~Part 1~
~~Thanksgiving 2002~~

"We're here why?" Cordelia unfastened the child seat and lifted Patrick into her arms. Making a funny face at the infant to make him laugh. Angel stood behind her, the baby bag already slung over his shoulder.

"Because, we've been so busy this last year we haven't even talked to everyone here." Angel sighed, the words had been repeated a dozen times over the last week. He really didn't want to be here anymore than she did, if it weren't for the fact that they hadn't heard from Willow in over a year he wouldn't have bothered forcing Cordelia to make the trek with him. He would've just stayed in LA, spending the day with the gang there.

The last year had been a blur of diaper changes and feeding schedules. Not just for him, but for everyone. It had just seemed natural for them all to take a hand in raising Patrick. At one time or another they all took turns walking the hotel hallways to calm down his cries. Many outfits ruined by baby puke. But none of them minded. Patrick had stolen a piece of each of their hearts.

It seemed like yesterday that they brought Patrick home on that horrible rainy night, and here it was a year later. Boy how time flew. "We haven't seen or heard from Willow in over a year. I thought it would be a great opportunity to visit with her."

"She could've come to LA you know." Cordelia's words were softened by the sound of Patrick's giggles.

"One meal, that's all."

"Yeah, that's what they said to..." Cordelia bit her tongue. She knew that Angel felt guilty about ditching Willow like they had. The last time any of them had heard from the witch was when Buffy came back. "Okay let's get this over with."

Angel walked up to the familiar door and knocked. After a moment Dawn answered, her eyes darting from Angel to the baby that Cordelia was holding.  "He's perfect!" Dawn went to take the baby from Cordelia's arms, but seeing the teens intentions Cordelia blocked the advance with her body.

"She's a little over protective;" Angel hugged Dawn as he sent a warning glance in Cordelia's direction to behave.

"Just as long as I can hold him some time tonight." Dawn opened the front door to allow Angel and Cordelia into her home. "Spike just got here, he and Buffy are arguing upstairs right now."

"Oh yeah Angel did you hear that? You get your very own family reunion." Cordelia's fake smile had Angel questioning his sanity for a moment. This had been his idea... right? Perhaps he should've listened to Cordelia and invited Willow out to LA.

"Deadboy." Xander came walking out of the kitchen, "Long time no see."

"Xander." Angel tried to greet the boy as graciously as he could, while taking the baby form Cordelia so she could take her jacket off.

"So this is the little guy...he doesn't bite does he?" Angel felt his body tense at Xander's thoughtless words. He had been avoiding the Sunnydale group because he didn't want to encounter questions like this. Patrick may have been born from two vampires, but he was one hundred percent human.

"I don't know Xander, care to find out?" Xander paled at Angel's smirk and took a step back.

"Angel!" Buffy stood at the top of the stairs, her face flushed at the sight of him. Her eyes traveled to Patrick and dimmed slightly. Spike stood behind her, his face void of emotion but Angel knew better. He had spent more than enough time with William to know that his childe was furious. "I didn't hear you come."

Cordelia rolled her eyes and grabbed Patrick away from Angel stalking off to the living room to find a safe place for the curious baby to roll around. "We just got here."

"I thought that Wes, Gunn and that girl was going to come." Buffy started to descend the steps; her gaze looked with his. Angel felt trapped. It was nice to see Buffy again, but it would be better if she'd just let the past alone.

"Her name is Fred and no they decided to have their own special holiday."

"So, Pops how's my new little brother?" Spike followed Buffy.

Angel didn't let Spike's flippant question bother him. Deep down he knew that Spike really felt like an older brother. Over the last year the bleach blonde had sent several odd, yet touching gifts to Patrick. "He's doing great. He's almost walking now." Angel beamed like any new Father would. Buffy seemed to pout a little, but quickly dismissed the unattractive look. "You should see the spread we've been cooking all day." Grabbing his hand she hauled him toward the kitchen.

A very pregnant Anya was arguing with Dawn over the correct way to make mashed potatoes, as Xander snatched quick tastes from the stove. Angel looked around for the one person they came to see, disappointed that she hadn't been there to greet him.

"It smells good." Angle offered as he eyed the destructive state of the kitchen.

"WHAT!?" Cordelia's voice bounced off the walls followed by a startled cry from Patrick. "Angel...ANGEL!!!" Yanking his hand from Buffy's death
like grip Angel hurried to the living room where Cordelia stood her chest heaving, her eyes dark with rage.

Angel went to pick Patrick up, hushing away his sons startled tears. "What's going on in here?" He demanded as he looked from Cordelia to Spike who was lounged back on the couch with out a care in the world.

"Don't ask me. Cheerleader here started asking questions about Red, then got into a snit." Spike arched his brows in mock innocence.

"Tell him." Cordelia's words were edged with hysteria, her hands visibly shaking.

Buffy, Xander, Anya and Dawn had gathered in the doorway. Their expressions a mixture of irritation and dismay. "Spike I thought we agreed that we wouldn't tell them."

"No Luv, I think your words were 'Tell him and die'. You said him, nothing about *her*." Spike gave an evil leer.

"Will someone tell me what's going on?" Angel started to get angry.

"They kicked her out of Sunnydale." Cordelia turned on her heal and left the room, only to return a moment later with their jackets. Angel was still waiting for someone to elaborate. It wasn't until Cordelia took Patrick from him and started bundling up the wiggling tike that she continued on. "I asked Spike where Willow was, seeing that she's the person we really came to see..." Angel inwardly groaned as Buffy cut him a hurtful look. "That's when he informed me that Willow's powers seemed to have gotten the best of her last year and went through a little episode."

"Little! She almost killed Dawn." Buffy screeched in indignation.

"Anyways," Cordelia continued on ignoring Buffy. "Spike says...and god let me tell you who wrong that sounds... that Willow left about this time *last* year."

"Willow got addicted to magic and was a danger to us." Xander repeated the words Buffy had said to him on the nights he cried over the loss of having Willow in his life. He sounded like a programmed robot, and Cordelia snorted in disgust.

"Oh shut up Zapper." Spike was enjoying the turmoil he had created. In fact he had been fighting with Buffy just moments before Gel boy and the little seer arrived, that it was time to fess up. But in true Buffy form she wanted to push away anything that might 'darken' the *special* time she got to spend with Angel. "Before she left Willow wasn't a harm to anything but the toilet and the boxes of Kleenex she cried into. She went a month without so much of a twitch of her nose. It wasn't until you all asked her to do that itty-bitty little spell to help with that chaos demon."

Angel mind went blank for a brief moment until anger gripped at him. "You all make me sick." Angel refused to look any of them in the eye as he grabbed the diaper bag from next to the couch. Cordelia, who already read his intent, was halfway out the door and almost to the car.

"You can't leave...you haven't even eaten yet." Buffy stopped Angel at the door, her eyes brimming with tears.

"I don't eat." Angel tried to move around her and out into the night.

"Kaddy I insist that you come over this instance." Madeline's voice was filled with concern. Willow could hear talking and laughter in the background. "It's not right for you to be alone for Thanksgiving. If you're not going to go home and visit you should at least come here."

"Madeline thanks, I really appreciate it. But I really want to be alone right now." The background noise that came over the telephone line was tearing her heart into a million pieces. It sounded like home. Bursts of laughter from inside jokes and shared stories. Memories recalled, and tales exchanged. There was no way she could survive a night with all that around her, making her missing life even more painful to recall. "Kitty Fantastico the second and I are in the middle of a very interesting book right now." Reaching out her hand and stroking the kitten, Willow's lips
tugged a little at its hearty purr.

"I'm not going to win am I." The older ladies voice was laced with concern and exasperation.

"Resolve face."

"Fine. I may have lost this battle but I will win the war. See you in the store tomorrow?"

"You're darn-tootin, biggest shopping day of the year." Willow stood from her couch and stretched. The hardwood floors cold beneath her feet.

"I really don't think that a rare bookstore is where the crowds will be. Perhaps we can go through that box that arrived the other day from the Strickland estate." They bid one another goodnight; Willow promising that if she got too lonely she'd stop by.

Setting the phone on its cradle, Willow walked over to the window to look out on the harbor. The moon hung in the sky, beckoning to her to come out and play. The sound of the water below lapping at the piers was calming to her raw nerves. Rushing to the door and grabbing her jacket from the peg, Willow left the small studio she had been living to be a part of the night.

She had found this place purely by accident. Madeline said that it was meant to be. That she was supposed to end up here, Camden Maine, where the tourists flocked in the summertime, and left as the last leaf fell from the trees.

Willow wondered if perhaps Maddy hadn't been right. It was the only explanation for her having found a witch who could help her through her horrible nightmare, and making magic a beautiful thing again.

Madeline had taken her in when he father's sedan decided that it was done traveling. Giving her a job at the rare bookstore, plus a friendship that got Willow through the bleakest hours of her life. Though Willow freaked when she found out her new boss was a witch, nearly running from the store, literally in terror. It had taken two very painfully long months to rid her body of the swirling magic that had taken up residence inside her. She didn't want to go back to that place she had fought so hard to get away from.

But Maddy sensed this, sharing her own story of magical abuse. It was a long night of tears and anguish, as Willow spilled her heart out to her new
friend. It was like her mouth opened and words just flew out. She told the other woman about the slayer and the rest of the gang. Bits and pieces of Masters and demons they had seen and fought over the years. She talked the longest about Angel, of his tortured soul and how he became the warrior for the PTB. The longer she rambled the better she felt. It wasn't until the next morning that emotional exhaustion made her stop.

Maddy had stood from the table, announcing that Willow was past the first step of healing. The next part was learning her magical boundaries. Willow had sat blinking at the old woman as though she were daft. Maddy had scoffed at her look, as she explained that the blame for the burn out wasn't completely hers. That the Watcher of all people knew how important it was to properly train a novice witch, especially one who showed such potential. That magic if done properly and by a trained witch could do some pretty amazing things. But there were limits.

There was a reason a slayer had been created and not some witch appointed to do vampire duty. The amount of energy need to fight the forces of evil on the daily basis was too dangerous for any witch no matter how well trained they were. There are levels that a witch must go through, instead of jumping in with both feet. And if Willow wanted, her training could begin the following day.

Madeline was a relentless teacher, but after a year Willow had finally found the inner peace she had been craving. Finding magic in everything and everyone around her. The only thing now that was missing was her friends.

Not the people she left behind a year ago, those people seemed like strangers. It was the ones she knew in High School. The cheerful Buffy, the wacky Xander, the Father like Giles, Oz, Cordelia the tact girl, and of course Angel. The people from that timeline were tough, and stuck together through anything. But the perfect picture seemed to have cracked, and pieces started falling away. One by one they either left or changed so radically Willow no longer recognized them.

Stopping at the end of the pier Willow took a deep breath. Just one more holiday to get through, then the hardest part of the year would be over.
 

~Part 2~

"Say something!" Cordelia snapped, growing tired of watching Angel stare expressionlessly at the highway in front of him. It was his death grip on the steering wheel that gave away his true emotions. "We've been driving now for the last hour and you haven't said a word!"

"I have nothing to say." Angel loosened his hold on the steering wheel, only to grip it tighter.

"Uh-huh." Peering over her shoulder, Cordelia checked on Patrick who was sleeping soundly in his car seat.

Angel stayed silent for a moment. "How could they do that...and to Willow? How many times has she been there for them? Putting her life on the line night after night. Going to that crappy college so she could stay in town and keep the Hellmouth safe. She gave up so much for them, for Buffy and this is how they repay her."

"If it's any consolation Spike didn't *say* that they kicked her out of town."

"Come on Delia, we both know how inconsiderate they can be." Angel let his eyes off the road for a moment to give her a look. "They may not have packed her bags and put her on a bus, but I'm sure their thoughtlessness and self-absorbed attitudes was enough to make Willow disappear."

Cordelia nodded numbly. She tried to envision how Willow must have felt during her last days in Sunnydale. Scared and alone, trying desperately to
make things right again.

"And what really makes me mad as hell is that we're no different than they are. We didn't think twice when the calls and e-mails stopped." Angel's tone was low and filled with self-loathing.

"Angel stop that. You've been through a lot this last year. You've become a Daddy, had that whole Holtz thing to deal with, not to mention keeping Patrick safe from all those crazy demon cults. Plus may I add keep the agency running while Wolfram and Hart tried to take it all away. Now me on the other hand could've called, written a letter, something." Cordelia looked out the window as cars went whizzing past.

"Why didn't she come to us for help?" Now sounding hurt, Cordelia wished that she could hug her friend and tell him that everything was going to be all right.

"After the hatred she faced in Sunnyhell I'm sure that she thought she'd receive the same from us. Face it, where Buffy is concerned you've been known to be a little biased."

"But things have changed." Angel defended himself.

"Hello?! I know that.  Been with you almost every step of the way. I know you got over her when she died. But they don't know this. They all see you as Buffy eternal forbidden flame, not the vampire I have watched you become."

"I wish I knew where to find her...hell I wish I knew where to start looking. Maybe if we knew a year ago we'd have some leads. A DAMN YEAR!" Angel growled out the last part, pounding his fists on the steering wheel. Patrick stirred in the backseat but stayed asleep.

"We can still at least try." Cordelia knew how fruitless it would be. A lot could happen in a year, people forgot a stranger passing through town.

"Delia we're buried by the cases we have now. If she wanted to be found she would've left some sort of clue." Cordelia felt as though she were going to cry. "That doesn't mean that we won't try, but I want you to be aware that we may never see Willow again."

The doors to the Hyperion swung open, Wesley Gunn and Fred stopped in mid-sentence to give a look of confusion.

"Now that's what I call a dine and dash." Gunn walked up to Cordelia and took Patrick from her.

"We didn't stay long enough to eat." Angel muttered handing Patrick's diaper bag to Fred.

"You were barely gone long enough to get to Sunnydale and back." Wesley spoke slowly, not sure if he wanted to hear what had his friends return so early from their festivities. "Did you have a vision?" Wesley looked over to Cordelia in concern.

"Yeah, something like that. I envisioned Buffy and her little pals dying a slow and painful death...at my hands." The words were spoken sharply as Cordelia walked past the group.

"I don't understand. You saw yourself hurting..."

"They've been keeping a little something from us." Angel's cryptic words didn't help Wesley's confusion. "Willow's gone."

"What do you mean gone? Will you two stop being so bloody cryptic and get it out already?!" Wesley followed Cordelia.

"Willow's powers got the better of her last year." Angel stated softly.

"I knew it would happen! I told Giles a hundred times that she needed to be trained properly." Wesley's right temple started to throb as his face turned red. "But nooo. He was too bloody wrapped up in the slayer and her little melodramas that he couldn't see that Willow was digging her own grave."

Cordelia looked up sharply at Wesley. "What do you mean you warned Giles? Wesley is there something that we should know?"

"Willow was playing with power that she had no idea how to handle. Perhaps if Giles had listened and found her a teacher like I suggested ..." Wesley looked around the room at the intense expressions and calmed down a little. "I know you all hated me when I first showed up in Sunnydale. With all my *stuffy* Watcher ways. But there were some things that the council believed in, that I still back them on. They never approved of the small army that Buffy had supporting her, not because the slayers secret had been shared, but because there wasn't enough supervision for the
adolescents. Giles had his hands full training Buffy and keeping her on the right path. He didn't have enough energy to keep a proper eye on Willow, Xander, Cordelia, Oz  and Amy."

"Yeah we all know how Amy turned out." Cordelia grumbled.

"Who's Amy?" Fred was trying hard to keep up with the conversation. She had heard most of the names in passing, but this was the first time anyone really talked about the residents of Sunnydale. She had always been interested in how Angel and Cordelia met, and about the small group of friends they fought beside.

"Amy was a witch who turned herself into a rat when the adults of Sunnydale went all pyro on them." Cordelia tried to fill in the gaps.

"Oh..."

"Wesley get back to the part of you warning him." Angel's tone was murderous.

"If you all remember when I arrived in Sunnydale my appearance wasn't all that welcomed. So I was able to be a stranger looking from the outside into your small group. Out of all the teens Willow worried me the most. She was playing with magic, seeing what nifty little spells she could perform. That's the major reason most of her stuff backfired, she wasn't taking it seriously. There was no formal education. I warned Giles that sooner or later Willow was going to go too far, without knowing it and the consequences would be deadly."

"So what did this Giles guy say?" Gunn asked.

"That he'd look into it." Wesley's low voice responded. "I was going to inform the council that something had to be done, but then that whole thing
with Faith happened, then the ascension."

"He knew." Cordy looked over to Angel, her eyes flashing in anger. "Giles knew what could happen. How many times did we just expect Willow to do some *little* spell?"

"Back to Willow, what happened?" Gunn rested a reassuring hand on Cordelia's shoulder.

"She got so bad she almost killed Dawn. She swore off magic, from what Spike said it was like watching a heroin addict get clean. Buffy and her groupies wouldn't forgive Willow, but it also didn't stop them from asking her to do a spell."

"Poor Willow!" Fred's face was twisted in concern.

"So she left." Angel stood and took Patrick from Gunn. "A year ago." Walking across the lobby and up the stairs everyone watched his retreating back.

"If you haven't guessed Angel's not taking this very well." Leaning her head back against the couch Cordelia let out a long sigh. "To tell you the truth I'm not dealing with this all that well."

Wesley stood looking from the stairs to Cordelia and back again. "What do you mean a year ago?"

"Willow left a year ago, don't know how to clarify it any other way."

"But no one called us." Wesley's voice was filled with puzzlement.

Cordelia gave a harsh laugh. "If it weren't for *Spike* we wouldn't even know now."

"Well what are we going to do? We can't just sit here and do nothing. I've seen witches who get addicted, it's not a pretty sight. She needs friends and family around her."

"Wes, her family is worse then her friends in Sunnydale if you can believe that. Where are we going to start looking? Local witch rehab centers? I'm going upstairs to take a long hot bath." Cordelia stood, walking wearily up the stairs.

"So that's it? They're gonna let one of there friends just fade away like that?" Gunn asked the moment Cordelia was out of sight. Wesley shook his head.

"I think they just need time to absorb this."

"But that doesn't mean we can't start looking does it?" Fred arched a brow at the two males.
 

~Part 3~

The bell announced Willow’s arrival, as she walked through the back door of the bookshop. Balancing a donut on top of her piping hot coffee, she used her foot to shut the door behind her. Calling out a welcome, Willow smiled when she heard no reply. She loved having a few minutes alone in the morning before the store opened. It wasn’t as though customers were knocking the door down for old musty books. But their clientele was enough to keep the shop going and her on salary.

Walking to the office and setting down her breakfast, Willow went around the shop turning on lights and replacing any stray books. Running her hand over the spines of the leather bond volumes Willow was reminded of the library back home...before it blew up.

“Kaddy?” Maddy’s voice rang out.

“I’m in the front.” Willow took a look around and took a deep breath. So much for being alone.

“Please don’t tell me that this donut and coffee is all your having for breakfast!?” Maddy’s dismayed voice questioned as Willow tried not to laugh. As long as she had worked for the older woman, she got the same lecture every morning. If Willow were to be totally honest with herself she would admit that she was deathly sick of her donut breakfasts. It was the concern that Maddy showed every day that she craved.

“I’m telling you Maddy you are missing out on one of life’s treasures. Jelly filled powered donuts.” Licking her lips Willow’s eyes almost sparkled in mischief.

Maddy grinned back, noticing that ‘Kaddy’ was almost healed from the trauma that happened almost a year ago. The dejected shell of a human that found her way to Maddy’s steps was nothing like the young woman she was today. It didn’t take a genius to know that the Goddess placed the young girl in her care until the time was right to put her back into the world again. She knew that ‘Kaddy’ was meant for something more than some small bookstore. Soon ‘Kaddy’ would be gone. So Maddy cherished everyday knowing that their time together was defiantly limited.

“If you don’t behave I won’t let you help me with that new arrival you’ve been drooling over.” With a clucking sound Maddy went through her morning chores.

Willow sat down behind the desk and choked down her breakfast.

A few hours latter, both Maddy and Willow were knee deep in leather bond volumes. Reading the titles like with glee. Each book they pulled out of the large chest was a new treasure to behold. Willow looked down into the wooden box and gasped in shock when a symbol on one of the books caught her attention. With shaking hands Willow reached in and pulled out the old book.

It was the sign of the Watcher Council, she’d know that sign anywhere. “Maddy who exactly was this guy?”

“Oh some older gentleman that came over from England a few years back. He never really socialized with the rest of the town. Boy did he have a lot of visitors though.” Maddy was wiping the covers of the dusty volumes. “Biggest bunch of tweed wearing anal-retentive pricks I’ve ever met. They stopped in here a time or two. All whispering together like little old woman.”

Willow bit the side of her cheek to keep from laughing at the older woman’s description of the man that had to be Watchers. Looking down into her lap at what had to be a Watcher’s journal Willow couldn't’ resist opening the book and start reading through it. What she saw made her eyes bug out. Closing the cover again, to look at the age of the book, Willow dropped it like it was some sort of snake ready to bite her.

“Kaddy?” Maddy’s worried expression caught Willow’s attention. “What on Mother’s Earth got into you? “You’re as pale as a ghost.”

“Did this...guy from England travel a lot?” Willow’s voice trembled, as she stared at Maddy intently.

“Well the first few years, but then he fell ill. Why?” Maddy picked up the book from Willow’s lap and let out a long use of profanity. “I don’t believe it. But it does explain a lot. I take it you recognize the marking from your days in Sunnydale?”

Willow felt a moment of nostalgia. “Yeah, Giles tried his hardest to keep them locked away. But no matter where he hide them Buffy and I were able to hunt the books down. But that book...it’s-it’s about us, my friends.” Opening the front cover of the book for Maddy to see the first page she waited for the older woman’s reaction.

“Well I’ll be. It’s about you and your friends.”

“He followed us.” Willow whispered. “That’s just...creepy.”

Maddy flipped through a few pages and stopped on the last page. “Oh my. Oh my! Willow look!” Maddy handed the book back with shaking hands. “Tell me that my old age isn’t catching up with me.”

Willow read the last page twice and then a third time to make sure she hadn’t been mistaken. “This has to be a mistake. The Watchers would never keep this from us, after everything we went through.” Willow’s angered voice sounded raw even to her own ears. The room seemed to start spinning as she gulped in deep breaths. “They wouldn’t would they?”

“Willow the Watcher’s haven’t always been known to be the most intelligent people known.” Maddy’s patted Willow’s hand.

“But to keep something like *this* a secret. It’s almost seems cruel.”

“Well what are you going to do with it?” Maddy watched Willow carefully, judging her emotions.

Willow reread the heading one more time and wiped at her watering eyes. “I’m going to do what’s right. Angel deserves this, he deserves to be happy.” Maddy nodded in total agreement. “It’s a great early Christmas present.”

“It’s what any ensouled vampire wants for Christmas. Their very own soul for eternity.” Willow looked up her eyes sparkling. Looking back down at spell that took up the last page in the book, Willow felt the urge to jump up and down in joy.

The only damper to this was that she wouldn’t get to see Angel’s face when he read it.

“Angel Dear Lord what is it? You look paler than usual.” Wesley watched as Angel stopped in the middle of the hotel lobby with a package in his hand.

“I got a package.” Angel’s voice was barley above a whisper.

“I hope my Mom didn’t send you a fruitcake.” Fred apologized. “I keep telling her that no one really likes fruitcake for the holidays...” Pausing Fred felt everyone looking at her again.

“I liked fruitcake.” Angel tried to reassure Fred. “I-I got a book.”

“Yeah like we don’t have *lots* of those.” Rolling her eyes Cordelia went back to trying to get Patrick to walk while holding onto her fingers.

“It’s from Willow.” The room went deathly still. They had been so far unsuccessful in their attempt at locating their redheaded witch.

“Please tell me that you aren’t trying to get a sense of humor again. Because if you are that’s a *very* bad joke.” Cordelia picked Patrick up as she hurried over to Angel’s side.

“It’s no joke. It’s from Willow.” Impatient for Angel to explain, Cordelia snatched the letter that Angel had been reading and started to read aloud.
 

Dear Angel and all,

I’m really not great with this whole letter writing thing. I mean how do you start a letter to people that you love with your entire heart but haven’t seen for so long? I’m sure that you’ve heard about the horrible things I did, and in no way shape or from am I asking for your forgiveness

I found this book, or perhaps I should say it found me. And I knew just who should have it. I’m sure once you take a look at the symbol on the front you’ll recognize it as a Watcher’s Diary. It’s a very special book, unlike any diary we’ve seen so far. It’s about us...the original Scoobies. We had our very own Watcher by the name of Walter Strickland, who wrote down our first couple of years together. This isn’t a book about the slayer, or about the Scourge of Europe. But us. Xander, Cordelia, Amy, Oz and even Angel. I read the book cover to cover. I laughed and cried, but every page kept me enthralled, reminding me of the closeness we once all shared.

Now before you start reading I want you to know a little about Walter Strickland. With this Diary I also had his personal journal. Mr. Strickland was from a long line of Watchers. He believed firmly in the old belief that a Watcher should see and not be heard. He followed us through our everyday lives, never interfering when things got too tough. It wasn’t until the end that he was torn on whether or not he should break his sacred oath, but he suffered a major stroke and the decision was made for him.

Though I’m sure you would all love this book as I did. The last page is my Christmas gift to Angel. Please know I give it out of Friendship and love. And hope that you someday find happiness, you deserve it.

You’re in my thoughts,

Willow
 
 

Angel discarded the box the book was in, and opened the book slowly. Cordelia stood on tiptoe as Angel opened to the last page and let out a cry of delight. Angel just stared a single tear forming in his eye.

“Well don’t leave us hanging.” Gunn prodded.

“It’s a spell to anchor Angel’s soul.” Cordelia smiled brightly in his direction.

“Are you to tell me that a Watcher had this spell and never did anything about it?” Gunn looked over at Wesley as though he’d have the answer.

“Don’t look at me. Had I known there were a spell to ensure that we’d never see Angelus again don’t you think I would have found it?” Feeling the need to defend himself because of his past days with the Watcher’s council.

“This is the best Christmas gift you could ever get!” Cordelia hugged Angel’s stiff body tight. Stepping back when he didn’t respond. “Angel?”

“She doesn’t think we’d ever forgive her, but she sends me this.” Angel held the book up a little higher. “She gave me a soul, and now she’s giving me a way to keep it forever.”

“This is a good thing Angel. I know that happy times in your life are few and far between. But the usual response at a time like this is sometimes a smile.” Studying his face Cordelia felt her heart sink at the sadness she saw.

“I know. I am happy...really I am.” He tired to convince Cordelia. “I just want Willow back. I want her to know that we miss her. That no matter what we could forgive her. I just want Willow for Christmas.”

Cordelia nodded. Knowing what Angel meant. It had taken awhile, but she had learned that it wasn’t the material things in life that made it worth living. But the friends you met on the way. Willow was one of those people that just made life a little brighter.

Fred watched as Cordelia and Angel whispered to one another. “Did you get a look at the box?” Wesley asked from behind. Fred took one last look in her friends direction before answering.

“Yes. The postmark was out of Portland Maine.”

“So now we need to look into this Watcher guy, and maybe we can draw a line to Willow.” Gunn joined their conversation .

“I hope this works. It’s just a few weeks before Christmas.” Fred said anxiously, as the three climbed up the stairs to the room they had dubbed ‘Operation Willow for Christmas‘. The were hell bent on locating the missing girl *and* getting her back to LA by Christmas.

“Now that we have a solid lead I’m sure something will come up.” Wesley smiled down at Fred.
 

~Part 4~

“So far the clues that we have on the where-abouts of one Miss Rosenberg are as follows. A package postmarked out of Portland Maine.” Wesley wrote the words Portland Maine on the dry erase board Fred had snuck up to the room they had dibbed the hole. Along with the board other office supplies had come up missing from the Investigation’s office. A pencil here, a pen there. Some paper, binder, a laptop computer...

“Which is the capitol of Maine.” Gunn threw out.

“Actually...” Fred made a slight face, not really wanting to tell Gunn he was wrong. “Augusta is the capitol. It was first known as Cushnoc or Koussinoc it wasn’t known as Augusta until 1827. ”

“Oh.” Gunn nodded.

“If were done with our lessons?” Wesley arched an irritated brow at Fred. “Okay so we have the postmark.” He reiterated. “Plus we know that the book came from Walter Strickland’s private collection.”

“From what I could find on our man, he was born in 1911 and died just this year. He never married, has no other living relatives. The last place he lived was Camden Maine.” Gunn read off a print out he had made just a few short hours before. “So what we need to find out is who got his stuff after he bit the dust.”

“Did you check the obituaries?” Fred questioned her pulse quickening. She knew they were on to something here.

“Yeah. Nothing much. Just his name and the years he lived.” Gunn shrugged.

“Where would we find out where all his possessions went?” Wesley questioned out loud.

“Well maybe since it’s such a small town...” Fred started. “We could call the town office. Maybe they might have some information on what happened to his estate.”

“Good thinking.” Wesley nodded. “I have a feeling that we’re very close to finding Willow”

“What did he mean I was frivolous and self-absorbed? “ Cordelia screeched making a grab for the book that Angel had been reading aloud from. “I’ll have him know that there was a lot more to me back then. Does it say how I risked my life, or how I was the *victim*?”

“Cordelia calm down. We know that you’ve changed a lot since your high school days. This was written over three years ago.” Angel placated Cordelia’s hurt feelings. Though he’d never admit to his irreplaceable friend that she *had* been those things years ago, he knew she had blossomed into a charming young woman. “This is just an observation. Walter Strickland never got to meet any of you, so he was only able to write what he observed.”

“Well he said that Willow was a charming and beautiful girl. Not only on the outside but on the inside as well. He hit the nail on the head there!” Cordelia pouted a shimmering of moisture in her eyes. “I just don’t want the world to remember me as those things.”

Angel smiled softly at his friend slightly understanding what she meant. Didn’t he have volumes of books etching out in precise detail his time as Angelus? Words written on paper for the world to know until the end of time.

“Well then we’ll need to start our own journals, each one of us. So that way when we all pass on the world will know about us, the real us. About the things we see, how we feel. I’m sure the Watcher council will pay a fortune to have copies of them.” He could see her softening.

“Really?”

“Yes really. Here let me cheer you up and tell you what he wrote about Xander.” Angel chuckled at the way Cordelia’s eyes brightened.
 

“Oh I can just imagine. But hold up a sec. I want to check up on Patrick and see where our lazy coworkers took off to.” Cordelia hurried off the couch and to the stairs.

Angel flipped a few pages back to the section on Willow, and reread the words. Oddly feeling closer to the redhead as he read the description the Watcher had written down years ago. Of her loyalty, her sweetness, and her ability to calm the tempers that seemed to always be running high in the group. He got to the part that he decided not to read out loud after gazing at the first few lines. It was about Walter’s interpretation on Willow’s feelings for a certain soulful vampire. That it was the deceased Watcher’s belief that the young soon to be witch had a crush on ‘The Vampire with an angelic face’. Angel’s couldn’t help but smile a bit. How absurd was that? Willow having a thing for him. It was common knowledge that Willow had a mile long crush on Xander.

But what if it was true? Angel shook his head of any fanciful thoughts. He chose his path, with Buffy then with moving to LA. But what if? No. Angel scolded himself again. He needed to stop thinking that way.

Flipping the pages back again to the beginning of Willow’s part Angel couldn’t resist reading the section again.

Cordelia stuck her head into Patrick’s room and smiled at the sleeping one-year-old. He looked like a little cherub when he slept. Taking a silent step forward, she stood next to the crib to look down on the miracle that was sucking his thumb at the moment.

A heartbreaking emotion passed through her as she watched the small boy that she helped raise sleep. Now that Angel had an anchoring spell, and his soul was going to stick to him like gum on the bottom of a shoe he was going to find someone and she’d no longer be needed. At least that person wont be Buffy, Cordelia grimaced at the thought. It wasn’t like Angel was going to go out and just find someone, especially with his little aversions to sunlight, garlic, and holy crosses. But sooner or later there was going to be a person that would except Angel for everything he was, and then Patrick would be taken from her.

Wiping a the tear that formed in her eye, Cordelia told herself for a thousandth time that she would not cry. That this was going to be the one thing that she would not be selfish about. Patrick dissevered to have a Mother, not just an Aunt.

“Patrick my love your Daddy thinks he fooled Auntie Delia, but he didn’t. I saw the way his eyes widened when he was reading what the stick in the mud wrote about Willow. He left something out. And you can bet your college fund that I’ll find out.” Tucking the blankets around the slumbering body, Cordelia tiptoed out the door and headed towards Fred’s room.

Knocking softly on the closed door she waited a moment. She knew she saw Wesley, Gunn and Fred sneaking up the stairs when they didn’t think anyone was looking. If they weren’t in Fred’s room, which brought sick and distorted images by itself, then where were they?

Suddenly a banging sound from up above made Cordelia gasp in surprise. The sound came again and again. It almost sounded as though someone was jumping up and down on a pogo stick up above. Deciding to investigate the noise, Cordelia headed towards the stairs.

“We did it we did it.” Fred kept chanting as the three of them jumped up and down in joy. Well they may have not found out exactly where Willow was, they did find out that Mr. Strickland’s library collection had been given to a local Rare Bookstore owner by the name of Madeline Strum.

“We’re so close!” Wesley smiled and felt like jumping some more.

“So close to what? And hey that’s my pen holder buster!” Cordelia’s voice came from the doorway, catching the three jumping and embracing people by surprise.

Gunn jumped back first, embarrassed to have been found in such a way. Straightening his clothes and trying to act all nonchalant he went to the nearest chair. Fred and Wesley weren’t as quick, and stood there a few seconds, their arms still around one another, until they noticed the picture they must portray.

“Umm this isn’t what it looks like.” Wesley’s statement came out more like a question.

“Really? It looks like you’re all one short of the Teletubbies in here. And what’s with all this stuff?” Walking around to take stock of the missing office supplies Cordelia stopped when she reached the Dry-Erase board. “You’ve been looking for Willow?”

“Merry Christmas.” Three voices mumbled.

“We wanted it to be a surprise.” Wesley whispered.

Cordelia’s back was to them, so they didn’t see the tears that came from her eyes. The room stayed in an awkward silence until Cordelia spun around and hugged the nearest person. “It's the best-ruined surprise I’ve ever had.” Gunn hugged Cordelia cry on his shoulder until she was all cried out. “I take it by your bouncing that you found her?”

“Not really. But we have a strong lead.” Wesley handed Cordelia a handkerchief, and winced when she loudly blew her nose into it.

“Well what are we waiting for? There’s a vampire still to surprise.” Fred grinned and clapped her hands.

“Welcome to ‘Operation: Willow for Christmas’.” Cordelia grinned blowing her nose on last time and handing the hankie back to Wesley.

“There’s just something about the first snow of the season.” Maddy sighed as she watched the large white flakes drift gracefully to the earth.

“Yeah all the slush it makes, ice coated roads.” Willow muttered from the back of the store.

“Are you telling me Kaddy that you’re not a winter person?” Maddy looked from the window in mock dismay.

“Last year was really my first *real* winter, well if you don’t count that one time that it snowed...but that was different. I just see snow as on huge chore. It needs to be shoveled, and plowed. When it’s done snowing it just turns brown and icky from the dirt.” Willow counted off the reasons as she polished the bookshelves.

“But what about being the first one to take a walk in the pristine white snow. Walking with someone you care about under the iced branches. It can be truly romantic.”

Willow made a rude sound at the mention of romance. “Romance is for fools.”

Maddy’s eyebrows shot up at Willow’s cynicism. “Bitter much Kaddy?”

Willow stopped and put her polishing rag down. “I’m sorry. It’s the time of year.”

“Come here child.” Maddy waved Willow over to the window. Willow thought of declining, but the determined glint in the older woman’s eyes let Willow know that this was no arguing matter. Walking over to stand besides Maddy, Willow found herself positioned in front of the woman looking out through the window.

“Tell me what you see.”

Willow sighed. “I see Mr. Shaw across the street picking his nose .”

“No he isn’t... Well he is, now isn’t that disturbing. Okay besides Mr. Shaw’s troubling vision of poor hygiene what do you see?”

“People rushing around, spending way too much money on a commercial holiday.”

“Kaddy...” Maddy nearly growled. “Let me tell you what I see. I see a young woman who has locked herself away from the world. A young woman with special powers that is scared that she’ll hurt the ones she loves. Someone who is so alone day after day that she’s becoming bitter and will eventually be known as that weird old woman with all the cats.”

“Hey I have one cat thank you very much.” Willow halfheartedly tried to lighten the tense moment.

“Someone who has forced herself to look at the world from the outside. You can’t stay here forever Kaddy. It’s not healthy. You’ve made no attempt to be a part of this town. Hiding away in that tiny apartment.”

“Is this your way of firing me?”

“Goddess no. But I wont stand by any longer *Willow* and let you turn your back on the world.” Maddy felt the young woman in front of her tense at her real name. “I might be an old lady, but I’m no fool. I also read Mr. Strickland’s diary. It didn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out which one you were.”

“You aren’t mad are you?” Willow’s voice sounded so alone and dejected.

“No. I understand why you did what you did. But you’ve become a stronger person since then, and it’s high time you started acting like it.” Maddy moved away from Willow and the window.

“I don’t think I’m ready to talk to anyone from the group yet.”

“No I don’t think you are either. Their behavior was inexcusable.” Maddy stopped and turned back toward Willow. “Look out the window and tell me what you see now.”

Willow shifted her body to look out the window again. She knew that Maddy had slipped off into the office and really wasn’t waiting for a response. She just wanted her to take a closer look at the things that she had missed.

“It’s ringing.” Wesley covered the mouthpiece and whispered to his anxious audiences. After the third ring a woman’s voice answered.

“Maddy’s corner.”

“Er..yes...um” Wesley cleared his throat. “I’m looking for a Willow Rosenberg?”

There was a long pause on the other end and Wesley thought for a moment the line had been disconnected.

“Who’s asking?” The voice almost sounded threatening, and made Wesley even more nervous than he already was.

“Wesley Windham-Price. I-I’m a friend of Willow’s from LA.”

“Why didn’t you say so?” The woman’s tone turned friendly. “It’s about damn time you all started looking for her.”

Wesley felt his cheeks redden at the scolding. “Yes, errr... we just recently found out that she...left.”

Wesley stilled a recognizable voice drifted over the line. “Maddy I think I’m going to go and take a walk.” Quickly placing a hand over the receiver to block out his voice he whispered excitably.

“I heard her. Willow’s there!” Cordelia made a mad dash for the phone trying to pry it from Wesley’s grasp. “Will you get off!”

“What was that?”

It took Gunn and Fred to pull Cordelia away, so Wesley could continue on. “We were able to locate her through the book she sent Angel.”

“Well then I’m impressed. So now what are your plans?”

“Well we thought... We wanted to bring Willow home.” Wesley answered honestly.

“What if she’s not ready? She was put through a lot. Some wounds just don’t heal you know.” The voice turned bitter for a moment.

“It’s her choice. If anything we’d just like the chance to spend Christmas with her.”

The other end was silent for a moment. “Fine. Do you have a pen?”

“A pen?”

“You know a writing utensil? I was going to give you directions.” Wesley smiled in victory as he grabbed a pen and paper.
 

~Part 5~

“Angel?” Cordelia rushed down the curving stairs, pushing her right arm though the sleeves of her black leather jacket on the way down. “Angel?”

“I’m in the kitchen.” Angel called out as he heard Cordelia’s voice.

Dropping her suitcase on the ground, Cordelia headed towards the kitchen. Taking a deep breath before encountering her best friend, Cordelia tried to calm her unsteady nerves before entering the kitchen to tell him one big fat lie. “Hey. I know that this is short notice and all. But my parents just called from Vermont and want me to come out before the holidays to go skiing with them.”

“But what about Christmas?” Angel had been feeding Conner, getting more food spit back at him than in the baby’s mouth. The displeasure of having his best friend abandon him for the holidays evident in his puppy dog eyes.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back for Christmas. Turn that frown upside down Angel. It’s just for a few days. I’ll go see my parents in Vail and be back before you know it.” Cordelia bounced over to Conner planting a big kiss on his forehead.

“I thought you said your parents were in Vermont?” Angel’s face started to show his doubt.

“Yeah they are.”

“But you just said that you were going to Vail. Last time I checked Vail was in Colorado.” Setting the baby food down on the kitchen table Angel stared hard in Cordelia’s direction.

“I did? Oh I did. Riiiight. My parents are in Vermont right now, *but* will be meeting me in Vail.” Turning her back quickly so Angel couldn’t read her eyes she made her way to the door. “There’s extra bottles in the fridge. I put the baby monitor in your room on the highest volume, since you sleep like the deep...no pun intended.”

“None taken. I just don’t understand why you’re going to go. Your parents haven’t been the most supportive people in the world.” Angel felt guilty the second the words came out of his mouth. He knew Cordelia’s relationship with her parents was rocky at best. Ever since her father started to build back his fortune, they had nagged Cordelia relentlessly to leave her dead end job and live the life she was meant for. No matter how many times Cordelia would tell her parents no, they just didn’t seem to get a clue. She was no longer the debutant she once was, and didn’t desire that kind of lifestyle.

“Angel I’ll be back to spend Christmas with my family here. Don’t worry.” Cordelia walked back to where Angel was sitting and kissed his cheek. “I have a Christmas present that you are going to just love.”

Angel stopped her by placing a hand on her arm. “I don’t need any presents. Ever since I found out that Willow’s been missing I have come to appreciate my friends a whole lot more. I guess I should stop being so selfish.”

“Stop that before your brooding sucks up all the Christmas cheer around this place. “I *will* be back.” Giving him a reassuring smile Cordelia turned and hurried out the door. She felt slightly guilty about having to lie to him, but it was for a good cause.

“Angel can I have a word with you?” Wesley stopped Angel in the hallway after putting Patrick down for his afternoon nap.

Angel looked Wesley up and down, taking in the heavy jacket and scarf the other man was wearing. “Really getting into the season aren’t you Wes?”

“What? Oh yes the scarf...I have to go away for a few days. Though I’ll be back before Christmas.” Wesley’s face was beet red, and his eyes shifted as he rushed his words.

“You’re kidding! First Cordelia, now you.” Angel tried hard not to feel abandoned. “Let me guess, going to see your parents too?”

“Who me? Lord no! I’d rather step on a rusty old nail then... No actually it has to do with the scroll we’ve been trying to translate. I may have a lead. It shouldn’t take more than a few days.” Wesley hurried off without a glance back.

Angel shoved his hands in his pockets and walked sadly down the hall.

“Yo Angel.” Angel was reading hours later, and barely looked up from his book.

“Will you be back for Christmas?”

“Ah... yes.”

“Is Fred to be going soon as well?”

“Ah...no.”

“See for Christmas.”

“Yeah...see ya.”

“I don’t know about the two of you, but the look on Angel’s face broke my heart.” Cordelia looked out the window of the 747 down at the tiny sparkling lights on the ground below. Just as planned they had all met at LAX , and boarded the same plane together.

“He knows something's up. I barley got two words out before he asked if I’d be back for Christmas.” Gunn shifted in the constricting seat, unable to get comfortable. His long legs felt as though they were shoved up against his chest, and no matter how he situated his chair he felt as though he was a smushed sardine.

Cordelia heard a groan to her left and she looked over at Wesley, he had his eyes squeezed shut, and his face had a slightly greenish tint to it. “I told you not to eat the food. God only knows what airplane food is really made of.”

“I didn’t. Though the smell itself rivals any chaos demon I’ve run across. I hate flying.” Wesley gulped in mouthfuls of air. Sweat beading on his forehead.

“You? You fly to England and back at least twice a year. I thought you’d be used to it by now.” Gunn shifted as far away from the ex-Watcher as he seat would permit, praying that if Wesley blew chunks he’d make it to the bathroom to do so.

“I never said that I liked it.” Taking out a handkerchief Wesley dabbed his face. “How much longer?”

“Well seeing that we just took off an hour ago, I’d say a good three hours...before we reach Boston, to change planes.” Cordelia tired to sound optimistic.

“Oh Bloody Hell.”

“What’s going on in town?” Willow walked in from her lunch break carrying take out from a local sandwich shop.

“What are you talking about Kaddy?” Maddy asked as she watered one of the many plants in the shop. They had decided to keep calling her by the name the town knew her by. It would cause too much confusion, not to mention gossip if they just changed her name after a year.

“It looks like they’re setting up a stage in the park near the library.” Unwrapping the bright orange and red scarf from her neck, Willow hung her winter garments on the coat rack near the back door.

“Oh that’s right, you got here in January and wouldn’t have been here for this last year. It’s Camden’s annual Christmas festival. It’s a magic filled night. There’s so much to do and see. There’s skating, games for the kids, booths with local crafts, and the food! Plus the carolers get dressed in period clothing.” Maddy beamed, her face taking on a dreamy glaze.

“And everyone joins hands and there’s peace on earth.” Willow teased, still not able to entirely rid herself of the bah humbug attitude.

Maddy scoffed, “No more like children crying, parents stressing, lover’s quarreling. The people in this town are so commercialized they wouldn’t know season cheer if it bit them in the tush.”

“Now that’s the Christmas I’ve heard about.” Willow nodded.

“Heard about? You’re not telling me that those hideous beasts you call parents never gave you a decent Christmas.” Maddy stopped watering her half-dead spider plant to look at Willow.

“My family’s Jewish. Though I can count the times my parents were home for Hanukah on one hand.” Turning her back to her friend Willow didn’t want her friend to see the tears in her eyes.

“That’s horrible! Not you being Jewish, but what your parents did to you.” Maddy blushed at her slip.

“Don’t worry about it. All my Hanukah gifts were wrapped in green and red paper. My best memory of this time of the year is Snoopy.”

Maddy was relieved to see some sparkle in Willow’s eyes. “Snoopy?”

“Oh you haven’t lived until you’ve seen the Snoopy dance.” Willow’s laughter filled the store. “My friend Xander used to...” Just as quick as the light entered her eyes it disappeared again. “Anyways...I thought that I’d catalog that new shipment you got today.”

Maddy nodded sadly as Willow grabbed her bagged lunch and headed for the stairs that led down to the basement. The poor girl couldn’t even reminisce about better times without being reminded of the hurt and betrayal her so called friends had caused.

“Kaddy. What about your other friends?” Maddy called out, needing to know if she did the right thing by letting them know where to find Willow. “The ones you said moved to LA.”

Willow stopped on the third step, her heart breaking as she thought about Angel and Cordelia. “What about them?”

“I was just wondering if you had any fond memories about them?”

“My memories of them are different. Cordelia and I were never what you’d consider friends back in high school. She was a little hard to swallow if you know what I mean. But underneath her exterior she really has a heart of gold. You just have to know her to understand her. And Angel... he’s special. The harder he tries to push people away, the more he really needs them.” Willow paused a moment, trying to find the words to accurately describe her friend. “It’s said that the soul can be seen through a person’s eyes. In Angel’s case this is so true. His eyes show all of his insecurities. His pain over the crimes Angelus committed. His concern for the welfare of the people he now considers his family. Angel is an extraordinary man that has no idea of his true value.” With that Willow proceeded down the stairs, tears slipping from her eyes every step of the way.

Maddy set the watering can down and took a seat behind her makeshift desk. She could hear the difference with every word Willow spoke about the second group of friends from Willow’s past. Anytime she’d slip and mention her acquaintances from Sunnydale; the words were filled with the pain that they had caused. Maddy could tell the tiny redhead tried hard to be gracious, taking the majority of the blame on herself for the hard feelings that were created in the small unit.

But the way she’d talk about Angel and Cordelia and their group was something entirely different. Her words came out less stressful, with a little more humor. It was evident that Willow held Angel close to her heart. But there was sadness as well, stemming from not knowing how they reacted to the news of her behavior the last few months in Sunnydale.

‘Goddess please tell me that my old lady meddling ways isn’t going to harm Willow more than help her.’ Maddy silently spoke in her mind. She loved that girl like a daughter. Willow had arrived on her doorstep broken, and it was a miracle watching the witch pick up the pieces within the last year.

As much as she wanted to keep Willow by her side, Maddy knew that Willow’s path did not stop here in some small tourist town on the coast of Maine. She was meant for nobler things, and it was time to let her daughter go. Even if it meant a swift kick in the behind to get the reluctant bird out of the nest.

Angel set the phone down. He stood motionless for a moment before coming up with a course of action. Whistling a jaunty Christmassy tune, Angel strolled into the back office where Fred had holed herself up in, claiming that she wanted to get the invoices from the last week finished.

Fred jumped the second his shadow crossed her desk. Her hands started shaking, and she did everything in her power to avoid his eyes. “Fred... How’s the invoices coming along?”

“Fine. Just fine.” Using her long hair to shield her face, Fred’s words were hurried and full of anxiety.

“It wasn’t nice of Cordelia to just leave those for you. I mean the least she could have done before taking off to go skiing was finish them.” Angel leaned against the doorjamb, crossing his arms across his chest.

“It really wasn’t a problem.” Fred squeaked.

“She told me where she went skiing...Aspen right?”

“Yeah, she was really excited to go. She went on and on about how beautiful *Aspen* is this time of year.” Fred started shifting through the paperwork on the desk.

Angel had meant to pull her further into the lie, but he took pity on the girl. She looked ready to combust. She was the last person they should’ve left behind. Fred didn’t have the ability to lie on the scale this lie needed.

“Cordelia’s parents just called.... from Puerto Rico.” Angel watched as Fred’s shoulder’s drooped in surrender.

“Will you just accept that they’re in no danger and will be home soon?” Fred’s eyes pleaded him to go along with it.

“Mmm, nope. I know those three. They could go to a Girl Scout convention and get into trouble.”

Fred twisted a piece of her hair, contemplating on how to get out of this mess. She had told them that she wasn’t good at this. That the second Angel was in the same room with her he’d start to catch on. How would’ve figured that Cordelia’s parents would call ruining everything.

“TheywenttoMaine.”

Angel smiled. Fred’s words were in Willow talk and after years of knowing the redhead he had learned how to translate. “What’s in Maine?”

“Your Christmas present. And I am not going to tell you what it is mister.” Fred stood from her chair lifting her chin in defiance. “You’re going to have to wait like everyone else until Christmas to find out what it is.”

“What’s in Maine?” Angel asked again cocking an eyebrow.

“Willow....Merry Christmas.”

"So did she agree to call?" Wesley waited a full second after Cordelia hung up the phone to ask.

"Yes, after I agreed to go to dinner with them the next time they were in town. Angel *so* owes me for this one." Picking up her carry-on bag, Cordelia and Wesley joined Gunn at the gate to their second and final airplane.

"Everything cool?" Gunn asked when the two joined him.

"Of course. In about two minutes Angel is going to be getting off the phone with my Mother and will predictably go to Fred for answers." Cordelia grinned.

"Poor Fred. It's really too bad we put her in this situation." Wesley muttered.

"Girl can't tell a lie to save her life." Gunn chuckled. "So when do you think we should be expecting Angel?"

Cordelia handed her ticket to the attendant at the gate and waited for the other two to be checked in. "I'd say tomorrow night. I expect that Angel will book a flight out of LA tonight for him, Patrick and Fred. Which will get him to Portland right before sunrise. They'll have to wait until sunset to head towards Camden."

"Which by my calculations is about a two-hour drive." They were walking onto the plane and Wesley tried to seem unaffected by the thought of another plane trip.

"Wes man, you're sitting in the aisle this time. I don't care if I have to fold myself up like a pretzel." Gunn shoved his bag into the overhead
compartment. "You almost didn't make it to the bathroom the last time."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Wesley scoffed. Placing his and Cordelia's bag next to Gunn's.

"I think it was the comment 'Get the bleeding hell out of my way before-."

Wesley cleared his throat to interrupt Cordelia's poorly executed British accent. "Yes well perhaps I should take the aisle seat."

"Did you pack Patrick's 'banky', you know the blue on one with the silky stuff around the edges?" Angel asked as he rechecked the suitcases that were ready to be loaded into the car.

"Yes, and I packed extra diapers, his wipes, bottles and his clown pacifier. Angel are you sure you want to do this. Maybe we should just wait for them to get back and do a great job of being surprised." Fred wrung her hands together, hating that she was the one responsible for ruining the Christmas surprise.

"I want to be there when they see Willow for the first time." Angel didn't look up at Fred as he shoved in even more clothing for Patrick. "I really miss her. I was a horrible friend for not being there for her when she really needed someone."

"If she wanted help wouldn't she just come here?" Fred wasn't fooled by Angel's attempt to hide his guilt. She had become proficient in reading Angel's moods over the last year.

"No, not Willow. She's the type that doesn't want to 'inconvenience' anyone when she has a problem."

"Oh sort of like a vampire I know." Fred mumbled.

"What?"

"The both of you sound like two peas in a pod." Fred nervously giggled. "Neither one of you like to ask for help. You've both done some bad things in your pasts that you're ashamed of."

Angel's knew that Fred didn't know Willow except through what was said around the hotel, and he really didn't want her categorize Willow in the same slot as his demon. "What I did and what Willow did has no comparison. I butchered and terrorized thousands of innocence when I was Angelus--."

Holding up a hand Fred stopped Angel's heated denial. "Oh Angel that's not what I meant at all. I'm talking about your little problem a few years ago. You know your little walk on the darker side of things. Then that whole lying about sleeping with Darla thing." Fred waved her hands frantically, trying to show the huge disaster that was. "I mean *WOW* I thought Cordy was going to combust she was so angry. And Wes went on for days...you really don't want to relive all that do you?" Fred looked a little embarrassed over her outburst.

"No, not really. Can't say it was the proudest moments of my life." Angel calmed a little, but still didn't want Fred to get any preconceived opinions of Willow. "I'm going to put the suitcases in the car, if you'll go up and get Patrick." Fred nodded and happily hurried up the stairs. Angel waited for a moment pondering on Fred's odd but effective words. She had pointed out something that he had taken for granted, again. What he put his friends through during his 'dark funk period', as Delia coined it, just outlined how magnificent his friends truly were.

Sure they had been angry over his actions, they defiantly had ever reason to be. Even though his first couple of month's back after he fired them was rocky at best, that too was understandable. In fact had they just allowed him back with warm fuzzies he would have wondered at their intentions, it wasn't in a humans nature to just get over betrayal like that.  But in the end he had earned their trust again.

But what Willow had been put through was ludicrous. Her *friends* allowed her back into the fold, but never really intended to forgive her for her past crimes. Which made every one of them a hypocrite. At one time or another they had all fallen. Made huge, almost unforgivable mistakes, but they had always been absolved of their particular crimes. With Willow, there was no option for forgiveness, plus the group turned around and asked her to cast 'just a little spell'. That'd be like his friends asking him to go just a little evil. It just didn't make sense.

Willow sat back on her heels and let out a long sigh. She had spent most of the day in the dark and moldy smelling basement, cataloging every book she could get her hands on. Rationally Willow knew she was hiding away from Maddy, or actually the question the older lady had Willow asking herself as. It was the questions Maddy had inadvertently caused Willow to start asking herself.

What was she going to do? Hide here forever? She defiantly couldn't return to Sunnydale and her old way of life. Not when she couldn't even talk about the good times she and her friends once had, let alone the bad ones. Thinking of Xander and Buffy gave her a pounding headache, throw in Anya, Dawn and Spike her stomach would get all queasy. Then top that with the guilt she felt over Amy, it was just enough to send her to the loony bin.

But what about going to LA, joining up with Angel and the rest? Could they forgive her for the terrible mess she created in Sunnydale, or would they treat her with the same contempt? Honestly Willow knew she couldn't take another rejection like that. To have the people she held closest to her heart treat her like some horrible evil they fought so hard to rid the earth of.

Rubbing her temples, hoping to find some relief. So may what ifs swam around in her already full head. Standing after awhile, she stretched out her cramped limbs. She'd think about what her next step should be after the New Year. Right now she needed to go find Maddy a gift.

Rubbing small circles on Patrick's back, Angel smiled at the soft snore that came from the little boy. For an infant, Patrick was a real trooper. He'd only cried once, and that had been during take off. It was Fred who realized what was wrong with the little tyke. She quickly explained that it was the change of air pressure in the cabin that was hurting his tender ears, and after a quick bottle Patrick fell into a peaceful sleep.

Angel wondered how Willow was going to react to the news of him having a child. Would she be happy for him? Or would the thought that he had slept with Darla poison her mind?

"You have that look again." Fred whispered. "You're scaring the flight attendants and I really want a drink."

"What look?"

"That look you get when you're fret over something you can't change. The longer you dwell on it, the more intimidating you get.  For the people that don't know you they can get a little alarmed."

Angel pondered on that for a moment. "I'm worried about what Willow will think of Patrick."

"She'll fall in love with him like everyone else has." Fred assured.

"The old Willow would, but what if she's changed?" Angel sighed.

"Angel everybody changes, they can't help not to. But from what I've heard about her I doubt that she'll reject something as precious as Patrick." Smiling, Fred reached over to caress the sleeping infant's cheek. "She means a lot to you doesn't she?"

"Who? Willow?"

"Yeah." Fred nodded. "You didn't fret this much when you had to tell Buffy. In fact I believe your words were 'It doesn't matter what Buffy thinks, it's not going to change a thing'. And that was about the girl you claim to have been your soul mate."

Angel grimaced. He had said that, and it still rung true. How Buffy had felt, or did feel to this day meant nothing to him. He knew that she would never see Patrick as the cute adorable baby that he was. As always she'd view it as how the situation affected her. That Patrick was a breathing symbol of his betrayal to her. "I thought she was."

"So tell me more about Willow." Fred sat back against her seat, smiling at the way Angel's face softened when he thought of Willow.

"You're going to really like her. When I met her she was this shy quiet girl. She always saw herself as some plain nobody. But I could see the woman she'd one day become." Angel shifted Patrick up higher on his shoulder. "She has a quirky sense of humor that most people don't get. Her friendship and loyalty comes with no strings attached. She's actually very attractive, but I think her intellect scares most people."

"I can't wait to meet her. Wesley told me that she's extremely intelligent. That she was excepted into several Ivy league schools by her junior year in High School. It'll be nice to talk to someone who understands what I'm saying instead of thinking I'm some kind of freak."

"I think she's going to like you too Fred." Angel couldn't help but chuckle at Fred's eagerness.

"I may be out of line when I say this, so tell me to butt out if I am. But Willow sounds more like the person I see as your soul mate. But then again I never met Buffy." Fred fiddled with the seatbelt, hoping she hadn't stepped on any toes. She had heard of the love Angel and Buffy had shared. Cordelia had gone on hour upon hour retelling of the ill fated relationship that at times Fred had to remind herself that she hadn't been there to actually witness that disaster in the making. To Fred Buffy just didn't sound like a very nice person. Not a girl she could see Angel with.

Angel was speechless. A part of him, the part that stubbornly clung to the fact that he and Buffy had been meant to be, wanted to deny Fred's words. But the other part, the one that knew he had once loved the slayer, wanted to admit that, yes Willow was defiantly someone he wouldn't mind spending the rest of his life making happy. So instead he chose to stay silent and ponder what exactly it was he felt of the once shy and
innocent redhead.

"I don't get it." Cordelia shivered and wrapped her arms tightly around her waist. "I was positive that Angel would've been pounding down the door hours ago."

"Perhaps we underestimated Fred." Wesley suggested rubbing his hands together.

Gunn's teeth chattered in his head, as the trio walked from the Bed and Breakfast they were staying, to the Christmas festival just a few blocks away. They had been so smug that their plan was going so perfectly, and that they had their friends pegged to a tee, they never imagined that Angel, Patrick and Fred wouldn't show up.

"How can anyone stand this freezing cold weather? I swear my butt just went numb." Gunn tried to stop his teeth from trembling. He wished he had listened to Wesley and worn that vile looking knit ski cap.

Turning right onto Maine Street they all gasped at the sudden transformation. Every tree was strung with white twinkling lights. Wreaths hung from the old-fashioned lamppost that lined the street. Some stores were still open, for those who wished to get in some shopping.  But most of the people walking about were heading toward a park where a stage and several stands had been set up. Carolers in old fashion dress walked among the crowd, singing in perfect harmony.

"Wow, this place is just one picket fence short of being Mayberry." Cordy snickered as she watched a crowd gather around a group of singers.

"Yes the town does have that feel to it." Wesley muttered as he looked around. "At least Willow has been safe living here. I hear that the crime rate is embarrassingly low. I bet most of the residents don't even bother locking their homes up at night."

"That's so..." Cordelia took another look around the quiet town. "Boring. My God how do people survive here? Even during a festival it's way too quiet. The nearest mall is over an hour away. And I was positive that  *every* town had to have at *least* one Starbucks. This place isn't even a *one* Starbucks town. I don't know how Willow hasn't gone insane here."

"Some people think this place is... quaint. The fast paced world has no place here." Wesley ignored the look Cordy gave him.

Gunn could see an argument in the making and decided to get them back on track. "So what's the plan now that Fred... is right across the street?" Gunn stepped off the sidewalk and right into a slush puddle. Closing his eyes and holding back an ugly remark. Cordelia and Wesley scanned the throng of people on the other side of the street until they saw Fred and Patrick.

"It's about time." Cordelia walked around Gunn who was shaking the excess water from his feet. "Fred?"

"Cordy, you don't know how happy I am to see you. Angel said to meet him here near Santa, oh and I'm so sorry I told him but your Mother called from Puerto Rico and well Angel-."

"It's okay Fred." Cordelia took a squirming Patrick from Fred, placing a big juicy kiss on the top of his head. "What do you mean that Angel said he'd meet you here?" Wesley asked as he took Patrick away from Cordelia.

"Well Angel dropped Patrick and I off at the hotel about an hour ago. He said that there was something he had to do and that he'd met us here." Fred smiled as a young couple walked by hand in hand. "Isn't this place so romantic? Did you know that they filmed Payton's place here?"

"Let me guess a movie about a very boring small town?" Fred made a face at Gunn and laughed.

"Hello? Can we get back to the topic here? Where's Angel?"

Fred blushed at Cordelia's reprimand, "I don't know. Perhaps we should find where Santa is. If anything I bet Patrick would love to visit Old Saint Nick. "

"Right, because what would Christmas be if some grown man dressed in a Santa's suite didn't make small children scream and cry." Wesley paled as they walked in a group to the park.

"You were scared of Santa weren't you?" Gunn teased.

"No I wasn't."

"Wes man that's the saddest thing I've heard."

"Do you ever shut up?"

"Kaddy what are you doing child?" Maddy looked down at Willow, who was sitting Indian style on the floor surrounded by mounds of papers, folders and ledgers.

"Well I was trying to file away the paperwork from this month. But all the files are mixed up and I thought I'd go through them. Then I decided that I
should just reorganize the office. I know how you feel about computers, but-.  "

Maddy rolled her eyes, and took a giant step over the lose papers to her office chair. "Liar. You were trying to come up with a reason to get out of joining me at the festival tonight."

"Did it work?" Willow made her best puppy dog expression, only to be scoffed at by Maddy.

"Not on your life. Grab your jacket." Maddy waited. She was not going to let Willow ruin the carefully laid plans she had spent the last hour making. Even if it meant having to physically force the redhead to the park, she would. "Look closely *Willow* this is *my* resolve face. I have many more years of practice, and I think you will find that I will not take no for an answer. So let's do this the easy way."

Willow thought for a moment, studying the stubborn expression on her friend's face. "Fine. But this doesn't mean that I'll like it."

"Not unless I tell you to."  Maddy snorted as Willow got her jacket, "You're not going to pout are you?"

"I don't pout. I retaliate." Willow laughed as she walked out into the crisp December night.

Maddy led the way to the park, stopping occasionally to say hello to a familiar face. Willow had to admit that she really didn't mind getting out of the shop, it was just the getting out that was the hardest part. But once outside it was kinda nice to be a part of the world again.

"So Kaddy I've been thinking." Maddy slowed down once they reached the park, linking her arm through Willow's. "You've never sat on Santa's lap before have you?"

Willow threw her head back and laughed. "No, I can't say that I have." It was hard not to let the Christmas merriment get to her.

"Well then before this night is over, I will want a picture of you sitting on Saint Nick's jolly lap. Let's just hope that he doesn't get *too* jolly."
Maddy winked over at Willow's blushing face.

They enjoyed looking around at the different booths, sipping on hot chocolates and nibbling on treats. It had been a long time since Willow had allowed herself to relax and have fun.

It was perhaps an hour after they had arrived to the park, when Maddy was busy talking to on of the locals and Willow heard a peculiar voice that stopped her in her tracks. Scanning the crowd, she chastised herself for being silly. Turning back to Maddy, Willow offered a tentative smile at Maddy's questioning look.  They looked at a few more booths, when Willow looked up and stood in shock.

Not standing five feet from her was a male that looked just like Wesley. Before Willow could make herself move, the crowd shifted and the person she had been staring at disappeared.

"Kaddy? What is it? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"I think I might have." Willow scanned the crowd. "Maddy if I were to tell you that just a few moments ago I thought I heard Cordelia, and just now I thought I saw Wesley what would you say?"

"That you've had one too many of Mrs. Olsen's Hot Toddies." Maddy teased, but started searching the crowed as well. It wouldn't do for the surprise to fall through  at the last second. "Look there's the line for Santa." Maddy nearly pulled Willow's arm out of its socket.

"Maddy I thought you were kidding about that." Willow dragged her feet. There was a line of children anxiously waiting to sit on Santa's lap and whisper to him their Christmas wishes. Willow tried several times to talk Maddy out of having to make a spectacle of herself. But Maddy just shook her head, saying she wanted a picture to put on her mantel.

"Your sick in the head you know." Willow glowered when she was at the head of the line. "Making a Jewish girl sit on Santa's lap."
 
"I know dear." The older woman tried to look happy, but Willow caught the tear that was falling down from her friend's eye.

"Maddy what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just being a foolish old woman." Maddy wiped away the tears. "Now I want you to listen to me Willow. I love you with all of my heart. Just as any Mother would their child." Maddy gave Willow a slight shove toward Santa as the child that had occupied Santa's lap was carried away by his Father. Willow wanted to ask Maddy what she had meant, but the over eager elf was already pulling her to the overstuffed Santa-wanna-be.

Walking down the crimson carpet Willow stopped short of the throne. Feeling as though everyone's eyes were on her, she all of a sudden understood why kids got so scared.

"Don't be shy." Santa slapped a hand on his knee, making Willow burst out into nervous giggles. The entire situation was bizarre. She was standing before some overstuffed make believe Santa, who probably was some local lobsterman, being told to sit upon his lap like she was some timid child. Taking a hesitant step toward him and slipping up onto his lap, Willow laughed again. All of a sudden it felt so right to just let go and be happy.

"So tell Santa what you want for Christmas, Little One."  Willow jumped a little when an arm wrapped around her waist. Something about the voice caught her attention.

"I...I don't know." Willow answered honestly.

"Everyone knows what they want." Willow could feel the fake beard tickling her ear. "Close your eyes and say the first thing that comes to mind." Something about the voice calmed her nerves. Made her feel safe. The pervious uncomfortable feeling of sitting on some stranger's lap vanished, and a feeling of tranquility warmed her from the inside out.

Closing her eyes, she let her mind go blank. Blocking out the crowd's hum, the Christmas music playing in the background, everything until all she could hear was herself. She let everything that had happened over the last year vanish, and concentrated on what she wanted. "I want my life back for Christmas. I want to make a difference in this world again." There the words were said, and she felt a heavy weight being lifted off her shoulders.

Willow opened her eyes and for the first time looked into the eyes of the person playing Santa. The chocolate brown orbs seemed achingly familiar. Time seemed to stand still, she wasn't sure if she was breathing. She knew those eyes; they had haunted several of her dreams.

Swaying slightly, Willow tried to take deep breaths. It couldn't be. As tears spilled from her eyes and her lower lip quivered she looked straight into the beautiful brown eyes that were staring back at her. "What do you want...for Christmas?"

A white-gloved hand lifted to her face wiping away the tears. "I want a certain little witch who cares more for others than herself to come home. I want to hear her laughter ringing through out my life. I want to watch her mature into the strong and willful woman I know she'll one day be. I want my friend back."

Lifting a trembling hand to the fuzzy white beard Willow gave a little tug, exposing Angel's handsome face. "A-Angel? How...Why?"

"I've missed you...We've missed you."

Willow's entire body shook as so began to cry. "I don't know if I can. I-I'm so ashamed."

Red velvet arms circled her waste, pulling her trembling body close. "Shhh, there's nothing to be ashamed of Willow. The path that we've chosen isn't an easy one. The things that we see, the things that we do aren't always crystal clear and good. We fight for good, but it doesn't always mean that we are perfect. We make mistakes and it's what we do after that defines us." Lifting her chin and turning it so to look over at the small group that gathered feet away he continued. "Look Willow. Open your eyes and look at the people that have missed you, who want you by their
side in their lives."

Willow looked and gasped in surprise. Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn and Fred were standing just feet away. All had tears in their eyes as they watched the scene. Willow felt her heart explode at the sight of the familiar faces.  "None of us is perfect. We all fall flat on our faces from time to time; and it's up to us to help one another get back on our feet. We're a family, and we want you to come home and be a part of it." Kissing the top of her head, he nodded to Cordelia who picked up Patrick from his stroller and walked forward. "Besides, I think that my son needs a positive role model in his life."

Willow stopped crying in an instant, her eyes glued to the bundle Cordelia was carrying. Turning to the man who's lap she was sitting on she searched his eyes for answers. "H-How?"

"It's a long story. But the short version is, Darla gave birth to him." Angel looked steadily into her eyes, needing to see her reaction. But Willow turned and slipped from his lap. Once her feet hit the ground she walked slowly to meet Cordelia, her eyes never leaving the tiny infant.

"We've missed you Willow." Cordelia kissed Willow's cheek.

"I've missed you too." Willow took a deep breath and lifted up her hands. "May I?"

Cordelia looked down at Patrick, then back up to Willow. Without any hesitation Cordelia nodded and let Willow take Patrick from her embrace. "He's so beautiful." Willow looked down and laughed softly at Patrick's wide eyes.

Turning back to where Angel was sitting Willow made her way back to him and his lap. With his help Willow sat again on his knee. "Angel he...he's so perfect."

Angel felt his throat constrict. Forever he would remember this sight. Willow sitting on his lap, holding his baby, with a soft smile on her lips.
Patrick studying her, his tiny hand reaching for a strand of her hair. "I think he likes you." He whispered into her ear.

"I hope so. Because I think I'm falling in love with him." Willow laughed as Patrick gave a hearty tug on the fistful of hair he had latched onto.

"So does this mean you'll come home?" Wesley asked from behind. Willow looked at the faces of her friends, then past the group to where Maddy stood. Her older friend walked forward, giving a nod.

There was a moment of hesitation as Willow tried to sort through all her emotions. "Yes..." Turning to Maddy, Willow looked at her friend with pleading eyes. "You're always saying that your old bones could take a break from the winter chill. There's no snow in LA..."

Maddy laughed. "Willow this has always been my home. But perhaps this is the Goddess's way of giving me a swift kick in the rear to another path in life. I suppose I could move my business there."

"Great it's settled." Gunn rubbed his hands together trying to give some warmth to his frozen fingers. "Now can we get inside before we all freeze to death?"

Everyone laughed and Angel tucked away that one moment into the back of his mind. He remembered every expression, every tear. So that way whenever he wanted he could pull it out this memory and remember. The year he got Willow for Christmas.

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