E-Mail:sundevil48@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Okay, Buffy, Riley, WIllow and Angel all belong to the man known as Joss. Jed and Pat belong to themselves. The hecklers belong to me and my friends.
Rating: PG
Category: None really.
Spoilers: Again none really.
Distribution: Dudes, if ya want, it's yours.
Summary: Mall preacher comes to town. Things happen.
Special thanks go to Brother Jed and Sister Pat, who have always made the beginning of my Spring semester at ASU so interesting. And to my friends who have heckled with the best of them.
Author's Note: Okay, I'm sorry if this one offends anyone with the whole preaching thing. I don't mean to. I really don't. But if you have ever listened to these two, it's a riot. I mean, some of their stories are a trip and I really wish I could have thought of a way to work at least one or two of them in. (especially the theory about women and breast cancer. ROTFLMAO) And I normally wouldn't use real people but these two have constantly taken my picture and I know that one of them used to be on their website, so I feel justified. BTW, the bit Willow does towards the end(you'll see what I mean) I have done the past 3 years and it always gets to the man. And, just so you know, he thinks anyone who watches Buffy and/or Angel are evil. His words. Okay, nuff of the ranting. If you ever have the chance to see these two, do it. It's so worth the free show. *VBG*
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"You must repent, you forrrrnnnnnnicaaaaatterssss. You whoooooooorrrre mongers."
"What the hell is that?" Willow asked, looking over to the grassy area in front of the student union. She was walking with Kat, one of her friends from her religion 100 class. He looked over to see what she was looking at and his face lit up when he saw who had been speaking.
"Oh, that’s Brother Jed. Spring semester just isn’t complete until he comes," the man by her side grinned. Willow just looked at him confused.
"What are you talking about? Who’s Brother Jed?"
"Brother Jed is this preacher guy who travels to various campuses aross the country and tells all of us college types that we are going to hell if we don’t repent our evil ways," Kat replied, grabbing Willow’s arms and dragging her closer to the growing crowd.
"I want to tell you a story of when I was in college," an older man was saying to the crowd of amused students. Willow looked around and saw a few faces that she recognized including Buffy and Riley. Willow quickly averted her gaze from the two of them, not wanting to see their faces after what had happened the other night in the Bronze.
"When I was in college, I was in a fraternity. We had parties every night. We drank beer," A cheer rose up from the crowd. "We smoked dope," another cheer. "We took the girls that we knew were easy into the leather room."
"Sounds like my kind of frat," a boys shouted, drawing cheers from those around him. Brother Jed ignored him.
"We knew how to spot a girl who we could get to do our bidding."
"Please tell us oh wise one, so that we too will know how to get lucky,"
Kat said, surprising Willow, who looked over at him. He smiled at her.
"Don’t worry. He does this every year. And we heckle him every year. It’s like a freshman initiation. Actually can be quite entertaining if you let it."
"And does he actually think that he can convert people?" Willow questioned listening to the spout of idiocy that the man was shouting about dirty jokes and smoking being signs of a slut.
"Nah," Kat shook his head," he pretty much knows that all he’s gonna get is a bunch of kids laughing their asses off at him. But he comes anyway. You want to stick around and listen?"
"Sure," Willow smiled. "Should be fun." Kat again took her arm and led her over to a small group of people who had set up a bar-b-que and were cooking burgers and drinking soda. He introduced them to Willow, often interrupting the introductions with a well placed comment or insult toward the man in the center of the circle.
"We want Pat. We want Pat. We want Pat." A chant started by her and was quickly picked up by her new friends. "Pat. Pat. Pat." Willow watched as Jed left the middle of the circle at the same time as an older woman replaced him. (Wow, tag team preaching.) Willow giggled at the thought.
The crowd cheered as the woman took center stage.
"I want to address all of you wanton women in the audience."
Willow found herself applauding with many of the other girls around her. "How many of you are still virgins." No one raised their hands. Pat just looked around at her, not surprised. "How do you expect a man to respect you if you give in to your every desire."
"That’s why they respect us," Willow shouted, allowing herself to get into the mood of the rest of the crowd. She saw Buffy and Riley staring at her, but didn’t care. Pat turned her attention to Willow and pointed to Kat.
"He doesn’t respect you," Pat said. "He just makes you believe he does so that you will give yourself to him."
"I hope not," a voice responded from the other side of the circle.
Willow’s face lit up when she saw the person speaking. She turned to Pat, a sickenly sweet smile on her face.
"Well, I don’t know about Kat," Willow said, her head nodding toward Kat, "but I’m pretty sure that he respects me." Willow allowed herself to be swept up in a passioante embrace and kiss that had the whole audience, minus a slayer and a few Initiative members, cheering wildly. Pat stood and stared.
"And how many boyfriends do you have, young ladu?"
"Just Angel," Willow said as she snuggled into Angel’s arms. Pat looked over at the dark man.
"Angel," she said. "Such a god like name for a hedionist like yourself."
Angel grinned at her.
"You have no idea." Willow and Angel laughed, much to Pat’s dismay. She turned away from the couple to address the rest of the audience. Angel pulled Willow aside, kissing her again once they reached the outside of the circle.
"What was that all about?" He asked the red head.
"That is apparently a mall preacher who comes to campus to preach and get heckled at the same time," Willow explained.
Angel nodded his head, "And, of course, you would never even think of heckling the woman."
"Nope, not me," Willow grinned.
"That’s what I thought."
"What are you doing here anyway? I thought you and Doyle had to do some investigating or something?"
"We did. It didn’t take nearly as long as we thought it would, so I decided that I would surprise you. And I wanted to see what happened with slutty last night after I left," Angel told her.
Willow let out a soft sigh. "About as well as we were afraid. She was definitely not a happy slayer."
"What? She’s allowed to screw around with Farmboy, but I can’t have someone in my life," Angel angrily asked. Willow calmed him by kissing him gently.
"Yeah, well, that would be Buffy," Willow answered. "One rule for her, another for everyone else." Willow listened in as she continued hearing Pat degrade women. "So do you want to stick around and listen a bit? Should be interesting."
Angel nodded. "Sure. I would love to hear what these idiots have to say. If only they knew they were preaching over the hellmouth." Willow laughed as she and Angel went to rejoin Kat and his friends, again making the introductions. The couple once again turned their attention to Sister Pat, who was now preaching to a girl who had proclaimed that she was a witch.
"You are nothing but Satan’s whore," Pat proclaimed. The girl in question just smiled. "He makes you believe that you are happy so that you will worship him."
Willow couldn’t help but respond to the woman. "You have no idea what you are talking about. Satan has nothing to do with witchcraft. It’s about nature not demonic."
Pat once again faced Willow. "And I take it that means you are a witch also," Pat spat. Willow nodded her head proudly. "And what will your witchcraft do for you when you have to spend eternity in hell."
"Probably not a lot, but I already have a good idea what hell would be like." Angel tensed behind Willow. "I’ve already been listening to you for an hour, so how much more torture can hell be." Angel let out a huge laugh, joining in the others cat calls at Willow’s comments. Willow saw that Buffy was staring at her in Angel’s eyes, a threat of something in her eyes.
Willow just returned the glare with an icy stare of her own. Before Pat could say anything to Willow’s comments, Brother Jed once again reentered the circle.
"Look out. Reinforcements," someone shouted.
"I know that some of you are good decent people that have just lost there way," Jed began. "That’s why I am here. To help you find out who you are."
Buffy was still staring at Willow and Willow had decided to have some fun at her former friend’s expense. It also helped that she could piss off the man in front of her at the same time.
"Okay," Willow started, breaking away from Angel’s grasp and entering the circle of people, getting their attention. She started talking with a fake valley girl accent. "Hi, my name is Buffy and, like, I always wanted to be a hair dresser but then I was told that I had to go to school and I was like no way." Willow started flipping her hair, imitating a ditz. "Then I wanted to be a stewardess but I was told that I would have to go to school and I was like, no way. SO then, this guys comes to me and says that in every generation there is a chosen one and that’s me. So now, I’m the slayer."
The crowd roared it’s approval, not quite understanding the last part but loving the way it flustered the mall preacher. Buffy and Riley just looked stunned at the red head who had just drawn so much attention to herself.
Willow walked back over to a grinning Angel and kissed him passionately, running her hands up and down his back.
"Let’s get out of here," she whispered. Angel nodded his head and turned to leave. They were quickly blocked by an incensed Buffy and Riley.
"What the hell was that all about, Willow?" Buffy wanted to know, hurt over the knowledge that her room mate had just made fun of her and was involved with the love of her life.
"What was all what about Buffy?" Willow asked innocently, her arm wrapped around Angel’s waist.
"All that, Buffy thing. Is that what you really think of me?"
"Actually, Buff, yes." Willow replied simply.
"But I thought we were friends," Buffy whined. Nobody hated her. It wasn’t possible. Everyone was supposed to love her.
"Friends," Willow nearly shouted. "we were never friends. I was just research girl. Or the person whose shoulder you wanted to cry on whenever you broke up with Angel. I was just the little hacker girl who you could ignore until the time came again when you needed her." Angel gave Willow a gentle squeeze, calming Willow down a bit. "That’s not friendship Buffy."
"But what about you," Buffy continued. "I mean, you’re with Angel only to get back at me."
Angel answered that one. "No, Buff. Willow’s with me because she finally got tired of avoiding all of my advances. I was the one who did the seducing in this relationship, not the other way around."
"But you love me," Buffy whined. Riley looked at his girlfriend, uncomfortable with the way she was acting around the man he had just recently been introduced to.
"Not anymore. Our relationship was doomed from the start and you know it. Come on, how stupid could we have been? A vampire in love with a slayer."
Riley’s head shot up when Angel mentioned vampire. But if he’s a vampire, how is he out in the sun? Angel grinned as he noticed where Riley’s thoughts were going. "That’s right farmboy. I’m a vamp. Not any ordinary vamp either. I’m hostile 17’s sire, who is extremely pissed at what you did to my favorite childe."
"But, you’re in the sun."
"Ahh, yes, let’s just say that was the only real present that I can ever thank Buffy for. The Ring of Amarra. Let’s me go out in the sun and doesn’t allow me to be hurt. Not even by a stake through the heart." Riley looked between the couple in front of him and his girlfriend.
"Well, I would love to tell you how much fun this has been, but I hate to lie," Willow stated. "It’s really time to go. Buffy, it’s been a pleasure. Please remember to be a stranger."
Willow and Angel headed off, leaving a stunned Buffy and Riley behind to listen to the rantings of one mall preacher.
The End