Disclaimer: A Sequel to Anya's Gone. The Characters mentioned and named in this story are the property of J. Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Bros..etc, etc. No infringement is intended.
Giles looked over at Slayer nervously. She was going through her daily work out with an intensity that he might have appreciated less than two months ago. Now frankly he was more than a little concerned. It had been a bleak couple of weeks since the Buffy had come home, finding out that Willow had been attacked by vampires and changed into one of them by the Anointed One.
< I should have known better than to let Willow go home alone so late. I thought it would be alright. This is the Hellmouth, how could I have been so bloody stupid! > Giles thought, not for the first time.
He felt that he had aged a decade since Willow left with Angel for Europe. But Giles could not afford to let guilt overpower him. He had to be strong for Buffy and Xander. When Buffy and Xander found Willow's diary, and with it the truth, it had come almost as a relief. But their grief had been overwhelming.
Yet now after the grief had subsided enough to make room for anger in Buffy, Giles was unnerved and saddened by the change. Giles missed her sarcasm and humor. He even missed her teasing him about his stuffiness. He no longer had to cajole Buffy into honing her slayer skills or reminding her of her duties. She was all business lately. In fact, Buffy had dedicated herself to slaying with a vengeance that worried her Watcher.
It had taken all of Giles' arguments and persuasion and even begging to stop Buffy from going out and confronting the Anointed One himself in a suicidal manner after she had found out about what he'd done to Willow. Giles knew that this channeling of anger was Buffy's way of dealing, but he hoped that she would move on to dealing with her loss in a less dangerous fashion.
A particularly vicious hit to the punching bag, made Giles turn to Buffy and away from his dismal thoughts. "Buffy, I think that'll do it for today," Giles said finally.
"O.K. Whatever you say Giles." Buffy said. Giles blinked owlishly at this. Buffy was usually never one to follow his dictates meekly. Then again this wasn't the usual Buffy.
"S-so what are you planning for this evening?" he asked somewhat hesitantly.
"Why are you asking? I'm going to do what I do every night. Slay vampires," she said it with a certain mechanical decisiveness.
"It's just...well, you can have a night off now and then." Never in Giles' wildest imaginings had he thought that he would have to bring that up to Buffy. But he went on, "In fact, I recommend it for this evening."
"Yah? What's so special about this evening?" Buffy raised her eyebrows.
"Oh! Well n-nothing, nothing at all. I merely thought y-you might want to spend some time with Xander." Despite all of Giles' worrying over Buffy, it was Xander who had been the one visibly most effected by all of this. It was as if a depression had settled instantly on him like a fog. "Do you know how he is? I myself haven't seen him in quite some time."
"I haven't seen him much either actually," Buffy admitted. "I don't know where he's been. But with the start of school and everything, its been busy. Maybe tomorrow..." her voice trailed off.
"Buffy, talk with him," Giles urged. "It may be good for you both."
"Maybe its for the best that he's avoiding me. I mean it was my fault that he and Willow ever got involved with any of this in the first place." Buffy's said flatly. She looked down, her eyes taking on a guilty quality that Giles couldn't stand seeing there.
"Stop that!" The vehemence in Giles' voice made Buffy look up sharply. Then he continued more quietly, yet as forcefully, "This is precisely why Willow didn't want you to know of what happened. None of this is your fault. I can't force you recognize that, but it's the truth. Lord knows I understand your sense of guilt. I've tormented myself, perhaps even more than you have, over all of this. I was here. Willow was my responsibility. But she never once blamed you or me or anyone else, except those that actually did this to her. Someday we may both stop feeling this guilt. But you-you cannot take Willow's friendship and remember it as something to be regretted, something that would have been better left unknown. That would be a great tragedy."
Giles added, "And so would losing your friendship with Xander. Right now you two need each other."
"I don't know what to do." Tears sprung to Buffy's eyes. With this one speech, Giles managed to tear down the thin facade of anger and false calm which she had erected around herself. She looked all of her sixteen years of age - young and vulnerable.
"Just go to him. You'll know what to do then," Giles encouraged her gently.
Impulsively, showing something other than sorrow and anger to him for the first time in a month, Buffy gave him a quick hug. Before Giles could even register or return it, she was going out the library doors.
*~*~*~*
Buffy paused before the front door of the Harris' house. She didn't know what to expect. The first day they had found out about Willow, Buffy and Xander had desperately held on to one another, crying on each others shoulders. Reading Willow's diary, her letter to Xander, and Giles' watcher diaries had been more than heart-wrenching. Buffy thought that she could never cry again, all her tears having been used up for a lifetime in reading about what her gentle friend had been through. After that day though, she had tried to bury her own feelings down deep. And although it wasn't by design, Buffy and Xander saw less and less of each other as the days went by. Maybe it was because she had been too scared to find out if Xander had withdrawn from her purposely, but she hadn't tried to go to him. To make him talk to her.
No matter what Giles said to the contrary, Buffy couldn't shake her own sense of culpability for what happened to Willow. She was frightened that Xander might blame her too. She had lost Willow and Angel and Buffy didn't think she could handle losing Xander as well.
She took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. Mrs. Harris opened the door and welcomed Buffy in. "Is Xander home?" Buffy asked uncertainly.
"He's up in his room." Mrs. Harris nodded. "Buffy, I-I'm glad you've come. Ever since Willow's disappearance, he just hasn't been the same. He barely comes out of his room, if at all. I don't know what to do anymore. I hope you can help him."
"I hope so too." As Buffy headed up to Xander's room she tensed in the same way when she was preparing to fight vamps. There was only one way to find out if Xander didn't want to have anything to do with her though. Buffy knocked on his door and heard his muffled, "Go away!"
"It's me, Xander. It's Buffy. Can I come in, please." Buffy called through the door. Abruptly it opened to reveal Xander Harris looking worse than Buffy had ever seen him before. He had lost weight, his face pale, his hair uncombed and his eyes held countless shadows in their depths.
The last two weeks had been so damn hard. While it seemed that Buffy had tried to focus on anything but her sorrow, Xander had focused on nothing else.
"What are you doing here Buffy?" He asked apathetically. He stepped back to let her in before closing the door again.
"I came to see you. Since the mountain wouldn't come to Mohammed and all that. How are you doing?" She stood asking as Xander flopped onto his unmade bed.
"How does it look?" he asked derisively. She looked at him and then around the room. She never thought that Xander's room would be neat, but it looked like an explosion of epic proportions. It looked as if the occupant of the room decided to make it look like his life felt. A disaster.
"Pretty bad," she acknowledged.
"Score one for the observant Slayer." Xander said in a sarcastic tone, his eyes looking at the ceiling.
Buffy winced a little at that. This was going to be more than a little difficult. "Xander, we need to talk," her voice taking on a pleading tone.
"Talk? About what?" Xander said tiredly. "You know, all I want to do is get away from everything. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel. I certainly don't want to talk. I just want to...to sleep."
"That's called a coma!" She sighed, "Xander, I know what you're going through. Don't shut me out. You're not the only one who's lost her..."
Xander interrupted her before she could get any further. "No, but I'm the only one who didn't appreciated Willow and what she meant in my life until it was too late." He stalked over to his desk and pulled out a now well worn letter, stained by tears. He waved it in Buffy's face. "I'm the only one who need something like...THAT to happen to make me realize how important she was to me."
The letter that Willow had left telling him of her unrequited love hadn't given any solace to Xander at all. It seemed to be a constant reminder to him of his blindness. He collapsed onto his bed again and started to cry into his hands.
"Oh Xander, don't!" Buffy begged as she went to put her arms around him.
Xander shrugged off her touch. "I don't need you or anyone else to tell me how to feel! Especially not you," he shouted. "Now get out!"
Buffy backed off stunned and her face crumpled for a moment. Then she got herself back under control. When it was all said and done, it obviously wasn't going to be her understanding of how deeply his sorrow ran. She straightened her back and her resolve. One way or another she was going to get him out of this morass of self-pity. "Xander, I never pegged you for a coward. And I know Willow never did. But I can see that we were both wrong. You're letting Willow down, you know."
Xander bounded up and got in her face, "What the hell are you talking about?"
"You're feeling sorry for yourself. How do you figure that you have it so horrible. You're not the one who was turned into a vampire, you're not the one who had to leave everyone and everything you ever knew. How do you think Willow would feel seeing you like this? All you can do is dwell on how pitiful YOU feel. That's not going to help her."
Buffy's voice was getting louder and louder as if by sheer volume she might get through to him. "And God! You talk about Willow as if she's dead. You've given up on her. Well she's not dead, and I won't give up on her. And-and at least she gave you that letter. Willow loved you and wanted you to know it. Angel left without a word. I would be thanking the stars that at least I got a chance to know that I had been loved. Instead you want to lay down and die!" Her tirade left her feeling drained and continued more quietly, "You're pushing away everyone who cares about you. Do you really think that's going to keep the pain away? Don't keep doing this Xander. Don't do this to yourself or to me."
Buffy stopped then. Xander only stared at her silently and Buffy wasn't sure if it was from shock or anger. After a moment she added softly, "I'm saying these things because you're my friend. The only one I have left." Her voice cracked with emotion.
As she looked at Xander's silent countenance, she couldn't take anymore and whirled around to leave the Harris house with tears streaming. < How could it possibly have gone any worse than that? > she thought miserably to herself. Things were such a mess.
She had said a lot of things to Xander, things that she hadn't put words to before. She had even mentioned Angel. She hadn't really even allow herself to think of Angel during all of this. Her love for him was pushed aside in her knowledge that he had left her for the best of reasons. To help Willow. But now she hurt more than ever and wanted to scream out loud at the injustice of all of this. More than that she ached to punch someone, well preferably something.
Something like an inhuman monster.
Spoiling for a fight, Buffy certainly found one. Or rather it found her. Two vampires descended on her as she crossed the park. One was a man, the other a woman. Both looked hungry.
"I'm letting you know right now, I'm in a really bad mood," Buffy warned them through clenched teeth. She fought them both and managed to stake one of them immediately. It happened to be the man.
The female vampire become enraged as she saw her counterpart explode into a heap of dust. She screeched, "You'll pay for that!" and charged at Buffy.
"Was that you're boyfriend? Oh, I'm sorry, but he had a major ugly problem that needed to be dealt with." Buffy taunted as she side-stepped the attack.
Buffy was less than focused and while she was able to vent some of her anger in a couple vicious punches, the woman was quicker than the other vampire. She was able to land a blow which knocked Buffy to the ground with a thud that took her breath away. The vampire was on her in an instant, her hands around Buffy's neck. Buffy gasped, trying to break the hold and managed to flip the vampire off her. Breaking free Buffy immediately sprang up, but her opponent kicked out, nearly removing Buffy's kneecap.
Hobbling now, Buffy was at a severe disadvantage. Seeing her weakness, her opponent pounced on it rapidly. She swept Buffy's feet from under her again and Buffy toppled over with a pained cry.
< Uh, oh! > Buffy thought just before the vampire, going in for the kill, descended on her.
Part 4
The vampire had Buffy pinned down. It was all Buffy could do to keep the snarling face of the vamp away from her neck.
Just then she heard someone say, "I was taught never to hit a girl, but I'll make an exception in this case." The vampire was knocked back by an angry looking Xander. "Well then again you're not really a girl are you? So never mind." Taken completely by surprise, the vampire never saw the stake that landed in her heart.
"Haven't lost my timing, huh?" Xander said extending a hand to help Buffy up.
"What-what are you doing out here?" she asked incredulously. She took his hand and got up gingerly.
"I followed you." he looked away sheepishly. "I couldn't leave things like that." < You were going to come crawling for forgiveness, you mean. > He added to himself.
"Well, thanks. I mean for following me and for staking that vamp, that is." Buffy stumbled over her words.
Embarrassed, Xander brushed her thanks aside. "Yah, well let's get you home. That knee doesn't look too good." Putting her arm around his shoulder and grabbing hold of her waist, he positioned himself as a crutch for her. She was took advantage of his help and leaned on him gratefully.
They were silent all the way to her house. When they got there Buffy ushered him inside. "My mom's not home. She's at some art show until tomorrow. We can talk here," she said cautiously. "We really need to talk, you know, when neither of us is yelling at the other."
"Yah, you're right," he agreed
They sat down and both were nervous and silent for a little while, then Xander spoke. "I don't even know where to begin…" He looked lost and uncertain.
Needing desperately to know, Buffy blurted out, "Do you hate me because of what happened to Willow?"
"What?" Xander looked amazed.
Buffy pressed, "I would understand you if you blamed me because, well, if it weren't for me…"
Xander interrupted her. "Oh yah, if it weren't for you, we'd all have been vampire happy meals already! No, Buffy. I don't blame you at all. I-I'm sorry I made you think that that was why I was pushing you away. I could never hate you." He stated the last part with a quiet finality that warmed her heart. "
"You don't have to be sorry," she said simply.
"I do though, because you were right about how I've been handling things," Xander confessed. "It's just been that I've wanted to blot out feeling so guilty about Willow. She was always there for me and I wasn't here when she needed me the most!"
"God, you, me, and Giles - all vying to see who feels more guilty or to blame. We should go into some sort of therapy," Buffy sighed.
"But everything I told you about not appreciating Willow was true. I never even had a clue that she felt the way she did about me. She always gave so much without ever asking for anything in return. She was… damn it! I mean she IS the most incredible person I have ever known. I just wish she was here so that I could tell her that. And that I love her too." Xander expelled a shuddering breath.
Buffy put her hand on his and this time Xander didn't shake off her gesture of comfort. "We'll see her again someday. I don't care how long it takes. I'll always believe that."
"It seemed that we were invincible, didn't it?" he mused. "Even with that stupid prophesy about the Master killing you, I never accepted that. We found the bad guys and took them down. That's just the way things were. But with what's happened to Willow - I . . . it's just so wrong. Nothing is ever going to be the same, is it?"
Buffy shook her head wordlessly, tears springing to her eyes. "No it isn't," she whispered. "But I don't want to go through this without you."
Xander pulled her close. Her head rested against his chest, his cheek nestled against her silky hair. "I don't either," he said.
They stayed like that for a long time just drawing comfort from the other.
*~*~*~*
Xander woke up the next morning and for while he just lay in bed replaying the events of the last evening in his mind. < I am so glad that Buffy and I talked last night. Well maybe that first, uh, talk wasn't so good. I never thought that I would be so dumb! >
He was relieved that he hadn't screwed things up with Buffy. When he had let her into his room last night he had been faintly annoyed. At least as annoyed as he could be in his depressed apathy. At one time he would have been excited to have Buffy in his room. < Yah, how many times have I fantasized about that happening? >
But when it actually did happen last night, he didn't feel anything like that. He had shut himself in his room to escape everything. Her presence, invading and trying to tug him out of his sanctuary, awoke the bitterness and anger that he'd been harboring within himself during the last weeks. It wasn't that those feelings were directed at Buffy, but he wanted to see her hurt the way he was hurting.
< Well, I had succeeded there, didn't I? > Xander was ashamed, remembering the obvious pain that had been written all over Buffy's face when he had yelled at her. < Thank god that she didn't back down. Thank God, she cared enough NOT to back down. >
Nope. Instead, she had read him the riot act. Her words striking nerves and burning away the self-absorption that Xander had clung to in the last couple weeks. He hadn't thought about how Willow would have felt seeing him as he had been for the last month. He knew instantly that it would have made her generous heart ache.
< I also know Willow would have probably bopped me over the head the moment I started to feel sorry for myself .> Xander grinned picturing his sweet-natured Willow doing that very thing.
But that grin faded from his face as he remembered that it wasn't until after Buffy had fled from his room, that her last words sunk into his brain. He realized that he was in danger of doing the same things to her that he had accused himself of doing to Willow - not appreciating a friendship until maybe too late. The realization made him run after Buffy. When he caught up with her, it was almost as if an evil twist of fate was trying to add emphasis to the lesson he had finally learned.
Xander shuddered reflecting that he almost had been too late. It was odd, but seeing Buffy in danger took him back to the night he revived her after she had died at the hands of the Master. It was odd, because Xander had been more scared last night than even then. Maybe it was because now he truly understood what the loss of his friend would entail. Terrified and enraged, he just reacted when he saw the vampire looming over Buffy.
< I was lucky this time, but what about next time? > he thought fearfully. < I am NOT going to lose another friend to one of those bloodsuckers. >
A kernel of an idea planted itself into Xander's head. An idea that sat there until it burst into a bloom of planned action.
Xander bounded out of bed, showing more energy than in any morning since he had found out about Willow. He went to get ready for school. As he went down for breakfast, he noticed his mother and father's concerned looks. He had completely ignored or been oblivious to them, but this morning he felt the need to reassure them.
"Hey mom, hey dad. What's to eat?" His voice didn't have an overly amount of pep, but it relayed quite a bit to his worried parents. Mr. and Mrs. Harris had not raised a teenage son without knowing when to just accept things without comment. They just smiled and felt relieved to see Xander start devouring one of his usual humungous meals. This was indeed a small sign of returning normalcy.
*~*~*~*
Classes just ended and Giles was on his way to meet Buffy and Xander in the library. Giles had briefly seen them that morning and it had been immediately apparent to him that they had straightened things out between them. He could already see the difference in Buffy. As for Xander, he was never going to be the devil-may-care Xander of old, but it looked like they had come through the worst of it.
Xander had told him earlier that he wanted to speak to Giles about something important after school. And now Giles was late. "Stupid faculty meetings," he muttered.
"Mr. Giles!"
Hearing his name called out, he turned around to see Ms. Calendar behind him. "I wanted to catch you after the meeting. Where are you hurrying off to?" She had a impish grin on her face. "Never mind, the library right?"
"Err, well yes in fact I was," he said awkwardly. This particular woman had the most astounding ability to fluster him.
"I wanted to ask you about Willow. I haven't seen her in school. I know that with the beginning of school things are hectic, but she isn't even registered for any of the computer courses. I thought it was...odd…" Seeing Giles' face tighten, her voice trailed off. "What's wrong?" she asked seriously.
"I'm sorry, I, er, I thought you knew," he stated gravely.
"I've been gone all summer, so I've been kinda out of the loop. Know what?" Her brows were drawn together in a look of concern.
"Willow has been…missing for over a month now." He looked down at the ground.
Ms. Calendar's eyes went wide, "It wasn't…it couldn't have been…vampires?" Giles could not look her in the eye, and that gave her all the answers she needed. "Oh no!"
He was about to say something when Xander came down the hall. "There you are. We were supposed to meet about something important. In the library. Ring any bells? Hey Ms. Calendar."
"Yes, yes of course. I was on my way." Giles turned to Ms. Calendar, "I'm sorry, but I must go."
"Wait, Mr. Giles. Rupert!" Her eyes seemed to reach out to him. "If you need me for anything, call."
Giles was touched. "Thank you. I-I will." Then he was carried off in the inexorable tide that was Xander.
Buffy was already waiting, curious since Xander hadn't clued her in either. As Giles faced Xander in the library, there was a glint in the boy's eyes that told him he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear.
"I want you to start training me to help hunting vampires," Xander said without preamble.
Giles had been right, he didn't like it. But he wasn't the only one.
"Like hell you are!" Buffy said bluntly.
"That's just not possible Xander! It's much too dangerous." Giles added.
Not deterred an inch, Xander said with a obstinate set to his mouth, "Hey, I'm sorry to say it, but it's always going to be dangerous around here. Slayer or not." He turned to Buffy at this point and cut her off at the pass, "I've given this a lot of thought. You may be the Slayer, but you're not invincible. You're going to need some back up. You can't watch your back all the time and Angel's not around to come to the rescue."
"Who said I need to be rescued by anyone?" she said outraged. She certainly didn't mind getting help, but Buffy was no damsel in distress and never would be.
"Ah, Buff, do I really need to bring up last night?" Xander raised his eyebrows.
Annoyed, nevertheless, she had the grace to look away.
"Last night? What happened last night?" Giles asked uneasily.
But he was ignored as Xander added, "Hey, besides it's not as if you haven't rescue me more times than I can count."
"I still refuse to allow this." Buffy crossed her arms as if to signal that the discussion was closed.
"I'm in this whether you allow it or not. I have been in this the day Jesse was killed and now since…since Willow, I'm in it more than ever. I won't walk away. I can't! Now I can go out there with you, with training; or I can go out there without you, without training. I know which one I prefer."
Now Xander crossed HIS arms as if daring her to knock him unconscious every night to keep him from doing something stupid.
Buffy looked helplessly at her Watcher.
Giles had seemed superfluous up to this point in the argument. Now he sighed, "Maybe there's something to be said for training you Xander."
Buffy threw up her arms in disgust.
But Giles continued, "But you must really want this. You are not the Slayer. You're going to have to work harder and with more discipline than you ever have in your life. Can you accept this?"
Xander seemed to mature before their very eyes, "I'll do whatever needs to be done Giles. I won't let you or Buffy down."
Buffy softened, "Come here you." She pulled him into a tight hug then pulled away to look him directly in the eyes. "You could never let me down."
I can't lose you Buffy, not if I can help it," Xander uttered this so emotionally that Giles had to look away.
"Do you have any idea what it would do to me, if something happened to you out there?" Buffy said seriously.
"That's what this is about, so that I can maybe stop anything from happening to me or you. That's the point. There are no guarantees, but I think you were right about something you said last night."
She raised one eyebrow. "Yah? What did my big mouth say that was so enlightening?"
"Willow wouldn't have wanted me to feel sorry
for myself." Xander grinned a little mischievously, "I think she'd rather
have me feel the need to kick some major vampire hiney."