E-Mail: sundevil48@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: They ain't mine, not even the song. Angel and Willow belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy. Suicide is Painless belongs to Michael Altman and Johnny Mandel. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the song(which will probably be most of you) it's the theme from the movie and show M*A*S*H.
Distribution: If ya want it, take it. just let me know so I can visit please.
Rating: PG
Spoiler: I have no idea the name of the ep. The Christmas one from Season 3.
Category: Angst
Key Couple: W/A(of course)
Summary: Angel is comtemplating his life on the cliffs of Sunnydale.
Dedicated to kylia who loves when I write new stuff.
Feedback, yes please. This story is a bit different than what I am used to writing so I would love to know how I did.
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Angel’s POV
Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see
That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
Christmas has found me once again, but this time things are different. They come to me, the people from my past. Those that I have tortured. Those I have killed. All those faces. They are there to torment me. To drive me insane. Or to this. It’s 15 minutes until the sunrise. It will be the first one I have seen in over 240 years, and it will be my last.
I said good bye to all of them yesterday, well almost all of them. I couldn’t say good bye to her, instead I left her a note. If I had taken the time to visit her, I knew it would have only caused her more heartbreak and I have already done so much to harm her. She’s tried to tell me that she had forgiven me. That she knows that it wasn’t me that was in control last year when I tried to kill her, but it can’t be that simple. I can’t even forgive myself for the pain that I caused.
I try to find a way to make
All our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate
But now I know, its much to late
And suicide is painless
It brings changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
I’ve tried to make you all trust me again. To try and make up for my actions when I didn’t have my soul, but it’s been difficult. Giles hasn’t been able to bring himself to trust me again, but he has good reason to hate me. I killed his love. And Xander was never a big fan of mine. I’m pretty sure he’ll be happy when he hears that I am gone. Buffy, well what can I say about her? She says that she still loves me. That she can forgive me and move on, but her actions prove otherwise. She is still unable to accept me for who I am. To accept that I am a vampire. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been burned when she carelessly opened a curtain or a door, letting the sun in. Only you were able to see me for me. To accept me, both demon and man. I shall miss you, my friend. You are the only one that I can still call that and it’s for you that I am doing this. I don’t want to risk hurting you, ever again.
The game of life is hard to play
I’m going to lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say, that
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
I’ve tried so hard to make up for my past actions. I spent 80 years not feeding off of humans. Living in the shadows, watching them as their lives moved on. Then I came to Sunnydale to help the Slayer, only to be drawn in to her group of friends. Not something I planned on. But I’ve always been told that life is a risk. That you have to be willing to take the risks if you want to win, but I don’t have the ability to win anymore. The voices that have been coming to me have convinced me of that. They’ve shown me, that no matter how hard I may wish otherwise, that I will always be a demon. A killer. That I will never be able to atone for my past sins. I will never be able to be forgiven by those that I have hurt.
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I’m beat
And to another give my seat
For that’s the only painless feat
Cause suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please
Only another five minutes to go. This isn’t how I planned on leaving the earth. I figured I would be staked by the slayer or some demon. But, now, I don’t think that I will be able to wait for that to happen. Buffy certainly is unable to kill me. She couldn’t even do that when I was threatening the lives of her family and friends. And I don’t think that I would ever be able to willingly let a demon best me. So this is my only option. The only thing that may appease those that have come to haunt me. To let someone else take up the mantle of fighting the good fight. I don’t have the ability to do it anymore.
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin and
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.
I wonder what it will feel like. The sun that is. Will it be warm, like I try to remember it, or will it be hot, like scalding water on the skin? Will it be painful. I’ve never been able to see a vampire die in the sun. Staking I can handle. Even the occasional beheading, but there is something about dying from the sun. I think it has to do with the fact that the sun was the least harmful thing a vampire had to worry about when they were human.
Or maybe it’s more because it is the last sight they see. Like the warmth of the sun is welcoming them home. Will the pain come instantly or will it be gradual. I would prefer it to come instantly, but I think it would be more appropriate for it to work it’s way into my system. Like the slow torture that I used to inflict on my victims. It would be a fitting punishment for someone like me. It won’t be long now before they are all safe from me. Before she is safe from me.
A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
Oh I replied oh why ask me? Cause
Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please.
"Angel." Willow called out to the vampire standing on the cliff overlooking Sunnydale. She didn’t know why she had felt a need to come to this place, she just had felt drawn there. "Angel, you have to get inside. It’s almost time for the sunrise." Angel didn’t move from his spot, not even indicating that he heard the voice of the red headed hacker. "Please, Angel, you’re scaring me." He turned when he heard the tears in her voice."Willow," he whispered, unable to believe that she was here in front of him. The reason he was doing what he was doing. He didn’t want her to see him as he died. She saw the look of determination in his eyes and she grew angry as she realized what he was planning on doing.
"Angel, why?"
"Because it’s the only way. They come to me. The people that I have killed. They’ve shown me what will happen if I stay here. I don’t want you to get hurt, Willow."
"So you think killing yourself will stop me from hurting. Angel, you should know me better than that. It would kill me to know that you were gone," Willow told him as she moved to stand beside him, grabbing his hand. "I love you, Angel. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t there for me."
"Willow, you don’t understand. If I stay, there’s a chance that I could turn evil again. That I could kill you," Angel told the girl. "I don’t want to take that risk."
"It doesn’t seem as if it’s your risk to take," she pointed out. "It’s my life and I want you in it. Please let’s go somewhere where you will be safe."
"It’s too late Willow," Angel pointed to the east where the first few rays of sun were seen. Willow began to cry.
"No, we still have time. I won’t let you leave me. Not now." Angel put a hand to Willow’s cheek, gently cupping it. He leaned down and brushed a light kiss over her mouth. "Please, Angel," she begged. Willow grabbed onto Angel, not willing to believe that he was going to leave her, for good this time.
"Oh, my sweet, sweet Willow. If only you had come 5 minutes earlier, things might have been different. Forgive me little one." Angel felt something cold and wet on his skin. He brushed it away. The he felt another and another. He looked up and was surprised at what he saw. Snow. Lots of it. He looked down at Willow who had also noticed the wondrous sight. Willow looked all around, glancing quickly at where the sun should have been ,only to discover that the clouds had blocked their killer rays. She smiled as she realized that she and Angel were being given a second chance.
"Angel, you know what this means, don’t you?" She asked him.
"No what, little one."
"That you are meant to be here. Who ever is in charge doesn’t want you to die and they are willing to screw with Mother Nature to make sure that it doesn’t happen."
Angel grinned at the smiling red head, before lowering his head to hers once more, giving her another kiss. This one full of promise and love.
And I can take or leave it if I please.
The End