Summerhaven

Chapter 13

The next morning Spike awoke stiffly, he found he was sitting at the hard wooden desk in the house he and Oz had rented. After his encounter with Buffy he had gone home and grabbed the nearest bottle, not putting it down until it had gone bone dry.

He had a plan, it was clear in his head. How he would make Buffy pay for making him leave, for breaking his heart. All that careful planning went right out the window as soon as he saw her.

It was like they were kids all over again. Spike couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. His heart had pounded violently in his chest and his whole body ached for her. It was like time had stopped when their eyes met in the garden. There was nothing left in the world when their lips touched, all that mattered was Buffy. He rubbed his swollen red eyes and heard her voice in his head, the memories of the past fresh.

“I don’t want you William. I could never marry you. You are beneath me…”

He sighed loudly and closed his eyes. The door to the library creaked open and Spike covered his ears, the sound deafening to his alcohol induced brain.

“My god man. What happened last night?” Oz asked as he saw the state that was Spike.

“You don’t want to know,” Spike replied dropping his head into his hands on the hard desk.

“Sounds like I do,” Oz said taking residence in the damask covered chair in front of the heavy desk.

Spike lifted his head, his bloodshot eyes resting on the man in front of him.

“Saw Buffy, kissed Buffy. Plans went out the window. Buffy yet again rejected me. Need to know anything else?”

Oz shook his head and sighed. He knew how Spike felt about Buffy even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself. All the plans Spike made on how to hurt Buffy for hurting him, Oz knew he wouldn’t go through with them. Only a man in love would want to hurt the one he loves the most. And only because she hurt him.

“On a lighter note, I saw you dancing with the red-haired bird.”

“Willow. Willow Rosenberg,” Oz supplied, his voice rose a notch and his eyes lost focus. Spike smirked at him and raised his scarred eyebrow.

“What?”

“You said her name in such a bloody dreamy voice,” Spike smiled.

“She’s a nice girl. I think I’ll make sure to see more of her.”

“Yeah I’ll bet.”

Oz raised a questioning eyebrow at his friend.

“Come on man we got business to do. I’ll call your valet,” Oz said getting up and leaving the room.

Spike sighed again and put his head in his hands. Buffy’s vision danced against his closed eyelids.

So help me god, I will get over you, he thought.

*~*

Buffy hadn’t slept well that night. Images of Spike haunted her. His soft words, his tender kisses. She couldn’t bear to go back to the ball. She looked in on Dawn and smiled as she danced around the room with Chad Masters.

Willow was also occupied. She was in a small alcove off the corner of the expansive ball room talking with the red haired man that Spike had come with.

“Are you ok?” Xander asked coming up behind her and placing his hand on her elbow.

“What? Oh I’m fine Xander. Just tired.”

“I saw you talking with William er Spike.”

Buffy’s head shot up just in time to see the dark look that entered Xander’s brown eyes.

“I was speaking with him yes.”

“I know what he was to you, what he is to you. I know I could never compare to him but, I need to know. Have you thought anymore on marrying me?” Xander asked, his hand still on her elbow.

Buffy turned and faced him. She put her hands on his face.

“Xander you know how very much you mean to me don’t you? I love you as my friend. You have done so much for Dawn and I, I could never show my appreciation for all your doings. I can’t marry you Alexander. You deserve a love that knows now bounds. You deserve a woman who loves you whole-heartedly. Not me, whose heart was given away long ago, I don’t think I ever got it back. Ten years later and I’m still in love with him.” Buffy stopped and sighed. She lowered her head and sniffled, willing the tears to pass so she wouldn’t upset Xander any more.

“Buffy…” Xander said as his hands reached for her face. “I know how you feel about him. You have to tell him the truth. I can’t say this doesn’t hurt because it hurts. It hurts bad but I also want you to be happy. Tell him how you feel, tell him why you sent him away. You happy will make me happy.”

Buffy reached up and kissed him on the cheek. “I do love you Xander. You, Willow and Dawn are my family. But telling Spike how I feel. That is something I cannot do. I’ve already hurt him enough.”

Buffy rolled over in her bed, the lavender scented sheets calming her slightly.

“I just can’t tell him,” she said aloud as she rang for her maid.

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