Part 4

 Angel and Willow were snuggled together on the couch.  They hadn't moved in
almost an hour, each content with just enjoying the simple presence of the
person at their side.  They sat in a comfortable silence, interrupted
occasionally by a tender kiss or caress that spoke of the love that they had
so recently admitted.  Willow was the first to break the silence, voicing a
question that had been plaguing her since the first kiss between her and the
souled vampire.
 "Angel, what do we do now?" She asked tentatively, as if she was almost
afraid of whatever answer he might give her.  Angel held her closer to him,
feeling her warmth invade his skin through the clothes that separated them.
 "I don't know, kitten," he answered honestly.  "What do you want to do?"
 "I don't want anyone to get hurt by us being, you know, together," Willow
replied.  "But I don't want there not to be an us.  Does that make any
sense?"  Angel chuckled as he graced Willow's hair with a soft kiss.
 "Perfect sense.  You're afraid of how the others will react."  Willow
thought back to the conversation she had earlier with Cordelia.
 "Actually, Cordelia and Xander kinda already figured it out."  Angel looked
down at Willow in shock over what she had said.  "They saw me leave the
mansion and put two and two together. Before us too."
 "And," the vampire prodded, scared of the teenagers' reactions.  He didn't
want Willow hurt by anyone.
 "Well, according to Cordelia, the two of them approve," Willow told him.
"I know, I know, amazing ain't it?  Xander Harris actually being okay with
the idea of you and me together."
 "The idea that Xander is okay with anything other than my turning to dust
is a surprise," Angel laughed.  "He's never made it a big secret how he
feels about me, especially since," Angel's voice trailed off, just as it did
whenever he thought of his time without a soul.  Willow felt him begin to
withdraw into himself and pulled his arms tighter around her waist.
 "Angel, it wasn't you that did those things.  At least, not the real you."
Angel went to protest Willow's suggestion.  "No, listen to me, please."
Angel stayed silent, allowing Willow a chance to continue.  When you lost
your soul, you lost a huge part of what makes you who you are.  You weren't
complete.  The part that made me want to be your friend.  You weren't to
blame for Angelus' actions because you weren't in control at the time.  I
think that's a big part of why Xander is better able to deal with you now.
Remember when he was possessed by those hyenas.  He remembers what its like
to not have control over what he does.  He has also seen the difference
between you with and without your soul and its made it easier for him to put
aside his hate for you.  Before, all he could see was Angel, a vampire.  A
demon.  Soul or no soul, it didn't matter.  But now, he knows the difference
and is willing to accept you for who you are."
 "I wish it was that easy for me,"  Angel sighed, still not quite able to
let go of the guilt he was feeling at his actions.  "All I can think about
is how I killed your teacher.  How close I had come to killing you.  I'm
just so afraid of doing something that…"  Willow cut him off.
 "But you didn't kill me," she protested, silencing him once again.  "You
had a chance.  Numerous chance in fact and yet here I am.  Alive and
breathing.  And, as for something happening, don't worry about it.  That
spell we did doesn't have that damn clause in it so nothing can happen.
You're always going to be Angel, happiness or no happiness.  I know it.
Cordelia and Xander know it.  Buffy knows it and Giles knows it too."
 "That's just it, Willow.  I'm not all that sure that Buffy does know it,"
Angel stated, unhappily.  He watched helplessly as Willow suddenly seemed to
deflate in front of him.  "Willow?"
 "That's the real problem, isn't it?" She quietly questioned.  At Angel's
confused look, Willow elaborated.  "Buffy.  You're still in love with her,
aren't you?"  Understanding came to the vampire and he tightened the hold he
had on the red head trying to reassure her of where his heart truly was and
who it belonged to.
 "A part of me will always love Buffy," he stated, trying to explain his
feelings for the blonde Slayer.  "Just as a part of you will always love
Xander.  They were our first loves."  Willow looked at Angel in surprise.
 "Buffy was  your first love?"
 "Yes," he told her.  At Willow's questioning glance, Angel explained some
of his past to her.  "You have to understand. I was a real bastard even
before I was turned.  My father made it perfectly clear to me just how
little he expected of me and I lived down to every expectation he had.  And
that did not include allowing myself the luxury of falling in love.  Then,
after Darla turned me, there wasn't even a chance at finding love because of
the monster I had become."
 "But what about Spike and Drusilla.  I thought you loved them."  Angel
shook his head.
 "In a way, maybe I did.  Drusilla was an obsession I had.  I craved the
innocence and naivete that she carried with her."  Willow could hear the
guilt that Angel felt thinking of his two childre and her heart went out to
the man who had never truly been given a chance to live and love.
 "And Spike?"
 "Spike was an obsession, but a different kind.  He exuded this evil that
just called to my demon.  It was almost as if he was an extension of myself.
  I don't know.  Maybe I could have found myself falling in love with him,
but there was always Dru and then the curse.  That kind of killed any
possibility of something happening."
 "Why didn't you go back to Spike and Drusilla after the Roms cursed you?"
Willow knew she shouldn't be prying like this, but this was truly the first
time that Angel discussed his feelings about his sire and childre and she
had a feeling that he needed to say these things.  She watched as Angel
thought of why he didn't return to his childre, instead choosing to run and
hide from the world.
 "I think," he began slowly, "it was because I didn't want them to see how I
had become.  I didn't want them to know how much having my soul returned to
me had changed me.  And I didn't want to place another burden on Spike.
Maybe one that he wouldn't welcome."
 "Another burden?"
 "Drusilla was already insane when I turned her.  I had pushed her too far,"
Angel explained.  "Then, after I had turned Spike and he met her, he fell in
love with her instantly.  He took it upon himself to care for her.  I wasn't
sure if he would want to take care of his sire suddenly too."
 "Oh, Angel, I'm so sorry," Willow cried.
 "For what, kitten?"
 "Because, even though you've lived for over two hundred years, you haven't
even been in love.  I mean, that's so unfair," the red head said.
 "Well, at least I've found it now," Angel told her, kissing her deeply.
"With you.  No matter what happens now, I know what it feels like to be in
love with a beautiful and intelligent woman."  Willow blushed at Angel's
comments.  "You know, I love it when you blush.  You're skin starts to match
your hair."
 "Yeah, well, you didn't have to grow up with the nickname tomato head
because of it," Willow pouted, making Angel chuckle.  He lifted her chin so
that he could look into her emerald eyes.
 "The idiots that called you that obviously have no idea of how truly
seductive a tomato could be."  Willow's blush became even more pronounced.
Angel voice took on a very husky tone.  "Think about it.  I mean, a tomato,
when ripe, is lush and shiny and juicy and just waiting to be picked."  With
each word he said, Angel leaned closer to Willow until his lips were just a
breath away from hers.  "And have I ever told you how much I love the taste
of tomatoes."  And with that, he closed the distance between them and kissed
Willow.  "Almost as much as I love the taste of Willow."
 "The taste of Angel ain't so bad either," she giggled.  "Angel, I think I
know what I want to do."  He looked at her.  "I mean, about us.  I want
there to be an us.  More than I have ever wanted anything else."
 "No matter what?"
 "No matter what."
 "Good."  Then, with that settled, Willow and Angel resumed kissing and
touching for the rest of the night.
 

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