E-mail: ANN_AKAYS@webtv.net
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Co. belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and the WB Network. No copyright infringement intended.
Rating: PG-13
Authors's note: Xander and Cordelia never happened, neither did Willow and Oz, Buffy didn't die in Prophecy Girl therefore no Kendra, no Faith and she didn't leave at the end of Becoming. Season three didn't happen.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It's almost funny how fast years you go by. Almost. It's been about eight years since I found out that creatures I saw in my nightmares were real and there was a chosen girl, one in all the world who would be able to kill them.
It's been about five years since I left my home in the tiny town of Sunnydale to reside in my current home of Los Angeles, California. I left because I felt I had and needed to. To this day I don't regret that decision.
Three and half years since I got married to my other half my kindred soul. My angel. Time with him seemed to go by too quickly, I couldn't get enough of him. I miss him.
A year has passed since his death, seems like a hundred years. A year since I gave birth to our first and only child. Cian's birth was a miracle aand a puzzle. To this day I don't understand how he was conceived.
I mark the years by the unforgettable events that have taken place. I will mark this year with the event of I, Willow Rosenburg returning to the place I once called home, Sunnydale.
End Prologue
"Wathching this place will be such a breeze, nothing to worry about," my best friend Nina told me.
"Thanks for doing this for me. It means a lot," I stuffed a few diapers in Cian's baby bag on my bed.
"We're friends. Anyways you'll owe me later," she smiled. I didn't smile, since I found out I had to go back to Sunnydale I hadn't smiled or laughed.
"I'm sorry this is going to be so hard for you," Nina said.
"Don't be. You didn't do anyhting wrong."
"Yeah, but she did right?"
"You don't have to ask."
I sighed sitting on the bed beside Nina. "She was my best friend and she betrayed me. They both were. I can't tell you how it felt like to see them together that way."
"I can only imagine," she murmured.
"I should be over it but I'm not. I need a better explanation than it just sort of happened."
"Maybe you'll get them when you get there."
"I'm not counting on it."
Nina left a few moments later, I was glad. I needed a few moments to think. Returning to Sunnydale was going to change everything. The moment I had dreaded for years was only a day or so away. When I pictured It I figured I wouldn't be facing it alone.
Eight years ago my world was normal. I had two great friends Xander and Jesse. I was in love with Xander, foolishly I hoped he'd return the feelings one day. My grades were better than good. I don't deny it. Everything changed when Buffy Summers came to town. She started talking to me after Cordelia Chase, a potential friend for her insulted me. A friend who was mean wasn't what she was looking for.
Later, Xander and I found out that Buffy was the Slayer, the chosen girl who's duty it was to kill vampires. This was after Jesse had died, he'd been turned into a vampire and died in front of us.
After that my whole outlook on life and my town changed. Nothing was as it seemed. The small, sleepy town I lived in was actually a mouth into hell and could be opened in several ways. It was built by our mayor for demons, such as himself to feed off.
From the moment Xander and I met Buffy I knew he was taken by her. I know why. Buffy's a petite girl with whispy blonde hair and this essence of power and strenght radiating from her. She was everything I was not. I was shy and withdrawn. I was plain with my red hair and average looks. The thing that stood about me was the pastel coulored clothes I loved to wear.
Xander was out of luck, Buffy was in love with Angel, a vampire with a soul. Angel was everything any woman could dream of. His full name meant 'the one with the angelic face'. I couldn't agree more. Even though I was still in love with Xander I couldn't help but notice Angel.
He stood over six feet, dark hair and eyes, you could see his soul in those eyes it seemed. He was mysterious and sexy. Buffy fell head over heels and I guess without knowing it I did too.
We became the Scooby Gang, the Slayer's helpers. Everything was good for a while. We hunted demons killed them and went o school the next morning.
On Buffy's seventeenth birthday all our lives changed most of all Buffy's. She and Angel made love, granting a moment of happiness therefore allowing him to lose his soul. He'd been cursed by a gypsy clan with his soul as punishment for killing a beloved daughter of the clan. The curse had clause, if he received a moment of true happiness he'd lose his soul.
His demon, Angelus was free. For months Angelus roamed, stalking us, killing people we knew, including Buffy's wathcher,Rupert Giles' love interest Jenny Calendar.
By then Buffy was ready to kill him. The final showdown came at the end of the summer when Angelus tried to suck the world into hell. With the help of Angelus' childe Spike his plan was thwarted but not without consequences.
I didn't want Angel to die when we found a spell to recurse him I eagerly volunteered to do it. I failed the first time because of interuption from vampires out to stop us. The second time I succeeded. I had sent Xander to tell Buffy I was trying the curse again ao she wouldn't have to kill him. Out fo jealousy for the vampire he didn't. Angelus had opened the gateway to hell when his soul was returned she had no choice but to send him to hell to close the gateway.
Buffy was different after that she threw herself into her duty. It was much easier now that her mother knew. Over the summer she dated frequently, never saying a word about Angel. If we even uttered his name she would get this sad look on her face that quickly turned to anger. I didn't know who she was angry at.
For me I felt a bit alone. Xander was dating a girl Anya he claimed he loved. She was a bit freaky to me, the way she spoke it seemed to me she hated everything male. I had no one really. I went on a few dates but nothing serious ever occured. When school re-opened the feeling of lonliness became heavier. My friends were involved in things that didn't include me. Xander fulfilled his dream of being cool when he made the football team. It wasn't cool for him to be seen with me. I understood but I was hurt. Buffy just didn't seem to have any time for me.
We were all brought together again when Angel returned from hell. Buffy had found him in the woods on a nightly patrol. Xander wanted to kill him. Giles wouldn't say anyhting but I knew he was thinking the same thing as Xander. He'd been tortured by Angelus to reveal the secrets of how to open the gateway to hell. Buffy was numb. I said nothing like Giles. Inside I hoped the decisio would be not to kill him.
Before we could make the decision of what to do. A friend of Angel's, Whistler came to take him to L.A. where he thought he'd be better of. Angel was an animal when he returned from hell. He didn't know who he was or who we were.
Things went back to the way they were before. We seperated. Our last year in high school was spent rarely seeing each other. I spent most of my time dabbling into witchcraft with my friend Amy Madison. Occasionaly we would get together to kill something taht Buffy couldn't handle herself or research something too important for time to be wasted.
Still I was still in love with Xander. You always want what you can't have I guess.
The summer after graduation I decided to leave Sunnydale. Giles had asked me to take an important book to Buffy since he couldn't do it himself. I thought maybe we could talk for a while or something.
I decided to take the book to her on a Saturday morning. I remember that day very clearly. Mrs. Summers greeted me at the door on her way out asking why she hadn't seen me in a long while. I gave no answer. I went up to the stairs to buffy's room where I knocked announcing my presence. Like I'd always done in the past I entered without waiting for a reply.
I froze at he scene before me. Xander and Buffy naked under the covers wrapped in each others arms. A lump in my throat formed, I dropped the heavy book.
The sound of the book hitting the floor woke them both. They bolted upright trying to cover themselves with the sheets.
"Willow, I'm sorry," Buffy said.
I didn't say a word, we stared at each other for a few moments. I turned walking out the door.
Behind me I could hear Xander say," What's her deal?"
My deal was that I'd been in love with him since we were kids and she knew that. Yet they'd slept together.
I went home and immediately began packing my bags. I was not going to stay another moment. I had aleady been accepted to USCLA what difference would it make if I went a few weeks early. I could stay with my Aunt Jody she'd always offer me the chance to stay with her for the summer.
Buffy and Xader must have called a total of twenty times that day. Buffy had come over when I'd went to get my bus tickets. My parents accepted what I was doing with their usual disinterest.
I left without looking back.
End Part 1
I stayed with ny aunt until school began I moved in to my dorm as soon as it was possible. The stay at my Aunt's wasn't without Buffy and Xander calling a few times a week. Buffy had told Xander of my feelings towards him. He claimed to be very sorry. I refused their calls hung upon them. I wasn't ready to speak to them. Xander had said on one of the many messages he left that it had just happened.
I told Aunt Jody if they called after I left to tell them I was gone. I guess she went aloong with it because I never heard from either of them again.
I was paired
with Nina as my roommate. We became friends quickly. It helped
that we were both Wiccans. She taught me how to call upon the elements,
and I taught her how to stake a vampire after we were
attacked by one.
Life was good. I was slowly forgetting Buffy and Xander, I had friends, I was invited to parties. University life was being so good to me.
On New Year's Nina and I planned to go to a new club that had opened, Heat. From what I'd heard the club was drawing a lot of attention. Celebrities were spotted inside more than once.
We dressed extra special in our best dresses and pulled out all the stops. I felt beautiful that night for the first time in a while.
The party was in full swing when we arrived. People from the university greeted us showing us several celebrities. We found ourselves a table with two other girls from one of my classes. We spoke about nothing in particular just enjoying the night.
"Cutie at 10:15," Nina announced looking behimd me her face showing excititment.
Mariel and Mercedes looked over smiles appearing o their faces. I turned looking in the direction their eyes were glued to. My heart stopped when I saw Angel. I stood speaking to a man a few inches shorter than him with light brown hair holding a beer. He wore his trademark leather jacket white shirt and black pants. He did something I rarely if ever saw him do. He smiled. It was a beautifu smile.
"I'll have that with a splash of lemon," Nina joked.
My eyes were still fixed on him. My heart was beating faster. "Okay, so who's going to talk to him first?" Mariel asked.
"I will," I quickly volunteered.
They looked at me surprised.
"We know each other," I explained.
Nina smiled,"Old flame?"
"No, old friend," I said before making my way over to him. At first he didn't notice me. I was completely aware of the other's wathching me. My heat rate increased if that was possible.
"Willow?" he'd finally noticed me.
"Hey," I noticed his shocked and somewhat scared expression on his face. "You look good."
"So do you," he looked me over. "Nice dress."
I looked at my black slip dress,"Thanks."
"Willow, this is Eli. I hunt with him," he introduced.
Eli looked shocked at what angel had said.
"Don't worry I know all about vamires and stuff," I told him.
"Nice to meet you," he shook my hand. "I know Angel has told me about you but I have a bad memory."
"That's okay," I looked at Agel who seemed a bit incomfortable.
"I'll see you later," Eli excused himself before Angel could do anything.
"It's safe to assune everything's good with you," I said.
He nodded lookig everywhere but at me.
"I don't blame you for what happened. It would be so much easier for me to but it would also be wrong."
"Thanks," he murmured.
I coud sense that my presence was making him uncomfortable but I wasn't about to leave. We had to talk.
"Why are you here?" he wanted to know.
"University," I replied vaguely.
"Oh."
"Could we go somewhere to talk?" I asked.
He loked at me unsure of what to do. "Sure."
I didn't bother to tell Nina I was leaving. We exited the club and began to walk down the cool L.A. streets. We didn't say anything at first. I knew he wsn't going to start the conversation si I went ahead. "How come you didn't come back?" I asked. I quickly realized what a dumb question it was.
"I couldn't. Too many things prevented me. What did I have to come back to? I know when I'm not wanted somewhere. I only go when I have to."
"I wouldn't have minded seeing you. I would've likes to know that you were okay."
"You sound like you mean that."
"I do. Who cares about the others I wanted to see you," I emohasized on I.
"I want to thank you for everyhting," he stopped walking he looked at me. "You risked your life when you didn't have to."
"What are friends for?" I smiled.
He started to walk again, "I never thought I'd forgive myself for the things I've done but I've begun to."
"Really?" I was happy for him.
He nodded," In the line of work I do there's not much room for brooding and such. Whistler told me after I'd returned that feeling sorry for myself wan't going to do any good."
"I have a feeling you didn't listen to him at first."
"I didn't but somehow he got through to me. So, I'm sort of better."
"Good," I smiled. "You can't brood forever."
"I"m sorry for everyhting I.....Angelus did," he apologized.
"You can seperate the two now?"
"It's hard, it's a lot easier to blame myself but I'm trying," he replied.
The Angel I saw that night was a changed man. He was happier, he joked around, he wasn't as guilty. I was glad he was making peace with the thing his alter had done. After everything he'd been through he deserved it.
End Part 2
I rang in the new year at Angel's loft drinking fine wine. We had walked for a few minutes, I wanted to know where he was living he decided to show me.
I loved the apartment the moment I set foot in it. For months now I'd been sharing a small space with Nina and here was this large place with all this space. The decoration was a mix of antique and modern. Most os the time the two styles clash but Angel knew how to make them co-exist and accentuate each other.
We talked about the past, mostly about Angelus. I was waiting for him to ask about Buffy but he never did. He didn't ask about the others the conversation was mainly about the both of us.
He noticed that the New Year was only a few minutes, that was when he went for the wine. He poured us a glass began to wait for the clock to hit twelve.
It was like holdidng my breath. During the wait all I could think about was how I never expected this to happen. I wasn't complaining. I was thanking the Goddess in fact.
When the clock hit twelve I smiled at Angel who was smiling back at me.
"Happy New Year's Willow," he said.
"Happy New Year's Angel," I took a sip of the wine.
"What's your resolution?" angel asked.
"Um, do good in school, have fun and live," I responded. "You?"
"Kill as many bad things and live."
I smiled," Living sounds good, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, it does," he agreed.
We talked some more until he thought I should get home. It was four in the morning. The university was only a few blocks from the loft. Angel walked me to the dorm, I told him he didn't have to but he insisted.
"How about we meet for dinner or something," I asked as we approached my door.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"You know where I live," he said with a smile.
"I'll visit," I promised.
Nina was had been waiting for me but had fallen asleep. I decided not to wake her she looked so peaceful. I slipped out of my dress and into my nightgown. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Nina wanted to know everything naturally. I only told her Angel was an old friend from Sunnydale I had a past with. I wasn't really ready to tell her the whole story. She knew little of my life in Sunnydale.
I was anxious to meet with Angel, right after my last class I went to visit him. He hadn't expected me but he said he was glad I came.
I don't know what possesed me but I began to tell him all that occured in Sunnydale after he left. He listened quietly sitting beside me in the couch in his livingroom.
"I'm sorry you guys drifted apart. I thought you'd stay close," he said after I finished. I hadn't yet told him about Buffy and Xander.
"Me too," I muttered.
"There's something else," he sensed.
"Yes," I nodded. I should've remembered Angel's intuitive skills. "I left because I saw Buffy and Xander together. You know together toghether and I couldn't handle it so I left and they were calling saying they were sorry but I just didn't want to talk them. This hurt 'cause I was so in love with Xander, I have been for years," I babbled.
Angel covered my mouth before I could continue. "I understand."
"I know I'm just running away from the problem but I just can't handle seeing them right now."
"I'm not judging you. You do what you feel is right for you."
"Are you hurt?" I asked.
"What?"
"About Buffy being with someone else. Especially Xander. I know you don't like him."
"No, I don't. Willow, I know now that any relationship between Buffy and I would never work out. I'm a vampire and she's the slayer.I'm sorry that Xander didn't return your feelings. He's not the only man in the world. I'm sure there are many men who are very interested. You'll find the one you want."
He spoke with such wisdom and assurance I believed him. I felt a lot better about the situation than I had in months.
Angel and I became close over the weeks. I found that he could be a liar without knowing it. He'd told Buffy he didn't have any friends, he did. Many including Eli and Whistler who cared about him a great deal. Just because you thought you didn't deserve friends didn't mean you didn't have any. Within a month Nina and I had joined Angel, Eli and Whistler hunting for vampires. At first Nina was a bit scared of Angel and Whistler with them being demons but she quickly got over her fear. Sunnydale seemed like a lifetime ago.
I don't know when my feelings for Angel changed from friendship to love. Before I knew what had happened I loved him. I told myself I was repeating myself my falling for a close friend and nothing would come of it, I didn't listen.
Nina saw straight through me as did Eli and Wistler. They all wanted Angel and I to be together. That was fine but did Angel want us to be together.
I got through the school year with flying colours.I passed all my classes and was looking forward to the summer holidays. My parents thought it would be nice if I came to Sunnydale for a while, I refused. They dropped the subject as soon as they'd brought it up over the phone. Summer began slowly but picked up in the second week. Nina and I attended several parties as well as hunted at night. We became more or less like Angel and the rest of the group. We shopped when we got the chance and basically enjoyed life.
"Do you know what I think you should do, tell Angel how you feel."
"Are you drunk?" I asked looking at her from her perch on top of a gravestone.
"Yes," she ran her hands threw her auburn hair. She looked around the graveyard spotting Angel and Eli scouting.
"You only live once."
"No," I protested. "It'll only scare him away. I dodn't want to ruin our friendship."
"Take a chance,Will," she encouraged.
I looked over at Angel who was looking right back at me. I smiled. He smiled back.
"I don't think so."
At the end of the night I didn't know whether or not to kill or thank Nina.
Angel had walked us to the apartment we were sharing for the summer.
"You should come to a party with us sometime, Angel," Nina invited.
"That's alright. I prefer staying at home."
"Your loss," she began to open the door.
"Oh and Willow loves you," she said then disappeared in the apartment before I could say anything.
Angel and I stood shocked for a moment. The feeling of embarrassement crept over me. I couldn't look at him fearing he'd see the truth in my eyes.
"Is that true?" he asked.
I didn't say anything.
"Willow, is she telling the truth?"
I could've lied but that would have been futile. I wasn't saying anything so that must've given him the clue that Nina was telling him the truth.
"Okay, before you day anything let me say this. I am in love with you but it's your fault! You always have to be so mature and understanding. You're the one who's standing there with the good looks. You always have to be so sexy and intriguing and stuff. So,don't blame me."
Angel loked at me then smiled.
"What?" I asked.
He approached me, then pulled me into a kiss. It was unexpected but for those moments I was in heaven. The kiss was nothing like I'd ever experienced. Full of warmth and passion. It was clear he loved me too.
End Part 3
In all my excitement I forgot to tell Angel one important thing. His soul was permanent. The spell Miss Calendar had found wasn't the same as the original. I could've kicked myself when I realized I had made such a mistake. We were able to proceed with our relationship without anything holding us back.
During my time with him I was the happiest I'd ever been. Angel was patient with me, I'd never been in a serious relationship before so I didn't know what I was doing or how to act half the time.
Angel was my first. That was a big step for the both of us. I was nervous as hell. I imagined that everything that could go wrong would go wrong. Again, he was patient and understanding. He went at my pace so I'd be comfortale. It was a great experience. I wouldn't have wanted my first time at having sex any other way.
Soon after that my parents wanted to meet him. I knew they'd like him. Angel's likeable in his own right. He's polite and kind. Every parents dream.
They loved him, My mother kept telling me how cute he was. I wondered if I should be worried.
Because they were leaving I planned to take them out to dinner as a family.
Somehow the topic of discussion became about Buffy and Xander. My mother had brought it up.
"Do you remember that girl you used to hang out with? Bunny Summers."
I almost dropped my fork. "What about her?"
"She came by the house a few days ago. She wanted to know how she could get in touch with you," She replied.
I put down my fork,"Did you tell her where I was?" I was trying to be calm.
"No. I know something bad happened between you two. I didn't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation by telling her where you were living. I know I did the wrong thing when I gave them your aunt's number now. Jody told me about the calls."
"Oh," was all I said.
I wrestled with myself for days after my parents left. I was curious to know what would prompt Buffy to want to see me after all this time. Maybe it was a demon she couldn't handle or maybe it was a lot more serious than that. I didn't tell Angel, somehow I just couldn't. I could've easily gone to Sunnydale without suspicion but in the end I didn't.
Angel and I were married on a warm summer night in June the next year in Ireland. It was a small ceremony with only a few people. My parents couldn't make it because of their jobs.
I remember it like it was yesterday. My wedding gown an original by Vera Wang.
I felt like a princess walking down the aisle. Not only was I in a very expensive dress but also in diamonds. I asked Angel how we were supposed to pay or all of it, he said ot to worry about. I understood.
Nina cried throughout the whole ceremony. I think Whistler did too even though he wouldn't admit it.
I didn't want to marry Angel at first. I didn't want to tie him down. I knew that eventually I would age and eventually I'd die. I didn't want him to go through the process of seeing me grow old and helpless. I didn't want him taking care of me. Angel would never leave until I died, he's too loyal. I tried to make my arguement but he wouldn't let me. Either he'd silence me with kisses, sex, or he'd change the subject all together.
We did talk about it eventually.
"You have two choices," Angel said as we walked through the graveyard on patrol. "They both have the same outcome. Either you marry me or you don't. If you dont I'll still be around we'll still be together and I don't plan on leaving you anytime too soon. I'll still see you grow old."
"I could break up with you," I replied.
He looked hurt when I said this. "You know what I mean. It's not fair to you, Angel. When I get old I won't be able to give you the thigs you need and people will definetely talk when they see us."
"When have I ever cared about what people thought? Willow, no matter what I'll always be older than you."
"Yeah, but you'll always look younger."
"How can I convince you to marry me?" he asked.
"Why is this so important to you?"
"I was raised Roman Catholic. I need to make an honest woman out of you and a honest man out of myself," he replied sheepishly.
"It's the nineties."
"I was born and raised in the eighteen century I can't change that."
"Angel, you don't want to___.
"Willow, do you love me?" he cut me off.
"Of course?"
"Do you want us to be together?"
"Yes."
"It settled. It's my decision to be with you mine only. It's for me to make. I know what I'm getting myself into."
That was the end of it.
I had a honeymoon I'd only seen in movies. We stayed in Ireland, the first few days we rarely stepped out of the honeymoon suite at the hotel in Galway. The next few days were spent sightseeing. I saw where Angel used to live before he was turned, a great manour with acres of land. It was hard for him to be there but I sensed it helped to put some ghosts to rest.
I felt as if my life was truly complete then. I was married, I had friends and I was preparing for my future in the field of computer engineering. It all seemed too good to be true.
I asked my parents not to tell anyone in Sunnydale what had been going on in my life. As far as I was concerned it was none of their business. Also, if it got around that I was married to Angel I was sure it would give Buffy the motivation to find me. The last thing I wanted to do was see her. The feeling of betrayal was still fresh.
Life went on years passed. The vampire population in L.A. was decreasing but the vampires we encountered were a lot vicious than ever. They were more intent on surviving and killing. The local vampire leader had a bounty out on Angel's head. Each demon that tried to kill him would fail but I feared the day one would succeed.
Two years after we were married I began to get sick in the mornings. I shrugged it off as a flu bug. It couldn't be pregnant. Angel was dead and dead peple couldn't have children. That's what I told myself over and over and again.
Nina caught on to what was happening. She convinced me to take a pregnancy test. I told her I was only taking it to prove that was I wasn't.
I was floored when the test came out positive. I couldn't believe it so I took a second which came out positive and a third which also did I had to admit to myself that I was indeed pregnant by the fourth test.
I was sure Angel wasn't going to believe me when I said I never cheated on him. How else could I explain this. I couldn't lie to him, I didn't know if he knew that or not.
I returned
home from Nina's dorm in a state of shock and fear. I
didn't know what
to do.
"What's wrong?" Angel asked when he saw me.
I started crying. I had not intended on getting so emotional.
"It's alright," Angel took me in his arms.
"It's not alright," I sobbed.
"Want to tel me about it?"
That only made me cry even harder.
"Willow, what is it?"
"I'm pregnant," I replied.
"I know."
"What?" I pushed him away.
"I know. I can hear the heartbeat," he said.
"Why didn't you say something?"
He shrugged,"I wanted you to bring it up."
"I didn't cheat on you. Believe me when I say that. I don't understand how this happened. I'll take a lie detector test to prove it. I swear I didn't. I wouldn't do that to you, to us."
Angel covered my mouth with his hand so I couldn't speak. "I believe you."
"You do?" I said when he'd taken his hand away.
He nodded. "Believe it or not these things happen. There have been about fifty recorded cases in the last seventy-five years."
"Fifty-one now," I murmured.
"I've always wanted children," he smiled.
I smiled back.
Having a family was not one of the things I'd thought about til then. It was one of the things I thought I'd have to sacrifice to be with Angel. The prospect of having an offspring with the man I loved thrilled me.
Life was just
too good to be true.
End Part 4
I've heard the saying 'Nothing good lasts forever' but until a year ago I didn't really think about it. It was really strange waking up everyday and seeing my growing stomach. It was something I thought I'd never see. The changes my pregnancy brought were even more stranger. I could no longer walk like I used to. I remember describing my walk as somewhat like a penguin.
I had read up on half-vampire babies with Angel. Our baby was going to have the strenght of a vampire, it wouldn't be able to shift into gameface but it was different with each child whether or not they had fangs or needed to survive on blood. Sunlight wasn't going to a big problem, neither would crosses, garlic or holy water. The halflings were sensitive to sun but not extremely like a vampire. There wasn't a problem we couldn't deal with. Our baby would have the best of both of it's parents worlds.
Sometimes dreams
come true and sometimes nightmares also do.
"Do you feel that?" Nina asked me one night.
I waddled over to where she was sitting on the bed Angel and I shared.
"What?"
She closed her eyes,"Just listen."
Nina was trying to pick up on the energy around us. I began to panic. I tended to panic since I'd gotten pregnant.
"It's not good," she said with her eyes closed.
"What do you mean?"
She opened her eyes and looked at me. "Change," she replied simply.
I took deep breaths to try and calm myself. Nina was a very intuitive
witch. She could pick up on the slightest changes in the energy flows in the air around people that were like markers that something was going to happen.
"Its around here mostly so I'm guessing it has to do with one of us. I hope it isn't you, you don't need any bad changes."
I was breathing unevenly now.
"Oh, I shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry," she apologized noticing my breathing.
"It's probably nothing, nothing to worry about."
"Yeah," Nina didn't sound as if she believed that.
I worried all night even though I tried to calm myself down. I tried to tell myself that nothing was going to happen. I tried to doubt what Nina said. I still worried. I wondered what the change would be and what it would bring. I worried for Angel, for me, and most of all for the baby. It was more important than anything at the moment. I also worried for Nina. What if the change had to do with her? Everything had been going so well for her. She was my friend and no good friend wouldn't about their bestfriend.
I flung myself in Angel's arms when he came through the door at 5:30. I noticed the look of pain on his face.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Stabbed," he replied taking out a large dagger with two curved blades from his jacket. "Hurt like hell."
"Are you okay?"
"Fine. It's only a stab," he looked me over. "You haven't slept, have you?"
"Well, no."
"Why not? That can't be good for you or the baby," he began to lead me towards the stairs to the upper floor. "You shoud get some sleep."
"Only if you put down that thing and come with me."
He smiled," Of course."
He was fine, I was fine, the baby was good, I stopped worrying.
The phone ringing woke me. I sat up looking at the phone on Angel's side of the bed. There was no way I was going to get. I shook him hoping he'd wake up and get it. I realized that was just a dumb idea, nothing could wake Angel short of a marching band and a full symphony orchestra.
I notice the change right then. Angel was hot. Usually he was cold as a cadaver, something I'd slowly gotten used to.
I checked his temperature it had to be about over a live person's body temperature. A fever.
I tried to wake Angel while asking myself how that was possible. Vampires didn't get fevers.
My attempts to wake him failed. I was very afraid by then. I got off the bed crossing the room to the other side to the phone which was still ringing. I answred it.
"Willow, it's Whistler is Angel there?"
"Yeah, but I can't wake him. Something's wrong he has a fever a bad one. Vampires don't get fevers," I was crying over the phone.
"I suspected as much."
"What do you mean?"
"That dagger it's dangerous. Make sure you don't touch it. I'll take the sewer systems to your building. I'll be right there."
I hung up the phone. I turned looking at Angel. He didn't look good suddenly. He was paler than usual. I sat beside him holding his hand.
"Oh, Goddess help me."
Whistler was at the door within twenty minutes. He was serious and ready for business.
"Where's the dagger?" he asked coming into the loft.
"On Angel's desk," I motioned to the desk straight ahead by the far wall.
"How's he
doing?"
"A human wouldn't be able to survive such a fever." I had taken his temperatue, it gone through the roof in only ten minutes.
"He won't either for very long."
"What are you talking about?" my voice quivered as a flood of emotions overtook me.
He moved to the other side of the room to retrieve the dagger.
"There's no easy way to say this, but he's going to die."
"How do you know that?"
"This is the Dagger of Seth. Legend has it, it was fashioned by Seth to kill anyhing it touched. It was one of the weapons he tried to kill Osiris with. I remembered it from an old book."
"What can we do?"
He looked at me sadly,"There's nothing we can do. He's going to die."
My mind refused to accept that. "There has to be something."
"Willow," he began.
"No, he's not going to die. He can't."
"Let's not talk about this now. Every minute counts."
I nodded heading for the stairs.
The next few hours went by in the blur. Nothing could get Angel to wake up. Not even crucifixes placed directly on him. They only made him shift into gameace. Nina came by and tried to uses spells but they wouldn't work either. Eli was in France tracking a demon and couldn't be reached.
I spent hour after hour searching the internet and old dusty books reading up about the dagger and searching for a cue. All I came up with was how Angel was going to die if we didn't find a cure. The fever was going to burn him to death. The process was slow and painful.
I sent Nina out to try to find information at the local Wiccan store but came up empty. The thought crossed my mind to call Giles but I dismissed that idea. He probably would find the same things I found.
By nightfall I was tired, worried and ready to give up hope.
"How much longer does he have?" I asked Whistler looking out the large window that overlooked the streets.
"A few days maybe a few hours."
"I don't understand why he won't wake up."
"I think the pain's too much. Maybe it's better this way. He'll go without feeling anything."
Earlier I would've argued that he wasn't going anywhere but not now.
"Why? Why isn't this happening? We were so happy. I don't want my baby to grow up without a father," I'd told myself I wasn't going to cry I was going to be strong for my family's sake.
Some things just happen."
"Don't give me that."
"They do but they happen for a reason. It's his time and when your number's called there's nothing you can do about. He's fulfilled his destiny."
"What is it? You seem to know so much," I shot at him. I hated the way he was being so calm.
"Isn't it obvious," he looked at my stomach. "Know this Willow your kid's going to do a lot of good. He's special his, destiny is set."
I didn't know what to say.
Nina came down the stairs at that moment. "He's awake and in a lot of pain. He's asking for you."
"Thanks," I offered her a smile. I knew she felt a bit guilty for predicting the whole thing.
I was nervous I didn't know what to say or what to do. I didn't want him to see me such a mess. Tears still fresh on my face and obviously scared.
He was on his back looking at the door when I entered the room. He smiled when he saw me.
"Hey," I made my way over to him. I sat beside him.
"I'm going to die," he said without hesitation. "The Dagger of Seth. That's what it was right?"
"Yeah," I replied softly.
He closed his eyes as a wave of pain came over his body. I felt the intense heat radiate from his body.
"You shouldn't be near me. Too hot."
I laughed,"You were always a hot one one."
He smiled then frowned. "I'm sorry I'm leaving you like this. I don't want to."
"I know you don't want to."
"It's hopeless. I'm going to die. I know you don't accept that but you have to. I don't want this to be any harder than it has to be," he closed his eyes. The air temperature around him increased.
"I don't want you to," I looked away hoping to hide my tears.
"I'm going to anyways. I wish I could stay and watch you have our baby, watch you the be the great mother I know you will be. But I can't. I only want you to do a few things."
"Anything," I turned to him despite my tears.
"Love our baby and gve it the best but don't spoil him. I was spoiled before I was turned and I didn't amount to much.
Live each day to the fullest and I guess this is a bit selfish but don't forget me. What we had. I thought at one time I'd never find someone the way you have. You trust me so much. Nobody has trusted me that way because of what I am but you didn't identify me as being a vampire like most people do. I was a person you've always done that.
Thank you."
I wanted to throw my arms around him but I knew if I did I'd likely be burned. I couldn't even say goodbye thae way I wanted to.
"All my money's yours I made sure of that a long time ago. All my houses and estates. There's a disk in my drawer that tells about all my accounts."
"I don't care about the money," I sobbed.
"You might need it. Anything can happen. Tell our baby I love him or her. I love you."
"I love you too and I won't forget you or what we had. I couldn't."
"Goodbye," he smiled weakly.
"Goodbye," I could barely make out the word.
Angel closed his eyes. The temperature became too hot for me to handle. I got up moving to the side of the room never taking my eyes off him. Slowly his body began to turn to dust as if he had just been staked but the air told otherwise.
I sat on the floor looking at the bed covered in ashes. Numb was the only feeling he had. I sat frozen, the earth has stopped moving at that moment.
Shouting was never something I did but at the moment it seemed the perfect release.
I closed my eyes tightly and screamed my lovers name.
End Part 5
"Willow! Open this door right now. I'll break it down if I have to and you know I can and will if neccessary. Wilow!"
I awoke to Whistler pouding on the bedroom door. I didn't remember anything at first but looking at the ashes beside me it all came back. After Angel had died I'd locked myself in the room just for the need to be alone with Angel's ashes. Memories were all I had of him now. There wouldn't be anymore walks on the beach in the moonlight or trips to Venice Beach, no dates, dinners. Nothing was left except the memories and the comming of his child. The thought of our baby comforted me a bit. I had fallen asleep a while later from exhaustion.
"Willow, I know it hurts but we can help," Nina's voice was soft.
I sighed hoping this was all a bad dream and I'd wake up in Amgel's arms and He'd tell me he wasn't going to die or leave me any time soon. I closed my eyes hoping to wake myself, when I opned them the only thing next to me were the ashes. I felt like a part of me had been suddenly cut off. I was bleeding and the wound hurt like hell. Nothing compared to this pain, not the pain of Xander rejecting me or the pain of finding him and Buffy together. That was miniscule compared to this.
"Willow, maybe we could talk. Talking helps."
"I don't want to talk," I told her. "I want Angel back."
"I can't deliver that," Nina said sadly.
"Then go away," I told her.
"You can't stay in there forever. You need food and stuff. You and the baby need that." "I'll come ut whrn I'm ready."
"That's going to be a long time. You're not even ready to face Buffy and Xander after all these years I doubt you'll be eady to leave."
"Shut the hell up!" I yelled.
"Well, it's true. You'll never be ready to leave that room, but you have to. Angel wouldn't want this." "I feel like if I leave, I'm leaving him behind. I know it's stupid, but that's how I feel." The tears were gathering in my eyes. "It's not stupid. Each person feel's different as far as grief is concerned. When I was little my mom died.
She was the one who
taught me about Wicca. Some spirit she'd envoked killed her. To be close
to her I used to lock myself in her closet just to feel close to her, but
I knew I couldn't keep going in that closet just as you can't stay in that
room forever." My tears were for the both of us now. Nina had never spoke
about her family or her past life, she'd said she didn't want to talk about
her past. "Willow, please
come out."
Somehow, I mustered the strenght and walked to the door, opening it I saw Nina's delighted but sad face. She puled me into a hug. "It's going to be alright," she promised. "It's going to get better." "Not anytime soon though, I know that."
After I'd showered and eaten we began to make plans for Angel's funeral. I asked Whistler if he would want his ashes buried in Ireland. He replied that Ireland was the home of the unchanged Angelus, his home was with me in L.A. I broke down crying. I had all Angel's money.
That meant his final resting place was going to be lovely. I was not about to give him a gravestone or scatter his ashes. I was going to build a place where I could take our child to and shw him or her where it's father was buried. I was going to honour him the way he should've been in life. He risked his life for countless people, went to hell to save the world enduring pain beyond anyone's imagination and never once received a thank you. This was my way of thanking him. My grief turned to determinatin as I worked with contractors and builders on how to make this sort of a temple. I knew some of them most of thought I was sick or obsessed. My only reply to that was their worthless asses would've been in hell if it wasn't for my husband.
"I think this is good for you," Nina told me one afternoon as I stood by the window looking out.
"It is, he deserves this."
"What's going on in that head of yours? I know you cry yourself to sleep every night. I feel you crying. In the morning you're super charged and full of energy."
"I have all this anger inside me. It's what makes me so charged but it's one of the things that make me cry at night. I keep going to the past, I think about Sunnydale.
I think about the first time he cane into my room looking for help. I liked having him in my room. I realise something now. I was in love with him since I met him. Every girl who saw him fell in love immediately but back then he only had eyes for Buffy. I was too busy fawning over xander to acknowledge my feeligs for him. I ask myself what if I had and made a move what would have happened?"
"He would've returned the feelings. I never told you, but he was in love with you the minute he saw you but he knew how you felt about Xander, so he didn't try to make a play for you . He concentrated on Buffy instead. What he felt for Buffy the moment he saw her was lust but when he saw you it was love. He told me that before you got married."
I smiled despite my tears,"I feel like a fool. If I'd taken the chance........I don't know."
"Don't dwell on it. He's gone but only physically. His soul is still with you."
"I feel like somehow the Goddess had betrayed me. I don't understand why she let this happen. What is it, when you fulfill your destiny your not needed anymore. Your purpose is served so you're dead."
"I don't know. I
don't know. When my moher died I just saw it as something that happened
I didn't question."
"But I am. I doubt I'll find the anwers," I turned away from the window.
The tomb Angel's ashes were finally laid to rest in was finished before the birth of our baby, roughly a week before. It was a sight to behold in the cemetary. It was a small structure fashioned like the Parthenon. There were two angels guarding the entrance way, one male one female. Trees on either side of the structure, ivies were planted all around. Inside the floors were marble. I hired a painter to paint a scene from The Tempest one of Angel's favourite books. In the middle was a small square box where his ashes were to be put.
The ceremony to lay him to rest was at night. I was surprised at the turn out. I guess word had gotten around that angel had died. People who knew him came to pay their respects. Vampires came to pay respects to the mighty Angelus who had fallen. Their presence irratated me but I let them stay since I was too drained to argue or fight. Lastly Giles. I was stunned when I saw him in his tweed suit standing next to another man.
"Hello, Willow," he greeted me after the ceremony when the people began to depart.
"Hi. How've you been?"
"Fine. I'm very sorry for your loss."
I looked at him with confusion, then it hit me. "You know."
He nodded,"The counsel informed me. I was not that surprised mind you. I've heard all about your adventures. "
"How?"
"The counsel has been watching Angel for safety purposes ."
"I guess now they have nothing to worry about. He's dead, I'm sure you're all ecstatic. One less demon you have to deal with." I was angry.
"I imagine they see it that way," he said.
"I imagine they do. How about you? I know you wanted to kill him when he came back and don't lie to me. I guess you got your wish."
"This does nothing for me. Yes, I wanted him dead when he first came back. I hated him for killing Jenny."
"He did not kill her, Angelus did," I corrected. "The only things my husband has ever killed were vamires and that that bug when he was seven."
Giles stared at me shocked. I did't know whether it was from my outburst or from the fact that I knew such a personal thing about Angel.
"I'm sorry," he apologised. "I guess I haven't forgiven him yet."
"You can't forgive because there is nothing to forgive. He didn't do anything wrong . Why are you here?"
"Do you know who killed Angel?"
"No. but we're working on it. Why?"
"I believe that is why I'm here. Allow me to introduce myself . Wesley Whyndam Price," the man beside Giles extended his hand.
I looked at it then at him. He was tall and stuffy looking with a slight build brown hair and eyes. He wore a black suit and black rimmed glasses.
"What are you The Counsel: Next Generation."
"I offer my condolences. This is a tragedy."
"What do you know about Angel's death?" It was the only thing I wanted to hear from this man.
"Well, Angelus___."
"Angel," I corrected.
"The Watcher's Counsel thought it best to eliminate him. A demon that has come back from hell is capable of things we didn't want to experience. We had the oppurunity and we took it. We has to wait a while but we got our chance ," he said proudly.
I stared at him with disgust and shock. I couldn't speak. My brain slowly interpreted the information. The watcher's Counsel had killed Angel.
"I should've known," Whistler stood beside me. "I always knew you bastards couldn't be trusted. You pride yourselves on being so much better than the things you kill but you are just at their level."
"It was neccessary. He was a risk. Demons who come back from hell usually end up slaughtering people by the thousands."
"Angel wasn't doing that."
"But how long before he'd start? Demons who return from hell may seem stable but aren't. It was recorded that a demon who once returned from ell was in a dormant period of up to a decade until he killed a whole village."
"I thought you should know," Giles spoke. "I wanted to give you closure. You deserve that."
"Go away. Now. Back to Sunnydale back to your idiot slayer back to your own life and leave mine the hell alone! Who were you to play God? Angel was not a risk, his soul was permanent. Jenny made sure of that." Giles flinched when I said it.
"Did you ever think of what this would do to me? His child has to grow up without knowing it's father. I can't believe you people." Giles looked at the ground.
"I know that Angel would've died one way or another when he was supposed to, but by the same people he respected and wanted to please,"
Whistler shook his head. "You've got no right to be here. Leave."
"Very well then." Giles looked at me. "Buffy knows of his death, she's not taking it very well . She knows nothing of your relationship. I suggest it be kept that way."
"You're still here? Are you deaf?"
Giles sighed then turned to walk away with Wesley in tow.
Giles must have realised how much I'd grown over the years. I was no longer shy, no longer a doormat. I didn't take anything from anyone and he was no exception. Angel brought out the strong side of me I had buried within me, being weak wasn't going to get me anywhere.
Of all the people in Sunydale he and Amy were the only one's I missed. Now, it as only Amy. If Giles knew of the counsel's plans, which I'm sure he did, he would've tried to stop them if he cared about me at all. He betrayed me. Betrayal was not what I expected from Giles.
I was seeing up front what anger and hate could do to peope. Blind them so much they couldn't see straght, that they'd stand by and let someone be murdered.
I decided to let go all of mine then. I had no use for it. I wasn't going to allow it to control or blind me. Angel would't have wanted that.
End Part 6
Letting go
of your anger is easier said than done. It's really hard. Just because
you say you're going to let it go doesn't mean you have or you're going
to. That was the case. How could I let go of my anger? The man I'd love
was dead because one of my oldest friend's thirst for vengeance.
I was angry and hurt and I was so afraid of all the anger I had inside. I didn't understand it and I really wanted to. I was so scared I'd turn out like Giles. I wanted him dead in every sense of the way. Eli even offered to do the job. Angel had helped him in so many ways. At times I wanted to say go ahead but my guilty conscience prevented me. I wondered what the hell had happened to Giles'.
Cian Kieran Angel Rosenburg was born not too long after. He was the most beautiful baby. Maybe I thought that way because he was my own. I picked out an irish names to represent half of his background and because of his father.
I knew he was going to be a beautiful young man. He had this mat of dark hair and his eyes were the most beautiful shade of green yet they had the depth of Angel's eyes. I think I must have stared into them for a full minute. They just drew me in. Looking at him reminded me of Angel. I cried when I was alone in my hospital room because I missed him so much.
I was more afraid than anything of what sort of parent I would be. I didn't want to do the whole parenting thing alone. I didn't know how to care for a baby let alone a half vampire. I had read all the parenting books and I still didn't know what to do.
I asked Nina to stay the first week with me after I took Cian home. That week I learned what I needed to know to care for him. Cian needed blood to survive. He wold take milk from me but blood was also a requirement. He was very nocturnal and I could deal with that since I was used to being awake at night. He didn't cry much only when he needed to be changed, fed, or needed something else. He loved to play. That's when I noticed he was more coordinated than any baby should be after birth.
I stood back and looked at him one day. This was the baby who was going do a lot of good and had a role in the bringing of the future according to Whistler. I couldn't have been more proud. If only Angel could be watching with me.
At two months Cian began to crawl and make sounds. He was extraordinary. There was no other time I was most afraid for him. Cian's strenght matched my own and there was no doubt that he would get stronger. Being a baby he pulled at things destroying them all together. He got lucky on several occasions when he could've hurt himself.
When he opened a kitchen drawer and accidently cut himself with a knife I noticed his healing abilities. The cut was deep but when I looked at it after finding the first aid kit it was gone. I had to explain to him what and what not to do around the house. He understood.
Life was as normal as it could get. I dropped University to be with my son and I was content. Happy? Of course not. I missed my husband with every cell in my body. When I was alone or I had nothing on my mind my thoughts would drift back to Angel. The pain, anger, and hurt would come back.
Those moments were my lowest. I felt as if I were in a hole and I didn't know how to get out.
Whenever I heard Cian crying or I thought about him everything seemed alright.
I received a frantic call fom my father only a day ago. My mother had been in an accident. Some drunk driver had jumped a curb and hit her while she was taking a walk.
I silently grieved for her but not the way a real daughter should. We never really had any type of a relationship. She was always working while I was growing up so we never developed a bond. I was sorry she'd died but I didn't feel as bad as I should've.
I knew I had to go back. I didn't want to but I knew I had to. I had to go back and see the people who betrayed me and my husband's murderer. I knew that this trip was going to change things once again. I was being almost forced to confront all my demons because I knew I wouldn't do it voluntarily.
End Part 7
"This is one of the hardest things I've had to do," I confessed to Nina as I drove the sleek Benz Convertible Angel had given to me as a present.
'Nothing but the best for my little tree' he'd said.
Nina gave me a sympathetic smile from the passenger seat. I was driving her back to her apartment then I would be beginning my trip to Sunnydale.
"How the hell am I supposed to do this? I know for a fact I'm going to see them and when I don't want see them all I'll want to do is chop their heads off."
"Well, take it as it comes. No doubt this is going to be a challenge. I heard this once and I don't remember if I've told you before. You've got to raise your ghosts before you can bury them."
"Yeah, I guess."
After dropping Nina
off I drove onto the highway out of the city. In my rearview mirror I looked
back at the beautiful place I called home, then looked ahead at the road
that seemed like it was leading me to hell.
Cian slept the whole trip, never once waking to cry or to feed. He must have known I needed him to be that way. When I pulled into the town limits it was morning and I was trying to put off sleep as best as I could.
The town hadn't changed at all. I passed Restfield Cemetery, it was so much more beautiful in the day. Sunnydale High was the same. The students were on the lawn waiting for the bell. I could almost see Buffy, Xander, and myself in the crowd.
My street looked the same even smelled the same of trees and dogs and cats. It could only mean Mrs. Woods, my neighbor with her zoo of animals was still alive.
As I pulled into my driveway my stomach was in knots. It had been so long since I'd seen my old house. It looked the same in all respects but it didn't feel like *my* home anymore. I knew where that was.
I took Cian out of his child seat with his baby bag closing the car door with my foot. Cian woke because of all the commotion but did not cry.
"Willow, is that you?" my father came outside walking to the driveway. His face lit up when he saw me.
"Hey, dad." I could see that mom's death was affecting him greatly. He had dark circles under his eyes. His clothes were disshelveled and I knew he hadn't slept.
"Is that my grandson. He's so grown up," he smiled at Cian.
"It's been a while since we last saw each other."
He and mom had visited about two times after Angel had died for about a day each time.
"Um, so how are things?" I guess that was sort of a dumb question but I had nothing else to say.
"I never saw this comming not in a million years. She said she needed some fresh air and the next time I see her she's at the morgue," his face became haggard. I felt so bad for him. I knew nothing I said would make him feel better.
"Is this how you felt when Angel died?"
I closed my eyes not wanting to be reminded. I had to be strong for my father. I couldn't break down.
I simply nodded.
"Does the pain ever end?"
"I don't know," I replied softly.
"We should probably get you inside you look tired."
I nodded wanting to get inside.
I noticed
that Cian was distracted. He was looking behind me and nowhere else. I
turned wanting to know what had gotten my son's
attention.
"Willow?"
I thought it was my eyes playing tricks at first but it wasn't. Buffy stood just a few feet from me. She looked the same but also different. She was older. Her hair fell past her shoulders in waves almost the lenght of my own. She was sophisticated more womanly. Beautiful.
"Buffy," I
could barely manage her name out.
End Part 8
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