Feedback: That'd be swell. :)
Spoilers: None, really.
Rating: G.
Summary: Willow's dying wish is granted when Buffy comes to see her for the first time since they parted company in Sunnydale three years before. Lottsa angst. And I do mean lots. Just all angst.
Distribution: Just ask.
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Willow's eyes snapped open. She gasped for breath, the tube in her throat almost choking her. She struggled to calm herself, blurred vision stopped her seeing anything and it only increased her panic.
Beside her, Buffy stroked her hand. "Ssshhh." She leaned towards her, "Will? Willow? It's okay. I'm here."
At the sound of her best friends' voice, she felt her resolve steady a little. She tried to whisper, "Buffy?"
"Yes. I'm here, Will." Tears wet Courtney's eyes. It had been a long time since she'd seen Willow. Almost three years, she thought. All through high school, Willow had been her best friend. < God, more than that. >
Willow had given up the chance to go to College at Harvard and Oxford and a hundred other places that were better, safer, than Sunnydale to stay with her. But things had changed unexpectedly. Giles found a loophole in the whole Hellmouth scenario and they'd closed it. Forever. And Buffy had done something she regretted every day since. She'd left Sunnydale. Run away to find herself another Hellmouth. Another life. Giles had followed her. And Xander, eventually. Until Willow and Oz were all that remained of the Scooby Gang. Although one day, Oz left too. Determined to find a way to end life as a Werewolf, and start again as a normal, non-shape changing human.
Buffy and Willow had remained in touch through all of it… Until one day, when the phone calls stopped and there were no more letters to receive. And neither one knew why. It was just how it was.
"You came?" Willow forced a weak smile, but with the tube in her mouth, it made it difficult. She wanted to say so much, and was heart-broken she could say so little. She'd made her mother send for Buffy, but was surprised that she had come. When the letters had stopped, she had figured the friendship had too. But now, by her bedside, holding her hand, was the friend she had always loved more than life itself. Buffy's voice was warm and gentle, like she had never changed Willow thought,
"I'll just tell the doctor that you're awake, okay?"
Willow tried to answer, but the words stuck in her throat.
Buffy told her quietly, "It's okay. Just hold on one second." She leant forward and put her lips to Willow's forehead, then left the room.
Willow had so much to tell her. She didn't know where to begin. She didn't want to tell her about University, how she'd finally gotten herself a degree and a start in the world of big business, or how'd she'd finally really, truly become a Witch. She didn't want to talk about her new friends, the ones who hadn't visited her since she had gotten sick. They sent cards, flowers, and warm wishes with her parents, but none came to see her. She knew the next time she would see them would be her funeral, as she watched from a place she knew nothing about. There were things Buffy needed to know. Things from the past. About the night the one thing they had shared passionately had died. After years of silence, the truth had to be known, and although she knew she would isolate Buffy from her forever, she wanted her to know. She wanted her to know everything. Willow sighed, a muffled gasping sound. First, the tube had to go. As long as it remained firmly implanted in her throat, feeding her life, she could tell Buffy nothing.
Dr. Thomas entered the room, Buffy hanging concerned by his side. "Nice to see you awake, Will." He smiled warmly, stopping by the side of the bed and checking the first piece of equipment that stood, mechanically miserable, by her. Cords ran from it onto her chest where small pads clung to her skin and monitored her heartbeat.
Willow pushed the first words she desperately wanted to say from her lips, "Dr? Can I..." Her voice was weaker than she was. From the corner of eyes she could see the pain even her voice was causing Buffy. She gasped and pushed on, "Speak to you alone?" She turned her head awkwardly towards Buffy, "Not personal." She gasped again.
"No problem." Buffy smiled at her friend, pure love was in her eyes, "I'll wait in the hall." Though she did not want to leave her, she knew she could not hover by Willow forever. She had already been there three days. She wondered if Willow knew that. Occasionally she had opened her eyes, and Buffy was sure Willow knew she was there, but before she could say anything, she had slipped back into her wretched stupor.
As Dr. Thomas checked the last of the machines, he gazed at Willow, puzzled. "What can I do for you?"
Words were beyond her again, so she raised her hand, slowly, painfully, touching the tube. Tears fell from her eyes, she pushed for at least a word, "Take." Her hand fell beside her again, she was exhausted already. The concerned medical face she had come to think of affectionately, paled before her.
"Willow, you want me to remove the tube?" His voice was soft. She almost didn't hear him. When she nodded her reply, he paled a little more. Taking a seat, he took her hand. "Willow, if I remove the tube, you might die while I'm taking it out."
She pushed for more words, "I... Know..." He was confused. For weeks, she had been desperately clinging to life. There was something she needed to do, that was what she had told him. Then he realized. Buffy had never visited before. Dr. Thomas felt mortified for her. Buffy didn't know it, but Willow had been waiting for her. It was Buffy she wanted to see before she died. He fought tears of his own. Willow had been so sick for so long, and everyone was still hoping she'd get better. But just as he had known about a month before, she knew now. She was going to die. But she was going to die on her own terms.
His voice floated across to her again, "Are you sure, Willow? Really sure?"
She nodded again. "I'll just have to get a nurse to assist me." He sounded as weak as she did. "I'll be back."
"Prom... Promise?" She forced the words again.
"Yes. Yes I do." He touched her cheek. She watched him go.
Tears fell from her eyes as she said a prayer, not only in her mind, but in her heart. < Please God... Please let me live. Buffy has to know. >
When Dr. Thomas came back with a nurse, they stood over her, looking down, solemn faces blankly greeting her. She closed her eyes, an image of an angel appeared to her. She felt the tape that held the tube onto her face being removed, then felt the doctor grip the tube itself. She said another prayer.
She stood in darkness. A voice called to her. She knew it was him. She'd heard him call her many times. A white light appeared, she drifted towards it, cold and desolate. He was before her, like magic, his arms outstretched, beckoning. The glow about him promised warmth, it promised love.
More voices began to call to her, reminding her that he'd promised that, and more, a long time ago. He was suddenly very close, reaching for her.
She shrunk away from him. "No." She stepped away, further and faster, but behind her the ground opened up. She was trapped between the hole and him. She knew which to choose. As he stepped closer again, she reached out for his hand. As he extended his hand to take hers, she moved back again and felt the ground disappear beneath her feet...
Keeping her eyes closed, Willow mumbled inaudibly. The last images that had filled her mind drifted away from her. When she opened her eyes, she saw Dr. Thomas grin.
"You had me worried," he touched her cheek. "But you're back." The nurse leant forward, a glass of water in her hand. "Here. You haven't had any fluids for weeks, it won't hurt to wet the old parched throat."
Both she and Dr. Thomas helped her lean forward to drink. A few sips was all she could manage before the nurse put the glass on the cabinet by the bed. As she wandered off, Willow thought about the 'old parched throat' part of what the nurse had said. Her throat was parched, she thought to herself, but although her throat felt old, it was far from that.
When Dr. Thomas had ensured she was back comfortably in her original pose on the bed, he asked, "Would you like me to send Buffy back in?"
"Mmm." She nodded, and he turned slowly then headed out of the room, he felt a sinking feeling overcome him. He knew full well he would not see Willow alive again.
Buffy entered the room quickly, as though is she did not hurry, she would miss something. It made Willow smile,
"Where's the fire?" Her voice cracked as she spoke, but she found it easier to talk when the tube was no longer hindering her, although she sounded as weak as before.
"Right here." Buffy took a seat beside her. She took Willow's hand, then pointed at her mouth, "No more tube?" "No more tube." Willow smiled. Inside, she was shaking. The time had come. It was time Buffy knew.
"Buff?"
"Yes, Will?" She brushed the hair from Willow's face. "There's..." She coughed. Buffy leaned across her, taking the glass of water and holding it to her lips. Willow sipped slowly, then shook her head, signaling she did not want anymore. Buffy put the glass back.
"There's something... You must know."
"Oh, Will." Buffy looked at her sympathetically, "You don't have to tell me right now. Just rest."
"No... You've got to know... First, I must... ask... The night... The night that Angel died. What did he tell..." Buffy looked at her blankly,
"What did he tell me? Willow, what do you mean?"
She shook her head, Willow saw the pain in her eyes.
"Why do you want to talk about Angel? It's been so long…"
"Please." Was all Willow said.
"He told me that he was going to take you to see one of Oz's shows out of town. I don't remember where now." Buffy started to cry, small silent tears, "He said he'd see me the next day, but he never did." Her voice was tired, bitter. "Spike and Druscilla found him first."
Willow felt fear inside her now. Fear and pain. She struggled again for words, "Buff..." She tried to hide the first of her tears, but they fell.
"One day, you told me... Before Angel died... That you thought he and Faith were..." She broke off, "That he was cheating…"
"No… Will, please. Let's not talk about this. I can't think badly of him. Not now. I loved him so much… And after he died… I just knew he wasn't. He would never. I'm sorry I ever doubted him." She took a deep breath, "Now he couldn't defend himself even if I did doubt him."
"I'm sorry..." A slight sob escaped her, "I wanted you... To know." She tried to continue, but her tears stopped her. Buffy's face pulled into a look of excruciating agony.
She had known Willow long enough now to know what she was about to say. She sobbed herself, and an angry voice emerged from her, "He was? He was cheating? Angel and Faith?" Her mind whirled. "That's why you wanted to see me?" There was as much shock in her voice as there was venom, "To tell me? To pollute my memory?" She sobbed again, "How would you know, Will? How would you know what he did or didn't do? You guys had nothing to do with each other… Not really. Why would he tell you?"
Willow looked away. A flush of guilt polluted her face.
When Buffy spotted it, she let go of Willow's hand. She gasped, pulling her hand to her mouth.
"Will?"
A wave of inner turmoil tried to stop her looking up at her friend, but it could not. The tears that streamed down her face increased and she struggled for breath. Her chest was tight. Her hands squeezed and tugged carefully, only slightly on the bedclothes.
"Oh my God." Buffy stood. "It wasn't Faith. It was you." It was the moment she had feared for years, but as her chest tightened even more, she knew she had to say it now, or she would never get the chance to say it again.
"Yes." She gasped, "I'm so sorry... Buffy... So sorry..."
She gasped again as Buffy turned away from the bed. Then she gasped again, and again, and again... "All these years and you never told me. All these years… How could you do that? How could both of you do that to me?" As anger and pain flashed throughout her, her ears ignored the buzzing sound of the monitor behind her.
"Willow... I trusted you. I've always trusted you. More than anyone else. You never gave me a reason to doubt you…" She put her head in her hands and sobbed, "Will, you're my best friend. How could you..."
Dr. Thomas rushed into the room behind her, on hearing him, Buffy turned. Admidst tears, she saw him lean over Willow.
"Willow? Willow?" He checked her airway, a nurse rushed in, handing him a bunch of equipment Buffy had never seen before. She watched them put another tube down Willow's throat, she watched them do CPR, she watched them until the monitor beeped again. This time loudly, insistently. A straight line flatly moving across the monitor screen.
She stood in darkness again. A continuos beep rung in her ears, she knew this time it was over. She saw a white light and moved towards it. He appeared again. She gazed at him dismally. He moved towards her, she moved away, waiting for the ground to open up behind her again, the way it always did. This time, it did not. She turned to see another light, this one the colour of the rainbow, warmth radiating from it. His hand touched her shoulder, she turned and pushed it away. She moved closer to the colourful warmth, felt it overcome her as her coldness melted away. The colourful light embraced her like arms as she touched it, and she felt a peace she had never known. She stepped into it...
The End