QUE SERA, SERA (8/?)
 

"Spill it."
 

Cordelia looked at Willow and sighed, "I'm sorry. For my behavior tonight. I
don't know what came over me."
 

"Cordy, we've never been best friends, but lately I'd like to think we were
getting closer. You can talk to me, you know?" Willow said, wanting to help
her old enemy.
 

"Actually, you are my best friend," Cordelia said, "after Xander of course."
 

"Thanks," Willow said, having to smile. "It's good that he's your best
friend."
 

Cordelia laughed, "Lately it seems that's all he is."
 

"Oh," Willow said, remaining silent. She knew that Cordelia Chase rarely
discussed her actual emotions and she didn't want to ruin things before they
were begun.
 

"I mean, in the beginning, when we first got together?" Cordelia continued,
turning to face the redhead. "Before I begin this, can we sit down and get
something to eat? I'm really starving."
 

"I thought you weren't that hungry?" Willow asked, following the girl to a
small cafe.
 

"I wasn't. I was nervous and when I'm nervous, my stomach gets tied into
knots," Cordelia said, following the maitre de as he seated them. "I felt so
tense all the time around Xan now."
 

"What were you saying?" Willow asked, deciding what she wanted to eat and
looking back at the brunette.
 

"When Xander and I first got together, it was mostly the danger of it. I
mean, sure he was cute and I sort of liked him, but it was mostly just the
circumstances. That and his lips. He has the most kissable lips of any man
I've ever seen," Cordelia smiled softly thinking about them.
 

"Ahem," Willow cleared her throat, not really wanting to know about Xander's
lips.
 

"Oh, sorry," Cordy shrugged, "Anyway, as time passed, I did something so
stupid. I fell in love with him. Every goofy little thing that he did just
endeared him to me more. I honestly thought he loved me too. Neither of us
ever spoke the words, but I could see it in his eyes. You know, we've never
made love. We've shared a bed without doing anything more than holding each
other. Waking up in his arms? It's unexplainable. I mean, the feelings can't
be described."
 

"I hadn't realized you two weren't intimate," Willow said softly.
 

Cordelia smiled, "We touch and we kiss and we come close, but for some reason
one of us always pulls back as it nears the end. I don't know what's
happening anymore. I see Xander and I see the man that I would like to be
with for the rest of my life. I just think that when he sees me, he sees a
girl he wants to have sex with and it never goes past that."
 

"Aw," Willow said, realizing what Cordelia's doubts were. She didn't think
Xander loved her.
 

"Pretty pathetic huh? I mean, every time he mentions anything farther than
next week, I cut him off and yet I can't be happy with him anymore because I
can't see sooner than the rest of our lives."
 

"Not pathetic, just natural," Willow said. "I mean, he's a guy. Of course he
isn't going to be thinking of marriage and children. You are both just
eighteen. It's a bit early to be thinking of forever."
 

"I know," Cordelia said. "But I can't help how I feel. I think he's satisfied
with just being friends that smooch. I need more than that. I mean, today for
instance. He didn't even want to spend time with me on our first day in
Italy. He wanted to stay in and watch television."
 

"He loves you, Cor," Willow said. "I've known him for twelve years. He cares
about you even if he doesn't show it."
 

"But, I need him to show it!" Cordelia said, sighing. "You have to
understand. In my house, my parents never told me they were proud of me or
that they loved me. To this day, I think they didn't want me and pretty much
ignore me in hopes that it would allow them to forget they had a child. On my
birthdays? I'd get fabulous presents but no hugs or kisses. Most the time my
parents weren't even there."
 

"I can understand that," Willow said softly, thinking of her own childhood
with absentee parents.
 

"You know, I bet you can," Cordelia said, smiling slightly. "Then you know.
You must want the same things."
 

"Someone to hold me and just let me feel loved," Willow said quietly.
 

Cordelia smiled, "Exactly. Waking up in his arms? I feel loved then. He's
such a wonderful guy. I mean, he's cute, funny, caring and can be smart. And,
he chose me. Me! He could really have had anyone if they knew him. I know
people think I was doing him the favor in dating him but he was doing me the
favor. He showed me what true affection could be. Gave me a small taste of
something I want to last forever. But, these last few weeks? I think he's
tired of me."
 

"He loves you," Willow said again, understanding exactly where Cordelia was
coming from. Cordelia may have been pretty, popular and wealthy, but she was
extremely insecure and unaware of her true worth.
 

"Maybe," Cordelia said, shrugging. "I just really don't know anymore. Sorry
for being so dramatic. You must be sick of me."
 

"Nope," Willow said, smiling. "That's what friends are for, after all. And
you're wrong. He isn't tired of you. He does love you. You're scared for no
reason."
 

"Wish I could be that confident," Cordelia said, "but I can't. His eyes have
changed. He doesn't even want to kiss me anymore. Am I being stupid?"
 

"Of course not," Willow said. "Give it some time. Maybe it's just everything
with graduation and the mayor and all that. It's been a rough few weeks."
 

"Who knows? If not, well, I won't dwell on it," Cordelia said, looking at the
food the waiter sat in front of her. "I mean, we're in Italy for three weeks,
and my parents are paying for it all. We're all together and Buffy has silly
meetings to attend so she won't be around much. Plus, we get to enjoy Faith
and Wesley fighting their obvious attraction to each other the entire time.
Things could be much worse."
 

Willow had to laugh, "True." She raised her glass, smiling at the brunette,
"To love."
 

"To love," Cordelia echoed softly, a vision of Xander flashing through her
mind.
 

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