------
An empty void is in my wounded heart, I look around at the gang. Buffy
and
Riley, Xander and Anya, and even Giles and that Olivia girl. Their
all so
happy, I miss that. I miss feeling special, to care about someone and
for them
to care about you right on back. Only one other person was single,
Spike. I
don't even know where he is anymore. I feel so alone, not in the friends
department... they show so much love for me, but I just can't help
feeling
like I'm something of a seventh wheel whenever I'm around them. What
can I say
when it comes to Tara... yes she's my friend, but it doesn't feel right
going
the next step to anything more than just friends. I think she feels
it too, at
least I have her friendship LOL! I just want to feel loved. For someone
to
love me and to hold me tight and never let me go. To know that I am
there
sunshine and they are mine, and that we can get through anything cause
we know
we'll always have eachother. Is it so wrong to miss that? Oddly enough
when I
think these thoughts, one person comes to mind... it's so weird, I
get this
ache in my heart. Could I really, truelly like him more than just friends?
We
never were even friends. Sure I gave him his soul back, but still he's
so
gorgeous. He belongs on the front of a big billboard add, Angel...
I wish he
really could be my Angel, sadly he never calls, he never writes...
I'd be
surprised if I even came into his thoughts as a back-up character to
one of
his feature flashbacks of Buffy, the girl he can never have.
I remember the first time I saw him, he lurked off to a side and was
being
very cryptic, he didn't even really look my way. It was more like a
passing
glance, something to be throughly dismissed. I always seem to get those
reactions, it's ok. I know all the men go for Buffy, I mean just look
at her.
She's perfect, inside and out. Why would they want me when they could
have
her... I guess that's what Angel thought. I saw the way he looked at
her, and
oddly I didn't just wish for a guy to look at me like Angel looked
at Buffy,
but for Angel to be the one looking at me like that. All the admiration,
love,
caring, everything... I realize our love is forbidden as I once naively
quoted
one day to Xander so long ago back in high school. It is true, so true
that
the reality is a cold hard slap to the face. I feel alone, I miss someone
caring about me in the intimite manner, like Oz or even Tara... but
no they
all left me one way or another, it's okay I'm use to it though.
The World is meant for others prizes, they win and I lose... life passes
me
by without even a backwards glance. What scares me the most is I can't
see
love... Am I always going to be alone? I wish I didn't have to be like
this,
but my heart aches to love someone... I think I have latched onto someone,
Angel. Despite myself I have feel in love with something that could
never be,
I have fell in love with someone who would always see me as the shadow
of
which cowers behind the slayer.
* * *
Another dream, she is so beautiful is hurts to look at her. She is my
sun,
she burns me just when I look at her. I miss her so much, though she
doesn't
know of my love for her, I know she could do so much better. My life
is so
full of past evilness and why would I ever submit a pure innocent soul
to such
a horror of a monster like me. When I think of her I can't help but
smile, she
is what pushes me forward head first into the World. Though we never
spoke
more than a few words per each few meetings I could tell from the start
she
was an intelligent and beautiful soul. Beautiful in mind, body, and
spirit,
perfection is what she is. She is my goddess.. Though she will never
know
because I will not subject her to such a fate of her and myself. I
yearn and
ache for so much more, she is my heaven... she brings me true happiness,
she
saved me from the evilness of my evil counterpart. She recursed me
with my
soul, I know she doesn't know my soul is perminant, but I didn't know
until an
old lady from a gypsy family told me she could sense my souls new rebirth..
I
realized though true total happiness could never be complete without
my other
half which I believe is her. I want her to be happy, for that I know
it should
be with somebody better, but my heart lurches at such a thought of
her with
another man. She is my one and only, hopefully one day I will stop
being a
coward and confess my undying love to her, but for now I'll watch her
from
afar, my beautiful Willow. I'll love you always, Angel.