can't even make love to me."

His eyes darken with fury and anguish and I wrench myself away from him, doing what I want to do, throwing myself into the dark waves, my body struggling as I swim. I hear his scream, "Buffy!!"

Catch me if you can, I think and the water stings my eyes. The waves are higher than they seemed from the beach and the water is sucking me down, black as pitch, covering my skin and getting into my ears and mouth. If I drink.what will happen? I want to open my mouth, and sink deeper, into this greedy ocean. It wants me for dinner and maybe I might just let it have me.

Opening my lips, I feel a salty trickle enter, soon a gush, but before I can swallow, arms grab me. I don't struggle. Cause I don't want to bring him down with me. As he swims with me, his anger is a palpable presence.

Dragging me onto the beach, Angel lays me out onto the sand, shaking with rage as his hands come down on either side of my face. "What the fuck were you thinking?" he shouts raggedly and I shrug.

It's that shrug that makes him snap. With a tortured groan, he leans down and his mouth is crushing mine. His lips are salty, but he tastes better than the ocean. Gasping with sudden, devastating desire, my mouth opens and he swirls his tongue past my lips, licking me dry. God.I want this. His thighs are a hard pressure between my thighs as I open my legs and hope he will rip of his pants, slam into me and not care about the consequences. God.just be inside me.come inside me and fill me up. I feel so empty suddenly, this great, yawning space within me, and I use my hands to pull his back so his full weight will envelop my body. His mouth is hungry and hot, as his tongue licks the hollow in my throat.

"Please."

I don't even recognize my own voice. It's panting, and desperate and I don't think he recognizes it either. With a sudden movement, his mouth is torn from mine and he whirls himself away. "Buffy." he moans, and I sit up, feeling my skin scratching against the sand. Between my legs feels sore and open. It's waiting for him.but I know he will never let himself.

"I'm sorry." I murmur helplessly and run down the beach, my salty hair streaming behind me, mixing with the salt of my tears.

Part Three

I'm sitting eating on the quad with Juliet and Beth. It's very hot and my hair sticks to my forehead as I bite into a slice of orange. As the juice slides down my parched and salty throat, I sigh and look out into the distance.

"Pensive today Buff." Juliet notes as the fork she is using slices into a large piece of chocolate cake. She loves sweet things. Anything with icing, anything containing sugar. I like salt.

"No more than usual," I answer flippantly, and open up a bottle of water. "Besides, it's too hot to do anything but lie around."

Beth looks up from her magazine and smiles wearily. "You would think this heat wave would be over. Man.I am about to roast out here."

"I know," I agree and pour some water on my neck. Who cares? I'm wearing a tank top and the cotton will soak it up easily. Juliet is watching. If I didn't know better I would think she was looking at my breasts. "Do you guys want to split? Go get some ice cream?"

They do so we go and have a fun girly time. Ice cream is sweet and cold and on that hot day, it's heaven. Later I go home and sit in my room. There isn't anything on the walls and I feel like doing something about that. Maybe I could put up some pictures of movie stars. Make it look normal.

My throat hurts and I want some water, but my legs won't move. If I sit still for too long I start to feel itchy. Maybe it's the left over sand. It seems to be washing away slowly. I haven't seen Angel since that night, which was a week ago, and I don't know when I will again. We came too close. Came too close to losing it and fucking each other senseless. But then I think, would it be so bad if we did?

I need to lose it. I need to let go.

~

My Grandma Elizabeth was a girl once. I could never believe it when I was younger. But she was, and she loved to dance. When I was little I would sit on her lap and she would tell me that during the war she entertained the soldiers with songs and a little pirouette. "What's a war?" I asked then, and her eyes were old as she patted my head.

"It's not a nice time," was all she would say. But when I'd tug on her hair, she would laugh and peck my cheek. "Someday I'll tell you all about my lovers and my losses and my life."

She died before I could hear about it. Sometimes I regret that those stories were taken to the grave with her. Before I could pick at them, and learn from them. I remember her hands. They were beautiful. Gnarled and bent as she got older, but always soft, like silk. She told me she used a lot of lotion, but I just thought she was blessed. I used to ask her if she painted, and her silvery laugh was light as she'd say, "No. But I sang. And that's enough for me."

Maybe it was enough, but as a child, I wondered how she could say that. I wanted to paint, and dance and sing, all at the same time. I used to practice all three and try and perfect myself to be what people wanted. To be perfect. To be Buffy.

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Something's up.
Date: December 13th 1999

Buffy,

Hey. Something's going on in Sunnydale. Apparently there are some military commandos we know nothing about roaming around. We've been trying to find out more about them from Spike. He was captured, and now he can't.perform. He tried to bite me.and Buffy, it was so scary. But he couldn't. I'm not sure why, no one is. So how he sort of hangs out with us. Well, really, we tie him to chairs and feed him blood. Not of the good!

Oz is still gone. As I told you, he sent for all his things and hasn't been in contact with us. Me especially I guess. He wants to be somewhere that isn't with me. You know, I want to cry over him still every day? Cause I'll just be sitting somewhere, and something will happen and I'll think, "I gotta remember to tell Oz that". And then I remember to tell myself he's gone.

I'm been hanging out more with the girl I told you about, Tara. She's a great Wicca. Better than me, and I totally admire her. She's very shy though and I'm hesitant about letting her meet the Scoobies. I just want to keep her all to myself for a while.

I talked to your Mom today. She says she talks to you every couple of days. She misses you, and says the house is empty. I miss you to and hope you will come and visit sometime. I know school must be busy though! That's kick ass that you got a B on your History paper! I knew you could do some great schoolwork.

Have I mentioned I miss Oz? Sigh. Can you tell me it gets better? Please?

W

~

From: QueenC@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Didn't know you were in LA.
Date: December 15th 1999

Buffy,

Angel grumbled something the other day about you being in LA? Well, why haven't you come down to see me? I know you and Angel have the issues thing.but hey, we did go to High School together!

Anyway, he needs your help.don't freak out. It's not anything demony.well.depends on how you look at it. Our friend, Doyle.he died. He was Vision Guy for our company and he passed them onto me. Angel.he's not taking it well, and I think it would be nice if you could please.come down and talk to him? Please, Buffy? As much as I hate to beg, or hate the fact that you might be the only one who can reach him.I have to ask. Cause I care about that dumb vampire and I'm not letting him lose his mind.

Cordy

PS: Address for A:I up top.

~

"Hey."

Cordelia looks up from where she's typing at the computer and sort of grimaces at me. Her eyes have dark circles under them, and I suddenly wonder how close Doyle was to all of them. I deal with death every day and know what it's like. I feel a rush of sympathy for her, but it's wiped out with her next comment.

"Took you long enough to get your skinny little ass down here! I guess Angel must mean so much to you."

"Don't start with me Cordy," I warn her, not even batting an eye. "Where is he?"

With resentment clouding her features, she motions to the elevator. "Go down. He's in his apartment. Being broody-guy. Not good for business. I'll tell you that much.geez.you'd think he would have the decency to snap out of it-"

I lay my hand on her arm. "I'm sorry about Doyle Cordy."

Her lower lip trembles until she catches it between sharp white teeth. A bead of red swells from the torn skin and she licks it off, her eyes sad. "Thanks."

I nod and walk into the elevator, feeling it go down in a daze. My every pore revolts at seeing him once more, but maybe I can help. Or maybe I will just make things worse. "Angel?"

There isn't any answer. It's dark down here, the shades drawn even though it's night. The walls breathe with him. My whole being reacts to his smell, his mark, on everything in these rooms. I have never been in a place that screamed his name so much. My stomach hurts. "Angel?" I call again, louder this time.

Treading lightly, I step into the bedroom. There he is. Lying amongst cool white sheets, his pale flesh shadowed and drawn. Purple smudges adorn his eyes, and even from where I stand I can see the tear tracks. He's asleep, but it's troubled, he's moving from side to side, murmuring things I cannot make out. A bottle of tequila lies empty beside the bed, his hand outstretched as if he dropped it.

Picking it up, I cap it and throw it into the nearby garbage. I want to take him in my arms and hold him close, try to ease the suffering wracking his body, the shivers he gives into every once and while. But I'm not sure I can help, so I sit down beside the bed, my fingers absently playing with the coverlet.

~

My parents used to fight when I was younger. It wasn't something I understood. They would scream and shout after I had gone to bed. I don't know if they were so delusional as to think I didn't hear them. I remember being four years old and lying curled up in my bed, cowering under my pink sheets. My ears didn't recognize the voices hissing and swirling under the door. Maybe bad people were in my house. That's what I thought.

~

My Grandma Elizabeth took me away for a holiday once. She was healthier and I was seven. In all my girlish delight, I loved it. She took me to Hawaii and let me have a sip of her funny tasting drink with the little paper umbrella. It was our secret, she told me. I wasn't to tell my parents. She giggled and sounded younger than my mother. I was in love with her smile and her bright blue dresses. At dinner she treated me like a lady. She told the waiter I was seven and of course I should have the grown up menu. He was amused and patted my head. She leaned in and told me conspiratorially. "That's what men do. Pat our heads. But you never let anyone do that to you, ok darling?" I smiled and shook my head happily. No, I would never let anyone make me feel little. I was seven. That was grown-up.

"My Buffy. So old, before her time I think." She would always say that. Maybe she knew more then than I would for a long time.

~

Angel is shaking. He's not awake yet. I'm starting to think he's unconscious. Tired of waiting, I smack him. "Wake up!"

He doesn't. Damnit. Anyone else would shoot out of the bed after I swatted them. But of course, not him. Staring down at his tortured face, my belly hollows out. I lean down and press my kiss against his. "Wake up sleeping beauty." I whisper.

His eyelids flicker and his mouth softens under mine. "Buffy?" He murmurs and I pull away, sitting beside him. "What are you doing here?"

His voice is slurred from sleep and I realize I don't think I've heard him when he is just waking up before from a long, deep rest. "Cordy e-mailed me. She's wigging about you. What's this? Death by tequila?"

He groans and I notice his eyes are faintly blood shot. At least vampires get hung over. It would be unfair if they got out of that. "I guess." he responds and sits up, swaying to the side dizzily. "Did you hear about.?"

"Doyle? Yes," I reply softly. His mouth is a pained slash as he nods. "I'm sorry."

Maybe that's a useless thing to say. I've always thought it was. Because, really, what is the person that is saying it, sorry for? Sorry you're feeling like shit? Sorry your friend died? It seems so pat and trivial. But he smiles wanly and he goes to touch my hand. My fingers curl into my palms, and he retreats.

"It means a lot.that you came," he says, and our eyes lock. "Thank you Buffy."

"Is there going to be a funeral?" I inquire and he shakes his head.

"No body. Besides, I don't know what family he has.I really don't know anything."

"It's okay." I soothe him, and against my better judgement, curve my arms around him, bringing his head down to rest against my shoulder. His face is pressed against my neck, and I feel the hot tears. I guess vampires' don't have dead tears. They're alive and burning and salty.

My own eyes burn, and I caress his head, running my hands through his hair as he buries his face in my lap, slumping down and sobbing, the sounds he's making cutting into me like nothing else could. Murmuring words of comfort that mean nothing and everything all at once. I know my voice will be enough.

~

One of my favourite songs has always been "Stairway to Heaven". I used to wonder if maybe heaven is somewhere that you have to buy your way into. I now look down at the weeping vampire who clings to me, and wonder what he will have to do to get into heaven.

Can he ever buy his way in, saving all these lost souls and helping people in trouble.will it be enough? Or will he be denied that peace?

Maybe heaven isn't what we imagine. I don't think it will be anyway. He's sleeping. The tears have stopped.

~

I never had anywhere to cry when I was little. My mother would lock herself in the bathroom and weep after a fight with my father. I had forgotten that until now. Her gasping sobs were so rampant and frightening I couldn't get away from them. I would curl up in my closet and try to hide but they'd follow me.

And part of me always hated my father for making her cry like that. But as the years went by, I forgot about it. And he was just my Dad, who I loved. The only man I wanted to see with my Mom. I suppose I should have asked her if that was who she saw herself with forever. Maybe I should have asked. I never did.

~

I lean down and kiss his cheek. It tastes like salt on my lips. He's the ocean. He's my harbour.

Or am I his?

I could never figure that out.

Part Four

I left him sleeping in his bed. Waking him would have been foolish. He needs his rest and I don't know how long he's going to grieve.

My room's cold and lonely. I can hear my Dad roaming around in the kitchen but I don't feel like saying anything to him.

When did I get so alone?

~

"Do you guys want to sleep over tonight? My Dad's going to be out." I say to Beth and Juliet as we meet in one of the cafeteria's to grab a snack before we leave for the day. Beth can't. She's got a hot date with her tennis instructor. I swear, only in LA. Her blue eyes are shining and she looks innocent. Sometimes I wonder when I lost that look.

Juliet sends me a provocative glance. She's wearing a gold top and looks like Cleopatra. "Sure. Love to," she says quietly and I feel uneasy. What is it about her that draws me and repels me at the same time? Her teeth bite into a red apple, and I stare at them. They're sharp.

"Ok," I respond and she agrees to come over later at about eight. I figure I'll go pick up some cake. And maybe some chips for me. My stomach hurts for salt.

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hello, no voices!
Date: December 20th 1999

Hey Buffy,

Did you hear what happened in Sunnydale? It was like a real live fairytale, but not of the good kind. We all got our voices stolen by these gentlemen who need seven hearts blah blah bling. Anyway, we wanted to call you.but no voices. It was pretty scary. Tara and I had to run away from them and we used our powers. It's frightening how powerful we are together.

Everything worked out fine though. We broke the box they found the voices in and since a Princess had to scream.I screamed. Wow. I'm a Princess.yay!

Another thing.you know those military guys I told you about.guess who I think might be one of them?? Riley Finn. Member the TA for our Psych class? He may look kinda.well.clueless.and maybe he is, but he's been acting very strange, and when the Gentlemen were around I could have sworn I saw him wearing a military outfit. Might just be me though.

I miss you a lot. Love you,

W

~

I sit back after reading Willow's e-mail and realize it's the first time she's never mentioned Oz. Wow. Maybe she's moving on. Maybe she's finally made the break. I hope so, cause I know from experience that not letting it go only leads to trouble.

~

Juliet arrives and looks around. She's wearing so much smoky black eye make up that her eyes look twice as large. She sets down her bags and crosses her pale legs, motioning for me to join her on the bed. "Want some cake?"

"Sure," she responds quietly, licking her lips. I find myself staring at them, not quite knowing why. The cake is chocolate and has a lot of mousse icing that frosts over the top generously. Picking up a fork, Juliet's mouth devours the sugary confection, while I drink some water.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I ask nervously, but her eyes lock with mine and she shakes her head.

"I'd rather talk.Buffy."

She's strange. So am I. But I don't know why. "Who are you?" I inquire, hardly realizing what I'm saying. She smiles slowly, her lips curving in a way that chills my fragile bones. She's got a mean smile. But it's beautiful, just like the rest of her.

"No one you would know." Her tone is serious, but I hear the teasing. She's mocking me. I hate that. Grabbing her arm, I force her backward, and almost snarl.

"Who the hell are you Juliet?"

Breathing hard, she giggles. "I like this."

"You like what?"

"You.hurting me." reaching up with one hand, she strokes her fingers absently through my hair and my scalp tingles with the delicious sensation. "You're so strong, Buffy. So strong."

"What are you" I ask, changing it from, 'who'. She's definitely a 'what'. I can tell, and I don't know why my senses didn't pick up on it before. I realize that she's been waiting to be really alone with me for ages, without anyone else around and this is her chance. Her hand drops and suddenly it's just above my breasts, on my collarbone. Tracing it with her finger, her eyes gaze into mine.

"Like I said.no one you would know."

"Let me in on the little secret then," I growl softly, and she laughs lightly and then kisses me.

I don't know if I saw it coming or if I should have expected it. She tastes like sugar and icing, like chocolate and vanilla and strawberry all at once. Her lips are soft and warm. For a moment I forget who I am, where I am, what I am, and kiss her. It's as delicious as a whipped cream cloud, so light and then her control snaps and she's ravenous, ravishing my mouth and grinding her pelvis against mine.

That brings me back to earth. Or wherever alternate universe I've wandered into. Pulling away, I pant and watch her chest rising and falling; "Tell me, Juliet."

Her giggle is harsh. "What do you want to know?"

"Who you are, what you are, and why you just kissed me," I tick them off on my fingers.

"I kissed you because I love you," she rasps and sits up, folding her body and resting her chin on her knees. She looks little, but still like a feral animal, and I know that she's telling the truth. It's written all over her voice, all over her skin.

~

I don't think many people have loved me in my life. Faith used to whine about how she hated how everyone thanked me, praised me and she was always second best. But she never knew that I envied her. I envied how wild she was, but at the same time, so vulnerable. She never guess how lonely it was, being as strong as I was. People expected me to take things. People wanted me to pick myself up after a fight, or a break up, and carry on. No one wanted to see me fail and I guess I just accepted that.

I wonder how she is sometimes. In that coma.

I know she loved me. She was one of the only people. My mother does, in that confused way a mother loves a child she doesn't understand. She never wanted me to be the Slayer. She wanted me to be her little girl. And although I understood that I guess I didn't want to deal with it.

Angel loves me and I regret every day that he does. I wish we had met in that ally and he hadn't been dark and fascinating. I wish I hadn't kissed him and thrown myself into the fray. I wish we had never taken that plunge over the edge. We spun close and then it all broke. It all fell and I had to pick up the pieces. As always. But maybe it all happened for a reason. Sure. That's what I like to tell myself.

~

Juliet is staring at me with her tiger-eyes and willing me to say something. What does she want? For me to say I love her back? I don't love her. She may taste like sugar and have a way of making me forget.but my heart is not in this room.

"Who are you?" I stick to the point. Maybe she'll get on with it. She stares off into space and her teeth glitter in the dim light.

"I was sent to watch you." she finally answers and I realize that's only the edge of the truth. As she gets up, her long lean body walking over to the window to look out over the ocean, I pause and collect my thoughts.

"Sent by who?"

"The Council."

I should have known. Maybe it seemed to easy, just quitting the Council. I may have told Wesley to stuff it, but I guess I couldn't get away with telling the entire board that. "Who are you?"

I want to know who she is. I don't know why and I can't even explain it. Juliet turns back, shadowed by the window, and I see how she's looking at me. "I'm Juliet. But I guess that's just one of my names. You can call me whatever you like. What do you call most vampires?"

Already I'm jumping to my feet. "You're not a vampire. I've been with you in the sun. I've never, ever seen you drink blood."

"Sit down, Buffy," she orders, and I do, albeit reluctantly. "I am a vampire. Part of the Ventrue. Have you never heard of us? We are an elite group of vampires. The upper class if you will. But I'm older than the rest. In fact, I am the oldest vampire alive."

I'm impatient, and I don't understand a word she's saying. "How old is old?"

"Four thousand years old," she replies without even a hint of pride. My heart swells. How can one being live that long and not be insane? Of course maybe she is, and I simply don't know it. "A lot of vampires.and even Watchers, do not know that after that long.one learns, certain tricks. Certain magicks.to prevent the sunlight from burning, to live a long time without blood. To keep from getting killed. And to separate from the demon within."

"Are you saying you have a soul?" I inquire, and immediately think of Angel.

She tilts her head to the side. "Not a soul in the traditional sense. But I feel pain when I kill. Regret, and remorse. Many new vampires just birthed cannot understand this. But the old ones, we know.the demon does not control us. We can control it. It is possible."

"Why don't most vampires know this?" I ask, my mind whirling. With all my knowledge of vampires, and with the walking encyclopedia that is Giles beside me, I suppose I thought I knew everything there is to know. "And what do you mean.how long can you stay in the sunlight?"

"It hurts," she says quietly and her lithe body spins away to stare out at the ocean once more. "You know.the feeling after you've been in the sea for a long while. The salt begins to chafe your flesh? The sunlight feels like salt after some time in it. But it is not unendurable." She pauses and her voice is like silk. "Most vampires.when they are first born into this uneducated time.have no idea of the possibilities. All they can think of is this new found thirst. They take no time.to overcome the need to kill."

"I don't get it though.how can you distance yourself? I thought the demon took over and it was like, 'poof!' remorse gone."

"That's not true. Of course it is very easy to slip into the evil nature that the demon infects us with. But it's not impossible, with a lot of training, to get back human qualities. I have done it."

"So.you work for the Council?" I ask her, and she shakes her black head.

"Not all the time. But I will perform special tasks for them. It can be useful to have the Council on my side. I have been brought to you for a very important reason and it is imperative that you listen to me."

"Hmm." I pretend to consider that. "I think not. Quitting the Council meant that my dealings with them were over. I don't want back in and I'm not. What they did-"

"You mean with Angel," Juliet nods and I gape at her, astonished.

"How do you know about Angel?"

She grins very slowly and a spark heats in my blood. Somehow I just know. It's the animal part of me. That wants to protect what's mine. "You know Angel don't you?"

"Well, you could say that," she drawls and I know a sudden urge to scratch her beautiful golden eyes right out of her head. "Rather I know Angelus. We were lovers briefly."

"What about Darla?" I choke on the words, remembering the sleek blonde that Angel killed for me. His Sire.

Juliet stares at me for a moment and appears to be considering what she says next. "I was a lover of Darla's as well."

Oh. That makes me feel sick. Both of them. She fucked both of them. What is going on here? IS that why I kissed her? Because some part of me recognized that she had little bits of Angel inside her? No. I know it was more than that. "Why do you say you love me?"

I can't help asking. I have to know. She drifts over to the bed. "Because I do." It's a simple answer. But she continues. "I have studied you, Buffy Summers, since you were first called. And I fell in love with you. You are a pure fighter, and the most powerful Slayer I have ever encountered. Do you not realize how much potential there is within you? Your fullest peak has not even been attempted as of yet. There is so much for you to learn." Her breathing is soft. "You are a Kindred."

"No!" I stand up and look down at her. "I'm not one of you?"

"Are you not?" she wonders and her voice is like a river flowing over rocks. Dropping the subject, she says, "I have come because there is much the Council needs from you. You are on the edge of a breakdown, do you not see that?"

"I see it," I admit, and rub my eyes. "But I don't see what the Council has to do with it."

"The Council would not help Angelus because I asked them to," she comments and my gaze clouds over with rage.

"WHAT?" I shout and grab her hair, yanking her over to me. "He COULD HAVE DIED! You fucking BITCH! HOW could you DO THAT?"

I don't care that I'm screaming, or that I'm pulling her hair so hard my knuckles ache. She deserves this. She was reckless with Angel's life, and that is something I cannot let pass. EVER. "Listen to me," she cries over my yelling and I try to be deaf to her. "I only did it to prove how strong your bond was! I wanted to see how far you would go.to save him! We were standing by.ready to give him the cure he needed.the Council would never have let him die."

I let go of her, and she stumbles away, her hair in disarray but her face calm. "What do you mean? They wanted him to die.they never liked him."

"Well, like really has nothing to do with it, Childe," she murmurs and straightens the black locks on her head with pale fingers. "They may not like Angelus but they know he is important to the survival of this planet. As are you, darling."

I don't even register her pet names. My brain is a jumbled mess. "I'm important to the survival of this planet? I don't understand.and Angel is as well?"

"Yes, you two are imperative. You see, you were always fated to meet. Not to fall in love however. It seems you did that all yourselves. The Council never foresaw that. Slayers before you have never disobeyed them, never had friends and never fell in love. But you.Buffy." she looks almost in awe of me and I blush suddenly. "You broke each and every rule. First off was falling for Angelus. You and he are the warriors. The key warriors for this planet."

"Are we supposed to fight together?"

"Yes. But the fact that you two fell in love and didn't stay together.that puts a thorn in the side of the Council. In the End of Days fight, you are fated to fight together and win. Your Watcher does not even know this. Only the most higher ups know it. But you and Angel have failed, letting basic human weakness get in the way."

"We can't help it," I tell her tightly. "We love each other."

"I know this," she answers and for a moment I could swear I see pain in her eyes. "I must go."

"What do you mean?" I cry, stunned. "I have to know more.like when is the fight? What will happen to me and Angel? You have to tell me, Juliet!"

She smiles sadly and shakes her head. "I must check in with the Council before I tell you anymore. And it is no use grabbing me and trying to hurt me. I cannot be forced, Childe. Wait, have patience. I will talk to you soon."

~

I'm lost. Its hours later and I'm sitting on my beach, my feet barely touching the water. Everything she told me seems unreal. Seems like it's a dream.

Every pore revolts against the fact that Angel and I were fated to meet but not fall in love. I always thought it was destined. What we had. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe this dream of 'meant to be' is foolish. I guess I simply believed we would work it out.

Juliet remains a mystery to me. I have been going over everything she said to me, in that silky voice of hers, about her life and love for me, and her plans, and the Council's plans.and I feel as if that is just the tip of the iceberg. Why wouldn't they just contact me directly? Am I messing with forces more powerful than even I realize here?

"Hey," he says, stepping from the shadows like he always does and sitting beside me. "What do you have to tell me? You sounded so strange over the phone."

It's too much. His soft voice. The sight of him, all milky skin and dark eyes. It's too much. My stomach hurts and my face cracks and I start to weep. Startled, he draws me into his arms and I tell him everything in a choked and sobbing tone. His surprise is not minimal and he rocks me gently, his shocked body recovering from all the news I have poured into it.

It is his turn to hold me. Later we will talk. But now I have to sleep.

Part Five

I wake up to the sound of the ocean lapping gently on the shore. My face is pillowed by something velvety and soft. It takes me a second to realize it is Angel's shirt. I am lying sprawled across his broad chest, as he sleeps, and I look up, watching the way his eyelashes blanket his pale cheeks.

"Hey," he murmurs and I glance up at the sky. It's as black as pitch. We can't have been asleep long. Sitting up, I brush the sand off my hair and face him. He's drowsy and rumpled. It makes me want to kiss him but I know we have to talk.

"So," he begins in a hesitant tone, "A lot of new information tonight."

"You can say that again," I agree and brush the hair out of my face.

"So Juliet didn't tell you anymore than you told me?" he inquired, obviously attempting to assemble his thoughts.

I shake my head and then say, "When did you know her?"

"1875," he responds. "Darla and I were in London. She's part of the Ventrue. That's an elite group of vampires.they often mix with the upper classes. During a ball somewhere we encountered her.and she.well, Angelus was taken with her."

I swallow and don't look at him. "How long were you.lovers?"

"A year," he said. "She was involved with Darla longer. Angelus tired of her, but Darla never did." He paused and a strange smile touched his mouth. Full of sadness, regret. "I think Darla loved her.but I took her away. I didn't want her with anyone for a long time."

My throat is sticky, as if I've drank cough syrup. "Angel.did you.love Darla?"

He doesn't answer for a moment. "She was my Sire. My blood. She made me. The demon loved her. The man never did."

"Oh." I feel stupid and mean for asking. Really, it isn't my business. He killed her for me, that should be enough. Why isn't it? I just feel as if I can't compete with someone whose blood runs through his veins. Then I remember that my blood runs through his veins as well. Absently, I finger the tough flesh at the base of my neck. His eyes follow the movement. His mark. On my neck. It burns suddenly and I drop my hand, not wanting to be reminded of his possession.

"I think we should call Giles," he comments and I nod.

"Best course of action," I agree and then say, "Angel, what about this thing.that we have to fight in the End of Days together? What are we going to do?"

"We fight," he replies gently. Too gently. I want to scream but instead I keep absolutely still.

"Should we trust anything the Council says? I pretty much told them where to go when they wouldn't-"

"When they wouldn't cure me," he finishes and looks down.

~

I still remember the burning rage I felt then. When Wesley told me they wouldn't help Angel. I knew I was finished with them. Forever. It didn't matter what they did. Anyone who wouldn't help Angel could go to hell. I knew it. I wondered later how rational that was. Swearing off the Watchers because they wouldn't help my lover. I suppose I couldn't expect them to.

Everyone thought I was going to give up on him. They thought the look in my eyes meant I was going to let him drift away. Yeah, right. That's when it hit me that they don't know me at all. Angel knew. That's why his eyes were wild and he was trying to run away. He knew that I would stop at nothing. That I was always a fighter.

He bit me because I made him. But I think he wanted to. He was going to leave and he wanted me. Wanted one last touch, one last breath, one last kiss. So he gave me it. The last Goodbye. A Goodnight kiss. He drank from me, sucked all the blood from my neck, let it fill his mouth, hot and salty sweet. He fell on top of me and let me feel his full weight, pressing me into the cold stone of the floor. Let me feel his cool chest, his hard stomach, his hot thighs gripping mine. He gave me all but the final possession. And I gave him what he had always wanted. My blood.

~

"They are probably hiding things," he remarks, leaning back, his hands running through the soft white sand beneath us.

I stare out at the ocean and wonder how far I could swim to escape him. How much would it take? How much distance would I have to cover before he wouldn't mean anything anymore?

How much time has to pass?

How much longer can I be with him but not really *with* him?

"Well they are the Council," I say wryly and he nods, half-smiling. "Evil is their middle name."

I play with a piece of dried out seaweed and my eyes glance up at the stars. They aren't shadowed by the smog out here, and they twinkle in the bowl of night.

~

When I was little I didn't know what the stars were. But I made up things. I would think, maybe they were other planets where people lived, and it was light all day long. Or maybe they were diamonds that we couldn't get to. When I got older and I knew they were burning balls of gas, it struck me as disappointing. Couldn't they be jewels on a crown? Couldn't they be something prettier.something.magical?

I know there are people who feel the call of the stars, and I never have understood them. I guess I figure there's so much trouble already on earth that we shouldn't worry about what's outside it for now. Sure, later, when we've fixed things. But until then.no space walking.

Besides, why would we want to disturb the stars?

~

"Do you think Giles should go to England and ask them what's the what?" I inquire and Angel shakes his head emphatically.

"We should wait and see what Juliet has to say first. She may have other information for you. We don't even know if she's telling the entire truth."

"I know. I don't think she is," I admit and stand up, brushing the sand off my bare legs. He stands up gracefully, his eyes confused and sad.

"You're not leaving are you?"

Oh no. This is starting again. I remember this. It used to happen when he got back from Hell. I would go and pretend to be helping him get his strength back. We would chat and be all friends-like and inside we were both burning. When I would decide to go, he'd get this look in his eyes.this 'must you go?' look. It made my stomach bottom out every time, and it hasn't changed.

"I have to." and I'm telling the truth. It's not because of my father or anything. I don't trust me around him anymore. My skin is alternately hot and cold, and so itchy and restless. It's making a shout well in my throat. What I wouldn't give to be his girlfriend again. It sounds juvenile, and simple, but that's why I want it. I want to be a normal girl and a normal guy. Meeting on the beach to kiss and make love in the moonlight. To be a couple that has everything. That kiss and pretend they own the stars.

"Buffy." he reaches out and his fingers encircle mine. I bite my lip hard and feel the trickle of blood just as he sees it.

Shuddering slightly, his head bends down. I know what's coming and I know I should stop him, but God, I don't want to. His tongue flicks out and he's licking the drop of red blood on my lip. My body is trembling, and I feel a rush between my hot thighs, pressing closer to him as he takes my mouth. Crushing it beneath his, and kissing me with a searing passion that drowns me with its ferocity. Oh, this is Angel, and I need him.

Wrapping my leg around his, I curve my body into his, and feel the hard pressure on my stomach, his lips and groaning sounds and panting breaths and cool flesh.I'm making whimpering noises that even I don't recognize, trying to get closer and closer to him. Trying to get inside him. His tears scald my cheeks as he kisses my forehead, my eyes, my hair, my neck.murmuring over and over like a litany, "Buffy.my Buffy.Buffy."

This is heaven and hell all at once. I just need to be a part of him. I need part of him. I need this. This moment.is all that I want. Being taken over, and devoured, by my love, my life. My Angel. God.I want to drink him.I want him to bite me and take me, and own me. This is crazy.crazy.crazy.

Suddenly I'm struggling. I can see the edge and we're so close. We're spinning out of control. As my foot catches on something, we fall and we're in the ocean. A wave crashes and it's in my mouth and nose, a salty gush of seawater. Choking. I'm choking. Angel's desperate as he pulls me from the waves and claps my back, making me cough and pant.

My chest hurts. He's holding me. I can still feel the water gargling around in my lungs. Maybe it'll drown me. Maybe.

~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Merry Christmas chica
Date: Dec 24th 1999

Hey Buff,

Merriest of Christmases to you, old buddy. How are things in LA? Sunny here as usual. It's the Eve of the big day and I'm preparing for my annual "avoid my family" party. I figure Anya and I will do something. Not sure yet.

Guess you must have heard about the extreme silence thing that happened here. Not of the good, let me tell you. It hardly even made the news which I was a little upset about. I guess so many weird things happen here that it's just par for the course. I tell ya, Spike is starting to get on my nerves. I have him tied to a chair in my room and he won't shut up at night. He's here right now. Sleeping, the little shit. Seriously Buff, he's got to go.

How is everyone up there? You didn't mention your friends in your last e-mail. Hope everything's cool. So you're seeing Dead Boy again.strictly on a friendly basis I hope. Don't worry, I'll shut up now. I just worry about you, Buff. Don't want you getting hurt again.

Xander

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey!
Date: December 24th 1999

Buffy,

Hey, I miss you so much. Since it's the holiday season. I know I'm Jewish and we don't even really celebrate Christmas together, but I guess it's the whole.festivy thing. It's got me all mushy and missing my Buffy.

How are things? It must be strange having Angel around again huh? But like old times as well. I can't believe Cordy's actually working for him. It must be weird seeing her there. Is the big movie career not panning out? Ok, that was bitchy. I'll stop now.

This'll be short cause I'm running late for a coffee date with Tara.

I promised I wasn't going to mention him. But Oz. It's Christmas, no card. I wonder where he is sometimes.

W

~

Christmas was never really a happy time in my hours when I was little. But my favourite thing to do was decorate the tree. Place the little angels and stars and kids on sleighs on every perfect branch till each one was kissed with a special something. It was always my job. My Dad doesn't have a tree.

It's around midnight Christmas Eve. I haven't seen Juliet in days and she's made no effort to contact me. It almost seems like I dreamed her up now.

It's cool outside. The heat wave is over and I'm wearing a big fluffy sweater. I love warm clothes and I so rarely get to wear them. When I get older I'm moving somewhere cold. Where it snows and everything is white and new.

It's coming on Christmas, they're cutting down the trees
Putting up reindeer singing songs of joy and peace
Wish I had a river I could skate away on

This song makes me cry. I think it does everybody.

It's so cold in here. My Dad has no heating. I want to get away.

~

Angel Investigations appears deserted. But I walk up the stairs and open the office door. I assume Cordy has gone home. The elevator door is there and I go down, wondering what exactly I'm doing. I know I can't leave him alone on Christmas. Or, rather, I can't not be with him on Christmas.

Lifting my fist to the door, I knock and wait. It doesn't take long. He comes to the door, his shirt rumpled, his hair messy, his eyes bleary from sleep and tears. Without evening thinking, I go up on my tiptoes and kiss him. It's sweet. Sweeter than ice cream, or sugar, or strawberries. Sweeter than sunshine.

His arms are around me and we sink into each other, tasting, breathing. I've hungered for this, needed this for so long. Tears are streaming down my face, and his, but we ignore them as he carries me inside and kicks the door shut. "What made you come?" he asks and I curl against his chest, pressing my face where his heart should be.

"I couldn't let you spend Christmas alone," I answer quietly, and he drops a kiss on top of my head, walking through to his living room. We sink down onto the plush couch, and I burrow into his embrace, feeling him press his forehead against mine.

"Merry Christmas, Buffy."

I smile. The time will come soon when this peace won't be possible. But for now I kiss him softly, with great tenderness and care. "Merry Christmas Angel."

Part Six

Class is boring. Whoever invented Psychology should be taken out and shot. Well, maybe just put in jail. At least it's a little cooler in here so my body doesn't feel like it's roasting.

I hate coming back to school after Christmas. I always did. It's a new year. 2000. Woo hoo. Who cares? Y2K didn't happen. Not that I thought it would. Neither did my father, he didn't even buy any extra canned goods.

Oh yay. The bell, thank God.

I stand up and grab my black bag, hauling my books along with me as I exit the classroom. Oh.there's Juliet. She's standing by a water fountain, her sleek golden outfit way too dressy for school. Her hair looks like a black whip of silk along her shoulders. I'm nervous and I know this because my stomach is hollowing out. It always does that. It's an annoying sensation. Maybe because I hate being uncertain.

Fuck this. I walk towards her purposefully and our eyes meet. "Hi," I say in greeting. She nods and touches my arm.

"We should go somewhere. Talk."

I shrug and we start walking. We end up on the bleachers in the gym. It's empty, which is a miracle. Sitting there, the rubber band and shiny wax smell of the gymnasium starting to get to me, I ask her, "Have you talked to the Council?"

She smiles lazily. "Yes, I have. They're angry."

"Oh yeah?" I know my tone is belligerent but I don't care. "About what? That you spilled your guts to the Slayer they can't control?"

She points at me. "You see there? You hit the nail right on the head. The Council has always been angry that they can't control you Buffy. They never could. Slayers have always been pretty docile, except while fighting. I guess you were sort of a mistake."

"Oh." That takes the wind out of my proverbial sails. It's like being told you weren't supposed to be born. That the condom broke and your parents didn't mean to have you. "Why is it so important to control me anyway? I slay, I do the duty."

"Because." she appears to be choosing her next words carefully. "Slayers are not.they need direction, Buffy, or things could happen."

"What kinds of things?" this is starting to freak me out.

She doesn't seem to hear me and looks up the high ceiling of the gym, her eyes far away. "Do you know that Slayers are almost as old as I am? The first Slayer came into being three thousand five hundred years ago.your ancestors are some of the greatest warriors the world has ever known." Her gold animal eyes lock onto me. "Did you know that?"

I'm faltering, and my belly is tingling. She's frightening. She's too old. I can't do this. "Well I know that.we're an old type of job."

"No." she says, and holds up her hand. "IS that what you think it is? A job?" she laughs quietly. "Oh, the Watchers really tell you nothing. You are the Slayer, Buffy Summers. That's what you are."

"What I am?" I repeat.

"You're a Slayer. You have something inside you.you're not human, Buffy."

Oh my God. What is she telling me? WHAT IS SHE SAYING? "What?" I cry and my bones feel like they've been snapped. "WHAT? I am human! What are you talking about? This is just a duty thing.I can cast it away whenever I feel like it! Oh MY GOD.."

She touches my hand and her fingers slide over my skin in a caress as old as time itself. I'm drawn to her in spite of myself. "Don't worry.you are partly human.but like a vampire, like what you have been trained to kill.you have something in you.a different thing."

"NO. NO," I'm protesting, but it doesn't sound like my voice. It sounds like a trapped and caged animal. "What are you saying? That I'm not human.that I'm not a girl? WHY THE HELL hasn't anyone told me before?"

"Your Ex-Watcher, Rupert Giles.he doesn't not know. Only the hierarchy in the Council are aware of the full story. It is important to remember that you were born of a human, Buffy. But.you are not entirely human yourself. That is all. I don't think that you understand. It's not a demon that lives within you. It's a warrior. A warrior's strength. A warrior's heart."

"What's the difference between a warrior and a demon?" I ask bitterly, and my tongue tastes metallic. I realize I've bitten my lip and the blood is seeping between my teeth. I'm not sure I understand what she's telling me. It's all jumbled. How can I not be human? Of course I knew that I had the sacred duty shit, but I thought.well, that maybe it was just a job with some perks. Like dental insurance at most jobs. Except I get super strength.

"A lot," she informs me and then sweeps her finger along my broken lip. Bringing it to her mouth, she sucks away my blood. I watch her, and my belly tightens. "You were chosen to fight evil. It's an admirable job.the oldest in existence."

"I never wanted it," I snap and stand up, my knees shaking. This isn't happening. I don't want to believe it. "I have to go."

"Of course.you're confused," she purrs and I hate her. "I'll see you later."

I can't even answer, my throat is so choked. I have to see him. My skin is hungry for him already. I need him to make sense of this, to hold me and murmur to me. Nothing else will do.

~

"Calm down."

He's too gentle. Oh God.

Angel's taking me into the kitchen, pouring a cup of tea and forcing me to drink it. I almost gag on all the sugar that he's put into the hot liquid, but it makes my head feel clearer. Maybe I was in shock. Rubbing my back for a moment, he then sits me down on the table and stands in front of me, his hands on my face. His fingers are cool and familiar.

He doesn't press me to tell him anything. God, I love him.

~

I remember when he left me. When he turned his back. That was the only thought in my head. I love him. I love him. I love him.

Maybe I thought he would hear me. I thought I was screaming it loud enough. But he spun away, and my head felt like it was caving in. My chest was rising and falling but I had ceased breathing. My lips felt chapped and I licked them.wanting to fall down and sob against the pavement. My stomach hurt and I thought I might throw up. Later I did. But not then.

The mist started to obscure him, and for one wild moment I thought I forgot what he looked like. I couldn't picture his face in my mind, and I knew it had started. Our break up. Everything was blurry. Nothing was making sense, and the screech of the sirens and the flashing red lights all shot down on me. Bloody stars hung in the sky and I watched his black coat covered back retreat, his body not a part of my world anymore. Maybe that's what hurt the most. That I didn't have the right to run after him, because he didn't belong to me.

~

I wonder if he belongs to me now. He's holding the cup to my lips, and the hot tea is swirling down my parched throat. I want to throw myself in his arms and press my face against his cool neck. I want to crush him to me. I need to be enveloped in the only thing I know that is real anymore. But I just sit there, my flesh literally aching with frustration.

"I don't." I can hear myself starting to talk, and my voice is scratchy. I don't want to even hear this story again. I'm so empty. "I don't know.what to tell you."

"Shushhh." he murmurs and his thumbs caress my cheeks. They outline the hollows in them and his eyes lock with mine.

Suddenly I feel my head come up and I'm kissing him. It's a painful kiss, swollen with tears, my lips hurt and feel like they're burning. But he's groaning with combined love, lust, sorrow and he's kissing me back, his hands in my hair.

"Please." I whisper and he drops his mouth and it's a searing brand on my neck as I unbutton his shirt and I press myself into him, trying to get as close as I can to his bare chest.

I lie back on the table and my hair drips over the edge like blonde flames as he lowers himself desperately over me, removing my shirt and pants and shoes, his hands seeking out my skin like it's the finest silk. We're kissing with barely restrained hunger, and I can feel the tears on my cheeks. Why am I crying? His mouth is a rasp against mine, and he's whispering, "Buffy.Buffy." over and over again like a lament.

This is Angel and I love him. God, I love him.

I don't care that I may not be human. I feel like a girl in his arms. I feel alive and full of hungry emotions that threaten to eat me alive. Holding him to me as his lips find my breasts, I can feel myself soaring. He opens my legs and everything is rushing. The ceiling looks so far away and all the blood is in my head as it hangs off the edge of the table.

I can't see anything, all I can do is feel as he murmurs that he loves me, and it sounds like it hurts him to say it. All of a sudden he's inside me and I'm splitting in two, everything breaking. The edge is so near.I'm spinning, spinning, spinning, and my eyes close tight. My bones feel about to snap as he moves, and I'm so full. Nothing is empty. Oh God.

His skin is all over me as I open my legs wider and feel the hot flood and myself squeezing around him, and it's so good that I want to weep and I realize I am. He's kissing my neck, shuddering and my head feels like it's going to explode.

How can one thing be so good? How can one person make me feel this way? Like I'm shattering into tiny little pieces and coming together all at once?

He picks me up and I feel light headed as we enter the heady darkness of his bedroom. Laying me out onto the bed, he pulls me into his strong arms and I feel his lips caress my sweaty forehead. He's tender and he can't stop touching me. "Angel.your soul." I murmur but his mouth continues to soothe me.

"Don't worry."

And I know he means he didn't achieve true happiness. It wasn't about that. It was about making me feel complete and alive again, and for that I thank him. Curling against him under the soft duvet, his skin is a welcome relief from the hard kitchen table where I achieved momentary forgetfulness but where I know, he did not.

I don't want to sleep, but I'm so drowsy and replete, I can't keep my eyes open. My thighs are welcomingly sore and I shift them, my insides content. I think I feel his kiss on my tear stained cheek. "Sleep, love."

~

I dream of a desert and it scares me. I'm dressed in robes of white that are untouched by the hot sand. Everything is red and dry, but my hair and face are pristine and golden. Demons come at me from all directions, but I silence them with a blow, or a stare. They fear me and bow down.

I'm not human.

~

When I awaken, it's night. I know it in my bones. Angel's eyes are open and he's staring down at me. For a second, I wonder.Angelus? And it's terrifying, but then our gazes meet and I know it's my love. No one looks at me like that but Angel.

"Hey," he whispers and I smile slightly, moving closer into his embrace.

"Hey," I answer and he drops a kiss on my forehead. "We should talk."

"I know," he sighs and then says thoughtfully, "What was the matter earlier? I got the feeling something big was happening."

"Something way big," I agree and trace the lines of his chest. "I'm starved. Can we eat? Well.can I eat? Wait.do you even have food in this place?"

He blushes. "I bought food the other day.cause.you know."

That makes me smile. He bought food for me? Oh God.this is too perfect. Well, on my scale of perfect that is. "Ok.eating time then."

He makes me spaghetti. He's a good cook and as I munch on the noodles and creamy tomato sauce, I tell him what Juliet told me. The shock has worn away and now a sort of dull realization has sunk in. Afterwards, he holds me close and doesn't say anything.

I wonder if he's afraid of me now. I wonder if he knew along.

And I wonder what's going to happen. There's no going back now. He's been inside me again, and he's buying groceries for me.we belong to each other once more.

I know he's more afraid of that than anything else.

Part Seven

A sour taste in my mouth wakes me up. Daylight hits my face, streaking it golden and as I'm squinting, I hear my Dad moving around, getting ready for work. Isn't that all he does? I've barely had a conversation with him while living here. The covers are warm and I don't even think of getting up at the moment. Class starts in about an hour, and there's no way I'd be able to make it.

My mouth tastes like spaghetti and then I remember.last night, eating with Angel, telling him all.making love to him on that hard kitchen table with the ceiling rushing down on me. I want to smack myself for being so reckless, for letting him come inside me just so I could feel full. Things could have happened.bad things and it would've been all my fault.

~

I used to think everything was my fault. When someone died in Sunnydale I would think, "I should've been here in time". That's the story of my life. I should've done this, and I should've been here.blah blah blah. I used to wonder if Angel leaving me was my fault. Back in the summer, I would sit down on my bed and think of reasons why he left me.maybe I wasn't strong enough to deal with the relationship, maybe I was too young for him, maybe I just couldn't understand, maybe he felt completely guilty around me for all the things he'd done, maybe, maybe, maybe.

When my parents divorced it was my fault. I was a troublemaker (silly me, trying to save my classmates from vampires) and my Dad couldn't deal so he completely split. Yeah, so they fought a lot, but I just know.when it comes down to it.I was that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

~

The shower water pounds over my back and runs between my legs in a hot gush. It's sore there, and I remember for one breathless second what it was like to feel him filling me, and to be suspended over that table with the side of it digging into my back.and my head starts to hurt because it is reminded of the way all the blood rushed to my temples and made me light headed.

Washing my hair with rose shampoo is reassuring, as is smoothing scented body wash with a loofah over my tight and aching flesh. My skin is burning. And I know it wants something. Maybe it wants to eat me. The water feels alive as it rushes over me and I lift my face, letting it fill my open mouth. I wish it would drown me and take away this confusion. My eyes sting and I realize they're getting hit by the hot water so I turn it off and stand shivering in the tub for a moment. Goosebumps appear on my skin but I don't reach for a towel.

~

I don't go to class. Instead I buy a bottle of water and some yogurt and sit on the quad, the sun slanting over me and blanketing me with sweat. The blue, blue sky looks a little too bright and it's making my eyes water. I knew she would come, and here she is, in a black cat suit that almost makes me laugh.

"Buffy," she greets me with that contented purr which always infects her voice. It makes me want to slap her, and I don't look up.

"Juliet."

Lowering herself onto the grass, I notice the way her pale flesh glistens slightly in the sunshine. "How do you do it?" I inquire, and I'm genuinely curious.

She smiles slowly, and grabs my water, her lips closing over it as she gulps down a refreshing sip. "I told you.it burns, but I can bear it."

"Really?" I murmur, and wonder what it feels like. Maybe like someone is rubbing salt in an open wound? That thought makes my stomach roll and taking a bite of yogurt doesn't help. The creamy texture rolls down my tongue and I detect the faintest hint of blueberry. "So.I need answers here, Julie."

Her teeth are sharp and white as she grins at me. "So do I. So does everyone, Buffy.and I can't give you all those answers you want. Not yet. The Council doesn't permit me to."

"Fuck the Council," I say succinctly and grab her arm, forcing her towards me. "I want to know what the hell is going on.cause you know, I have never trusted the Council before and I don't think I'm gonna start now. I'm the Slayer here.member.I could probably kill you in two seconds flat."

"I don't think so," she says softly, without her usual drawl. "I love you.you couldn't kill me."

Her throat moves as she swallows and it makes me want to kiss her. I don't know why and it scares me so much that I can't breathe for a moment. "I don't believe you.you don't even know me, how could you love me?"

She giggles and sounds like a girl instead of a four thousand year old demon. "Why does someone love another person? I just do.Buffy."

The way she says my name is different than others who say it. My mother always sounds faintly confused and exasperated, the way a mother would say your name when she doesn't understand you. My Dad hardly ever does, and when he does, it's in a reprimanding fashion that makes me bristle. I love him, but he's not one for the big emotion. My friends say it like I'm their hero. Like, "Oh thank God, BUFFY's here. She'll fix everything".

And Angel.he says my name like it's an end to itself. Like it's all he wants to utter for the rest of his life.softly, like a lament.Buffy.Buffy.Buffy.he murmured it against me when he was inside me the other night.his voice throbbed with pain and tears and anguish. It made me want to scream because I couldn't fathom how one person could put so much feeling, pour so much *worth* into me.me, Buffy Summers. I'm no one really. And I've never understood why he felt so strongly.

Juliet says my name and it makes my skin crawl. It also makes me want to draw her towards me and taste it on her lips.

I thrust her away from me and she licks her mouth, gazing at me. "Okay.what can you tell me?" I finally sigh.

She takes a bite of my yogurt and looks at the sky pensively, finally answering, "There isn't much else, really. Look, you have a specific destiny, Buffy. Everyone on earth does. It's the order of things. Everyone has something they are meant to do. You were born to save the world, and so was Angel."

"So he was supposed to become a vampire?" I ask, my head whirling.

"Yes," she nods and tilts her raven head to the side. "Meeting Darla.that was his fate. He was also destined to feed off the gypsy and be cursed.however, as far as the Council tells me, he was fated to meet you, but not to fall in love with you."

My chest hurts. I press my hand against my heart and swallow. "I know this. Can we cut to the chase please?"

She doesn't scowl like most people would, just leans back and rubs the bare skin of her arms. "Of course. You and he, as I told you, are fated to fight in the End of Days and win, thereby saving the planet. When this happens, he will be granted what he wants most.his redemption."

"Redemption?" I repeat slowly, not sure what she means.

"His humanity."

Oh My God.

I don't know what to say. It feels like a clamp has tightened around my throat. I'm so full of happiness and confusion and sadness all at once. "Does Angel know?" I finally choke out and she shakes her head.

"No," she replies and then continues, "After the fight, as I said, he will have his humanity the world will be saved."

"What'll happen to me?" I inquire, suddenly realizing she has never said. She looks at me. I know.

"WHAT?"

"As I said.you beat them.you win. But.you see."

Are those tears I see glimmering in her eyes? Oh God, oh God.my stomach is rolling and I feel bitter bile well in my throat. It's black, just like my fate. I can feel it. "Tell me Juliet."

"I'm sorry, Buffy," she murmurs and I stand up, shouting at her.

"NO! You know what? I DON'T GIVE a FUCK for what the FUCKING Council says! I don't care." I'm crying, and the salt burns my cheeks, already reddened by the sun. "I'm not gonna die." I can feel myself faltering, and my voice getting soft. No. No. This isn't happening. "No.I'm too young. I'm not going to die."

She just looks at me as I start to whisper, "Angel becomes human so we can finally be together and I.die? Wow. Gotta love the irony there."

If I don't laugh I'll start crying again. Wiping my cheeks, I feel hysterical giggles welling in my throat. "I have to go.seriously, give the Council my best."

"Wait, Buffy." she says softly, but I don't listen, cause I'm afraid I'm going to throw up. My skin hurts and I jump on the bus, heading for the beach.

I find a quiet place and sit there, methodically shredding seaweed in between my trembling fingers as the green ocean roars on the shore. Maybe I should just jump in. I wonder what would happen. Angel's not around to save me this time. It's an appealing thought. The sunlight is starting to burn me, and I wonder if I'm actually a vampire, about to burst into flames. Wouldn't that be a poetic end for a vampire Slayer.

I want to end it now. How can I just sit around and wait calmly for death? How could Juliet just sit there, eating my goddamn yogurt and blab on about how I was going to die to save this planet.? I don't even want to die for this earth.it's certainly never thanked me before.

As I watch the water curl and hiss and the white foam breaks on the shore, I sift sand and think of my dream. The red desert and the demons bowing and my white gown. With a shaky hand I start to build a sandcastle.

~

When I was little I loved to build sandcastles. I would get all my pails and shovels and sit there in my shrunken bathing suit constructing moats and towers and roads. I even used to put drawbridges in using little pieces of wood. My Dad thought they were great. He'd pat me on the back and ruffle my hair. "Good work Buffy." He always said that and I would smile with my crooked baby teeth, happy that he liked my creation. My Mom always tried to dress it up with seashells.

Days at the beach with my small family were always happy for me because I loved the sun and salt and water. But I never went far out because I was afraid of the deep end. The deep end of that endless blue slate, which my mother used to laugh at. "There is no deep end, honey. Just a little drop off here and there." But I knew there was. I knew that you could swim deep and down and down and down and that it was scary and dark.

Looking at the ocean, I stand up, taking off my skirt and shirt, leaving on my bra and panties, heading out into the waves. They crash over me and it's so cool and welcoming. The salty kiss of the water touches my head as I dive down deep and touch the sand at the bottom. A crab nips my hand and I wonder if it'll start to bleed. My hair whips out behind me like a mermaid's and it's magical. Deeper and deeper I swim and feel my lungs start to expand. It's nice down here.so nice. Full of shuuush. Silence and peace. I turn over and through watery eyes stare up at the sky. It looks so far away and is bobbing and shimmering like waves. That's when I remember I'm far down on the ocean bed and I open my mouth to breathe and water fills me up so I'm not empty anymore. No more emptiness, and my eyes start to bleed as my legs contort and it all goes black.

~

Salt. Dryness. Hurts, hurts.

"Don't touch her arm.she's sunburned."

Who is that?

Oh god my head is killing me.

"Buffy?'

Angel. I know his voice and I want to say something but my throat doesn't work. It feels like I swallowed glass. And my eyelids are heavy. Oh God.I want to panic. I can't say anything.I can't move.

My eyes.so heavy.opening them slowly, I'm greeted with a harsh light and cringe; hearing Angel say, "Turn down the lights damnit."

He sounds angry, but I realize it's not at me. The lights are dimmed and he's smoothing my cheek with feather light touches. It stings, because I'm sun burned, but I don't ever want him to stop. "Angel?" I manage to croak out and he smiles at me, his eyes shining and wet.

"Hi, love. Are you all right?"

Am I? No. I don't think so. "I'm fine," I reply, my voice gravelly, and my throat parched. "Water."

He lifts a glass to my lips instantly and it slides down easy, but it stings to and I want to cry suddenly. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" he questions and sighs softly. "Oh.you're lucky.a surfer was far out and happened to look down.he spotted you, you were drifting face down, and you weren't." he pauses and swallows, "you weren't breathing. Thank God he knew CPR."

Me? Drifting face down in the sea?

And then I remember. The burn of the salt, the cool water, the ocean drowning my lungs, my eyes bleeding red, the sky.so far away.

"I remember," I reply quietly, and look around the hospital room. It's stark and white and unlike the ones I so often see on TV, it's not blanketed with flowers from well wishers. God, I hate hospitals and the sick medicine smell is getting to me already. "I want to go."

He looks startled and shakes his head. "Buffy.you can't."

"Did I ask for your permission?" I snap and don't feel bad about it. "I want to leave. NOW."

He almost smiles and then nods. "Should've known better than to argue. You're staying with me though. I can't get a hold of your father."

That sounds fine to me. I smile slightly and nod. "Ok.wait, how did you find out I was here anyway?"

He looks embarrassed and it's so Angel. That confused, deer-in-headlights look. "Oh.well, you were sort of drifting in and out of consciousness when the guy managed to get you breathing again. You kept saying my name.and I'm well known around the hospital."

Figures. "Oh. Well, good thing," is all I can force out and sit up. A wave of dizziness hits me square in the forehead and I feel nauseous. Gripping his arm, I ignore his anxious questions and focus on not feeling sick. It's a Slayer trick, and has a lot to do with meditating. It helps while I'm in a fight. "Ok.where are my clothes?"

He sends me a bit of a withering glance. "On the beach where you left them.probably washed out by the tide by now." He takes off his sweater and then hands it to me. "Put this on, love."

It envelops me and I snuggle into it. It smells like him, cool and salty and like incense and home. My hair is hard with dried sea water and my skin tingles. He lifts me from the bed and I fight the urge to vomit, pressing my face against his shoulder as he carries me out, not even bothering to sign me out. I guess he knows they would never let me out. He whispers that he'll come back and pay the bills later. It makes me want to cry. I feel like I'm his wife.

~

His bed is warm and he tells me he'll change the sheets but I don't want him to. Almost clumsily, he lays me out and covers me with the duvet and it feels better than the water did. "Angel." I whisper and he's beside me at once.

"Yes, love?"

"Were you scared when you saw me?"

He closes his eyes and I know it's a selfish question. Maybe I'm selfish. "Scared isn't the word," he finally responds and lays a hand on my face. Feeling my flinch, he gets up and comes back a moment later with a bottle of aloe vera.

Without even really thinking, I toss back the covers and remove his sweatshirt. "I'm burned all over."

Swallowing, he squeezes some onto his palm and begins to smooth it painstakingly over my face. Then his fingers rub gently down my shoulders and neck and collar bone, in between my breasts and to my belly. The gel is cool and green and my skin soaks it up, tingling ever so slightly with pain and relief. Wriggling under his sweet touch, I stare up at him, his dark eyes and pale flesh and smile. "Did I ever tell you you're the greatest boyfriend?"

I expect him to wince when I call him that, but he doesn't, just continues massaging me tenderly with the cold substance and half smiles, his gaze meeting mine. He doesn't answer, and soon he's done and my flesh feels newer.

Leaning down, he begins to press a kiss to my forehead but then seems to change his mind and his lips meet mine in a drugging, drowsy kiss. "Don't ever do that again," he murmurs.

"Do what?" I ask him and he sits back, regarding me seriously.

"Go into the ocean when I'm not there to save you," he finally answers.

I wonder if I would have let him save me this time. "I won't."

It doesn't satisfy him. He's worried, and he loves me, and I like having someone concerned about me. My head spins and I can feel the affects of the aloe working it's magic. Sleep is claiming me, and the bed is so soft and warm and it smells like my love and my life. As I feel myself begin to drift off, I think I hear him sobbing, but assume it's just a dream.

Part Eight

When I wake up I feel sticky and my skin is aching. Then I remember. The hungry ocean, Angel's soothing fingers coated in aloe vera, the quiet sobs as I drifted off to sleep.

Rubbing my forehead, I sit up and groan protestingly. My flesh is red and angry, and it stings. "Hey," Angel says softly as he comes in the room, rushing forward to help me as I sit up.

"My hair hurts," I groan inanely and he half smiles.

"I know, love. The doctor's said you were very burned.its going to take a day or two for the Slayer healing to kick in. How about a cool shower?"

That sounds scary. Oh God, water scares me now? Geez, I have to get a grip. I'm supposed to be a freakin warrior. "Ok," I reply and then realize I won't be able to do it on my own. "Can you help?"

He doesn't sigh or look annoyed. Just smiles tenderly, and nods, lifting me from the bed as carefully as he can. It kills, but I don't care. When he holds me is the only time I feel safe. Setting me down on the tiled bathroom floor, he turns on the shower and begins to adjust the temperature, making sure it's as lukewarm as possible. As I struggle with the sweater I have on, he takes over the job for me, removing it gently, and then bending down to slide my underwear down my legs.

Tears prick my eyes. I don't deserve him. He helps me into the shower. The cool water is a shock and as it hits my inflamed flesh, it makes me yelp in pain. But soon, it's coursing over me like a wonderful balm, and I lean against the wall. Angel opens the curtain a little, not looking at me. "Do you need help?"

"Could you wash my hair?" I inquire in a small voice. I hate not being able to do things for myself, but at the same time, I yearn to be taken care of. He sits me down on the side of the tub and pours some shampoo onto his palm, dipping his fingers in my hair that smells of seawater and fear. Massaging my scalp, he pours some more until his hands are consumed in a frothy lather, and my nose picks up the scent of him in the shampoo, clean and fresh.

"Angel?" I say dreamily.

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna need you to help me.I have to call a meeting with the Council."

His hands don't still, but I feel his tension. "Buffy, are you sure that's what you want to do?"

"Yes," I reply firmly, and sway backwards a little, lulled by the rhythm of his fingers. "I have to talk to them. Juliet isn't giving me the full story, I'm sure of it."

"Buffy." he trails off, hesitant. "We have to talk about what happened yesterday."

"Meaning?"

He sighs, and I know he knows I'm being deliberately obtuse. "You.going out into the ocean like that.Buffy, if that surfer hadn't been there."

"I know." But I really don't. For a moment I wonder if it would be so bad if I died. Really. And what's the big deal? Slayers aren't exactly known for their long life span. Doesn't Angel get that during any routine patrol I could bite it simply from an error in judgement? I don't think he does. For some reason, the vampire I love has never understood that my time could be over at any moment.

The truth is that he used to have me on a pedestal and I liked it up there. I was sixteen years old, and I was blonde and fresh and naďve and I never would have believed that someone like him could fall for me. Why would he? Secretly, I used to wonder if it was all a sham, that he really didn't know me. Cause if he did.wouldn't he realize that I'm flawed just like everyone else? Wouldn't he realize that I don't actually want to be a Slayer.I want to be normal? But I loved the pedestal, I felt like a Princess, I felt new. It was nice, being loved like that.someone think you're special. I never got it, but I loved it. It makes me ashamed now. To think I used to feel that way.

"Are you mad?" I ask him, and hear his strangled half-laugh, half-groan.

"Am I ever mad at you?"

"Yes," I snap back, and he begins to pour water over my head, my scalp is tingling pleasantly from his healing fingers. "Besides, you have a right to be.what I did was stupid. It was wrong."

"Buffy." he doesn't know what to say, I can tell. "I can't really talk.cause I've tried a few stupid things in my day as well."

That makes me want to laugh. "So I guess we're both part of the suicide club now, huh?"

"Yeah," he sobers. "But the difference is.you saved me. I wasn't there to save you."

Oh. Now I get what that emotion is in his voice. Guilt. He feels guilty for not being able to save me like I saved him. He feels guilty for not being there to hold my head above water. "It's not your job anymore," I remind him softly.

"Buffy, it's always going to be my job.don't you see that yet? Look at me.washing your hair.I want to look after you."

He's making me angry, which isn't good. I can't help it though. Parts of me want to laugh because I'm sitting here naked, with my ex-boyfriend, who is tendering to my salty wounds like he never left me. Parts of me want to scream, because he's talking like he never left and it makes me furious. And other parts of me want to weep because it's me now that needs saving and I'm not used to that.

"You can't have it both ways," I inform him stiffly, and my eyes open to a cascade of water as he rubs my hair, removing the shampoo slowly. "Are we together or are we not.cause seriously, this arrangement sucks."

"Sucks," he repeats in a blank tone, and stands back as I get up and rinse off the last of the soap. Turning off the water, he envelops me in a huge towel, lifting me into his arms and I realize that nothing about this sucks, because he's holding me and taking care of me and I love him all over again.

"Maybe sucks is too strong a word," I recant and look up at him as he takes me into the kitchen. "Maybe.its just.confusing?"

"Yeah, it is," he agrees and begins to make tea. Oh man, are we ever playing house. "You want to define what we are Buffy." he pauses and throws an amazingly large amount of sugar into my mug. "When we've never clearly defined it in the past. When I came to LA.I was convinced that I had made the break-"

"You were?" I had to interrupt him, before what he said cut me straight to my already fragile bones. "That quick huh? Wow, am I easy to forget."

"NO!" he cries, hastening to reassure me as he sets down the cups and I take a hasty sip, feeling the shockwave of the milky tea hit my blood stream. "It wasn't easy.and I never forgot.I just bore it. Because I had to. I knew I could never give you what you need. I guess we all have our different ways."

"Yeah." he's looking at me with those deep dark eyes and I realize now is the time to tell him about Parker. I don't want to, because it will stir up emotions that might be better laid to rest. But, still, it needs to be said. "Um.Angel.I don't know how much Spike told you."

"Buffy." he begins to protest but I silence him, laying a gentle finger over his mouth.

"Don't.it's all right. Look, after you left, I needed to forget. That's all I wanted to do. Forget you existed." I see the flash of sorrow across his face, but I plunge on, because not saying this would hurt more than saying it will. "So I jumped right back in there.with this guy. We basically hung out and then on our first date.I slept with him." His face is completely blank and his eyes are studying a point above my head. I can't even imagine what he must be feeling, but I know this needs to be let out. "It wasn't about him, at all. It was about.trying to put you out of my mind. I kept thinking, 'wow, look at me, with someone else'.'look at me, moving on', 'look at how this is not about Angel." I pause and smile wryly at myself. "That's when I knew I had to leave. I was on the edge.maybe I still am.but you have to know- I am so sorry-"

"Buffy!" he exclaims, and appears horrified. "You don't have anything to be sorry for-"

"Yes I do.for cheapening our relationship that way.God, I might as well have taken out a full-ad proclaiming that I'm on the rebound and will sleep with any guy that takes interest."

He half smiles and covers my hand with his. "No.don't think of yourself that way. Look, we weren't together then."

"Are we together now?" I ask, and feel like I should be holding my breath. His eyes flash and he looks momentarily confused and sad and in agony, and I feel my stomach cramp because I know that look.

"I can't promise anything." he says helplessly. "I can't promise you a future, Buffy.but you know I will always love you, and be here with you.to fight whatever battles need fighting."

"Ok." tears are blinding me and I can't see, and my skin hurts from being stretched across my weary bones, and it's a strain to even look in his direction. "I see." What else can I say? He groans and reaches for me, but I jerk out of reach. "No.this isn't going to be easy for you." I choke on a sob as my body rounds on him. "You can't hug me and then say there's no future.cause with us.just being in your arms.that's where I see the future.Angel."

He's weeping openly and he sighs heavily. "I can't.put you through what I did before, I can't hurt you."

I don't say anything, because what do you say to someone who doesn't understand that you don't mind the pain.as long as you're together? What do you say to someone who just doesn't get how important and beautiful and life-saving they are to you? What do you say to someone who used to be a brutal murderer in another life and now doesn't feel like they deserve to be loved?

Nothing. So that's what I say. Nothing.

~

From: R_Giles@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: (none)
Date: January 13th 2000

Hello Buffy,

I must confess to be completely confused with this entire e-mail business. But Willow has helped me get started and so I wanted to write a quick note to ask how you are getting on.

I hope your mother is well, and that your classes are interesting.

Now, as for what you told me over the phone, I am just as shocked and perplexed as you are. The Council never mentioned this prophecy to me, but I have been researching extensively and I'm quite sure I will come up with some sort of confirmation soon. As for what you mentioned about calling a meeting with them, remember, Buffy, these are ruthless individuals. Don't make them angry, and please don't antagonize them. Angel should most definitely go along with you for support.

Please call again if you have any more news, and I will keep in touch. We all miss you, Buffy, and wish you well.

Giles

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To:Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey
Date: January 15th 2000

Hey Buffy,

Well things are boring around here. As boring as they can be, I guess, on the Hellmouth. You should have seen Giles on the e-mail, all nervous and confused.too funny!

Classes are going ok, and Tara and I have been doing a lot of interesting spells. I can't wait for you to meet her, Buffy. She's just the greatest person I know. We get closer every day.

I wasn't sure.but I thought I'd mention the prophecy thing.I'm so sorry, Buffy. But I wouldn't believe a word of what that Juliet said anyway! Maybe she's lying. She could be, you know. Big LIAR! Sorry. Giles has had us in full research mode, of course, anything to help you Buffy. I hope you and Angel have been able to work things out.?

I miss you a lot and every day I think of you. Pretty sappy, huh? Well, I just was thinking back to the days at High School and realized that even with all the crap that happened.we still managed to have fun together. I need my Buffy.please come visit soon! Although, I know you're busy there with the big bad Council coming down from England. Let me know how the meeting goes!

I was thinking of Oz the other day and realized that it was the first time in a week he popped into my head. I'm not over him and I don't think I ever will be. I just wonder if he'll ever come back.

W

~

"Maybe this was a mistake."

"Calm down."

"No, seriously.this was a huge big fat mistake.forgive me? Oh God."

"Shh." Angel half smiles and rubs my arm. "Take deep slow breaths. Remember, you don't work for them, they should be working for you."

"Yeah," I look up at him with eyes that I know are huge and terrified. "But I fired them so technically I think that working relationship is over."

He's trying not to laugh, although I know he's not looking forward to facing the Council either. When I called them, they were overly anxious to come down, and that makes me nervous. Because the Council has never wanted to oblige me before. Oh, God. Nervous disgusting flutters in my stomach make me feel inadequate, not how I want face my former bosses. Damnit. I forget myself and fling myself into Angel's arms. He grasps me tight, and I breathe him in and everything fades away. I love it here, in the circle of him, with my hands gripping fistfuls of his shirt, and his arms holding me close.

"Excuse me, are we interrupting something?"

Oh, yuck. It's Quentin Travers, which I know before opening my eyes. He's got a gravely voice that sounds like he's permanently munching on some glass he won't swallow. It annoys me to no end. Pulling away from Angel hastily, I face him an regard the five or so more he has brought along. "Wow," I begin sweetly. "Thanks for the turn out. Sit down."

Quentin gives me a stern look, and an amused one. He always looks upon me like I'm some creature he doesn't understand, but which he's fairly certain he could squash like a bug. "Ms. Summers," he says slowly, and ignores Angel. "We've come as you asked."

"With bells on, I see," not able to contain myself from mocking him. "So.lets get down to business, unless you want to have some polite chit chat first?" When he says nothing, I nod. "Ok then. Juliet. Who the hell is she and why did you hire her to watch me?"

Quentin appears to consider this and then clears his throat; "We didn't."

Part Nine

"You didn't," I repeat, not understanding him. "She told me."

Quentin interrupts me with a stern glare. "And you believed her? Really, Ms. Summers, I thought you knew better than to trust a vampire."

"Okay," I'm getting annoyed again and I can feel the old Slayer fire welling up inside me. "Tell me about Juliet then. I assume you know."

He purses his lips and sits back. I really hate him. "Well.she used to work for us. Doing special jobs. But it soon became clear that she had an unhealthy fascination with you, Ms. Summers and so we told her we no longer needed her services any longer."

I don't look at Angel, although I can feel his surprise from across the room. "Then these things she's been telling me? They're not true?"

He shakes his head. "No, they are all true. You will die in the End of Days fight, from injuries suffered during."

"Okay then." I resist the urge to cry. I can feel the tears welling behind my eyelids. "What else can you tell me about her? Who is she?"

"What she says," Quentin answers. "She's the oldest vampire that exists today. She's done training, extensive training to overcome the demon within."

Quentin's not telling me anything I don't already know. "Okay then, here's what I want. I would like you to give me all the information on the End of Days. And I want everything on Juliet. How powerful she is, stuff like that. And." inspiration strikes me suddenly, "I want Angel's soul bound."

"Excuse me?" Quentin almost laughs and that makes me see red. "We will not help Angelus!"

I take a step towards him, and soon am looming over his seated figure with my hands on my hips. "Oh Quentin," I coo, and then my voice goes hard. "First of all, his name is Angel, not Angelus. Got that? Second of all. a girl has needs." I trail off and watch him flush, "and if they're not being satisfied. a frustrated Slayer is a careless Slayer. And I might not try my hardest when it comes to the End of Days.would you like that?"

He stares at me for a long moment, and then through gritted teeth, utters, "I suppose.we could bind his soul. We have the spell."

"Yay," I drawl sarcastically. "'Spose you were never going to tell me about that?"

"We weren't planning on it," Quentin says with an uplifting of his eyebrows. I think about smacking him and turn around to look at Angel.

"Can I hit him?"

Angel half smiles at me and shakes his head. "Buffy."

"Okay," I turn back and regard Quentin with steely eyes. "All right, I'd like whichever one of you who knows the stuff to do the spell. You can use the other room. And Quentin.we're going to sit down and you're going to tell me everything about Juliet."

He nods, defeated and I grin. I like being the Boss.

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Great news!
Date: January 17th 2000

Hey Buffy,

That is such great news about Angel's soul being bound! In your e-mail last night you didn't sound that happy.is everything all right with the two of you? I guess with the Council around you aren't having that much.free time?? Anyway, hope everything's going better today.and with the stuff you and Angel are hopefully doing?! Hee.

W

~

My skin is burning. For a while, I thought it had stopped when I was around him. I guess it knew it wasn't going to get anything, and it eased a little. But now, the tingle, the ache.it's unbearable.

When we used to be together back in High School I remember being hungry for him all the time. We would kiss and it was like I couldn't breathe anymore. Angel held this irresistible pull for me. When he was near, I could feel it, taste it, live it. He was all that mattered, and I think that's what got us into trouble. We *needed* to be with each other. We just couldn't not be. When we made love on that rainy night, it got worse. My flesh knew his touch, knew his mouth. I started to crave him the way an addict craves a fix. It sounds sick, and I suppose maybe I was. Sick with love, sick with longing. Sick with terror that my boyfriend would become a monster if I let him inside me.

I put up a barrier when he returned from Hell. I tried to date Scott Hope and attempted to pretend I was just helping him get better. We used to do Tai Chai. Often they fill my dreams.those times, alone at the mansion, swooping and bending like birds, our bodies were slick with sweat and yearning for each other. He wanted me so much I could smell it on him in those long drowsy hours we'd spend, training and talking, almost kissing and trying to blow it off.

And now.all I want is to be close to him. When he's not with me, or near, I literally feel like part of my body is gone. It's like a pull in my chest and belly that never goes away. I know it won't until he's wrapped in my body, until he has my kiss all over him, until I have his tongue all over me, and until he is all I can sense and smell. I need it. Oh God.I need Angel so much it consumes me.

It's been a day since his soul was bound in a long complicated spell done by a member of the Council. He's been avoiding me ever since then. I suppose it's been easy since I've been preoccupied learning about Juliet. The Council doesn't know much and it's annoying me to no end. I thought they would be like Giles, but I guess they all aren't gems.

I'm sitting in Angel Investigations, with Cordy. She's tapping away on the computer, as usual completely ignoring me and anything else that she considers below her notice.

"Cordy."

My voice is pleading, bored and despairing. She looks up and smirks. "Problems, Mary Sunshine?"

Oh, man. She irritates me. But I can't care right now, because I'm desperate for normal human interaction. "Want to go shopping?"

She raises her perfectly plucked eyebrows and shrugs. "*You* want to have some fun? Well, color me shocked!"

"C'mon Cordy," I whine and turn the full effect of my imploring green eyes on her. "I need something normal after all the Council shit. Please?"

She sighs and then grins. "Okay. I don't have any money, but I have charge cards. Let's go Hollywood, hmm?"

That makes me smile. Although she can be the most infuriating person on the face of the planet, I actually do like Cordelia. She comes through in an absolute pinch. And if Angel trusts her, I trust her. So I grab my bag, scribble a note to Angel and we head out. Ah, a day full of no responsibilities.

~

Cordy and I laugh as we enter A:I 10 hours later. It's 11 at night and I feel young for once. We shopped for hours and then went out to eat. It was amazing how with a couple of drinks in us, Cordelia and I actually found lots to talk about. My head's clearing though, which I'm grateful for. Don't want a hangover tomorrow.

As soon as I step in the door, Angel appears from the shadows, grabs me and snarls, "Where the hell have you been?"

"Wha-" I can't even talk. My whole body reels from surprise and I sway backwards. Cordy smiles gaily.

"See you two lover birds lata," she drawls with a fake accent and heads out the door once more.

Angel ignores her completely, and looks far into my eyes. "Where have you been Buffy?" he sounds breathless and I realize he was worried. I'm not sure why.

"I left a note," I say helplessly, nodding towards the desk, and then I notice the open window. "Oops.must have blown out."

He closes his eyes momentarily, and I can tell he's trying to calm down. "Buffy.please don't ever do that again.I thought maybe Juliet.or.I didn't even know."

Suddenly my temper flares. "It's not like you've been Mr. Available lately for me to talk to, Angel! I mean, it's not my fault you've been avoiding me! What did I do? That's what I'd like to know."

He drops his hands and sighs. "It's nothing you did. It's me. I don't want to hurt you again."

"Angel. Your. Soul. Is. Bound," I snap, finally losing my tenuous hold on my anger. "You're not going to hurt me again."

"Rationally I know that," he tells me, leaning against the wall. I sit down on the desk, leaning back on my elbows. "But, Buffy you have no idea how hard it's been for me, remembering what I did to you and your friends when I lost my soul. I can't get over the fear that it could happen again."

"It won't," I emphasise, and he stares at me. I can see the desire in his eyes and my stomach bottoms out as we gaze at each other. "Angel." I murmur and he comes towards me as if in a trance. His hands grip my waist gently as he lowers his head and we're kissing. I moan in grateful relief as our lips and tongues touch and I know we don't have to stop and he can lose himself in me like always.

He picks me up and I snuggle into his embrace, kissing his neck and opening his shirt as we go down in the elevator, to his bedroom. The duvet is soft and cool against my back and we're stripping off our clothes in a mad rush to feel our skin touching fully. I'm blinded to everything else but Angel.my sweet, sweet Angel, who is kissing his way down my breasts and belly reverently, worshipping each inch of my flesh. I feel everything rushing down on me and he's groaning my name and I know he's lost and it makes me happy. My hands are unsteady as I run them down his back and chest and stomach, opening my legs and kissing him and feeling him slide over me.

We're drowning in each other, kissing desperately. His arms wrap tight around me and he draws me on top and I move on him, feeling him fill me and move and it hurt but in a good way and I'm weeping soft tears, feeling his hands on my breasts. It's Angel."Angel." I cry out and he sits up, his hands on my hips as we move together and everything is blurry and hot and I can't see anything but his eyes.

"Please.I love you.Buffy.my Buffy." he moans into my neck as we explode together and I collapse on top of him, my body replete and satiated for the first time since I was seventeen years old. I feel full and complete and content. I don't care that I'm destined to die fighting the End of Days. Not right now.

My lover is holding me, and we're falling asleep together and everything is all right.

~

He wakes me with gentle kisses to my forehead and hair, and I smile, stretching. "Hi," I murmur and he kisses my lips softly.

"Hey."

"Is it morning?" I ask drowsily, and he nods.

"You're messing up my schedule. I should be going to bed right now."

"I think I can make you tired again," I tease and he laughs quietly, drawing me down to snuggle with him under the comforter.

"Buffy.about what the Council says.the End of Days fight."

"Let's not talk about that," I dismiss, my leg wrapped around his. I don't want to think about it right now. He's wonderfully cool and naked and bare and I can feel his muscles. I wish I could stay like this for the rest of my life, because this is the only place that makes sense to me.

"We have to Buffy," he replies and I lay my chin on his chest, looking into his eyes pensively.

~

We didn't talk about death much in my family. Not when I was younger. The first experience I had with it came when my Grandma Elizabeth died. I still remembered her as the lady with the vibrant skin and the laugh that sounded like music. She was the person who took me away from my parents for short holidays and ice cream. I guess those are the people that aren't allowed to live long lives. I don't know why. In the hospital, it was quiet and she didn't say much. But her eyes looked so alive I remember thinking that there must be a mistake.

Of course as I grew older death became something I was faced with every day. I am the Slayer. I kill. It's my duty, and I hate it. Of course I know that Slayers aren't known for their long life spans and I know that any time something could go wrong and I could lose my little existence. But to have it so.mapped out. To have it written down and recorded for people to mull over? It's strange and wrong. I never wanted to know *when* I was going to die. I didn't want to know.

~

"Did you know that the first person I knew that died was my Grandma Elizabeth?" I ask Angel. I told him about her once. When we were lying on his bed after a patrol, so wiped out that the normal overwhelming sexual tension was eased somewhat. The memories spilled out. But I didn't talk about her death with him. It was still too painful a subject. Even for Angel and I.

His fingers trace the lines of my arms thoughtfully. "When did she die, love?"

"When I was ten," I inform him and think of her. "I wonder what she'd say if she knew I was going to die young?"

He holds me tight and presses his lips shakily to mine. "You're not going to die. We're going to find some way around this, Buffy. I know we are."

I ignore him and stare blankly at the wall. "At least I'll get to be young and pretty, right? Isn't that what most people want?" I giggle inanely and he grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look at him.

"Stop it, Buffy. I am telling you now, I will never let you go, do you hear me? I'm not letting this happen. I don't care what I have to do."

"You can't stop destiny," I argue with him, my voice hard. "Remember the Master? The prophecies said I would die and I did. Great track record I have."

"Xander revived you," he reminds me. "You didn't die. And we're together."

"We are?" I can't help but brighten.

He sends me a withering glance and arches his eyebrow. "Well, I hope so, cause last time I checked, I was naked."

I laugh, and soon I'm crying and he hugs me close, letting me weep and sob and wail, my keening cries animal in their sorrow. He knows what I'm crying for. The fact that there might be limited mornings like this one in our future.

I want to watch the sun rise with him each day. I can't help it. Is that too much to ask for? A long life with the guy I love most? Maybe it is for a Slayer. I don't know.

Part Ten

I feel like a criminal. I'm in English and I'm sinking down in my seat as far as I can go. I haven't been here in a long time, and I've missed the last few assignments. The Professor hasn't said anything, but they never do. Cause really they don't give a you know what whether I fail. I'm paying to take their course.

It's cool in here, much to my happiness. No more heat wave, at least not inside. The guy beside me is tapping a pen on his thigh. I think he wants me to look at him. Or else he's just being irritating. I watch the teacher as she lectures. Her mouth is so red I'm blinded. It looks like Juliet's mouth. I wonder where she is. I haven't seen her in a while and I don't even know if I want to.

Angel and I didn't get any sleep last night. We made love over and over, our bodies were drenched in sweat and he kept kissing me with desperate lips, and I wanted to lose myself. It was a heady kind of escape that I've only experienced once before. That rainy night when I didn't know what was to come later. All I knew was that he loved me. He loved me enough to hold me and be inside me.

I wonder what his life will be like after I'm gone. Will he continue his quest, or will it be too hard with his humanity? Will he wander from country to country, heartbroken? Or will he marry? Will he find someone else to love, to live for, to share his existence with? My chest hurts and I shift in my seat. My leather pants suddenly feel binding, and I long to strip them off. I know I should want him to marry and find happiness. But I don't.

I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I don't. I want him to love me forever. I want him to be faithful to me.

That's selfish.

I've always been a little selfish. I like to keep what's mine. I suppose everyone does. When I was little I wanted my family to stay together. Even with my girlish eyes I could see things falling apart. Grandma Elizabeth used to tell me not to worry, that everything would work out. Now that I think back, she winked when she said it. Maybe to tell me she wasn't serious.that things have a tendency to work out in ways that we didn't want?

I remember sitting out on the balcony with her on our trip to Hawaii. She had on a silky dressing gown with a matching nightie. I thought it was glamourous, and she laughed and said she always tried to look her best. I snuggled onto her lap and she sipped a drink and we watched the stars. When I touched her cheek, she sang to me. I don't remember the song. It was slow, weepy and even as a seven year old, it stuck in my brain.

Now I look back and wonder if she was ever happy. As a girl I thought she was, because she smiled and laughed and wore bright clothes with swirling flowers that grew like a beautiful garden on the material. Because of her grin, she was pretty and looked young. She told me all the time that when I was older she was going to tell me about all the lovers she had as a teenager. I loved that word. Lovers. It sounded exotic and forbidden. It sounded like something I wasn't supposed to be hearing.

I never got to hear those stories. I wonder now who were the men who made her blush and want to kiss them. I wonder who they were. I'll never know.

~

The professor assigns something and I write it down quickly, trying to look attentive. Maybe if I bull shit enough, she'll believe that I do actually care about her class. Yeah, right.

The Council told me the other day that the End of Days could be soon, which made me shudder. I don't want it to come and yet I yearn for it. I want it to be over. This waiting is driving me crazy.

My funeral will probably be a quiet event. I don't know how my parents are going to explain my dying. Willow and Xander will lean on each other and cry and remember me the way old friends do. They love me like a sister, someone who they know inside and out. Anya will shed a tear and then ask when they can go to the reception for the food. I almost laugh at the thought and then catch myself, remembering that I'm in class.

Giles will help my mother through it, and let everyone lean on him, while he feels guilty about not being able to protect me. My mother will weep and reflect on how she never understood me and then she'll go home to an empty house. She'll pretend I just ran away again and that I'll be back someday. She'll pretend nothings wrong.

I wonder if Oz will come back to be with Willow. I hope so, because she'll need him.

Angel.

He'll be strong. I know this, because I know him and I always have. But when he's alone, he'll break and he'll want me there to hold him. But I won't be able to.

Tears are burning behind my eyelids and I blink them back, looking down fixedly at the floor. Angel will go on, because that's all he knows how to do. But he won't ever forget me. I'll be in his dreams at night.

~

It's 3:30 and class is over. I glance out the window as I gather up my things and think maybe I'll go down to the beach. I need to see the water.

As I leave, I run right into Juliet. It doesn't surprise me. She seems to turn up whenever I least want her to. "Hi," I greet her curtly and she looks faintly amused.

"Not happy to see me?"

I lean in close and whisper, "I've got a stake on me. Irritate me again and you're dust, got it?"

Take that. She looks startled and then says, "Come to the cafeteria with me. I need to talk to you. Explain some things."

I forget about the ocean with a sigh and answer, "Fine. Lead the way."

We enter the huge cafeteria and I get a milkshake because it's cold and sweet and I'm hot all over. I'm not sure why. I miss Angel. I purposely pick a table far away and in a corner so no one can over hear. I don't want to be known as "Psycho Buffy".

Sipping the ice creamy drink, I nod to her. "Talk."

She stares at me for a moment and then sits back, her black stretch top slinking over her flesh like a black cat. "Fine. Look, I know the Council has told you that I don't work for them anymore. I'm sorry for lying like that."

"Why did you?"

"Because they weren't going to tell you about the End of Days," she informs me and I had already guessed this, but it still comes as a blow.

"And you decided to warn me?" I snap, covering up my discomfort. "Why would you, Juliet?"

"I told you, I love you," she replies with a soft smile. It scares me. I actually think she's telling the truth. "I know you don't love me, Buffy, and I accept that. I never expected you to. I told you because I wanted to give you time to formulate a plan, with Angel. The future of this planet lies in your hands, you know that."

"Story of my life," I snark and take a gulp of my drink thoughtfully.

"You and Angel have to work together. All will be lost if you can't."

"I know that," I cry, and set my drink down with a grimace. "Geez, Juliet, sing me a different tune here, its getting old. What am I supposed to do? You can't fight destiny."

"No," she agrees and taps her long red nails on the table. "But you can work around it. Angel could.well, the Powers would probably give you your life back if he agreed to be a vampire again."

"Oh my God, no!" I snap at her, not even considering what she's saying. It's not going to happen. "I would rather.I would rather die a thousand times than take away Angel's dream. I want him to be human.I want him to have his redemption. He deserves it. And don't even thinking about going to Angel and mentioning this to him."

Juliet nods, and reaches for the milkshake, taking a long sweet sip and licking her lips. "Fine. Look." she hesitates and then plunges on, "I lied to you about something else. You and Angel.you are destined."

"What?" I almost choke and stare into her golden eyes. "What do you mean? You said we weren't."

"I know. I lied. I was jealous, and didn't want to even admit out loud that you two.were meant to be in every way. It's written in the prophecies. The Slayer and the souled Vampire. you two were fated to meet and love and fight and become the greatest warriors there has ever been. He was not fated to leave you, however, and because of that.you changed things."

"What things?" I ask her and she looks sad.

"History was rewritten. That is why you die, Buffy. That is why you're going to die. Because Angel left you. It's a trick of time.if he hadn't.you two would live out the happy lives you were originally slated to have."

A roar in my ears drowns out all the other noises in the cafeteria. My eyes blink and I can feel tears welling behind them. What is she saying to me? I'm going to die because of Angel? No, this can't be true. He can't ever find this out.it would destroy him. "Wha-" I can't even talk. My throat feels scratchy and the cool slide of the milkshake feels like ashes.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

"No," I whisper, but it comes out like a moan. "No.you're lying."

She's quiet and firm and I know she's telling the truth and my stomach heaves. "I'm not lying. I'm sorry. I have no reason to."

"No," I repeat, and stand up. I leave her, murmuring, "No. No."

The afternoon sunshine is hot and it burns me. I walk for hours, my feet tapping against the pavement. It's too humid to think so I just concentrate on breathing. That seems to help.

I end up at the ocean as I knew I would. It curls onto the sandy shore and looks alive. As I'm staring at it I remember the dream I had when Angel died.

How did you find me here?

If I was blind I would see you.

Will he still see me, even when I'm dead? My eyes are dry as I sink down and press my face into my hands. I don't know what I'm looking for. A safe harbour? This isn't it, I know that.

~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey, Chiquita banana

Buff,

We've been in full research mode over the prophecy thang, but nothings turning up. We'll keep looking though.

Giles looks sadder every day. I gotta say, depressing. I know you wouldn't want to talk about it, Buff. Don't worry.

Anyway, we're working hard. Hope everything's ok with you? (Besides the whole prophecy thing.)

Miss you
Xander

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Bored and bored

It's late and I'm looking up stuff on the net. Another fun night here in Sunnydale. Ugh.

Hope you're thinking of coming back soon? Nothing much is happening here. We keep seeing those military commando guys around when we sorta attempt to patrol. Surprisingly the vamps haven't been that bad. Spike says its because they know the End of Days is coming up.

How's Angel? I hope you two are better. And Cordy? She must be a pain to have around.

Oh, joy. I have to go do muchly Science homework. Who am I kidding? I love Science. A geek, yes. Shh! Don't tell anyone. Ha.

Love you lots,

W

~

As I'm sitting in the bedroom, I wonder if I should tell Angel or not. Even though it's only been since yesterday that she told me, I can't stop thinking about it. Sighing, I flop back and rub my tummy. It hurts and I remember I haven't eaten in a while.

"Hey."

I could listen to him speak forever. It's corny, but his husky voice just reaches down deep into my belly, and tugs on my heart. Sitting up, I push my messy hair away from my face and turn. He's wearing a tux. That's my first thought. My second is that he looks.painfully gorgeous.

I raise an eyebrow at him and grin. "What's going on?"

"I'm taking you out," he says softly and comes forward, grasping me lightly by the shoulders and making me stand. I gape at him and gesture to my sweats and T-shirt.

"Um.hello? Look at you.there is a lot of nice dressiness happening. But me.well.I hardly look-"

He cuts me off by handing me a dress. "I found this in one of the shopping bags in the closet. Thought it was nice." The way he says nice makes my knees literally go weak. It's a black strapless slinky affair that I bought on impulse as Cordy and I were leaving a vintage shop.

"Ok." I nod helplessly and he gives me a little push towards the bathroom.

"Be quick, love," he grins. "I have reservations."

Okay, this is a dream. But I don't care. He's taking me out? I don't remember him doing this when we were a couple before? My legs are shaking as I take off my clothes and run a quick bath, immersing myself in vanilla scented bubbles. I giggle a little and decide right then and there that I'm going to look my absolute best tonight.

Spraying vanilla perfume over my smooth flesh, I apply minimal make up, cause I know he likes that. Just some gold accents here and there and a touch of red lipstick. My hair dries silken and straight and I tie two pieces back with a clip, leaving the rest flowing down my back. As I slide the dress on, I remember that I thought it looked vampy in the store when I saw it. It's positively sinful, and I imagine Angel's face. It clings and moves with me, like a tube of silk. Perfect.

Slipping my feet into black strappy stilettos, I take a breath and exit the bathroom. He's standing by the window, looking out into the endless LA night. He's holding a pure red rose. My heart pounds as he turns and his eyes go black. He doesn't say anything for one long breathless moment. "You're perfect," he finally tells me so quietly and tenderly and I hope to God I won't cry because it'll mess up my mascara.

"You look hot yourself." My remark makes him half smile and he gives me the rose, brushing a gentle kiss to my lips and taking my hand.

We drive in his black car with the top down and its everything that I've ever wanted. The night sky winks at me as we pull into a swanky restaurant outside of the city. Lights shine in the windows and he helps me from the car.

The inside is intimate and dimly lit, perfect for a romantic evening. A dance floor in the centre holds many swaying couples and the music of the piano in the corner makes me smile. "It's beautiful," I remark to him and he grips my hand, obviously pleased with my happiness.

The maitre-d seats us and gives us menus. "When did you decide to do this?" I ask Angel curiously and he grins sheepishly.

"I've had it planned for a couple days. I wanted to surprise you. You are surprised right?"

That makes me laugh. "No.of course not. Why else was I sitting there looking disgusting in sweats and a ratty T-shirt?"

We order and the food arrives quickly. As we talk and eat, our eyes lock and burn and the music of the piano winds a seductive spell around us. I can't stop looking at him and his eyes are hungry for me. We talk about things that don't matter. Nothing about death. Nothing about war. We're just a normal couple tonight.

"Dance with me?" he asks softly.

I smile and he takes my hand, leading me onto the floor, drawing me into his strong arms. I can feel my whole body melting into his and it's sweet, so sweet. His head rests against mine as I press my cheek into his neck. The fabric of his shirt caresses my skin and he pulls me closer, until we are barely dancing, just swaying and I'm breathing heavily. This is home. This is where I belong.

"I love you," he murmurs and my mouth curves and my eyes fill.

"I love you," I respond and his hands drop to link with mine and we dance that way, lost in it, lost in each other.

~

On the way home, I sit with my head on his shoulder and play idly with his sleeve.

"Want to stop at the beach?"

"Mmm." I utter in way of a response.

The waves crash as we take off our shoes and walk hand in hand, our toes sinking into the soft white sand. I can almost forget everything else that is going on when I'm out here. At the sea's edge, with Angel by my side. I can almost forget I'm the Slayer. I can almost forget I'm destined to die in a couple of months. Almost.

Taking off, I start to run by the water and Angel laughs, following me, as my feet splash in the cold surf and my face is stroked by the warm night. I feel his arms and I turn, kissing him and unbuttoning his shirt as I push him up onto the dry sand.

He tastes salty and cool and like heaven. His arms wrap around my small body and my dress is removed with only the faintest whisper of silk. My skin is hit with the air and I feel the goose bumps appear. His eyes go dark and he leans forward to kiss my collarbone and breasts. Unbuckling his pants, I push them down his legs with ever increasing urgency. His long fingers stroke up and down my thighs and he rolls over so I'm on bottom and I feel the sand rub against ever inch of my exposed flesh. "Please." I groan and then he's inside me, hot and hard and so full that I can't breathe.

I bite my lip until I draw blood and my throat closes over as he shudders, moving within me and against me. Our only witnesses are the stars and the surf, and my legs wrap around his back, holding him as close as I can. "Angel! God.I love you."

The keening of a gull far out in the ocean drowns out my scream, and he trembles against me, kissing my lips. I can feel the salt from his tears and I wrap my hands around his head, drawing him down to cradle him against my breasts. "Shh."

Angel rests against me, his sobs finally silenced. Me, I don't sleep for a long time. I stare up at the stars and listen to the sound of the waves hitting the beach.

Part Eleven

I love training.

That is, I love training with Angel. He's holding the pads as I punch and kick and jab. I'm sweating, rivulets of salty water running down my neck and disappearing underneath the hem of my tank top. Every so often he licks his lips and I know he's imagining what it would be like to taste me right now.

I sometimes wonder why I'm training when I know what my fate is. Maybe it's just the Slayer thing. We need to keep on fighting. Or maybe I'm just in denial. That could be it.

My punches are getting harder and Angel looks worried. He can see the tears in my eyes. It seems as though I can't go a day without crying now. I feel like a wuss, but maybe that's just what happens when you know you're going to die, and very soon.

"Buffy." he takes away his hands and envelops me in his arms. I press my face against his chest. I don't want to move.

~~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To:Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: It's been a while.
Date: Feb 19th 2000

Hey Buffy,

It's been a while! I hear you're training hard, I assume with Angel. It's great that you guys have managed to work things out.

I've got something to tell you. I've been too embarrassed and confused to.but I have to, before the End of Days. Tara.well, she's my girlfriend. Does that freak you out? Please say it doesn't. Seriously, I've been so worried about coming clean about this. We just.fell in love. I hardly saw it coming. It's not about the girl/girl thing, it's more just that she's the 'person' for me.

I know you're probably wondering about Oz. I can't say I'm over him. After all, we shared so much. But he is of the past. I guess that's all I can say about him. I miss him still, every day, but it's this part of me that I feel is the old me. Does that make sense? Anyway, I don't know what I'll do if he comes back, but as each day passes, I don't think he will. It just gets more and more impossible to imagine him walking through the door.

Moving on is a funny thing. I never thought I'd do it, and maybe I haven't. But my heart recovered from Oz, so I guess I'm stronger than I thought. Who would've guessed?

Anyway, please write back and tell me all that's been happening.I know the Council left?? Are they coming back for the fight.are we going to see you before then? I miss you Buffy,

W

~

From: Snoopy56@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: Hey stranger
Date: Feb 20th 2000

Buff,

Hey, what's going on? Will tells me she got a letter from you and you're training like crazy. I assume that's time-consuming. We miss you. Are you going to come down and see us.before the fight?

Don't even think that I'm going to say goodbye. No way. I know you'll be back. You'll fight your way through it. How could you not? You're Buffy, hello!

Love and skittles,
Xander

~

I don't cry after I read Xander's e-mail. My eyes are dry, and itchy. Sometimes I think I could be lying before him, my belly sliced open, my mouth trickling blood, my eyes red.and he would think that I was going to bounce back. That I would somehow become his hero again.

He told me I was his hero at the start of freshman year. It didn't make me feel good. I thought it would. I thought it should. But when he said that, I longed to be no one's hero. I was so cut open from the long lonely months of the summer and no one seemed to care. They just wanted me to be who I was again. Before Angel. Before he left.

But they didn't see that that was impossible. They didn't get that I was close to the edge. that I was spinning and about to fall. They didn't see that he had left me a shell of my old self. I guess they didn't realize he was a part of me.

I am pathetic. Here I am in the school café, looking at my e-mail and wanting to scream and knock over the computer like a crazy person. Maybe I am insane. Sometimes I wonder if I am or not. I could be. Everyone is laughing and talking, and the sound of the clicking keyboards fills my ears. It smells like coffee and machinery in here, like icing and cookies and modems. It makes me sick and I press my hand to my belly, standing up and grabbing my coat.

I can hear the waves. The ocean isn't near, but I can hear it. Crashing on the shore, the gulls keening, the smell of the hot sand and the sunshine. God, I need to get away. Leaving the café, my hands shake as they root around in my bag for change for the bus. Damnit. My fingers are trembling so much I can barely close them around the coins rattling around at the bottom of the cloth purse.

Walking to the bus stop, my hair flies behind me and I catch a guy checking me out. I wonder what he would say if he knew I was going to die in a week or so, in a huge battle to save the planet. He'd probably check me into an insane asylum where no one could ever find me again.

The bus ride is long and hot. The woman sitting next to me looks sad, like a lot of women in LA. Her eyes are hollow and purple. I guess none of her dreams came true. A lot of people come here for the glitter and the tinsel, and find it's really just a place with a lot of palm trees and hookers. Her legs have burn marks on them and I stare. She looks as if the life has been sucked out of her.

I wonder if I look like that to.

~

As I enter Angel Investigations, I hear laughter. Walking through the door, I watch with numb eyes as Angel lifts Cordelia into a hug, and she kisses his cheek. He smiles and they look happy. I clear my throat and Angel breaks away from her almost guiltily. "Don't let me stop you," I mutter, dropping my bag on the floor and crossing my arms.

Cordelia gazes at me with her dark eyes and then shrugs. "Gotta go."

"Ok," Angel grins and touches her arm. He turns to me after she's gone and holds out his hands. "Hey, love, you're home early."

"Obviously," I respond, and don't take his hands.

He looks confused and his eyebrows knit together. "What's the matter?"

"Oh nothing." I reply flippantly. "I enjoy coming home and seeing my boyfriend all over his co-worker."

Angel stares at me consideringly, as if he's trying to figure out whether or not I've lost my mind. "Buffy, you can't actually think-"

"Why not?" I inquire. "I know how close you and Cordy got.best friends or whatever. That's fine. That's so fine."

"Buffy!" he protests as I begin to leave the room, but I hold up my arms, almost hysterically and ward him off.

"Don't," I say coldly, my voice etched with terror and anger. He drops his hands and his eyes are wary. He looks at me like he doesn't know me and that makes the tears come. I leave the apartment without another word.

I walk around LA until 11 at night before I finally return. I wonder if Angel's going to be waiting up for me, and I hurts to find that he isn't. What am I doing? That's what I think as I stand over our bed, watching him. His arm is out stretched, as if trying to find me. Taking off my clothes, I slip between the covers and burrow underneath the weight of his arm. He mumbles something in his sleep and pulls me close. His skin is cool, and I close my eyes.

~

It's dark when I wake up but I can tell its morning. Angel still sleeps beside me. In the day, I'm ashamed of the way I acted. I'm jealous of Cordy? It makes me cringe. I never thought I was the jealous type until I met Angel. Then, Boom! And what with the Faith fiasco and Drusilla and Darla.I realized I did have that proverbial green monster inside me. I don't know what I'm going to say to him. Usually we wake up in the morning together, still drowsy from sleep and make love, our eyes bleary and our mouths hungry. It's sweet and precious to me. Today I know we're not going to have that. It's all my fault.

Padding through to the bathroom, I turn on the shower. Hot water gushes out, and it's a shock as it hits me. Standing underneath the torrent, I lift my face up and feel like sobbing. I'm being irrational, and there's nothing I hate more.

"Buffy."

His voice. He opens the shower door and he's staring at me. I'm naked, my skin flushed from the heat of the water, my hair dripping down my back like yellow fire. My mouth opens, maybe to say I'm sorry, or something inane like that, but he groans and steps in, taking me in his arms.

Oh God yes. This is what I want. No talk. Just this. The cool tiles against my back are a surprise as he kisses me, his tongue swirling and plunging into my mouth. His skin is cool and mine isn't. We're like fire and ice and I'm burning, burning, burning as he presses into me.

The heavy rose scent of my bath oil mixes in with the musky smell of our bodies as his hands claw at my neck and hair, lifting the weight of it off my back so he can kiss my shoulders. I'm desperate for him, my teeth against his wet chest, my lips seeking out his flesh with hunger. "Angel." I'm whimpering and he kisses me in response.

Maybe he doesn't want to hear my voice. Maybe he doesn't want to be reminded of his weakness. His tongue flicks out and explores my collarbone and my neck, his hands gripping my hips with silky pressure. My back hurts as it is slammed against the side of the shower. I don't care. I feel like I'm coming apart. My head is woozy from the hot water and the steam rises, enveloping us in billowy clouds of heat.

He cries out my name then. Just once, as we explode together. It sounds like it hurts him to say it. I want to laugh. It probably does. He carries me into the bedroom, and lays me down on the duvet. My eyes are wide as they stare up at him, wondering what he's going to do. He sighs and regards me. "I'm going to go make some breakfast," he utters gently. "Then you're going to tell me what's going on." After he pulls on a towelling robe, he leaves the room.

My body flops back, weary and exhausted. What am I supposed to say to him? How can I force out the words? Oh God. I cover myself with the blankets and worry it between my fingers, listening to him crash about in the kitchen.

He returns with my favourite breakfast dish, Belgian waffles and that makes me smile. As I bite into the whipped cream and berries, he watches me pensively. "Were you actually jealous of Cordy?" he asks, as if he still can't believe it.

"Is that so hard to believe?" I counter, avoiding his gaze as I munch on the meal with vigour.

He nods. "Yes, it is. For you to be jealous of Cordy is strange to me. Buffy.you know you're the only woman I could ever love. You are the only woman I love." My heart cracks as he says it. He told me that back in High School and then turned around and broke up with me. "I care about Cordy, of course, she's a great friend. But you.Buffy." he trails off.

"I'm just being irrational I guess," I shrug and lean back against the pillows. "Angel.I've never understood I guess.why you love me? I mean seriously, have you looked in the mirror lately?"

He deals me a wry glance and I flush.

"I mean figuratively.I guess I've just never understood why someone like you would want someone like me."

He sighs and takes my hands and this time I don't pull away. "Buffy.I love you so much.its almost painful." He closes his eyes and a shudder goes through his body. "I've never loved anyone else. Please, love, believe that no one could ever be what you are to me. Not Cordy.not anyone."

"I know.rationally I know." I reply and crawl over so I can snuggle onto his lap. "Angel?" I ask suddenly. "What do you think you're going to do after I die?"

He flinches and rests his forehead against mine, stroking my hair. "You're not going to die."

I hate when he does this. Denies the truth, pretends it isn't real. He did that with the first prophecy to. He urged me to accept that yes, it was my destiny, but that we could find a way around it. "I am," I argue implacably and he buries his face against my shoulder, holding onto me so tight I think I'm going to be crushed. I like it. It makes me feel dizzy and needed.

"What are you going to do?" I ask again. "Do you think you'll get married? I wonder what your kids will be like or what-" He cuts me off as he spins me around and kisses me. He doesn't want to think. He wants to get lost in me. I understand that. Suddenly I want more than anything to be young. I want us to do something care free, adolescent-like. Something mindless. Something.

"Let's do something fun today," I say, and he looks at me, a little confused, then he laughs.

"Fun? I don't even remember what that's like."

I giggle and vault out of bed, pulling on jean capris and a tank top, and running to the window. "It's cloudy out, no sun. Let's go to that fair on the Santa Monica pier. I know the sewer system is close by in case you need to make an emergency exit."

"I can smell the sun before it comes out anyway," he adds, obviously wanting to be convinced. Nodding, I urge him to get dressed and grab my bag.

"We can go on the Ferris wheel and eat cotton candy till we throw up," I proclaim excitedly and he shoots me a tender look, pulling on his clothes and fetching his keys.

~

We drive to the fair in his black car and I hold his hand, determined to forget about everything else in our lives today. We haven't had a time out like this since our dinner together a month ago. When we reach the Santa Monica pier, I'm relieved to see its busy and crawling with people. It smells like the ocean, like ride grease and paint and candy corn. It smells like my childhood.

~

When I was little I remember my parents taking me to an amusement park outside of LA. It was a huge rickety place, full of carnival workers and little kids with bored parents. I was excited of course, being a girl who loved adventure and super heroes. My mother hated the rides, so my Dad took me on the roller coasters. They were so old and wooden that every single second on them was a risk. That made it even better.

If I concentrate hard I can still taste the corn dogs we ate that day, my Dad and I, as we sat on one of the benches while my mother was in the washroom. I wore a ball cap and Dr. Scholl's sandals. Every so often I would lean into my Dad's sun warmed arm and he would peck me on the top of my head.

There was one thing that frightened me. An old woman who was supposed to be a fortune-teller. She was a gypsy and had a tent set up. She tried to get me to come to her. Her eyes were bright and ancient. She wore purple robes and looked like she ate people for breakfast. I was scared of her, and my hands trembled as she stared at me.

"Come here, child," she murmured. "I just want to read the crystal ball for you."

I knew she was going to tell me bad things. I shook my head and walked the other way. I never told anyone about that. Maybe that was my first clue.

My future was not going to be roses.

~

As we park the car, I get out and Angel takes my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. I lean into him and we walk into the melee. "Which ride first?" he asks cheerfully and I'm so happy to be with him in that moment. He's such a good sport. I've made his life hell these last few months, but he still wants to make me content.

"The Ferris wheel," I answer with certainty. It was always my favourite ride. He nods and we run like children to the ride, taking the last bucket. Angel puts the safety bar down and takes my hand again, smiling down into my eyes. He knows I want to have a normal day. My head finds his shoulder and he kisses my hair, and we're like a regular couple on a date.

Sitting on the beach, the island king of love, deep in Fijian seas
Deep in some blissful dream
Well the goddess finally sleeps in the lap of her lover
Subdued in all her rage

We eat cotton candy. Angel gets blue and I get pink. It was my favourite flavour as a kid. He picks me up and carries me in his arms, listening to me laugh as he whirls me around and the lights of the fair begin to melt into a kaleidoscope of pinks, yellows, greens.

The stillness in your eyes,
convinces me that I,
I don't know a thing
and I've been around the world and I, I've tasted all the wines
a half a billions times,
came sinking to your shores

We go on the roller coaster, and my hair whips us both and our mouths go wide with screams of laughter. He looks happy and I look content and he holds my hand. We kiss and giggle, our foreheads banging together as the ride bends around the corners. "Angel!!" I scream, my voice young.

"This is a horrible ride!" he cries above the sound of the wind rushing by our ears.

"Too slow for you?!" I yell back, my lips curved in a laugh that nothing can break.

"You got that right!" he shouts back and we go around a curve, falling, falling, and flying. My head rushes with adrenaline and my fingers crush his. He squeezes my hand and risks a kiss, our mouths bruised with our bumping teeth. It hurts and I yelp, giggling exuberantly. I've never felt so happy. I don't care what's coming. No one can ever take this day away.

~You show me what this life is for.

Part Twelve

We're laughing as we get back to his apartment. He touches my bruised lips with a gentle finger and then kisses them.

"Teeth are nasty things," I giggle and he smiles.

"Completely."

Lifting me in his arms, he begins to carry me into the bedroom when the phone rings. "Probably Cordy," he says wryly and still kissing my neck, lifts the receiver to his ear. "Mm.hello?"

I go still when I hear the gravely voice on the other end. "It is time. Go to the Hellmouth. It will begin in three hours. Take weapons."

That's it. He hangs up and we just stand there. My throat is dry. I try to swallow but my saliva is like glass. "Angel." I choke out. Nothing else. Just his name.

He doesn't answer. I know why. He can't think of anything to say.

~

From: WiccaSister89@hotmail.com
To: Buffy16@hotmail.com
Subject: (none)

Buffy,

I don't know why, but I have the strangest feeling today is the day of the fight. There are dark forces in the air. Listen, I'm not going to say Goodbye. I'm glad we got to have that talk the other night. I know you'll get through this.

I was reading a book of poems yesterday. I found one that reminded me of you:

I am not from here
My hair smells of the wind
And is full of constellations
And I move about this world
With a healthy disbelief
And approach my days and my work
With vaporous consequence
A touch that is translucent
But can violate stone
By: Jewel Kilcher

You never were from where we were Buffy. You're from somewhere better. Somewhere full of heroes. You've saved me more times than I can count. In more ways than one. I was thinking about High School, when it was me and you and Xand. Member the times we had? It was great. You made me feel like I belonged, Buffy.

I know it sounds like I'm saying Goodbye. I'm not. Well, maybe I am. Just whatever happens out there today, know that I love you, and that you're my best friend. Oh God, I'm crying, I'm sorry. Well, I guess you can't tell cause this is on an e-mail.but anyway, I'm rambling.

I'm thinking of you, always. Be careful (yeah, right!)

W

~

The car ride is long. Angel speeds like a racer, but for some reason the road stretches out ahead of us like a long grey ribbon, never ending. As I watch the miles eaten up by the car, I feel like this isn't happening. It's stupid, but I don't feel real. It's like any minute now we're going to wake up.

When I was little I would pretend I was a super hero and save the world. With my red tights on and a cape made out of bed sheets I would jump from my bed to the cabinet, my little hands holding a paper and foil sword. The demons or enemies would always be in the closet. I never saw them. But I won, somehow.

I loved the adventure. I loved to pretend I was that girl.that person who would do good and fight evil. Maybe I was just innocent back then. Maybe I just didn't know what was coming. A part of me thinks I did.

I realize that I haven't even called my mother. That my Dad doesn't know. That I haven't said Goodbye to Willow and Xander and Giles. It can't matter now. Maybe saying Goodbye would have made it harder. I don't know. My stomach is hurting and I want to throw up.

Street lamps light the way and their watery glow spills over me as we pull into Sunnydale High School parking lot. Angel's hand rests on his seat belt for a moment without unbuckling it. Finally he does, and gets out, facing me. My legs are shaking. He doesn't see it. His eyes lock with mine and I'm drowning in them. "I'm not going to say Goodbye," he finally says in a blank tone.

My eyes fill with tears. As they slip down my face I wonder if I'm weeping blood. I must be. Only blood could sting this much. "You have to," I answer him and he comes forward, bending down and pressing his lips to mine in a hungry kiss.

"No regrets?" he inquires with a half smile, and my tears gush, because I love him and like any girl with a future all planned, I don't want to die. I want to wear a wedding dress and have children and walk on the beach again.

"None at all," I reply, trying to smile, but it comes out more as a sob. He crushes me close for a quick moment and then we walk into the school. It smells like cracked paint and burnt wood. Like old cafeteria food. It smells like my past. Angel's hand is holding mine and my fingers are trembling. We have a stack of weapons in a heavy bag and I harden myself. It's time to do this.

My whole body almost withers as we near the library. The scent of demons, of decay, of my own death- has reached my nose. My flesh tenses and with regret, I let go of Angel. Kicking open the door, I watch as the Hellmouth unfurls like a giant bird, its wings spreading to reveal every atrocity in the realm.

Grabbing a sword as Angel takes a hold of an axe, we enter the battle. For a while it's easy. I'm slaying vampires and cutting off heads and beating at the numerous snake-like creatures twining out of the black hole. But then as it goes on and on, my head feels dizzy. Sweat is pouring over my skin and its too hot. I can see the demons coming and it seems like they will never stop.

Slashing another vampire, I kick and punch a second one, finishing by cutting off its head. I can see Angel fighting over by me, his movements deft and sure. He's stronger than I am. Our eyes meet and lock. His are alive with fire, and love. I try and smile. He's distracted by a large demon bearing down on him and turns away.

That's when the first blow comes. It's to my side. I feel the sword being wrenched from my hands and it slices through me like I'm butter.

~Like I'm Faith.~

That's all I can think as I stake the vampire, trying to ignore the hot blood spurting from the wound below my breasts, but every breath hurts. Is this what Faith felt like when I stabbed her? My ribs crack as I lop off another's head. It's different than drowning, which felt like I was being filled up and smothered.

The demons are getting ferocious and there seems to be a never -ending amount of them. The hole opens up wider and than that's when the snake appears. The colossal monstrosity of green scales and sharp breath. I'm gasping and everything is rushing around me in a kaleidoscope of colours. Kind of like at the fair today. But now I'm not laughing. I can see through glazed eyes Angel slicing through the beast with his axe, its roar ringing through my being as it is killed by my lover.

That's when the second blow reaches me. The sword goes deep into my midsection. I hardly feel it. Looking down I see it gaping from my skin like something that doesn't belong, the handle golden, the blade silver and 14 inches of razor sharp destiny. I must look like Angel did when I stabbed him. Maybe I deserve it.

I fall. I know Angel's still fighting, but there's less of a roar. My eyes stray down to the front of my top. It's red. But I didn't wear red today. Then I remember. Oh God.are you out there God. my head is muzzy and I stare up at the ceiling, realizing there is no roof. The stars twinkle at me and reaching my hand up, I think I could touch them. My mouth feels sticky. Blood flows past my teeth and pools around my head. The moon looks blue. Like the ocean.

"Buffy!"

It's an agonized scream. Angel. I don't say anything. My throat won't work and my limbs feel heavy. His hands cradle my head. He looks scared. "Buffy.the Hellmouth's closed.no more demons.Buffy.please, I don't want this without you."

I can't look at him. But he cups my cheeks and I see my blood coursing over his thumbs. "Buffy.fight, please. Please."

He's sobbing and I want to cry and hold him and tell him nothings wrong and everything will be fine. But how can I? My insides are pouring out and there's no way he can fix me again.

"HELP US!" he screams to the sky, to anyone. I want to tell him there's no one out there, but I don't.

"I can help you."

That voice. Juliet. I see her, through watery eyes. Through bloody eyes. She's wearing white and her hair is loose to the night wind that flows through the missing roof. Angel's head jerks up and he stares at her with wild eyes. "What can you do?" he asks frantically.

"Call the Oracles," she tells him, and he doesn't even ask questions, just shouts for whatever mystical beings she mentioned.

There is a flash. It doesn't hurt my eyes, but its white and bright, filling the entire ruined library with brilliance. Two figures appear, both clothed in blue, with strange golden paintings etched on their flesh. The woman stares hard at us.

"Why have you summoned us, lower being?" she snaps at Angel, who I realize must have already been given his humanity. My heart would soar if it wasn't cracked and bleeding. He looks down and tears are streaming down his face.

"Please.help Buffy."

The male taps a finger against his teeth. "We cannot. She is fated to die. Unless someone goes in her place."

Angel jumps up and cries, "Me.I will.take back my humanity.kill me, whatever it takes.just make her live."

If I could scream NO! I would.but my vocal cords are being drowned with blood and I can only stare at them with wild eyes. Juliet kneels down and she takes my hand. I see the salt on her face. She weeps for me.

"No, we cannot grant that request," the female Oracle whispers with a sad expression. "You are no longer meant to be a Warrior. Your fate is humanity. I cannot undo that. It wouldn't be right."

Angel sobs something in his native language as the Oracles begin to disappear, but then Juliet speaks. "I will take her place."

The male glowers at her. "What do you mean, old one?"

She throws back her head of hair. I can barely see them anymore. Angel's beside me, trying to hold me without hurting me. Every breath stings and they're getting shorter and shallower. Juliet's voice is strong. "I want to take her place. I have lived long enough. Four thousand and five years is too long.I wish to leave this realm. It would be a worthy trade. The Powers that Be have never liked me. Restore Buffy, give her, her freedom. The Hellmouth is closed. Take me instead. I would willingly die for her."

I can hear the female's voice and it sounds like a broken record. "All right, old one. We accept."

Juliet leans over me and she puts her hand on my cheek. Suddenly I can see clearly. Her face is close and she whispers, "Be happy." Her eyes are calm. She wants to do this. As if in a drunken haze, I glance at Angel. Every moment we have had flashes in my mind. The kisses in the graveyard, the night we came out of the rain into each other's arms, surviving Hell and Angelus, the last look.the dance at the Prom, the little moments I knew he loved me and I loved him and that this was it.

Then I see all the moments we are supposed to have. Our wedding day, laughter and white frosted cake, honeymoon- sandy beaches and sun warmed skin, our children, tucking them into bed and reading stories, Christmases with Xander and Willow and their families.our faces content, his arms safe around me.

I look at Angel. He's gazing at me, his eyes wide and frightened and I love him with all my scarred being. He's all I've ever wanted, the only future I've ever seen.

I smile at Juliet. "Thank You" I mouth to her and her lips curve.

"You're Welcome," she murmurs and my eyes close.

The acrid smell of ashes fills the air.

A warm glowing sensation flows over my belly and chest and for a moment I wonder whether the Oracles were too late and my spirit is leaving my body, but then I realize I can move and the stab holes have closed over.

Angel lifts me up. His embrace is strong and I can feel his heart beating.

He carries me out of the burnt shell that once was my High School and sets me down. Pinks and golds streak the horizon with brilliant colour. Slowly the ball of fire rises and Angel squints against his first sunrise in over two hundred years.

I press my face against his warm arm, which throbs with life. His head bends down and our lips meet. His are hot.

"Let's go home," he says softly and smiles, his teeth white in the sunshine.

~ the goddess finally sleeps, after eons of war and lifetimes
she's smiling and free
nothing left, but a cracking voice and a song of love~

"Home," I repeat and glance once more at the wrecked building. The air is sweet now, and the scent of it is like cotton candy we ate yesterday. "Yes, let's go home, Angel."

He takes my hand, and we start walking.

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