PART 4

The silence stretches into eternity. Why doesn't she say something, anything? Why has she closed off the expression in her eyes? Why is her face unreadable? That's *my* forte. This is Willow. All her emotions and feelings are always right there on her face. Her eyes are too expressive to be hooded like this. Her mouth is too generous to be compressed into this hard, firm line. Why doesn't she say anything?

Finally, the silence becomes too much for me to bear. "So, how are you liking the climate?"

Where did that come from? Oh lord, could I blunder this meeting any further?

Willow meets my gaze calmly, a small smile curving her lips upward, ever so slightly.

I sigh in relief that I got some sort of reaction from her, even if it was by saying something completely idiotic. I didn't even see it coming.

::smack::

My head rocks slightly with the impact. She slapped me! She slapped me hard. I put my hand to my jaw. It didn't hurt so much as surprise me. Willow, my gentle Willow, slapped me. I'm really in trouble.

So far gone was I in my surprise that it takes me a moment to realize that Willow is no longer sitting beside me.

Quickly, I stand up and grab at her retreating form. Catching her arm I force her to stop. Slowly, her back ramrod straight, she turns to face me, still unspeaking, her expression still hard.

"Willow, I..." What could I say? All my pre-rehearsed speeches fly right out of my head and I am honestly at a loss for words. Finally, I fall back on the only thing that I know I had to say. "I'm sorry Willow. I'm so very sorry."

"Well," came a voice from Willow that I had never heard before, cool and biting, making me flinch at the harsh sound. Her chin titled up as she gave me a look of steely determination. By the Gods, she was beautiful, just like I remembered her. The sting in her voice, however, was anything but beautiful. "Congratulations. You've found me again. What are you going to do now? Fling me over your shoulder and carry me off?"

Such a thought had occurred to me if all else failed, but I find myself ashamed by her words. I have to make her understand.

I let go of her arm and look down. "No, Willow. I'm not here to carry you off. I'm here, well, to tell you that I'm sorry."

"You came all this way just to say you were sorry? I highly doubt that, Angel." But for all the coolness of her eyes, her voice trembles slightly this time.

Taking it as a sign of hope, I press forward. "Willow, there's no distance I wouldn't travel to ask for your forgiveness. I was a jerk."

"Actually, I'd have to go with 'asshole' on this one but, have it your way. And you 'were' a jerk? Past tense?"

Flinching slightly, I sigh softly. "Yeah, I probably still am. But I'm an apologetic jerk. So, here I am. You can smack me again, you can scream at me, you can do pretty much anything you want...just please hear me out. Please Willow?"

Suddenly Willow's harsh gaze melts, leaving her eyes as innocent as a fawn yet clouded with hurt and indecision. "I don't know, Angel," she whispers, softly. "I don't know if I can be around you. You only seem to hurt me and I don't think I could take having my heart broken again. Once is plenty, thank you."

Oh God. I can't bear to hear that tone from Willow. I'm only hurting her. What the hell am I doing here? This was a mistake. I'm being a selfish bastard. The best thing would be for me to walk away.

But I can't.

"God, Willow, I don't want to hurt you. Just listen to me for fifteen minutes, and if you still want me gone, I'll disappear, no questions asked. And I won't look back. I'll leave you alone."

Who am I kidding? I'll do no such thing with the threat of Kane hanging over her but this probably isn't the best time to bring it up.

Willow pulls her head up slowly and meets my gaze. Sighing softly in resignation, she nods her head. "All right, Angel. I'll listen."

At that very moment I understood the phrase "heart-felt relief". Every part of me sang out my thanks to whatever higher power had convinced her to stay and listen.

Cautiously, I reach out and take her small hand in my own. Hers is very small and very cold, and I find mine is too big and too clumsy. I am almost afraid of breaking the slight fingers curled in my palm. Wordlessly, I lead her back to the park bench.

I watch her as she sits, watch her as she tucks her hair behind her ear, watch her as she looks up at me with those beautiful green eyes.

"So, what do you want to say?"

For a minute I attempt to gather my thoughts. I fail. Instead I watch, as if from a distance, as I open my mouth and words start spilling out. I cringe before I even start speaking, fearful of what my brain will produce. I want to yell at myself to Shut Up! but it's too late. Instead I snap back and try to concentrate on the content of my desperate plea to the woman I love, hoping that I don't do any irreparable damage. Well at least not any more than I've already done.

"Willow, when you left, you took a part of me with you. I realized just how much you meant to me. I realized just how much I missed us talking, sharing, and confiding. How much I missed you talking about your day and asking about mine. I missed your smile, the way your hands would do that flailing thing when you became flustered, and I especially missed the way you were always there for me."

I pause in my ramble to glance at her face, searching for a reaction, anything to hint at her feelings.

Her expression looks caught between happiness, skepticism, and utter confusion. As I prepare to continue, ready to restate my case, I notice her jaw twitch. I bite my tongue and remain silent a moment longer. I spend that moment praying I haven't blown it.

"Angel, you basically said all of this after you saw me with Kane. What's the difference this time?"

Although I cannot help the small growl that escapes with the mention of Kane, I press forward. "Willow, when I told you I loved you then, I was mad with jealousy. I realized that I wanted you more than I had ever wanted anything in my life. But, as much I as hate to say it -- that's all that it was, pure and simple jealousy. I saw you with another guy and all my instincts screamed 'Mine!'. It wasn't until after you left and I had time to kick myself in the ass a couple of times that I realized just what I missed about you. I saw you for what you are and what it is about you that I love. And while I was doing all that soul-searching, I realized just how badly I had screwed up."

Small tears run down her face, unheeded. Gently, I brush a few of them away with my thumb as the rest of my hand cradles her face. I continue on in a whisper. "And I realized what a wonderful friend I had just lost."

"How can I believe you, Angel?" Her question comes out slightly choked by her tears. "How do I know that this time is any different? I loved you and would have given you anything but all you took was friendship and few chaste kisses. Then, when Buffy came back, you went back to her, no backward glances, no regrets. You broke my heart Angel. And I've finally put it back together -- with Kane."

My hand drops sharply into my lap. I feel like I've been punched in the gut. I feel as if everything I know and hold dear is unraveling at the corners. I am ready to give up, my strength is sapped and I have no ammunition left to fight this battle. Then out of my subconscious a voice speaks in my head, Trevor's voice; 'You didn't haul your sorry ass all the way across the globe to give up and crawl away like a beaten dog with your tail between your legs'. God, that Trevor can be crude, but sometimes tough love is what a stubborn vampire needs. I know I can't give up, I told Willow she could beat me to a bloody pulp if it made her feel better, and I meant it. Just because she chose to do it verbally doesn't make it any less justified. Swallowing my pride and ignoring both physical and mental exhaustion I decide to tread forth, open wounds and all.

"How does one prove love? With flowers and gemstones? With words and music? "

Willow shakes her head and a fresh slew of tears fall from her eyes.

"Do you know how I know you love me Willow?" I hold up my hand to silence the argument brewing behind her eyes. "Don't deny it. I feel it when I close my eyes. It's a feeling unlike any other, this Willow love that invades my every cell. But being a stupid man I didn't notice it until it abated. Until the Willow love that I never let myself acknowledge, lessened. It never disappeared, but it halved when you gave part of it to *him*. When that happened my insides grew colder than they had been since I met you, still not ice, but significantly colder. I tried to warm myself with Buffy love, and there was a lot of that, and it helped, but it just wasn't the same. There was a bit of frost on the outer edge of my heart, and I knew that only Willow love could defrost it completely. So at first it was this loss of warmth that caused me to react in a fit of jealousy. I tried to recapture the warmth by forcing it out of you, by stealing it back by means of a kiss. We both know that didn't work. What I'm trying to say is that I know what I lost, and I know I need to work hard if I ever hope to get it back. But that is a different battle for another time. Now shut your eyes and feel my love for you, and in that find the trust you need"

I pause for a moment to see if I had put her to sleep yet. Her tears had stopped, and she was staring at me with wonder. I lost myself in the green of her eyes and became mesmerized.

My reverie was broken by a soft whisper. "I know the feeling of Angel love."

I break into a smile. Did I do it? Did I win? I contract my muscles and prepare to grab *my* Willow in a long overdue hug. She halts my movements with her next whisper.

"And I know the feeling of Kane love. And Kane love is what warms my insides."

I crumble. I melt. I now know what it would feel like to be staked. I am dust.

I cry out in anguish. "I miss you so much." And then I fall silent, my head bowed in defeat.

"I've missed you too Angel. But I'm in love with Kane." I lift my head slowly. Is there a hint of indecision in her tone? Is she trying to convince me or herself? I capture and hold her gaze once more and I look deep into her soul, maybe I still have a small glimmer of hope.

She whispers, "What do you want from me Angel?"

Pausing, I consider her question. I answer as honestly as possible, "I don't know, Willow. I don't know. All I know is that I want you to be happy."

"I am happy." Willow looks at me defensively, "I am!"

"I believe you, Willow," I tell her, although I don't.

Something is warring within her. As a true predator I spot the weakness in her and move in for the kill. Maybe, just maybe I can turn this to my advantage. I make a mental checklist; Apologize. Check. Confess your love. Check. Get her away from Kane. Still working on that one. I chose a tactic and let it loose. "I'll let you call the shots. You want me to leave, I'll leave. You want to leave, I'll take you back. Whatever *you* want."

"Mom and Dad think I'm taking a tour of Europe with friends from school. I don't think they paid too much attention to the details. . Buffy and Amy are happy that I'm here. I don't really have anything to go back for. All that I want is right here." Oh, dear God, I wish she was referring to me.

But wait, she's justified not wanting to leave, but what about me leaving? And I'm right here, along with all that she wants. The glimmer turns to a flame, a small flame, but it's a start.

"And what do you want, Willow?"

Picking at the edge of her shirt, she looks at her hands. "I've already told you: to be happy."

I sigh softly. This conversation is getting nowhere fast. I need to tell her about Kane but I can't think of a single way to do it without her hating me.

"And you're happy with Kane?"

"Yes, I am."

Aww hell, no matter what, she's going to end up hating me. But, better she hate me than remain with Kane. Okay, that's not true. I'm pretty sure I'll die without her but we'll deal with one problem at a time. Here goes.

"Willow, are you sure he's been completely honest with you?"

Obviously startled, she jerks up off the park bench and stares down at me.

"Just what the hell is that supposed to mean?"

God, what a way to start. Real smooth, Angel. Well, in for a penny...

I reach for her hand once more and pull her back to the bench. "Willow, there's something Kane might not have told you about himself."

And up she goes again, posturing like an angry kitten -- claws at the ready and green eyes snapping in outrage.

"How dare you! You're at it again. You *are* here to try to convince me that Kane is evil, aren't you? God, you just don't stop. It's just so hard for you to accept that a man could love me and be honest with me. Well it's not impossible, Angel. There are good, honest men out there who just might -- believe it or not -- love me."

I'm quite sure that my jaw is hanging open in disbelief. She can't possibly think that's what I am trying to say.

Well, actually, I guess she can. Damn, this is going to break her heart.

Holding her wrist in a grip that makes her escape impossible, I tell her everything.

"Willow, that's not what I think at all. You're a caring, compassionate, beautiful woman. Any man who is fortunate enough to be loved by you is probably the luckiest guy on earth. Trust me, not all guys are as stupid as I am....or as Kane is. Willow, when I got a bad vibe from the guy, I put investigators on his case. After a while, they turned up something that I think you should know about. He's rich, I'm sure you know that by now. He has bank accounts all over the country."

"So what? Oh, he's rich, Angel! You're right, he must be evil. Thanks so much for warning me. See ya." Her sneer only makes this harder.

"Just listen Willow," I tell her wearily. "If you look at who owns the bank accounts, they're all in one name -- Kane Havor. And they date back to the early 1800's." And here we go. "He's at least 192 years old, Willow, possibly older."

I feel all of the resistance in her body drain out. Her hand goes limp in my grasp.

"You're lying," she whispers, making a weak attempt at denial.

"Other forms of written confirmation are coming in all the time. I wish to God I was lying but I'm not. I'm sorry Willow. The only immortals I know of are demons."

"But, but, he's not a vampire. I've gone out in the sunlight with him," she protests, taking strength in that denial.

Hating myself for adding to her suffering, I still press forth. She needs to know and be convinced. Obviously he hasn't told her of his advanced age.

"Willow, not all immortals are vampires. There are other forms of demons."

Suddenly, the last vestiges of fight go out of her and her knees buckle. Moving quickly, I scoop her up and place her gently on the bench, keeping my arm around her for support. I wish that the scene of my holding Willow could have happened under other circumstances. "I'm sorry Willow. I'm so sorry."

That's all I can offer her right now. I want her love, I'm desperate for her to gift me with her trust and respect once more. But, right now, my friend is hurting. She's in pain. Ironic how nothing can ever turn out right for so sweet and caring a person as Willow. She always puts others needs before her own and when a great break finally comes along for her, it turns out like this. Everyone whom she has bestowed her love upon has turned on her. Xander, myself, Kane.... But, if I can help it, she'll never be hurt again. I only hope she'll let me be in a position to keep her safe. But, for now, I'm content to just hold her.

"Why?" She sobs, her face resting on my chest, her tears being absorbed by the material in my shirt. "Why?"

Lightly stroking her hair, I give her the only answer I have right now. "I don't know Willow. I'm just so sorry. It'll be okay. I promise. Somehow or another, it'll be okay."
 
 

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