Summerhaven

Chapter 17

“Spike...”

“No! Don’t Spike me Buffy. Don’t make up a story or say you had to. Tell me the bloody truth damn it. Tell me why you made me leave.”

Spike was trying not to get angry but was failing miserably until he saw tears well up in her emerald green eyes. He sighed and released her, allowing her to back away from him a little.

“You wouldn’t understand.”

Spike laughed, ruefully and dryly.

“I’m not accepting that Buffy. How would I understand unless you tell me what’s going on?”

“Damn you,” she swore her eyes hardening as she looked at him.

“Damn me? You sent me into hell and damn me? All I want to know is why. Is that soo bloody hard for you to admit?”

“You have no idea what you are asking me.”

“Yeah right. Do you remember what you told me the night you send me away? Do you even remember how callous and awful you were?” Spike practically spat the words at her.

“William,” she nodded and swept to the side to allow him access to her room.

William said nothing and walked in, water falling as droplets onto the hard wood floor.

“I saw your father this afternoon,” he said gruffly not looking at her.

Buffy turned away from him and wrung her hands together.

“He is sending me away.”

“I know. It’s for the best really. You don’t belong here. You deserve better,” she said looking at his face. William’s clear blue eyes met hers and she had to turn away from the intensity in his gaze.

“I belong with you,” he said grabbing her arm and yanking her against his body.

“William..”

“Tell me to stay Buffy. I’ll go anywhere you ask. I won’t leave unless you ask me too. I’ll come back. No one can keep us apart,” he said desperately holding onto her, his grip becoming painful.

Buffy laughed a dry laugh and wrenched herself away from William’s embrace.

“William go. I don’t want you here. What we had was nothing. This love you thought I felt for you was nothing. Twas not but a bit of practice. I am now ready for an real man now.”

“Buffy I love you,” William said defeated.

Buffy looked at him one last time, trying to memorize everything about his face, his hair, his body. She knew if he touched her again she would crumble and beg him to stay.

“Go William. I don’t want you, you are beneath me,” she said cruelly.

William’s eyes widened with shock making Buffy cast her gaze downward. She balled her hands into fists, her nails leaving little welts in her palms and silently begged him to leave. When she looked up again he was gone.

“Do you have any idea what you did to me that night?” Spike demanded his blue eyes harsh.

“Do you have any idea what it did to me?” she countered.

“No and you know what I don’t care. You made me leave. You sent me away. All I’m asking now is why.”

“What do you want me to say Spike? That my father made me send you away? That he knew we were in love and I was carrying your baby. That he would rather me bear the life of complete unhappiness then have his eldest daughter married to a lowly stable hand?”

“What?” Spike asked, his eyes wide as he closed the distance between them. “Our baby?”

Buffy sighed and tried to look away from the hopeful look on Spike’s face.

“Yes…I was carrying your baby.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? Where is it? Where is my child?” Spike grabbed her arms once more and looked closely at her, scrutinizing her, almost shaking her in his anxiety about the baby.

“I lost it Spike,” she whispered as tears began to flow in earnest down her face.

He didn’t know what to say. He just gathered her in his arms and held her close as she began to cry, huge sobs wracking her body.

*~*

It felt like an eternity that Spike held the small woman in his arms. Her sobs had quieted and she sniffled but seemed to gain control again. Spike said nothing, just smoothed her hair from her face and placed kisses on her forehead. The fact that he had gotten Buffy pregnant weighed heavily on him, more so because she lost the baby. Between her sobs and hiccupping she told him how she fell down the stairs and blacked out. When she had awoken the doctors told her about the loss.

The thought that Buffy was carrying his child filled him with warmth. This is where he belonged and he always knew it. Hearing that they had created life together only re-affirmed that notion. He just needed her to admit it to herself and to him. He had no intention of leaving her or Summerhaven ever again.

He was so deep in thought that he didn’t even notice that Buffy had twisted in his arms and was looking at him.

“Spike?” she asked softly touching his cheek.

“Hmmm?”

“What are you thinking?”

Spike looked down at her and saw the apprehension on her face, she was afraid of what he would say and afraid if she did not hear it.

“I’m thinking of how I should have never left that night. That I should have fought you when you told me to leave. That I should have made love you to and proved to you how much we belong together.”

“How can you still think that?”

“You’re kidding me right?” he asked sarcastically.

“No…actually I’m not.”

“Buffy…it’s not your fault your father was a complete asshole. You do know that right? It’s not your fault you lost the baby, my god woman you fell down the stairs. How can you think it’s your fault?”

“I was running…I shouldn’t have been going so fast. I should have been treading carefully but I couldn’t help it. Your father had sent me word that he had received a letter from you and I was so desperate to hear it.”

“Wait a minute. You were running for one of my letters?” he asked her, his eyes incredulous.

“Spike, I had locked myself in my room. I refused to eat or drink. I wouldn’t open the curtains. I sat in complete darkness, turning away anyone who came to see me. I wanted to suffer. I wanted my grief to swallow me whole and spit out my bones. I was nothing without you. I was a shell of the woman who was yours. Your father had known what was going on and when your letter came, he knew it was the light I needed to find my way out of the darkness.”

“It’s my fault,” Spike said quietly, his arms loosening around her.

“What?”

“It’s my fault,” he repeated as he moved to stand.

“How could anything be your fault?”

“It was MY letter that you were running for. It was my fault you fell.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Buffy exclaimed as she stood as well.

“Don’t you understand Buffy? You were running because of me. Had my father not gotten my letter…had he not read it, you wouldn’t have fallen.”

Buffy reacted before she knew what she was doing. She reached him in one stride, one hand grabbing his arm and the other stroking his cheek.

“Nothing in my life has ever been your fault William Leslie.”

Spike broke her hold on him and went to the door.

“Except the loss of our child,” he said as he walked out the door, shutting it quickly behind him.

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