Willow closed her eyes and went over like a toppled tree. It was a slap in
  the face. All of the sudden I became aware of my hands on her shoulders and
  my raised voice shouting at her.

  I let go and she slumped over, still unconscious. I checked her with
  shaking hands but a sleeping vampire is indistinguishable from a corpse.
  She might as well be dead until she woke up.

  She only fainted...she only fainted. The litany repeated over and over in
  my head but it was an empty consolation. Sickness and disgust with my own
  behavior left me shaking.

  Am I abusive? Am I a bully, someone who picks on women? Can I not control
  my own anger without expressing myself physically? Up until now I have
  always blamed the demon but this time there was no demon to blame but my own
  anger.

  My stomach heaved, lurching me to my feet. I sprinted for the toilet and
  nearly made a face dive into the porcelain bowl before spewing the contents
  of Willow's stomach into its ivory depths. Afterward, I clung to it for a
  long time and cried. The porcelain was cool beneath my cheek and the sobs
  shook me so hard that my sides hurt.

  Gentle hands touched my shoulders and Willow turned me into her arms. "I'm
  so sorry, Angel," she said, crying herself. "This is all my fault and I'd
  give anything to undo it." She hugged me awkwardly and I hugged her back.

  We knelt together on the bathroom floor, crying together but over different
  things. I knew Willow thought that I was upset over the seeming permanence
  of the body swap, but really that was only a distant matter in my mind. The
  reality of my own nature, the questions it raised, was of far more concern.

  No matter how much better it might have made her feel, I could not bring
  myself to tell her the truth. I wanted to but that meant confessing to my
  fear, and I was too ashamed, too afraid. My own nature scares me to death,
  it always has and it probably always will.

  Try living with the knowledge that you were the cruelest vampire to ever
  walk the face of world and see what kind of complex it gives you! A
  vampire's nature is not unlike that of its host. Everything the demon did
  and was has its roots in me. I AM it.

  It took a while but I finally calmed down. Willow continued to mutter
  soothing nonsense in my ear, rubbing my back all the while. It was sweet of
  her, and more than I deserved.

  "Angel, we just can't accept that this is permanent without even trying to
  fix it," Willow said.

  "You're right," I agreed. I drew back, wondering what the demonic half of
  my nature made of the new tenant soul. Not that I cared what it thought or
  felt, but I did wonder. Does this mean that it will start having gender
  issues?

  Of course, it's not the only one with gender issues.

  My hands are so soft.

  "Is there anyone we can go to for help?" Willow asked, interrupting my
  introspection. Then her cheeks turned red and her hands waved in agitation.
  "I mean other than Giles? Cause I really don't want to explain this to
  Giles if I don't have to...he'll go all parental on me and give me that
  stern, disproving look." She demonstrated.

  I laughed and shook off my mood. Now was not the time for brooding. Cordy
  would have whacked me upside the head with a shoe for even trying under
  these circumstances. I can hear her now, "Angel, get over yourself already!
  We have stuff to do! How does this polish look with my dress?"

  I thought for a second and an answer came to me. "Come on," I said,
  standing and drawing Willow up by the arm. "I might know someone."

  "Who?" Willow asked.

  "A friend."

  #

  Angel went and got all cryptic-guy on me after that. He would not say where
  we were going, or who this friend-person was, but he did insist on stopping
  at the grocery store on the way there.

  Our souls are in peril and he is thinking about food?

  The trip to Safeway was quick. We had the cab wait (Yes, grr, grr, I can
  hear Angel grinding his teeth). Angel used one of those little red baskets
  and bought mostly basics--bread, milk, eggs, cheese, and some meat.

  We went through the express line and he paid with an ATM card, which
  staggered me. I have always envisioned him digging through pockets of old
  money looking for the right year and country's currency.

  Guess he is more up to date than I thought.

  *I* got to carry the groceries. I am not sure quite how it happened that
  his groceries wound up in my arms but the clerk just handed then to me, and
  I accepted them, quite naturally. Welcome to the world of being a MAN,
  Willow Rosenberg.

  Our next stop was in a rundown section of LA. (All of LA's slums look the
  same to me. Dirty, dingy, and dangerous.) Angel paid the cab to wait again
  and led me around the back of an old tenement building. We climbed a flight
  of stairs and knocked on Apartment D.

  I was starting to get pretty scared. I mean, this section of town looked
  like Vampire/Demon Central if LA has such a thing, which I am sure that it
  does because it has its own Hellmouth! Angel could not have done much to
  protect me in his new body and I hardly knew how to use his abilities.

  If we got into trouble maybe I could growl and glare. Angel is pretty
  intimidating when he tries and I think I am starting to get the hang of this
  game face thing. Mad Face On; Mad Face Off. I practiced in the cab on the
  way over until Angel noticed and made me stop.

  "Who's there?" an old woman's voice called through the door.

  Angel jabbed me in the ribs and I stared at him, offended, rubbing my
  ribcage. Ouch, that had hurt! He jerked his head and I started. Oh! He
  wanted me to say something!

  "IT'S ME, ANGEL!" I boomed, deepening my voice in an attempt to sound
  convincing. I came out sounding more like Superman. For effect, I put my
  hands on my hips and stuck my chest out, striking a pose.

  Angel poked my ribs again, scowling up a storm.

  The door opened and an old woman peered out at us. She squinted at me
  through wrinkled eyes set deep within a wrinkled face. She was a gypsy, a
  very old one, and very spooky. I shifted my grip on the grocery sack
  nervously.

  "Madame Beulah," Angel said, stepping forward.

  Madame Beulah's head swiveled toward Angel. Her eyes widened and she
  started as if struck with disbelief. "Angelus," she cackled, poking his
  boob with a gnarled finger. He squawked and covered his breast protectively
  with one hand. I snickered.

  HA! The poker becomes the pokee! Serves him right!

  Unfortunately, my snicker drew Madame Beulah's attention my way. "If you're
  in there, then who's in here?" the old woman demanded, poking my chest with
  her razor tipped finger. I jumped away. That finger was like a knife. She
  probably could have staked me.

  "Madame Beulah," Angel said respectfully, "that's why we're here. This is
  my friend, Willow. I'm in here." He indicated my body, then his. "And
  she's in there. We need your help."

  She cackled again and I wished that she hadn't. It was a nerve-wracking,
  awful sound. "Well, well, well," she sang. "Don't you get yourself into
  the strangest predicaments, 'Angelic One'. Come on in." She hauled open
  the door. "What have you brought me?" she demanded, grabbing for the
  groceries. I hastily surrendered them to her.

  We went in. The inside of her apartment was dinghy and crowded full of all
  sorts of junk. A lot of it was gypsy junk, and most of it was pretty scary.

  While Angel explained what was wrong, Madame Beulah dug through the sack.
  She carried the food into the kitchen, stuffing pieces of bread into her
  mouth and began opening containers and preparing something on the stove. It
  was really gross and I tried not to watch.

  I figured that she was not listening but apparently she was. Without
  warning, her gnarled old face was in mine. It could see the chewed up bread
  dough in her teeth. Eww...

  "What tribe originated this curse, Dearie?" she demanded.

  "Kalderash," I supplied, naming Jenny's tribe. "Why, are you one?"

  She spat and I flinched. "Damnation no!" She turned, heading back to her
  concoction in the kitchen. "Despise the Kalderash!" She cackled. "That's
  one of the reason's Angelus here, and I, get along so well! Normally, I
  don't cotton too well to blood-suckers."

  I looked at Angel and he shrugged. I have never seen his expression so
  noncommittal and vague but he looked a little guilty. Not that I really
  blaming him (I would probably hate the Kalderash too, in his shoes) but I
  was seriously beginning to wonder how and where he knew this woman from.

  "Madame Beulah, can you help us?" I pleaded. "Please?" I wanted so badly
  to get away from his awful woman--and to be back in my own body--that I
  would have crawled on my hands and knees and kissed her stinky old feet.
  Anything, ANYTHING, to get out of this mess. I swore to the Goddess that if
  she just got me out of this that I would never again monkey with a curse
  beyond my ability, ever again.

  The old woman grunted. "Maybe," she said. "I need for you to tell me
  everything, I mean *everything* about this spell."

  She asked so I told her. I talked and talked and talked while she ate. I
  explained the whole spell to her, front start to finish, in minute detail.
  I excluded nothing, not the remotest detail, on the off chance that it might
  be important. When I finished, I was out of breath (Yeah, yeah... I *know*
  I don't breathe) and exhausted.

  Angel and I watched her hopefully while she sat at her little round table,
  chewing with her mouth open and making loud smacking sounds. It was so
  GROSS... She stared off into the distance, a vein pulsing in her forehead.

  I had ants in my pants. I shifted pensively and Angel took my hand. It
  helped a little but I could tell that he was nervous too. His palm was all
  sweaty and I could *smell* anxiety and fear rising off of him.

  "Well?" Angel finally asked.

  Madame Beulah's head turned to us suddenly. "Nope!" she proclaimed. "It
  can't be undone! What's more, you'd better hope that you don't die in that
  body, Angelus. If you had died as a vampire at least your soul would have
  gone into the ether. If you die now, your soul will be trapped in a rotting
  corpse."

  She waved her fork. "Yep, you had it better as a vampire. At least
  vampires are animated. This time you won't be able to move because even
  death cannot separate your soul from your body. It is the nature of the
  curse. Even the same spell cast twice cannot undo what is done. You are
  forever, irrevocably, irreversibly, permanently, and everlastingly linked to
  this form for all of eternity."

  I gasped; Angel gaped.

  "You too, Dearie," Madame Beulah informed me. "But at least your body goes
  *poof* when you die."

  Madame Beulah demanded a twenty and shooed us out the door.

 
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