Author: Autumn's Gem
E-Mail: weeks@skamania.net
Rating: PG-13
Distribution: None.
Disclaimer: Joss owns all, I own nothing.
Summery: Buffy's POV on Willow and Angel's Relationship.
Spoilers: The Whole Series until Enemies.
Author's Notes: Earshot never happened. Buffy never got over it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It hurts. I won't lie. Why should I? This is confidential right? I still love him. I don't mean in a 'what we once had was special' sort of way, I mean in love with him. No matter who I call my boyfriend, no matter who I have sex with, no matter how much I lie to my friends or them, my heart belongs to him.
Whose him you ask. Angel, of course. I think he knows that I still love him. You know, I think he's even sorry for me. I think he even cares for me as a friend. I think he wants me to be happy. But none of that is enough to make him want to be with me, and leave her.
You're confused right? Weren't Buffy and Angel meant to be? Wasn't they're love supposed to last forever and defy all odds? That was how it was supposed to be. I wanted so bad to believe that. No matter what anyone said, including him, we were meant to be as far as I was concerned. And I think at one point he did too. I think at one point, he would have done anything that fantasy into a reality because he loved me so much.
The irony is, in the end, it was my fears, lack of trust, and insecurities that drove him away. It hurts to admit that, even to a diary, but in the end, it was my fault. Hell couldn't keep us apart, but I managed it well enough. I couldn't accept that-not at first anyway. For a while, I blamed everyone else. Faith, Giles, the mayor, Angel, Willow, but never myself.
It was after Angel had pretended he had lost his soul, and be attracted to Faith. It was my idea so we could get some info about the major.
Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, but me and Angel could never be together-I mean truly together. Kissing was as far as we could go, and watching Faith and him kiss her of all people was like watching him have sex with another girl right in front of me. And to be honest, the things he said really hit a nerve. Did he still hate me for sending him to hell? Had he ever understood why I'd done it? And lastly, it was my worst fear. Angelus coming back. I'd had so many nightmares about that.
I needed space. My first mistake in this whole mess. Instead of talking to him about it, getting assurance, I needed space. It hurt him. He tried to hide it, but my silent refusual to trust him enough to let him heal my wounded heart was the beginning of the end for him. Neither of us knew it, but it was the beginning of the end for the Buffy/Angel saga.
At the time, I didn't think I was ending it. I simply needed some time and some space to lick my wounds. Oh hell. I didn't want that. I was playing a game. I could never admit that until now, but a game it was. I wanted him to stop me. I wanted him to take me in his arms, kiss me, and assure me of his affections. He didn't. I was stunned. But it was too late to take it back. If I wanted to save face, I had to leave. He would pursue me...he didn't.
After I left, I called Willow up, and dutifully, she came over and listened to my sob story. We'd done this rotinue before. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was me. This time it was me. I didn't admit to what I was trying to get when I told him I needed space, but she was smart enough to figure it out I think. She never said as much, but she had it figured out.
How many times did she encourage me to pick up the phone and talk to him, ask him what I what to know? At least a dozen times. But I didn't do that. I wanted him to pursue me.
But as the weeks past, I grew lonely for him. Why wasn't he pursuing me? So, I sent Will over to talk to him. How grade school! 'Go see if the other boy likes me' is so third grade. She didn't want to, I could see that. But being the great friend she is, she agreed.
When she came back, she gave me the same exact advice. 'Go talk to him Buffy. He misses you.'
But I was spoiled. As far as I was concerned, if he missed me, he'd come to me!
Willow was going over there a lot. At first I didn't notice, but I called her once, and her mom answered and said she was over at a guy name Angel's. Then the next night, Will canceled Bronzing because her and Angel wanted to see this movie.
They were spending a lot of time together. Too much for my liking. Looking back, I realized I liked Angel all to myself. I was his whole world, and I loved it. He worshiped the ground I walked on, and I encouraged it. Yes, Angel spoiled me rotten without even meaning to.
Maybe that's why he liked Willow. She wasn't spoiled, she appreciated the little things that I didn't anymore. She didn't take him for granted. She didn't need to be his whole world. She was grateful just to be his friend. Though what me and Angel had was intense and amazing, we were never friends. Him and Willow had something we'd never had.
Anyway, that made me jealous. But what could I say 'Stay away from him?' I'd look like a jealous bitch, even to Giles, and his opinion meant a lot to me.
And then it developed into something more. I can't say when or how it happened since I wasn't there. I'd seem them together, but they seemed like good friends only. So I was shocked when I caught them kissing in Willow's living room. I crept out before they could see me.
I can tell you right now that it didn't look like a first kiss. They were very comfortable with each other, it was obvious they'd been doing it for a while. But they didn't have that closeness like they'd slept together either.
I guess it shouldn't have been surprising. Willow had just broke up with Oz a week ago, and they were spending so much time together. Duh! It had totally gone over my head, I was so wrapped up in Angel not pursuing me and him being friends with Willow that I had barely remembered.
I needed someone to talk to. I guess it was fate that I ran into Cordy. She was friends with Xander and all of us again. It wasn't like it was before, but it was getting better.
She could tell I was upset, and took me back to my place so we could talk. Over a cup of coca, I poured my heart out to her. Hell, I think I would have poured my heart out to Spike I was so upset. To my surprise, Cordelia listened carefully without interupting, and although she was silent, I could see the wheels turning in her head.
When I finished my tale of woe Cordelia spoke quietly. "Let me get this straight. You needed space from Angel to deal with everything. Despite Will's nagging, you refused to see him and deal with your issues. They start a friendship, which obviously has turned to something more. You caught them, and you're upset. Is that right?"
I nodded. Her face was noncommital, and so was her voice. "Well, it may hurt, but you have to accept it." She sounded matter-of-fact.
"But-I can't!" I cried.
"Look, they may care about you, but if you refuse to accept it, you'll just lose two good friends."
She was right. So I did. I gave my blessing and stood back.
He loves her. I mean, he loved me, but that was different.
With us, it was desperate and passionate. All heat and glory. He always looked at me with a mixture of lust, need, and love. A slayer and a vampire. An equal match. For a battle, not a romance.
With them it's gentle and sweet. All warmth and contentment. He looks at her with a mixture of joy, gentleness, and love. A computer hacker and a vampire. A perfect match for a romance.
I've watched them kiss. Okay, spyed on them would be more to the point. When he kisses her, it's so gentle, so warm. With when we kissed it was rough and hot. That was what making love to him was like. Hot and rough. I had bruises on my skin for weeks.
I'm not saying that she doesn't stir passion within him. But he can content himself with being gentle. He doesn't mind holding back. With me, he wasn't afraid to let go. I envy that he cares enough to want to be gentle with her.
In fact, I envy Willow in general. I want to be her. God, I never thought I'd say that. But I do.
After the ascension, we were given the gift of Eternal Youth and Health. Okay, we stay young forever, and can't get a disease, but if we get hit by a truck, we're dead. Other than, we're normal. And we can have kids.
Whoever we marry, will share our gift. Not a marriage in the legal sense, but a marriage in the souls. They're is no divorice for that.
Cordlelia and Xander got back together. It's different. They're totally in love, and totally unashamed of that fact. They treat each other with a respect and trust that was lacking before.
My mother and Giles got together. They got married in the souls, and now my mom's gonna live forever if she doesn't get hit by a truck.
Me? Well, my first lover after Angel was Oz. It was a week after I saw Angel and Willow kissing. It was one night. It wasn't amazing. Pleasant would be the better word for it. It was our way of healing. My next fling was Parker. Then Riley. I don't love him, but I care for him. I don't intend for him to be 'Mr. Right' he's just someone to be with to chase away the night.
It's been a year since high school was over. Willow attended college in Sunnydale. Angel and her gave the mansion a make-over. It looks great.
Xander and Cordelia didn't go to college. Cordelia opened her own clothing store, and Xander owns his own restruant.
Although Willow lives in the dorm with me, she stays over at Angel's most of the time. They aren't sleeping together. They love each other, but they don't have that look. You know the 'we're lovers' look. But it's close. They're on the edge and sooner or later, they'll go over.
Willow doesn't talk about Angel to me. I can't fool her. She knows I love him. She wishes I was more happy, but not enough to leave him.
And part of me hates her for that.
A part of me wants to try to break them up. And I've considered it. To be honest, if I thought I could get him back, I would. I'm ashamed of the fact, but despite the pain it would cause Willow, I would. The thing is, everyone including them knows it.
Me and Willow are still friends but she's grown closer to Cordelia and the gap between us gets wider every single day. Hah! Cordelia? I thought that those two hated each other. I mean, Cordelia picked on Willow for years, and then Willow and Xander had that...thing where they kissed. And now they're buddies? It's still hard for me to accept.
But this is my life. Ain't it great?
The End