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"What? What is it now?" I ask.
"Nevermind. You'd never go for it anyway," Angelus says, turning his back on me.
I spin him back around saying, "Let me be the judge of that and just fucking tell me. I'm sick of these games and I've had enough of your double-talk."
I watch as Angelus smiles, thinking I don't see him. He's up to something, I just know it. I know it because I would be up to something if I were him. But I am him. And damn is this confusing. He is me, I am him, and yet, here we are. Separate. Disconnected. I can no longer hear his voice whispering in the back of my head. I can no longer feel the demon within me.
"What did you do?" I ask, confused.
"Me? I'm not the one who fought back remember? No, that was you. You fought against your holds. Now I wish I'd done it years ago. I'd tried, but I guess you've got something special that made it possible for you to break loose," Angelus says, not at all happy about that.
"No, I just didn't want you to drain Cordelia. I didn't want her death on Willow's or my hands. There was nothing <i>special</i> about that."
"And you think you can keep death away from our precious Childe? You think that you can actually keep her from killing? From exploring what she is?" He asks, laughing.
"Yes, I can," I answer. I'm completely serious. I don't ever want Willow to go through a death at her hands. I don't ever want to have to wash blood from her hands. I don't want her to be tainted anymore then she already is. I've tainted her enough with my own blood.
"You're a fool, Angel.Liam. You can't stop it. It will happen, and when it does, you won't be around to stop it. The bloodlust will get to her. She will hear it call out to her, to her beautiful demon, and she will taste the blood of an innocent. She'll drink it down and revel in it like any other vampire. Soul, no soul, partial soul, it doesn't matter. She is still a vampire. <i>You're</i> still a vampire.
"You can't honestly stand there and tell me you haven't been tempted by the little Texan, or your cheerleader. That you haven't wanted to take a taste from some victim you just saved. You can't tell me that, because I was there. I know. I know how you ached just to have <i>one</i> small taste. To just lick at the blood as it trailed, wasted, down their necks.
"No, you're a fool, Liam. You know what it was like, fresh with a soul. You've been there, taken the innocent, and howled all night, wishing for death."
Angelus stops talking and looks at me, waiting for something. What does he want? Does he want me to agree, to tell him he's right?
"Why are you calling me Liam?" I ask, finally catching that part. I've gotten slow, or I'm too worried about Willow. I don't know what she's doing while I'm stuck here, with him.
"Haven't figured it out yet, have you?" Angelus asks, staring at me.
"Figured what out?"
"Were you always this slow?"
"Just fucking tell me and quit walking around the questions. And people say <i>I'm</i> cryptic."
Angelus laughs. What is with him? I'm missing out on the joke, on a whole lot, and I don't like it. I hate not knowing what's going on.
"Look at us. Take a good look. Wherever we are, whatever dimension we are in, we are separate. You, the soul, Liam. Me, the demon, Angelus. Here, in this place, we are truly separate. Though, it makes you wonder what's happening to our body, doesn't it?" He asks, looking up into nothingness. There's no ceiling, no cloud cover, just vast whiteness. It's blinding like the sun would be.
"Wonder if she's crying over our body, pounding on it, crying out my name.or yours. What do you think, Liam? Think she's calling for Angelus? Do you think she's calling for me, for her true Sire?"
My teeth grind. I don't want to know. If she's calling for him, it would - it would break me. I love her, damnit. I didn't want to, didn't mean to, but I do. I know that now without a doubt.
"Too bad we can't hear. Though, actually, I'm glad. I don't know if I could take her calling out for her 'Angel'," he says, making the pitch of his voice high. "So, what do you want to do about this? I have a feeling we are here for a reason, though I do wish you'd picked a better time to rise up. I could have had a lovely dinner."
Now I know where all of the self-loathing came from. Him. He was there, always, and I hated it. I still hate the fact that he's feet away from me. There is no place on Earth or any other dimension that is far enough away from him.
"I still don't know what you're talking about. Do what?"
"How much do you really hate me? The demon, not me, Angelus, but the demon, the vampire in you, how much do you hate that part of yourself? Do you hate it enough to want it gone, to be human again? To vanquish everything that has made you what you are today? Do you want to finally drop your sword?" Angelus asks. He's entirely calm...too calm. He looks directly at me and I can't hold his gaze, the intensity of it.
"You know my feelings on that," I say, looking at his cheek, avoiding his eyes. He does know, I've made it clear on multiple occasions that I hated being a vampire, that all I'd wanted was to be human again. The thought alone that it is still possible fills me with a mixture of hope and dread.
"Yes, I do, don't I. But, what would you do, if you were human again?"
I think about that for a minute. I don't think he means will I walk out in the sun either. No, he's talking in a broader scope. What would I do if I were human again? Could I still 'fight the good fight' as it were? What about Connor? What would he think of having a father who's human now? Would he still hate me? Then, there's Willow. She's barely been a vampire for a week now. Would she resent me? Would she kill me and make me again? No. No I don't want that. I wouldn't want that if I were human again.
I'd be mortal. I barely remember what it was like to be mortal, to feel <i>my</i> blood pumping through my veins and not borrowed blood. To see the sunrise. I'd seen one, experienced one on Lorne's home...but it was different.
But, along with the sun and a heartbeat comes pain, death, injuries, infections and innumerable other things that could kill me just as quick as a stake to the heart. I would be unable to protect Willow from anything, let alone myself or the rest of what I consider my family.
"I asked what you would do. It wasn't a trick question, I don't think." Angelus says, pacing impatiently. What does he want from me? What is it that he can only get from me? That's the key. I have something he wants or needs and he needs me to agree to it. I just wish I knew what it was that I have.
"What would you do, Angelus, if you were asked this?" I ask, stalling. Something is going on, something he knows about. However, if he knows, then I should know as well. Now all I need to do if figure out what he knows.
His laughter echoes off unseen walls, harsh and hard. "Me? Human again? You're mad. I'd <i>never</i> do it. To be that weak again? You should know better then to ask me a stupid question like that."
"Just as you know my thoughts on it. Why do you keep asking questions with answers you already know? What are you looking for in my answers?"
His face gives nothing away, molded out of stone. I know - I made it that way. I'd never wanted anyone to know my thoughts. It would give me away.tell too much. You could die because of it. But his eyes, the fire in them, the need to accomplish the task he's set before him gives him away - to me at least.
"The truth, maybe a hint of what you might decide. Same thing you look for in everyone's answers, no matter what the question," he says. The truth, some hidden meaning, what people really mean - when did he become so insightful?
"So, what do you think I will decide then, on this unknown question of yours? Have you figured it out yet?" I ask.
"I think I just might. So? Will you?"
"Will I what?"
"Accept me..."