I yanked my big toe out of the hole in Spike's crotch--I feel some weird
   compulsion to mention again that I put that hole there in the first
   place--and sat up straight. "Buffy!" I squeaked. Miracle of miracles, I
   sounded just like Willow.

   Squeaking == Willow speak.

   "Willow," she said, closing the door. "Spike." Her expression was
   confused and I felt as guilty as if I had been caught cheating on my spouse.
   It was not reasonable but that was my gut reaction.

   "Slayer."

   Buffy walked over to her bed and carefully set her backpack down. She
   crossed her arms and stared at me, doing her best no to look directly at
   Spike, who for once wisely kept his trap shut. "So what's going on?" she
   asked. Her eyes flitted nervously between Spike and I.

   "To quote a source," Spike piped up, "none of your friggin' biz...WHACK."
   His face turned with the force of the slap. I did not hurt him but it shut
   him up.

   "Shut up," I told Spike tightly. I would not have the likes of him
   mouthing off to Buffy, not while I had any control over it. He should be on
   his knees in her presence, not insulting her with insolence.

   Buffy gasped in shock. I *know* slapping him had made things worse. I am
   a fool, not an imbecile. If I could turn back the clock I would have
   controlled myself better but the slap was a reflex, not premeditated. Like
   Buffy said, I had gotten comfy with dominating my sub.

   "Buffy, look, I can explain," I began.

   "Oh my God, no," Buffy gasped, as her hand sought a stake. Her eyes jumped
   over my outfit, to the red handprint on Spike's cheek, and then her mind
   jumped to conclusions. "He's turned you," she whimpered as her eyes brimmed
   with tears.

   I nearly fell over. "NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" I rushed forward and
   Buffy shoved a cross into my face. Spike, finally reacting, fell off the
   bed howling with laughter.

   "STAY BACK!"

   I almost flinched from reflex and only barely managed to control the
   reaction that would have gotten me staked. Instead, I grabbed the cross
   away from Buffy. "Look! See!" I held the cross up and demonstrated
   touching it.

   Buffy stopped and her shoulders slumped with relief. Then she turned pink
   with embarrassment. "I was...I mean...I thought...Your outfit..." Spike,
   still rolling about on the floor, was not helping. A strategically placed
   kick in his ribcage quieted him down but did not shut him up.

   "I did some shopping this weekend. Decided to make a few changes. Do you
   like?" I posed, dropping the cross on Spike, who yelped and kicked it away.
   A small amount smoke rose. After that he crawled out of range. Drat.

   Buffy uncertainly returned my goofy smile, silently appraising me again.
   "I do," she said, trying hard to sound sincere. "It's just so...dark." So
   un-Willowy, she did not say. She stared at my black fingernails with
   reservations.

   "Personally, I like it," Spike offered. We ignored him.

   "Angel helped me pick it out," I improvised. I stumbled over the lie. I
   hate lying to Buffy but it was basically the truth. And it had the intended
   effect.

   "Angel?" Buffy asked with wide eyes and a catch in her voice. Hope surged
   in my heart. She had to still care for me. "You saw Angel?"

   My heart ached. I wanted to take her into my arms and kiss the pain away. I
   wanted to tell her that I loved her, now and forever. Instead, I nodded.

   "How is he?"

   "Good," I managed.

   "Did he say anything...about me?"

   "Yeah, the GREAT POOF said to tell you that he's given up women OOF!" That
   was Spike's add-lib and my foot again. We ignored him. AGAIN. But he is
   going to have to re-paint my toenails at this rate.

   "He said to say hi," I said softly. I wanted to say more but not within
   Mighty Mouth's commentary range.

   "Oh." Buffy looked so bitterly disappointed that it hurt. She looked away
   and her puzzled attention returned to Spike. "Willow...I know that you've
   been going through a lot since Oz left...but SPIKE?" His name was a dirty
   word on the Slayer's lips.

   "Hey!" Spike protested. "I'm a pretty fine catch if I do say so." Ignore,
   ignore.

   I kind of hesitated, trying to decide how to play it. Obviously, I could
   not deny everything. Buffy had seen too much. Finally, I decided for
   casual and confident. I shrugged. "I was just amusing myself. Sides." I
   cast a sideway glance at the principal under discussion. "He's not too
   bad."

   "Willow, he's a vampire," Buffy reminded me delicately. She wanted to say
   so much more but was at a total loss. Without questioning my sanity
   outright, the entire situation was complex and baffling. Inexplicable.

   I shrugged again. "He's de-fanged."

   "Hey!"

   "You did it," I reminded her, hoping to divert attention from myself onto
   Angel again. Yes, yes, I *know* that I am still Angel. It worked though.
   Buffy's face closed up.

   "That's different," she said, turning away. Suddenly uncomfortable, she
   picked up her bag. "I'm taking Spike back to Giles and then I'm going
   patrolling," she said, rushing to leave.

   My heart fell. She was running away from me. "Oh," I said. "I was hoping
   that maybe we could spend some time together. You know, catch up..." Lame,
   lame, lame, Angel... Catch up on old times? I had supposedly only been
   gone for the weekend.

   Buffy brushed me off. "Sorry but I'm meeting Riley tonight," she informed
   me, heading for the door again. "Come on, Spike," she ordered. Spike,
   abused floor-dweller, stood.

   Riley...that loser she had been speaking to at the coffee shop? She
   preferred to spend time with *Riley* over me? Terrible disappointment
   filled me. I had wanted so badly to be with her just for a little while. I
   had only wanted to spend some time bonding, being friends.

   "Spike!" Buffy raised her voice. He was not moving. He was standing in
   place, looking at me. His expression was transparently hopeful. Someone
   wanted to be with me.

   When I failed to respond, Spike started to trudge reluctantly toward the
   door. "No!" I spoke impulsively. "You stay!" I ordered, pointing. Spike
   instantly rushed to obey. He jumped to the place my finger had put him.

   Buffy turned in astonishment. "I have plans with Spike tonight," I
   improvised. "I'll drop him by Giles' myself when I'm through with him."

   She stared at me but did not know what to say. "OK," she finally agreed
   reluctantly.

   "Have fun with Riley," I whispered. I tried so hard to be sincere but my
   spiteful broken heart wished them a terrible time.

   Buffy nodded. "Thanks." She left, leaving me alone with my sub. The
   silence that followed was long.

   "So..." Spike finally said. "What *are* we doing tonight...Mistress?" His
   voice contained layer upon layer of innuendo.

   I still had not recovered from my own sense of shock. Had Buffy finally
   moved on? Already? So soon...? And with such a...a...thinking unkind
   thoughts about him would not help me.

   After all, I had left LA so that she could move on with her life. I had
   wanted her to find love and happiness with a mortal man. I had just thought
   that it would take a little bit longer. I had HOPED that it would take
   longer.

   I have been gone from Sunnydale for less than a year...for less than six
   months.

   I thought she loved me.

   I must have been wrong.

   I wanted to cry but I was not about to show weakness in front of my sub.
   Instead, I put on a brave face and turned to Spike. It was late enough that
   the sun had gone down.

   "Let's go," I ordered, grabbing my coat. Spike fell into step behind me,
   automatically helping me into the jacket. I left the dorm behind with swift
   strides.

   Spike followed at my side as naturally as he had in times of old. We moved
   together as partners, our steps well timed and practiced. We were on the
   hunt. Spike would have been given pause if he had noticed. For me, the
   feeling was a security blanket in an uncertain world.

   "Where are we going?" he asked.

   I stopped and thought. Impulsively, I grinned. "Car shopping."

   "Right on!" He grinned back.

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