The Unforgiven

Note:  Text enclosed in <   > represents thoughts or feelings. 

 Willow had almost reached her office before she noticed that Angel wasn't with her anymore.  Her first thought was that he must be lurking.  Her second that his behavior didn't surprise her at all, given how uncomfortable he'd been about coming here in the first place.  What did surprise her, though, was that he'd wander off alone in a strange place. Lastly and finally, her last thought was awful.   <No one invited Angel in...> 

 <OOPS!  Damn!>  Willow ground to a dismayed halt.  Angel wouldn't wander off like that; it simply wasn't like him.  With a sort of surrealistic horror, she realized that she'd run off without inviting her husband into the building.  Given Angel's macho display at the front door, it was unlikely that Thomas would have invited the vampire in.  Feeling horrible, Willow spun on her heel and hurried back down the hall.  <I hope he's not angry.  Worse, I hope that he isn't hurt.> 

 She rounded the corner almost in a run and slammed smack into Angel.  He was moving quickly in an attempt to catch up with her.  They collided in a jumble of flailing limbs and nearly went down.  Only Angel's superior sense of balance kept them on their feet.  Willow found herself dangling in his arms as he slowly righted himself.  She waited expectantly but he didn't put her down. 

 "Are you going to put me down?" she squeaked as he cradled her against his chest.  Willow began to worry, thinking silly and disconcerting thoughts.  <What if one of my Watchers sees me like this?!  God, he feels good...  This is going to ruin my ability to command respect.> 

 "Nope."  Her back collided with the wall and Angel's chin came to rest on top of her head.  Persistently, he pressed mentally against the shields separating their minds.  "Not until you tell me what's wrong." 

 "Angel!" she hissed.  "This is embarrassing!" 

 "I'm enjoying myself," he murmured in response. 

 "Someone's going to see us!" 

 "Don't worry."  He kissed her forehead lovingly.  "We're respectably married." 

 "You're embarrassing me!" 

 "You yelled at me for wearing tweed." 

 "You're stubborn and pigheaded!" 

 "That's not anything you didn't already know." 

 "Angel, please....  Put me down." 

 "Not until you tell me what's really wrong," he stubbornly persisted.  "You're grumpy and you've been shutting me out." 

 Willow grew quiet, her silence a guilty admission.  <He knows.  Damn.  I thought that I was good enough that he wouldn't find out.> 

 "You're not that good, Seabhaicín," he replied.  Willow winced, burying her face against his chest.  She could feel the strength of his soul pressing against hers, even through the closed link.  <All I have to do is open up and he'll take all of the pain into himself.  He'll gladly bear the burden for me, just like he always does.  But how can I do that to him again?  I should face this alone...  It's my duty.> 

 "I can tell when something's wrong.  Now, are you going to tell me or do we stay like this all night?" he asked sternly, more than willing to resort to blackmail.  "I'm really good at standing still," he reminded her.  Willow felt her stomach sink.  Angel wasn't making idle threats; she knew that he could remain in one place for hours, if need be. 

 Willow chewed her lip, waging an internal battle.  She knew he wasn't bluffing and he had her between a definite rock and a hard place, his chest and the wall.  Part of her wanted to share her turmoil with him; another part was too scared to tell him. <He'll be angry...  And so hurt...  How can I do this to him...?  It's so unfair...  I'm going to lose him...  Again...> 

 "Are you going to wear tweed?" she asked, redirecting the conversation.  Tweed provided as good a diversion as any. 

 "Are you being reasonable asking me not to?" 

 She hesitated.  "Noooo." she finally answered with reluctant honesty. 

 His lips smiled against her forehead.  "Then you tell me.  Am I going to wear tweed?" 

 She sighed.  "Yes." 

Journal of Angelus Kieran Boyle 
Tuesday, May 7, 2019 

 Willow wasn't talking and I started to get scared.  Whatever was upsetting her had to be really bad for her to be unwilling to communicate.  She'd been closing me out a lot lately.  At first I'd chalked it up to stress but I'd been becoming increasingly agitated as she grew more and more distant.  What had I done to drive her away?  Was I going to lose her? 

 Fear clenched my heart.  We'd only been together for two years.  That's not long enough to be one hundred percent certain that love will last.  Given, it had survived our twenty-year separation, but Willow had been idealizing and clinging to the lost love of her childhood.  Had she finally gotten tired of me? 

 Life without her doesn't hold much promise.  I don't want to live without her; I don't want to suffer the loneliness of the shadows again.  When I took Willow as my wife, I took her forever.  We're immortal and we belong together on a level that extends as deep as our souls.  The link may facilitate the connection between us, but it does not create it.  Our union is intrinsic to my health and happiness.  I cannot imagine life without her. 

 I opened my mouth to ask but the words wouldn't come out.  She tilted her head back at the exact same moment and clobbered me in the chin with the top of her head.  My jaw snapped shut and I damn near bit my tongue off.  Blood flooded my mouth and I began to Change on reflex.  I was so wrapped up in painful emotion that I didn't even feel the pain of the injury. 

 Willow looked me square in the eye.  "You wouldn't wear tweed if you really loved me," she informed me, her eyes bright with unshed tears.  Her lower lip pouted in wretched sorrow over having been so grievously wronged.  She looked like a little girl and a fallen angel. 

 I was stunned.  Every woman occasionally resorts to emotional blackmail or manipulation and Willow is no exception.  Before now, though, she'd never, ever sunk so low.  With one fell blow, she hit below the belt and left me feeling like the most wretched creature that ever walked the face of the earth.  Before she'd even finished sniffling, the tweed jacket was off. 

 It was too late.  She began weeping in my arms, crying like the child I fell in love with so many years ago.  Her soft red hair hung in little wisps about her face and her green eyes shed the brightest tears.  I growled in frustration and anger, holding her close and longing to kill someone.  Women!  Why?!  What had I done now?! 

 For one terrible moment, I found myself comparing her to Dru.  Helpless, dreamy, wacko Drusilla...  The comparison frightened me senseless.  Willow is nothing like Dru; she's so firmly rooted in sanity that I'm a psychopath by comparison. 

 "I took off the damn jacket!" I ground out at her in frustration. 

 As abruptly as they'd begun, Willow's tears ceased.  "You don't really *want* to take it off," she whined petulantly. 

 Of course I didn't want to take it off, but I was too scared not to.  I kept my mouth shut and clutched her close with brutal strength.  I looked down at her and realized that blood from my mouth had dripped onto her face.  There were droplets on her forehead and a few red, watery streaks combining with her tears. 

 "I want you to be happy," I replied.  It was the only thing I could say.  "When did I stop making you happy, Willow?  Tell me what I did wrong and I'll fix it." 

 She shook her head and tried to rub away the tears with the back of her hand.  "It's not you, Angel.  It's me.  I--" 

 Abruptly, our privacy was shattered as two intruders came barging into the very public hallway.  I was already tense.  Their intrusion startled me so thoroughly that I jumped about three feet and vanished from plain sight.  Willow wound up staggering to keep her footing. 

 I hadn't meant to release her so suddenly, but my combat reflexes are nearly impossible to suppress.  I honestly don't even try because I need them too much.  Fortunately, I didn't wind up needing them this time and I didn't accidentally harm one of the intruders.  They were only a couple of Watchers, a young man and a woman, just passing through.  Apparently, I'd moved so quickly that they hadn't even seen me.  They rushed to Willow, alarmed and dismayed by her tears and her ragged appearance. 

 They exclaimed over the blood on her face and asked if she'd been attacked.  They searched her for injuries and talked about intruders.  I deemed it wisest to remain unseen, seeing as how I'd not yet calmed down enough to Change back.  I didn't particularly feel that we needed an audience right then either.  Emotions were running too high and there was no telling what some fool might do when confronted with an upset vampire arguing with a young woman in tears. 

 The whole time, I hovered as close to Willow as I dared.  I wouldn't have left her for anything, not fire or sunlight or a brassed off Slayer...  Eventually, the Immortal Watcher managed to calm her children and send them scurrying.  By then, I was so confused and frightened that even letting her, my soul mate, see me posed a risk that I was reluctant to take. 

 You can't dump someone you can't find. 

 Judith and Simon finally calmed down and went on their way.  Willow sighed, feeling bad.  The young Watchers had only wanted to help her and she'd resorted to snarling to get rid of them.  The bad feelings only added to her burden of guilt.  <Lately, I've been snarling at everyone, even those closest to me.  Especially those closest to me...  If I'm not careful, I'm going to drive Angel away...> 

 Willow blinked back tears and looked around.  There was no sign of the vampire in question.  She sighed mournfully and her spirits dropped farther.  <Great.  Now he's hiding from me.  I know that he didn't go anywhere...  He wouldn't.> 

 "Angel?" she turned, searching for him with all of her mental abilities.  "Please come out."

 No response. 

 "Angel?" 

 Still, no response.  Willow tried the link in vain but it was as if he'd vanished off the face of the earth. 

 "Please?  We really need to talk." 

 Slowly, she sank to her knees and knelt on the cold hardwood floor.  "I love you," she whispered.  "And I don't know how to tell you this, so I guess I just will." 

 "Angel, I'm pregnant." 

 A heavy thud greeted her ears.  Astonished, Willow jerked her head up in time to see Angel land flat on his back.  With a sickening crack, the vampire's head impacted with the hardwood floor and he knocked himself out cold.