Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Any characters associated with the television show Buffy the Vampire Slayer are all the property of Joss Wheadon and staff at Mutant Enemy. Please, I'm begging you don't sue!!
Summary: Willow's angstin' while watching Angel.
Spoiler: Takes place during Graduation Part 2. So, if you haven't seen it not sure if you should read this.
Warning: MAJOR ANGER AND ANGST AHEAD.
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It's sort of hard to believe he's going to die. He's supposed to outlive all of us, our children and our children's children. I don't know maybe Buffy will find Faith and cure him. I have a feeling she won't, then what? Being who she is she'll offer him her blood, he's too stubborn to even think of biting her, he loves her too much to do that.
Oh, great I'm crying about him. What's the score now? Right. Three hundred,fifty-two. I'm not supposed to be crying. Oz is in the next room right outside those curtains. If he comes in and sees me he'll now something's up and I can't lie to him not since I cheated on him. I don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth.
The biggest lesson I've learnt growing up is that life's just not fair to the little guy. I'm continuously caught in a cycle. I see something I want and someone else always takes it. Buffy told me Faith's motto. Want. Take. Have. The problem with me is I just can't take and have what doesn't want me. Does that even make sense?
I can't help but be jealous of Buffy. It seems she always gets what I want. Xander's undying attention is one of them. He'll do anything for her in his own twisted way. Everything he does is because he wants her. It was never like that when we were fooling around. I figure Cordelia and I were just poor substitutes for Buffy, that's why the relationships never would've worked out anyway.
Buffy got the mom that actually pays attention to her. Though when you think on Joyce Summers the phrase 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions' just pops up. Atleast she has good intentions, Sheila doesn't even know the names of my friends. Bunny Summers??
She gets the sacred duty, the purpose in the world. That's a lot more than most people get. Let's not forget a destiny. What pisses me off is she's always bitching and moaning about how she wants to be normal. Oh, please. When she lost her powers she wanted them back so fast. You didn't hear her saying "I'm going to Disneyland now.'
Buffy wouldn't be who she is without her powers. I would've thought she'd realised that when on her eighteenth birthday.
Let's see what else she gets that I want. Angel. I'm supposed to watching him. Making sure he's okay. He's not okay, he's in pain and he's dying and I can't do a damn thing. I tried to find a spell or something so *I* could help him but Buffy's the only one who can help him. Do I sound bitter. Of course I do. I've had enough of all this quite frankly.
I love Angel with everything in me. NOT like I loved Xander. That was a yearning. With Angel it's different. It's like I've died and gone to heaven when I'm around him. I get funny feeling in my stomach and it gets all knotty. I just want to be in his arms. I dream about him alot, too much sometimes. I thought it was just infatuation with my bestfriend's boyfriend or just lust for an older man but if it's just that. Why do I act the way I do? I always invite him to go places with us, I always include him, I always stand up for him and most of all I always forgive him. Buffy still hasn't forgotten what happened with Angelus and I don't think she's forgiven either.
He only has eyes for Buffy though. I don't know why. She forgets her real friends whenever it becomes a trend to start hanging out with skanky hoes who were built to do it with whoever's walking, breathing or not.
Even though I didn't show it I was furious when Buffy told me Faith and Angel could be sleeping together. All I could think about was here's another girl who gets what I want, skanky as she might be. A part of me refused to believe it, the part that gave Buffy the advice and another part knew it could be true. He did sleep with her when he pretended to be Angelus. I thought ny heart was breaking but in time I forgave him. If he hadn't done Faith would've known he was faking. Buffy couldn't see it that way so she said she needed space. I ask myself why would she need space? What they really needed was to talk but she didn't want to talk she wanted space!!
He's like me in a way. We let people walk all over us. Angel lets Xander taunt him when he knows he could break his neck and he lets Buffy dump him whenever she can't handle who he is or she gets into one of those moods to be normal. Hello, you'll always be the slayer you'll never be normal, and he always takes her back. We're the dependable ones, the ones who are responsible. We have to act this way or something's wrong with us. When my alter came they were shocked. I was thinking why? Can't I be sexy and alluring? Guess not.
I need this really. I can't let this feelings stay inside me forever.
I'm getting angry I can feel it.
I know I'm supposed to be in love with Oz, we just had sex. It was nice but it wasn't what I wanted. In my head all I kept seeing was Angel. I was careful enough not to get too deep into my head so I wouldn't call ou Angel's name. I don't want to hurt Oz.
I never get the things my heart wants. I'll never have the man I love. I'll never have a bestfriend I can fully trust and not be jealous of. Life's not fair.
The End