Author: Erin M
E-Mail: Willo52286@aol.com
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel & Co. belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN and the WB Network. No copyright infringement intended. Nor do I condone violence as depicted in this fic. Mwuhahahaha.
Summary: Willow's pissed. Xander gets beat. Doesn't it sound fun?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"DEAD-BOY?! DEAD BOY?! How many times have I told you NOT to call him that?!" Willow hissed at the trembling boy standing in her room.
Xander was scared. He stood there stuttering, knowing full well that there was nothing he could do to weasel out of this. Anything he said in response would only serve to irritate her more, and he just prepared to weather her latest PMS induced fury.
"ANSWER ME!"
Since he was now between a rock and a hard place, Xander chose the lesser of two evils.
"So s-s-s-s-orry! F-f-f-f-f-orgive!" he sputtered.
She wasn't about to let him get away that easily.
"You little worm! You're just saying that to save your lousy hide! You are *SO* dead, Harris!" Willow ground out before diving under her bed to retrieve her pick axe. ((A girl's gotta be prepared for those pesky hormonal rages!))
Knowing full well that he'd end up Swiss cheese-style if he stayed any longer, Xander flung himself out of the open French doors, landing with a heavy *thud* in the rosebush. He managed to pick himself up, and limp lamely to the sanctuary of his house, and to the PMS shelter he had hastily assembled in his room.
------------------------------((But, wait! There's MORE! Hehehehe))----------------------------------
Angel was beat. He'd been awake for the majority of the day, consoling a crying Willow, after someone said or did something to upset her, but the torture didn't end there. Un-uh. That would be too merciful.
He'd made several chocolate runs that night, and was almost to the point of hiding in his closet from the hacker gone psycho. He loved the girl dearly, but during that time of the month, she was too emotionally unstable to do anything, but wait on hand and foot, and shower with compliments. Having a pantry full of chocolate, and a fridge full of ice-cream was also a big plus.
He was too old NOT to know how to handle this very risky situation. One false move and you could find yourself as a pile of ash on the floor.
*ring*
Angel's first impulse was to pull the phone out of the wall, dead-bolt the door, and make a mad dash for the safety of his closet.
*ring*
Angel hesitantly picked up the phone, preparing to hear either hysterical sobbing, or curse words that would make a sailor blush. He also made a mental note to find out how Willow even *knew* how to say that obscene phrase in German, filing it away until she was once again his beloved Willow. Not the Hell beast that currently possessed her.
"Hello?"
"Kill him for me? Please? He got away!" She whined.
He could practically *hear* Willow making plans to execute the poor soul who had done something to bother her.
"All right. First tell me who did it, dearest." He answered calmly.
"Xander!" She stated, as if the answer was completely blatant. ((Which is sorta is! He wouldn't know sense if it threw him from a moving train! Figures he'd do to something stupid!))
"I'll make you a deal. I'll hurt him, if you promise to take some Midol, and go to bed."
"Why can't you kill him?? Awww, Angel! Come on!"
"As much as I'd like to kill the insensitive little punk, my conscience won't let me. Believe me when I say, I would if I could!"
Angel desperately prayed that she'd accept his bargain. If she did, he'd be getting off the hook a whole lot easier than he did last month. ((Which is another story that I don't feel like telling!))
"Oh, alright!"
"Okay. Goodnight, my beloved."
"'Night!" Willow responded crankily. "But you BETTER be wearin' those leather pants tomorrow when I see you, or I'm going to have to seriously hurt you."
*Click*
He did a little victory dance, knowing that he'd passed this latest trial.
"Now all I have to do is find him."
With a smirk, Angel grabbed his coat and left the apartment.
-----------------------------------Let the Xander-torture commence!----------------------------------
Within minutes, Angel had reached the Harris family home, and stealthily climbed the tree next to Xander's window. The intended victim was sitting next to the open window at his desk, writing what looked to be his will. On a napkin.
He jumped onto the overhang, purposefully making a little noise, knowing the idiot would get up and stick his head out the window.
When he did, Angel grabbed him, yanked him out, and threw him to the ground a story below, jumping down with vampiric grace, after him. (( It's the BBB scene!!))
"Don't be so surprised, Harris! We do this at least once every month. You bother her, I have to hurt you. Haven't you learned anything?"
Xander just stared back dumbly.
"You must've taken too many hits to the head this time."
Again, the blank stare.
''Come on, Xander! I dare you! Call me 'Dead Boy'!" Call it whatever you like, Angel had a hard time starting a fight without being provoked. Must be honor, or something.
Xander took the bait.
"Oh, y-y-yeah! I'm going to g-g-g-g-et you this time!"
Before he could say another word, Angel had picked him up my his collar and had thrown him into the tree. He slid down the side of the tree, getting a nice case of bark-burn. Xander cried.
Still angry with him, he picked him up again, heaved him onto one of the branches about ten feet above his head, and smiled when he heard a very pleasing *crack*.
Before Angel could do anything else, he got a sobering shot of guilt, and decided that he'd done enough damage. Gotta save something for tomorrow, after all!
With the knowledge that he had done his job for the evening, Angel strolled off into the night to the sounds of Xander sobbing girlishly in the tree, still riding the Xander abuse high he got every month.
The End