Being in Angel's body leaves me feeling like a critter from "Men In Black".
   I am the miniature alien riding around in the big, huge mechanical body.
   If you split open Angel's skull there would be a little control room lodging
   Willow's soul. The feeling persisted throughout the entire weekend.

   Monday morning found Cordy and me standing alone on the deck of the
   Greyhound bus terminal, desolate refugees, living and lost in LA. The
   mighty silver bus carried Angel off into the sunrise while we shed tears of
   sorrow and waved goodbye. (Well I shed, Cordy got misty.)

   I wonder if it would sound more pathetic or poetic if I set the scene to a
   movie. Envision: Angel, the Desperado, mounted on his silver steed,
   galloping off into the sunrise. Or: Angel, the Rocket Man! Or: Angel the
   Apeman, swinging off on his silver vine. "Ohohohoh."

   The whole point being, Angel took my body with him!

   MY body.

   SNIFF.

   I *know* this was all my fault but that still does not change the angst and
   despair I feel knowing that I have given my body to a broody, two hundred
   and forty three year old vampire who will probably eat a bunch of junk food
   and ruin my health.

   It does not change the fact that I am now stuck in the body of said
   vampire... I am forever doomed to an unlife of perpetually bad hair because
   I will NEVER be able to get Angel's riotous locks to behave without a
   mirror.

   Angel's hair has some really mean natural curl. Angel demonstrated several
   times how to style his hair using a zillion and a half different hair care
   products, but it is so totally beyond me...

   I can hear Spike chanting about "Nancy-boy" now. Oh Goddess, I pray,
   PLEASE do not let me run into Spike while I am in Angel's body. PLEASE. It
   would be a fate worse than my current one. Or at least, it would make my
   current living-hell of a fate worse.

   From the bus depot, Cordy drove us back to Angel's place because the Angel
   mobile was still in the shop. I sat in the passenger seat and did not speak
   the whole way.

   "Well, you've got the whole dark frown and scowling silence act down pat,"
   Cordy observed. "Now all you need to learn is how to skulk and lurk and
   you're set."

   I wanted to snap at her but as much as I dislike Cordy sometimes, she was
   my only friend in the whole wide world right then and the only one who could
   help me.

   "And fight," I added pitifully. She raised a sculpted eyebrow at me. "If
   I get into a fight, I'm going to get my undead butt kicked."

   Cordy turned into the parking garage and aimed for a spot going faster than
   I would have driven. We were literally speeding at a cement wall. She must
   have a lot of confidence or really great brakes.

   "You'll just need to learn to use brain before brawn, which shouldn't be
   hard for you since..." She kept going, enumerating my mental assets. It
   was really nice of her and she was obviously trying to bolster my ego. I
   began to feel a little bit better.

   Maybe I could handle this after all.

   #

   Monday afternoon I brooded. Monday evening I sat by the phone pretending
   to read and I brooded. Late Monday night, Angel still had not called and I
   began to panic.

   Oh Goddess! What if something awful had happened to him? And my body! I
   dialed the number of my dorm room and it rang and rang. No Buffy, no Angel.
   It boded ominously, for the worst. Why was no one picking up the phone?!

   Oh Goddess! Something awful had happened! I just knew it! Angel, poor
   confused nocturnal hermit that he is had gotten lost or been struck over the
   head and developed amnesia! Right now he was lying in a hospital bed
   somewhere, on the brink of life and death, all alone...

   Finally, I called Giles. I had to. I had no other choice, what with Angel
   and Buffy both missing and it was hardly like I could call Xander. "Hi,
   this is dead-boy, your BEST EVER buddy! I'm just calling to check up on
   your sweet lil' Willow bud 'cause she spent the weekend with me."

   Yeah, that would go over just GREAT with Xander.

   "Hello," Giles answered. He sounded sleepy.

   "Giles, this is W-W-Angel," I stammered.

   There was dead silence. I suppose that Angel is not Giles' 'best ever
   buddy' either, considering the sordid past. But Giles and Angel do share a
   healthy respect for one another and they share common interests in the
   occult, old books, and saving the world.

   "Angel," Giles finally answered. "What a surprise. How can I help you?
   Is this about Buffy?"

   "N-n-no," I managed. Goddess, but I was shaken. I am an awful liar under
   the best circumstance and this was far from that. I felt immensely guilty
   about even THINKING about lying to Giles.

   "Angel, you sound distressed," Giles said, concern creeping into his tone.

   "I am," I answered, relieved to say something honest. "G-G-Giles, I'm
   worried...about Willow," I improvised, thinking fast. I had to come up with
   a convincing excuse to explain why I was asking after Angel--Willow--when I
   was supposed to be detached LA vampire.

   "Ohhh? Why is that?" Giles asked.

   A thought popped into my head and out of my mouth. "Cordelia had a vision!
   She's the new seer, you know, and she had a bad vision...about
   Willow...er, <GULP>..." I stumbled.

   "What about Willow?" Giles demanded, growing impatient with my stammering.
   "Spit it out! We haven't got all day!"

   "Willowgoteatenbyavampire!" I blurted. Then, I blinked. Yeah, it was
   stupid but it was convenient and even realistic. And one of my worst
   teenage fears growing up on the Hellmouth. While other girls worried about
   hair, makeup, and boys, I battled evil and tried to avoid marrying an
   evil-computer-demon.

   "Anything more?" Giles asked nonplused. "What did the vampire look like?"

   I stopped. Gulp! What did the vampire look like?! "He was big." Good,
   Willow, good. "And he had sharp, pointy teeth..."

   Giles exhaled, exasperated. "Angel, are you inebriated?"

   "Just a little," I agreed, only cause it would get him off my back if he
   thought I had been drinking. I envisioned Angel mooning for Buffy and tried
   to sound drunk, slurring my words. "I'm just sitting here...brooding...
   thinking about Buffy... with my er um Jack Daniels... I'm just a big ol'
   drunken vampire."

   Giles snorted and I winced. Goddess, but I had sounded corny! There was
   no way that Giles would possibly believe... "Look, Angel," Giles
   interrupted my thought. "I'm very sorry about you and Buffy but we've had
   this conversation before and agreed that your leaving was for the best."

   They had? "We have!" I agreed, "And I'm very sorry!" Unexpectedly, the
   dam on my emotions burst and a flood hit me. I had only been gone from them
   for four days but it felt like a lifetime. I missed my friends desperately.
   "But I miss all of you sssoooooo much!" I sobbed. "B-b-uffy, and Xander,
   and you and Oz hichichic..."

   "I'm sorry," Giles repeated, sounding thoroughly nonplused. "I had no idea
   how attached you felt. I thought...just Buffy..." He came to a confused
   halt.

   Breathe, breathe, breathe... I hyperventilated, trying to regain control
   of my wildcatting emotions. "Hichichichichic..."

   "T-t-there n-now," Giles stuttered over offering a sobbing Angel comfort.
   "Is it really that bad?"

   "Yes <sniff>," I managed. "I'm all alone here. Except for Cordelia and
   that's almost worse than being alone..." I wanted to tell him. I was on
   the verge of telling him about the soul-swap and Angel being MIA in my body
   but fear kept me silent. I was scared, scared of Giles' disapproving and
   disappointed reaction when he learned what I had done.

   "I don't know what to tell you, Angel," a very tired Giles told me. Angel!
   The use of his name reminded me who I was supposed to be pretending to be.
   I had to get my act together! Somehow I cannot imagine Angel crying into
   the phone on Giles' shoulder, no matter how drunk he got.

   "I'm sorry," I babbled, "this wasn't why I called. I tried to call Buffy
   and my-Willow's dorm room but no one is picking up their phone."

   "Well, I'll tell you what," Giles said. "I'll look in on Buffy and Willow
   first thing in the morning. Agreed? And I'll warn Willow to be careful
   because any one of Sunnydale's generically huge vampires with pointy teeth
   might try to eat her."

   I started to say something but Giles kept going, leaving no space in his
   monologue. "At least we have the considerable comfort of knowing that it
   won't be Spike," he said in a snappish tone, "because he's short and pointy.
   Now if you haven't noticed, it's one in the morning so good night! Off to
   bed now." <CLICK>

   "Good night," I said, staring at the phone in astonishment. I have seen
   Giles grumpy but this was extreme Oscar-the-Garbage-Can-Grouch grumpiness.
   And he had *never* been this rude to me before.

   Of course, I had woken him up in the middle of the night... I suppose that
   even unemployed Watcher-librarians need to sleep.

   I carefully set down the phone and continued staring at it for a long time
   afterward. I sat there all night, thinking that Angel still might call.

   He did not.

   #

   I fell asleep with my cheek on the phone and I slept the sleep of the dead
   (bad pun) until strong, slender hands grabbed my shirt, shaking me awake.

   "Angel, wake up!" Buffy demanded.

   Groggily, I blinked bleary eyes and whispered her name, "Buffy? What-what
   are you doing here?"

   She did not answer and we were moving. I was not awake yet but Buffy
   dragged me across the room using her superior Slayer strength. She tossed
   me down onto the bed and leapt at the same time. I landed on my back with
   Buffy straddling me.

   My lips parted to speak but no words slipped past as Buffy smothered my
   mouth with hers. Her tongue invaded, plundering, as she ripped open my
   shirt. "Riley was a terrible mistake," she said in between kisses. "You
   and I belong together. We're soul mates. We're perfect for each other. I
   won't let you deny it anymore."

   "Buffy-" I gasped. She shut me up again. This time her hands were ripping
   open my fly. I could not think; my head spun. My contrary male body had
   already responded to her assault with burgeoning ardor, which Buffy found in
   my pants when she yanked them, along with my underwear, down off my hips.

   Aggressively, violently, my best friend opened her mouth and practically
   swallowed my member whole. The little coordination and direction my limbs
   had possessed vanished as they buckled. My eyes rolled back in my skull and
   I whimpered as wet heat and punishing suction took over my world.

   Her tongue whipped me, stroked me, and abused my sensitive flesh and I
   loved it. Only the warm palm cradling my sac was gentle as her fingertips
   massaged with an alternating rhythm. Her head bobbed up and down and my
   male, manly member glistened like pale marble, shining with her saliva.

   MY GODDESS... I swear that I would have stopped her, had I been able. I
   am a girl. And Buffy is a girl. And Buffy is my *best friend...* (Maybe
   as a vampire I am a *little bit* gay but still!) Buffy was too strong and
   my body too foreign. I was a victim to her superior strength and skill.

   She stopped before I came. I lay on my back, still gasping like a beached
   fish, while she stripped and mounted me. I caught a brief glimpse of
   aroused, heavy breasts, lean limber thighs, her concave stomach, and gently
   flared hips. My eyes focused obsessively on her belly button (it's a innie)
   as my mind tried to deny what was about to happen.

   She grabbed my manhood in both hands and lowered her body until just the
   fat, throbbing head was engulfed in her body. She deliberately teased me.
   Tauntingly, she threw back her head to expose her creamy throat. She kept
   up the cock-tease while maintaining a death grip that kept me from coming,
   so that I was denied surcease from the torment.

   "Beg," she commanded, performing an erotic little ballet on the tip of my
   shaft with her hips. Her sex was dancing on top of mine, skidding across
   the tip like an ice skater out of control. Her juices were running down my
   rigid member.

   She made me furious.

   "Never, bitch," I hissed. I changed to game face and ripped out her
   throat. Then I rolled her over and fucked her to death while her blood ran
   down my throat like a delicious elixir. Orgasmic pleasure washed over me as
   I drank her life, and I brought her death.

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