I'll Remember

Author: Dayna

Distribution: TPWFLD; otherwise please ask.

Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me. They belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The song 'I'll Remember' belongs to Madonna.

Rating: PG

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The evening had started out like so many others, friends out having fun, but a series of occurences would result in a life changing tragedy for everyone.
 

The gang had been hanging out at the Bronze. Later that night, Buffy and her date decided to go back to her house, and only Cordelia, Xander, and Willow remained. Willow had noticed tension between her best friend and his girlfriend, but hadn't commented on it. But the tension exploded when a guy walked by and said hello to Cordelia. Willow recognized him as the captain of the football team, a former boyfriend of Cordelia's. Xander became angry, and he and Cordelia began fighting. Willow was able to figure out that Xander had caught Cordelia and the football player together behind the school earlier that day. The fight escalated and Xander stormed out of the Bronze. Cordelia rejected Willow's suggestion to go after him, and instead headed to the bathroom. Willow had gone out in search of her friend.
 

Willow caught up to Xander in the park. She tried to convince him to come back to the Bronze, to talk to Cordelia about what happened. Xander was too angry, he said he never wanted to see Cordelia again. He didn't know what had gotten into him, dating her in the first place. Willow listened patiently, knowing that once Xander cooled down, he would listen to reason. He would never get that chance, as they were suddenly attacked by two vampires. Xander fought and managed to kill one of them, but the second one had grabbed Willow. Xander didn't hesitate when he attacked the vampire. Willow was thrown to the ground, and watched in horror as the vampire snapped Xander's neck. Willow screamed hysterically, crawling over to Xander and holding his lifeless body. She didn't see the vampire come toward her, and she wasn't aware of the vampire exploding into dust. Rocking back and forth, crying uncontrollably, Willow held onto her best friend....the man she had loved for years. She was vaguely aware of hands on her shoulders, and a body supporting her from behind, whispering words of comfort.
 

Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing.
Outside I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing.
And I'll remember the love that you gave me now that I'm standing on my own,
I'll remember the way that you changed me.
I'll remember.
 
 

Angel knelt behind the sobbing girl. He wished there was something he could do to stop the pain she was feeling. If only he had arrived a couple minutes earlier, maybe he could have saved Xander. It had become a ritual of his to follow Willow whenever she went out at night. But, he had been distracted by seeing Buffy and her date leave the Bronze. And when he had looked back, he noticed that Willow and Xander had left. Angel went after them, but it was too late. He owed her so much, she was the only true friend he had. She had been there for him when he returned, but when she had needed him the most, he hadn't been there for her. Angel tightened his hold on Willow.

Willow alternated between yelling, cursing, and crying. She cursed the one who had killed Xander, but she also yelled at herself for following Xander. It was her fault that he had died. Her best friend was dead because of her. She had followed him when she knew he'd rather be alone, determined to be there for him. She wanted to be the one he leaned on.

<Look what my selfishness has caused!>

If she'd left him alone, then Xander would have gotten home safely. Even if the vampires had still attacked, he would've been able to run.
 

Willow sat holding Xander's head in her lap, while being supported by Angel. That was the way Buffy found them. Willow heard Angel telling Buffy what had happened, but she said nothing. Buffy talked to her, trying to reach Willow through the tears that ran down her own face, but she said nothing. Willow didn't react at all, until Buffy moved Xander's body, then she began shaking and struggling. Angel gathered Willow into his arms rocking her gently until she settled down, and then he took her home. Angel stayed with Willow, while Buffy and Giles took care of Xander.

The next few days passed in a shocked blur. Cordelia had been devastated when she found out, and Buffy was trying to hide her own pain while dealing with her friend's. But, as the days passed, their grief was mingled with fear. Fear of losing another friend. Since the night of Xander's death, Willow had gone into an almost catatonic state. She didn't sleep, didn't eat, wouldn't talk to anyone. Buffy, Cordelia, and Giles all tried to get through to the distraught girl, but she never even acknowledged their presence. They weren't even sure she was aware of them, but they all agreed they needed to do something. Willow was slipping farther and farther away from them. Then Buffy remembered the way Willow had held onto Angel that night. She knew that Willow still considered Angel a friend, and had spent time with him. Maybe he would be able to get through to Willow.

After Buffy came to him, asking him to help Willow, Angel began visiting her nightly, and it soon became as much for his sake as hers. He told her things that he'd never told anyone before. And, a little at a time, she began coming around. It was slow at first, but when she finally acknowledged him and made eye contact, he had to stop himself from grabbing her into a bear hug. Angel was patient, and told Willow that he'd be there for every little step she took. And when, several months later, she talked for the first time, it was Angel's name that she spoke.

Willow refused to discuss Xander with anyone but Angel. She couldn't handle talking to Buffy or Cordelia about him or what had happened that night. A part of her believed that they blamed her for Xander's death, just as she blamed herself. With Angel, she could express everything she was feeling. He listened to her, and never tried to tell her how she should feel. They spent hours talking about everything and anything. Memories long forgotten began surfacing, and with them came the guilt. Angel tried to convince Willow that what happened wasn't her fault, but deep inside she knew it was.
 

It had been six months since Xander's death, and Willow was being destroyed by the guilt she felt. Buffy and the others tried everything they could, but nothing helped. She was back in school, but was a long way from healthy. When Willow was around them, she acted like everything was fine, but they knew she was being torn apart. She was back with them physically, but emotionally she had never been farther away. They had to pray that Angel would be able to get through to Willow once again.
 

Willow sat in the park, staring at the spot where Xander had died. She could recall every detail of that night. It kept replaying over and over in her head.

"What are you doing here, Willow?"

"Returning to the scene of my crime."

Angel went to sit next to Willow. She was so pale and fragile, and he knew that if he said the wrong thing, it would be enough to push her over the edge. Buffy and the others weren't the only ones afraid of losing Willow.

"You did nothing wrong. The only one to blame is the one who killed him. And you're not the only one who feels guilty, we all do. It's normal, under the circumstances. But, you have to let it go."

"What do you mean? Why should anyone else feel guilty? We were alone when it happened."

"Think about it, Willow. Buffy feels guilty because she was at home with a date when her friend was murdered; Cordelia feels guilty because she and Xander had fought, and she didn't follow him when he left; Giles feels guilty because he wasn't able to prevent what happened; and I feel guilty because I let myself be distracted and didn't follow you as soon as you left. We all feel guilty, but you know Xander wouldn't want us to blame ourselves, especially you. We all have to deal with our feelings, and realize that 'What ifs' don't accomplish anything."

"But, how do I let go of him? He was part of my life for as long as I can remember."

"You don't have to let go of him. Just let go of the guilt. Accept the fact that there was nothing you could've done."

"I don't know if I can do that."

"You have to. Xander wouldn't want you to destroy yourself like this. He loved you, Willow. When he attacked that vampire, he knew that he was putting his life at risk, and he thought it was worth it----you were worth it. He wanted you to live. Don't let his death be in vain."

Willow crumpled against Angel's chest. Other memories started playing, and she saw Xander's smiling face. He was telling her to go on with her life.

<He always wanted the best for me, and always looked out for me.>

The tears began falling again, but this time they were washing away the guilt....a little at a time.

"Remember all the times you two had together....both the good and the bad. Those memories will live with you forever, and as long as you remember him, you'll never lose that friendship."

"I'll remember. I swear, I'll remember everything."
 

Angel eventually walked Willow back to her house. The tears had come freely, and she had finally allowed herself to grieve....without guilt. It would take time for her to forgive herself, but she would try. And she would live life to the fullest, because she was going to live the life she and Xander had always talked about. A life full of friendships, laughs, and fun. Memories of Xander would help her through the dark times, as would her friends. And Angel had become very special to her, and his strength had helped her face her deepest fears.
 

One year later-

Willow held a photo of Xander as she sat next to his grave. She was finally able to look at it without crying. Willow had managed to let go of some of the guilt, and had begun to rebuild her life. There was just one final thing she had to do.

"Hey, Xand. I like to think you're watching over me, just like you always did. After you died, I really lost it, but thanks to our friends, I'm making progress. And Angel has been my strength through all this, even when I pushed him away, he stayed by my side. You always told me to face the future, well I'm taking your advice. But, you'll always be with me. You are still my best friend. I love you Xander."

Willow stood and took a final look at the headstone. She knew she wouldn't be back.

<This isn't where you are, Xander. I carry you with me.....in my heart.>

As Willow turned and started to walk away from the cemetary, she felt a peace that she hadn't felt for a long time.

<You left me with so much, and I'll hold on to those memories forever.>
 

Willow walked into Angel's arms. He had followed her to make sure she would be safe, but gave her the time alone she had needed to say goodbye. She had become very important to him, and he couldn't stand it if anything happened to her.

"Are you okay?"

"I will be."

Angel wrapped his arms tightly around Willow, and they headed to the Bronze to meet the rest of the gang. Angel closed his eyes for a moment.

<I'll take care of her, Harris.>

As they left, Angel could've sworn he heard Xander's voice.

<You better, Dead Boy.>

Angel smiled.

"Why are you smiling?"

"I think Xander approves."

Willow looked at Angel in confusion.

"I'll explain later. Let's go."
 

Somewhere, Xander Harris watched his best friend leave with Angel. He shook his head, and smiled.

<Thank you, Angel. Make her happy.>And then he disappeared.

The End

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