Disclaimer: They aren't mine. I wish they were. (See me sigh longingly and continue typing.)
Spoilers: Up to Amends.
Summary: Buffy and Angelness, after Amends. This is really short, and I wrote it in, like, fifteen minutes or some ridiculously small amount of time, so it's not my best. By far. (Oh, Cordelia stayed in Sunnydale for Christmas. I hadn't actually seen the episode when I wrote this, so I just assumed she'd been there. My bad.)
Distribution: Ask me before taking.
Feedback: Of course, I want it! Badly enough to do anything... Including promise another long story at some point within the next century. (I hate writer's block!) (And I hope that's good persuasion.)
Rating: PG—13. Really tame. But I refuse to put G, just `cause I don't like that letter. That and I talk a bit about suicide. (Nothing really bad)
Author's Note: THANK YOU for the feedback on the last story I wrote! I REALLY appreciate it, and love it, and you are the awesomest people in the world!)

Buffy and Angel were silent as they walked through the streets, snow falling gently around them. The street was already blanketed, and the sky was dark. It didn't look like it would stop any time soon. Angel stopped in front of the biggest church in Sunnydale, and for a moment, Buffy watched him silently. "I tried to go into a church after I was cursed. It hurt. And I realized what I was then. What I'd become." His voice was pain filled, and Buffy felt her heart breaking as she watched him. "I don't know why I just thought of that," he admitted, shrugging a little. Buffy knew he felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders, and he was just so tired of it all…

"Are you gonna be okay?" Buffy asked softly. There was no way that he was anywhere near okay right now…

Angel looked at her, his eyes dark and mournful. "Eventually." He sighed as he looked up at the dark sky. "It's just… suddenly everything I've done… it all came back."

"The First." Buffy said softly. "They did something. They were haunting you."

Angel laughed bitterly. "Did a damn good job of it, too."

"But why would you try to kill yourself?" She asked, suddenly angry, even as she fought back a wave of pity. "Why? Haven't you hurt me enough?" They both stared at each other, so much pain going through them, so many emotions…

Angel looked up at the church, and for a moment, Buffy wondered if he'd even heard her. Then he sighed and looked at her again. "Because I'm afraid I would hurt you more. You have no idea how hard it is for me to look back at my life and realize I've never done anything to make up for myself. I've killed… so many people. Children, babies. And for so long I've tried to just forget it. But I can't. And it hurts." He looked at her, and Buffy saw the despair he'd been hiding. "And I gave up." He looked away. "It wanted me to kill you. It wanted me to lose my soul, become a monster again, and I wanted that. No matter what the consequences are, I just want…"

Buffy sighed. "I know." She had tears in her eyes as she looked at him. "But you can't. We can't. No matter what, because some gypsies wanted revenge. Angel, I understand. But… I'm just so sick of everything. Every time something goes wrong, I want to go to you. Every time I'm lonely or scared, I want to go to you. Every second I live… god, Angel; I don't know what I'm doing. And I'm scared. And if you were dead… what could I do?" Silent for a moment, he took her in his arms, and they held each other, taking comfort in each other's presence. She buried her head in his chest. "I can't live without you."

Angel held her, needing this as much as she did. "I can't either. Live without you."

"Angel," Buffy started, very quiet. "Do you really want to die? Or was it just the First?" She was very afraid. What if he said he did?

Angel was quiet for a long moment. "I don't know." She looked at him, frightened, but he continued. "This morning… I would have killed myself without another thought. But now…" he looked at her, knowing he was scaring her, but unable to stop. "When you're here, with me, I can't imagine being dead, being without you. And even when I'm alone, it's a horrifying thought. But I'm afraid, Buffy. I'm afraid that one day I'm gonna wake up and you won't be there anymore. And I don't think I could stand it."

Buffy was silent for a long time. "I know how it feels." She looked up at him. "Just remember. Next time you want to take a walk in the sun, I'm the one who'll wake up to that news." She closed her eyes. "And I don't think I could survive that again." She opened her eyes again. "Promise me next time you get this urge, you'll let me know."

Angel smiled a little. "I promise." He slipped his arm around her shoulders, and hers went around his waist. "When do you want your Christmas present?"

"You got me one?" Buffy asked, startled and pleased. "I got you one too, even though I'm pretty sure you don't celebrate it much."

Angel smiled a little more. "Not for two-hundred years or so."

"I betcha it's changed a little." She said, smirking.

"You think?" He teased. Then he sobered. "Aren't you supposed to be with your mother?"

"And Faith." Buffy agreed. "But we'll go by the mansion so you can get my present, then we'll go to my house and you can stay there." She glanced at the sky. "Will it be dark enough for you?"

Angel eyed the sky as they walked. "Believe me, I'll be watching."

Buffy nodded, satisfied by that. "Good."

*--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--

Joyce and Faith were still outside when Buffy and Angel got to the house. Willow, Oz, Xander, Cordy, and Giles were also there, gathered on the porch, and everyone exchanged looks when they saw Angel. Joyce looked at her daughter. "What's going on?"

Buffy and Angel exchanged looks and silently decided not to tell. "Big evil." Buffy said instead. She didn't bother to explain beyond that. They didn't need to know, and neither Buffy nor Angel was comfortable explaining everything that had happened since they'd last seen any of the gang.

"Aren't you gonna burn up?" Willow asked, confused as she looked at Angel.

"The clouds are blocking the sun." Angel explained quietly.

"Not that it's a bad thing, but why's everyone here?" Buffy asked.

"Jewish." Willow answered, shrugging.

"You invited me." Faith said dryly.

"My family is drunk." Xander told them. "I got bored."

"Willow's here." Oz explained, shrugging.

"It's snowing." Cordelia said simply. "I wanted to know if the world was ending."

"It's snowing, and I wanted to know how things went." Giles explained, glancing at Angel again. "I have to admit, I was afraid the world was ending too."

"G-man, G-man," Xander sighed, shaking his head. "Thinking like Cordy now days?"

Cordelia huffed. "At least I think at all." Then she smirked and glanced sideways at her ex. Then she surprised them all by scooping up some of the snow and hurling it at Xander.

Everyone gaped at her for a moment, then Xander recovered and threw some back. It skimmed off of Cordelia's shoulder and hit Willow. Joyce and Giles glanced at each other, and then ran inside, just as Willow threw some at Oz. Some of it hit Angel, who surprised them all by scooping some of the snow up and hitting Buffy. She hit Faith. It was war.

*--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--* *--~--

A while later, everyone came back inside, and with the exception of Angel, all had red cheeks and were breathing heavily. "Hey Mom," Buffy called, poking her head into the kitchen, where Joyce and Giles sat, "Can we have hot chocolate?"

Joyce nodded. "I'm making some right now."

"Cool." Buffy said happily, then returned to the front room, where everyone was sitting down. "Merry Christmas, everybody." Willow gave her a look. Buffy winced. "I mean, Happy Hanukah too."

Willow nodded, pleased now. "Merry Christmas."

Everyone echoed the sentiment, and added a `Happy Hanukah' to Willow, who was then satisfied.

Joyce and Giles came out of the kitchen, each carrying a tray of steaming hot chocolate. "Hope everybody likes it with marshmallows," she said cheerfully. She and Giles passed out a cup to everyone, including Angel, then set the trays down and sat down. As Buffy gazed at all her friends, boyfriend, and the two people she considered her parents, she was filled with a warm and fuzzy sensation, and had to smile. Angel noticed and looked at her quizzically. She smiled at him. "Despite everything," she told him softly, "this is the best Christmas I've ever had."

Xander heard her. "And you haven't even opened your presents yet."

Joyce smiled and went to turn on the Christmas music. The sweet sounds of Silent Night filled the room, everyone was happy.

And Buffy and Angel got even happier when Willow gave Angel his Christmas gift. One bound soul, that would never leave, no matter how happy he got.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

(Happy Hanukah, too!)

(Thanks again to everyone who sent me such awesome feedback on some of my stories. Sorry this one isn't as long, and not very good (my infamous cheesy ending and crappy title, especially), but I just wanted to write something Christmasy! Thanks again!)

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