Summary: Dark fic told from Willow POV. She is trying to deal with her recent trek to the dark side of magick and failing miserably.
Disclaimer: Willow is owned by Joss, ME, and all them over there. The song Coma White is owned by Marilyn Manson.
Distribution: NHA, anyone else just e-mail me.
Author's Notes: Like I said it's a dark fic. I just heard this song and it came to mind.
Feedback: ghoztstarz@yahoo.com I would love feedback. It's my life blood that keeps me writing.
A/N:I'm having a hard time finding a good song to use for the sequel to this. If anyone has a suggestion please let me know. Thanks!
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I messed up this time. Bad. She died and I just can't take it. I need her. Now everyone whispers behind my back. No one trusts me anymore. Not even my best friend Xander. I probably deserve this. Especially after almost killing Dawn. That night still haunts me.
They think that I'm getting better. Non-magick Willow is a good Willow. I smile on occasion to keep up the show. They really can't see how much pain I'm in. I despise each and every one of them.
Buffy, for her second chance that she never thanked me for. I thought I was doing her a favor. How was I to know she was in heaven? I'm not psychic. Just a witch, who can no longer practice.
Xander, for his blatent disregard for my feelings lately. I was always there for him. Now all he does is half-heartedly listen to me when I try to share my feelings. He doesn't really care. I'm not the same Willow as I once was. I think I scare him.
Dawn, well, I really can't hate Dawn. I did her wrong. She has every right to be mad at me.
Giles, for not teaching me how to control my magick early on. I'm sure if I was to put the blame on any one, besides where it belongs that is, I would blame him. He knew I needed to be taught properly. He knew one day I would lose control. Oh well, what's done is done.
I really can't do this anymore. The magick feels like it's literally eating me from the inside out. I have to get out. I have to go. They don't need me here anyways. I'm nothing more then a burden to them now.
~There's something cold and blank behind her
smile
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile~
Tara would have helped me through this. Well, she would have if she was alive. She was perfect, Tara. She could bring out the best in me, and she did when she was alive. Now, no one wants me. I'm not sure I want them to either. I feel cast out and alone. Just what I deserve really.
~"you were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"~
I left the happy Summers' home. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to leave. The whispers and side glances to see if I was cracking were getting to me. I thought I might just crack to prove them right. So, I left. My parents left me a nice trust fund. I stayed at hotels, the really run down kind. I changed my name. I didn't want to be Willow anymore. Willow was weak, not someone I could be, but then I am Willow. Kind of funny when you think about it.
~A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself~
I don't know how long I was gone. Didn't know if anyone even noticed really. My wanderings took me all over California. I don't know if it was fate that landed me in Los Angeles. The city of Angels. Angel's city. Of all the places to finally end up. Ironic isn't it? Sounds like something the fates would do.
I don't know what brought me up to that walkway above the highway. I just ended up there. I was in an alcohol induced stupor, you know. I really don't know how I got the knife either. I don't remember bringing one. It wasn't my anthame or my beltane. Just an ordinary pocket knife. Amazingly sharp really. It just sliced through my skin so easily. I remember just looking at the blood run and thinking that Spike would have thought it a waste.
~Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls~
I lost consciousness after a few minutes. I think I cut too deep. I opened my eyes I think, not in the real world but in another place. Possibly heaven. Tara was there. She had the saddest look on her face. My heart fell. I knew I had disappointed her. I think I cried. I didn't feel the tears, more the idea that I was crying. She still looked perfect. I knew if I died, right then and there, I would not go to heaven.
~"you were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"~
I think I struggled to wake up then. I didn't want to go to hell. I didn't want Tara to be disappointed in me. I wanted to live. I needed to come back. I opened my eyes in the real world. Someone was leaning over me with the same disappointed look that Tara had. Disappointing Tara wasn't enough? I had to make another person look at me that way. I hate that look.
The person looked familiar, dark hair, dark eyes. I know him. Oh yes, this person was an angel. THE Angel to be exact. He's come to save me from myself. That's, after all, what he does best.
~A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself~