Rating: PG-13
Distribution: TPWFLD, Peri, Renee, Bob, anyone else who wants it. Take it!
Feedback: Of course.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters related to 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer,'. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy do.
Spoilers: Not really, except for 'Innocence' and the new Angel show. Nothing direct, just implied.
Dedicated: To Nickie. Took me long enought, didn't it?
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Diary of Angelus Fionntán O'Braonáin May 18, 20??
I've got to tell her. She's what keeps me in this existence, and she doesn't even know it. Would she want to know? This woman whom I want? What will she think of me now? Oh, yes, Angel. Tell her about how you desire her, think of her constantly, and how she occupied your thoughts even when you should have been thinking of only Buffy. Dear, God. I sound like a stalker. Well, I suppose I do fit that bill. It's part of who I am. Can't change now.
Yeah. I'm Buffy's ex-boyfriend. Can I ever forget her? I want to.
Buffy was a costly mistake. I hate to put it that way, but when you get right down to it, dig down through all the layers of pain and death that's been caused because of our...relationship, that's what it was. I should have walked away from it long ago before it got this serious. What makes it all the more horrible, I should have known better. Slayers and vampires, by definition, don't mix well. Who was I to think that we were any different? And now, this mistake could cost me the only thing that I feel could sustain me.
Willow.
I left her because of everything that's happened. Of what should be avoided at all costs. I left before I could fall any further in love with her. As always, I've failed again. I thought maybe if I could just leave, do some good elsewhere, if that's what you could call my stay in LA, everything would be all right. Is everything close, at all, to "all right''? Of course not. I suppose that's what makes my un-life so damned, pun completely intended, interesting. Well, other than the obvious peculiarities that define me, like, say, being a blood drinking fiend.
So where does this leave me? A two hundred and fifty year old vampire, obsessed with his ex-girlfriend's best friend. There's one for the trash talk shows if I ever heard one.
Well, it seems you have discovered another of my peculiarities. I can't stay on topic for long. It's just something that comes with getting older. Hah! Isn't that an understatement?
Well, I'm doing it again. Getting back on topic here, this brings me to the realization that I'm in quite a bind. Another 'damned if I do, damned if I don't' moment.
I hate this part.
I want her. Badly. But, why the Hell would she want me when she has that boy? Oz is only inhuman for three days of the month. I, on the other hand, will be a monster, a mockery of everything holy, until somebody sticks a piece of wood into my heart, and to dust I am returned. Awfully uplifting take on life, isn't it? Yeah, I think so, too.
Ah, but he can't make her happy like I can. Like I want to. See? There I go again. I let myself momentarily forget who I am, and what these hands have done to so many.
But, I still need to be near her. If I could only be near her, this sharp ache that plagues me will be lessened. She doesn't even have to know I'm there. I just need to see her. Yes. Then I'll come back here, to continue loving her from my home away from her. No harm done. Just to see her. Then I'll leave. Of course.
The End
read the sequal 'Deepest Night'