~Part: 1~ The Choice
I’ve always dreaded this day, though I knew one day it would have to come. It had been 215 years since I had seen his chocolatety brown eyes, 215 years since I had heard his enchanting voice, 215 years since my heart was destroyed, 215 years since I had left that night.
It was true, I had given him a choice. It was true, I had given them my blessing. And yes, it was even true, I had given them my word of return, but it had just been too hard.
See, I had done such foolish things not because I was unselfish, I had done them because I never thought I could lose. I can still smell the fresh tears that ran down her face as she pleaded for me to let him go....to give her one lifetime...to make her happy and him. I can still see the silent pleas on his face...the internal struggle inside he waged. I had believed our love was strong enough...I had believed I was what he needed...I had believed I was enough for eternity...but I had been wrong, I wasn’t.
He had built a life as myn had gone in shambles. He had begun a family, where I had become homeless. He lived in happiness, where I lived in misery. He had found all he had wanted where I became lost in a haze.
Perhaps it is my cursed perfect memory that made it had for me to deal...to feel...to create...to live.. that led to the loss of a complete century. Perhaps it is the feel of betrayal that will never leave, that holds me back. I can forgive...but I can never forget.
I became him, helping where ever I fled. I became him, masking what I felt. I became him and hid in the shadows. I returned when I could, never letting on I was there to see how everyone was. I kept in touch with Xander, Cordelia and Giles. I had attended all there funerals, making sure that I was unseen. I watched over their families, trying to keep them safe from harm and I have succeeded. But it is now that I stand before my wedding day to Giles’ great, great, great grandson that he has returned. That he has found me.
I shall never be able to tell him what it was like to see him marry another women, never be able to tell him what it was like to live without him for fifty years and want me to accept him back...and I can never tell him what it felt like to see him carry his child.....because if I do..I shall die once more.
And I have died too many deaths....
I tell him goodbye once more....I tell him to leave me in peace once more...I tell him to let me be happy for once....But I never tell him that I still love him...I never tell him to wait for me.... I never tell him to return.
His choice was made 215 years ago.
~Part: 2~ The Decision
The first thing you must do is remember that I am a selfish bastard, once you accept that, then you will know my reasons for what I did. But that doesn’t justify my actions.
I am 450 years old. I have lived too long, seen too much, and hurt beyond repair. But what has kept me alive, what has pushed me forward is the hopes of seeing her face once again. A face I have dreamed of for the past 215 years.
I was stupid....foolish....ignorant.....and now I am paying dearly for my mistake. I will not lie, yes, I loved Buffy.....as a boy...but I loved Willow as a man..... and you must remember I was still much a boy then. The night she left I cried.... but in all my misery...in all my pain...I was too much of a coward to look for her...to see the betrayal in her eyes.... to see the tears I was sure she had shed.
Every night I touched Buffy I imagined touching her cool creamy skin, each kiss was to her, each pleasure I gave for her, each moan her voice. I can still remember the way Buffy would curl up in a ball and cry. Each time I yelled out in ecstasy it was not her name that fell from my lips but Willow’s.
Each chance I got, I left and searched....returning to the places we had visited, returning to the apartment we had shared...returning to the bed we both had slept in. I tried, believe me when I say I tried, to stay faithful to Buffy...but I could not...Willow haunted my every thought, my every memory. That was the reason I would not take the solemn vow of matrimony Buffy begged me for.
As a mistake as our union was, I tried to make it work...for her. I had an eternity left, she only a lifetime. But we failed...
She found solace in the love of another and for that I will always be indebted to. I gave her up freely and happily, wishing her what she could not have with me....hoping that I, too, one day may have that happiness she had.
And so I began to search for the only woman I loved, returning when needed and seeing the friends that were growing older and meeting the young children they were raising.
She had eluded me so well, leaving town just before I arrived, disappearing into the dark as she had that night so long ago.
For 215 years I have searched......
......and I have now finally found her......
..............upon her wedding day.
I have made my decision....I shall do what I should have done 2 centuries ago....
The first thing you must do is remember that I am a selfish bastard, once you accept that, then you will know my reasons for what I did.........
~Part: 3~ The Revelation
They say that when a person dies, a troubled soul will never find peace... destined to roam the earth until someone can release them.
Perhaps that it the reason why I see Buffy’s ghost almost every night in my dreams. Perhaps that is why I sense her shadow upon me each time I visit Sunnydale.
Now, hours away from the simple service, I clutch her un-opened letter in my hands. I can still remember the day Xander handed it to me after her funeral. It had been her last request. He made me pinkie swear never to tear it up, or throw it away.
I kept it, hidden from view in the picture frame that held the drawing of Angel’s handsome face. It the was only thing that I had kept.....the only physical reminder of him, for he haunts my heart and soul every day and night.
I’m scared to read it....I fear she might ask me for something I cannot do...or condemn me for an absence she caused. But he has found me and that makes my world an abyss of loneliness once again.
My name is fading on the letter....once write paper has now grown yellow and dusty. I can’t help but touch his face once more.... a face I will never forget...can never forget.... After so much time, it still bring me to tears.....because after so much time I still love him..... as much as the first night I gave him my mind, body and soul.
These two items are the only things that have remained by my side for the past 215 years....a time so long ago. I dry my tears as I open the letter and place the frame I had clutched to my chest on the table in front of me.
For the first time in years, I pray...
Willow,
My last few days have been filled with memories of you, for it will be you that I ask the impossible from.
I regret many things in life, but the one thing I regret most of all is what eats at my soul every night...what does not let me sleep...what does not let me live.
I ask for your forgiveness, Willow, I beg for it. I am the cause of such misery...I am the cause of such hate...I am the cause of such loneliness.
I took Angel from you, not because of a greater love......but of deceit and lies. I did the unthinkable, I did the horrendous, because I would not live with the fact that he could love some else and not me, that he couldmarry someone and not me...that he could want another and not me.
The night you left, I will not lie, I declared triumph, because I had won him, I had kept him...but what I never knew what that I could never have his heart.
I tried my best to ignore it...the distance between us...the way he looked at the mention of your name.....the way he closed his eyes each time he touched me, or kissed me, or the way he would look away each time wespoke.
I followed him each night to see him visit your memories, visit his hopes, visit your love.
Dear God, what I did was out of pure desperation...out of jealous...out of selfishness...and upon my knees I plead for your forgiveness......I lied to Angel... one lie that caused him to choose me....I played on his guilt..Iplayed on our past...I wagged on his duty..
The night he you left......
......the night he choose.......
..........was the night I told him I was dying.
And I groveled, and I begged and I cried, and I placed the burden of my death onto his soul. A death that I had made up, an illness I had placed blame on him when I saved him from dear death himself.
I have no excuse for such deceit, I was just trying to keep the man I loved from leaving me.....A man who did not love me.....for you see Willow, he had made his choose that night....he had chosen you and not me.
I had lived a year in your shadow and I could take no more...I left him... and as my heart tore... I accepted the fact that what we once shared was nothing in comparison to what you two have. And so I left to try tofind that in someone else...and by pure luck I did....but as I see Angel stand before me and see such pain I have caused....I know he has not found you...and how so much he needs you......
Willow, as I confess to you, I will also tell you that the small clues in what once was your apartment were left my me.....Angel never married me..... he never gave me child... he never was happy with me...... becausehe loved you...solely you.
He has searched for you since the day you left...... he left me a year later.... now thirty years I see him again and I plead for his forgiveness as I am asking for yours....
I am sorry....I am sorry that I lied...that my deceit caused so much pain...I am sorry that I see such hurt and betrayal in his eyes...I am sorry that I caused your ache...I am sorry......
He has only loved you...... he has never stopped..... he will never stop.....
Forgive me......please.....forgive this horrid
soul......forgive.....me....
Buffy
My face burns with tears.....
...........my heart aches.........
...........and my soul finds its peace.
~Part: 4~ A Hope
Dear God in Heaven, I am on my knees before you, to ask, to plead, to beg that you hear my prayer.
I’m scared to step in....scared to see what I dread...scared to know my nightmares have become a reality.
I went to her apartment an hour ago and found it empty. After half hour of pounding and receiving no answer, I broke down the door....I have never told anyone...but I’m not very patient... it is part of my selfiness I assume. I was devasted to see the apartment alone and wouldn’t help but snoop for a moment.....as I waited for her of course....it has been so many years since I have seen her...known her....loved her.
As I looked through her apartment I wondered if she still liked to paint...it had been a passion of hers once..... or if she continued to perfect her chess game.... or if she still liked to sit in front of a roaring fire and read, wrapped up in a blanket.....or if she still looked up in the sky and pointed to the star we had named together every night.... or if she still curled up in bed to sleep.......
I couldn’t help the tears that fell....it had been such a long time since I had let the feelings of loss consume me .......
She never returned to her apartment...... I waited, but she never came....... All that was out of place was an old dusty envelope that was left in the center table......
I never found her wedding dress....perhaps I had been too late...perhaps she had never gone back....perhaps once more she had left... or perhaps she was beyond these doors.
I stand before the crossroads that will choose my life......
...........I must do what I must do........
......as I finally push open the doors to my future.
~Part: 5~ A Love
* * Willow’s POV * *
I’m tired.....so tired. I’m lonely....so very much. My thoughts are all a jumble, as my emotions wrack havoc over me. Here I am in a complete mess. I stand before a barrage of memories, the happiness weighing out the sadness. What have I done...... I had a chance... I had the opportunity....... I..........
I lie in this bed....lost to all feel.... lost in a dream....... It took me so long to get here... so long to live through. I have accepted and moved on... and once again I am afraid...... Damn him....
* * Angel’s POV * *
I turned and ran the moment I entered the door to the altar. I ran as fast as my vampiric speed could take me. I didn’t know where to go... I didn’t know what to do. I ran through the park, cutting through the graveyard, letting my heart guide me. Tears blurred my vision, my heart in my throat.
I ran through the district, more determined then ever to reach my destination, to drown myself in the past... to relive that catastrophic day and live in eternal bliss. I pulled the door open, ripping off the hinges as I jumped onto each step, a heart so old beginning to beat.
Dear God... if only you knew what I felt the moment I entered and fell on my knees.
She was there.... in our bed...... curled up... sleeping.
I didn’t move, scared that the moment I blinked, the moment I moved, she would be gone..... that she would disappear as she had so many times before in my hallucinations, in my hopes, in my dreams.
And then she was looking at me, those beautiful green eyes looking deep into my soul. I tried to speak, I truly tried, but I could not. There was so much I wanted to tell her.... needed to, but words eluted me.
I stood, not sure what to do, not wanting to place all this faith on a love I could ever let go. We stared at each other, frightened to break the spell that had been casted around us.
She stretched out her arms, becocking me home and I nearly crushed her against me. It had been so long.... Now I truly know how dead I was, for in her arms I felt alive once more, a reason to see the next day.... a reason to search the world for her and never give up... a reason to give up my soul if only to hold her once again. I held her that entire night, until we fell into sleep and even then I held guard. Now I had her..... and I would be dammed if I ever let her go again.
* * Willow’s POV * *
It’s odd, I don’t feel old. I don’t look old, but I am old. Who would guess I’m 450 years old? We’ll other then my husband, but then again he is 675 years old.
As he wraps his arms around me I can’t help but think of how hard it was to get here. It has taken his fierce termination and my complete devotion to get here .... to be this happy.... to be this.... forever.
Our feet play in the sand as the small waves crash against them. I now realize how foolish I was to give up.... to be too scared to fight for my happiness.... to stand up for my love...... I can only thank God that he found me... that he searched for me.....
Eternity may not be enough to show him how much I love him.......
* * Angel’s POV * *
I can’t help but stare at her as she lies asleep in my arms. I still marvel at how she fits perfectly against me. I no longer carry the fear of her disappearing in the middle of the night. Our love blossoming more with each passing day.
I look across the room and catch the gift she teased me with for my 800th birthday this morning, a cane, a ball and chain, which we already broke in, as well as a number of other trinkets.
But the gift I hold must dear to my heart is the painting that hangs across our bed. It is of her and I holding each other of our first wedding day so many centuries ago.
I smile as I think of all the arrangements I have made for our new century arrangement wedding next week. I hold her tighter against me as a thought crosses me mind.
.........Eternity may not be enough to show her how much I love her.
* * FIN * *