Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: While I have taken the liberty of adding a few characters of my own creation, all of the original BtVS characters and their world belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and The WB. All are used without permission (I'll return them all unharmed) and no copyright infringement is intended (like most that post, I'm broke, so please don't sue).
Spoilers: All 3 seasons of BtVS, BtVS season 4/Angel season 1 implied.
Summary: Well, it's now early into the year 2048 and Aishling Rosenberg is still hard at work creating a formal archive out of a vast collection of letters, stories, research notes, etc. that her grandmother, Willow, left behind when she died.
Distribution: You want it, it's yours, just let me know where it's going to be living.
Feedback: Is there an author out there who doesn't enjoy getting feedback?
Dedication: This one's for Tere, Lucy, and Jen...they have each in their own way (subtly and not so subtly) urged me on! Thanks guys...writer's block was hell this time but I just didn't want to let you down! Hope I did good. But be warned, I did it again...*snicker*.
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From the Desk of Aishling A. Rosenberg 22 January 2048
In previous entries, Aoífe made reference to a particular problem that seemed to plague her on occasion and she had wondered if that 'disability' had been carried down through the generations. She had told Grandma not to worry, saying that Grandma wasn't "the only member of our family who constantly strives to avoid temptation or who does, on occasion, cave and behave in what could be considered quite a naughty fashion."
Then Aoífe went on to ask, "Why is it that when I do misbehave I always get caught? Do you have the same problem? Is it a curse upon the women in our family?"
Apparently, it's a curse!
It seems like every time Grandma was naughty, she got caught...
She and Uncle Xander...only slightly naughty but caught in the act!
Grandma and Angel...*very* naughty, and while (thank the goddess) she wasn't actually caught in the act (or should I be accurate and say 'acts'), when their little tryst was discovered there was small doubt as to just what had taken place in the mansion...
Gee, now I'm left wondering why it is that I've never been caught? Have I just been lucky?
Given the fact that women in our family have really *bad* luck, I'm left feeling overwhelming depressed.
I've never been naughty!
(At least not *yet*!)
Aish
******
Xander looked at her like she had just grown a second head. Or worse, like she was possessed. Willow was rapidly pacing back and forth. She'd take four or five long strides in one direction, do a sharp one-eighty and strut back to her starting point, only to repeat the action again and again. Without so much as second thought, she wadded-up the panties she still held in her hand and tossed them across the room.
At that point Willow couldn't help but notice that Xander had in fact shut-up and was staring at her, slack jawed.
She came to a halt right in front of him and shouted in his face.
"What?"
Xander took a step back, the fear and concern he felt clearly visible.
"Willow, what's wrong with you?"
"Wrong with me? There's nothing wrong with me." Willow resumed her pacing.
"But there may be something wrong with you soon, if you don't watch what you say," Willow muttered angrily as she moved like a caged animal.
"Wrong with me?" she continued with her mumbled tirade. "You're the one who came here uninvited. Wrong with me, you'll find out what's wrong with me."
"Will, would you stop that! Stop pacing like that. It's creeping me out. Are you okay? Are you under some spell?"
Willow looked at Xander like he was the one with a new head.
"A spell? Jeez, Xander, you think a guy has to work some kind of mojo on me just get me to have sex with him? All right, so sometimes I like to cast a few little love spells, or in our case an anti-love spell, but he'd never do that. He'd never mess with magic like that. No way, no how. Besides I'm the one that pushed him, okay? There I said it. I seduced him! Are you happy now? You can go back and tell my parents I'll be home tomorrow, or the next day, I'll call them later, what ever. Just tell them I'm fine."
"Fine? You're fine? You are *not* fine!" Xander was now the person doing the shouting.
"Look at yourself, Willow. You're moving around like a rabbit on speed! Drugs! Are you taking *drugs*? Did this guy give you something?"
"What are you talking about? Drugs? Man Xander, get a grip. The only drugs I do are sugar and caffeine! Pul-eez, like An--anyone could make me do drugs. Give me a little bit of credit, okay."
Willow silently let out a sigh of relief thankful she had caught herself before uttering Angel's name. But suddenly she did realize just how much she was revealing, babbling on like she was. Still, she was on a roll and just couldn't seem to stop.
"Drugs! Why would you think I'd taken drugs?" she barked.
"You mean besides the manic marching? How about the fact that you're yelling at me and half of what you're saying doesn't even sound like anything you'd say?" Xander bellowed back at her.
"What *are* you talking about?" Willow screamed.
Xander promptly came to the conclusion that a shouting match was going to get them no where fast. He opted for another approach, and steeled himself for the physical blows that might follow.
He swiftly moved toward Willow and put his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to hold still. Much to his relief, she didn't pull away or try to clock him. He looked her right in the eyes and spoke softly, but firmly.
"Will, you're really scaring me now. I was just worried about you. Your parents are worried about you."
Perhaps it was because Xander had stilled her runaway motion. Perhaps it was the earnestness of his words. Whatever it was, it worked. Willow calmed down and her thoughts began to clear.
Xander was truly alarmed, genuinely worried about her well being. He hadn't come to the mansion to spy on her or to "catch her in the act". He was simply looking out for his friend. His best friend.
Suddenly Willow felt very ashamed of her actions. She had really jumped all over him for no good reason. Xander loved her and was just trying to make sure she was safe.
Willow did pounce then, catching Xander by surprise as she threw her arms about him and hugged him tight.
"Ohmygosh, Xander, I'm *so* sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you that way. I don't know what got into me. I..."
Willow's words trailed off as she became very much aware of just what (or should she say who?) had come over her.
Angel.
It was Angel's mounting anxiety that set her off, his animalistic pacing she had imitated. And Xander had been right. Half of what she'd said wasn't like her. It was like him.
But it was the guilt that really gave it away, guilt that was on the verge of being devastating. Only Angel would experience that kind of reproach. Only he would assume culpability for something that wasn't his fault.
Willow knew she had to go to him. If she put it off much longer, one of two terrible things would happen. Either Angel would end up hurting himself in his efforts to stay away and keep from revealing their secret. Or Xander would let slip the one as yet unspoken comment that was sure to push Angel over the edge and he'd coming dashing out of the kitchen, in all his naked (and most likely demonic) glory and hurt Xander. Hurt him bad.
"So, who is it? Who's the guy?" Xander asked carefully, knowing he was steeping on eggshells.
"What does it matter, Xander?" Willow sighed wearily, trying to remain calm, to project some quieting thoughts in Angel's direction, while at the same time attempting to convey to Xander the notion that she was not going to readily supply him with that information.
"A lot has happened while you were away on your little "Open Road" adventure," she started slowly, speaking in soothing tones that she hoped would appease both Xander and Angel.
"It was a very quiet summer, thank the goddess, and I had a lot of time to spend by myself, trying to figure out just who I am, who I want to grown up to be. I know I still have four years of college during which I can experiment and grow. But the Ascension took a lot out of me. It took a lot out of everyone that was in the know."
Willow started pacing again, but it wasn't the same frantic strutting she had been doing just a few minutes ago. It was a more 'Willowy' action, slow, deliberate steps, wringing her hands together as she walked. This type of pacing didn't make Xander nervous. He'd seen her move this way hundreds of times before, often while trying to compose her thoughts.
"I thought I'd come to grips with everything that's been revealed to me since Buffy first came here, but then last night I learned that my parents know about the Hellmouth, or at least all the evil in this town, and they've known about it for a long time. That blew me away, Xander. I felt betrayed, as though they'd lied to me my entire life. And yet, I think that they were just trying to protect me. Not physically, mind you. I don't think they really knew that things like vampires and demons are real. Besides, even if they did, it's not likely that Ira Rosenberg was going to pass out crosses and holy water. I think they were just working on the premise that ignorance is bliss and that what I didn't know couldn't hurt me."
"They love you, Will. I'm sure that they only did what they thought was best."
"That's easy for you to say," Willow stated with a derisive little laugh. "Your mother never tried to burn you at the stake!"
"Now that really isn't fair, you--"
"I know, Xander. That was my lame attempt at sarcastic humor. Guess I just don't have your knack for it."
Willow was smiling at Xander now, and that made him feel a bit better. They were communicating; they were making progress. Now he just had to push ahead.
"What about Oz?" he asked cautiously. "Did the two of you break up while I was gone?"
"Gosh, no. Oz is fine. We're great. He's on the road this week with the band."
Xander was stunned by her reply. The shock he felt registered in his next question.
"If things are so good between the two of you, than how could you sleep with someone else?"
"It's not what you think, Xander."
"And just what am I thinking?"
Willow honestly didn't know how to answer his question. She just hung her head in shame.
She instantly regretted both the action and the emotion because she could actually feel the pain that both of them caused Angel. She was compounding his feelings with her own. Somehow they were linked, and the connection between them was so new and so strong that they didn't know how to control it. It was going to hurt them both, a lot, and get them into a great deal of trouble if they didn't stop it soon. Willow had to go to him, but Xander was still trying to talk to her.
"Look, Will, I'm not even sure what I'm thinking, so why don't you enlighten me? Why don't you tell me what's going on and who's this guy you're with? I mean, come on, he hasn't even had the guts to show himself and--"
"That's enough, Xander," Willow said firmly, fearing that at any moment Angel was going to charge into the room to rescue her, when in fact he would only be sinking them.
Willow decided that now was probably a good time for some honesty, for trying to explain what had transpired between her and Angel without giving away too much information, facts that she would prefer to keep private.
"Xander, when I walked out on my parents last night, my first thought was to run to Oz or to you or to Buffy. But none of you were around. I was alone. Then suddenly that's just what I wanted. I wanted to be alone. That's how I felt, very much alone."
"But that's not how you ended up, is it?" There was no mistaking the derision in Xander's tone of voice.
Willow shook her head, staring once again at the floor, unable to meet Xander's gaze. She didn't want to see the disappointment she was sure she would find in his expression. His words hurt enough. His words hurt her and in turn she was hurting Angel. Willow could feel Angel's heart clenching as the guilt she now felt assaulted him.
"No, no it's not," she sobbed softly as she started to cry.
This was not what Willow wanted. This was not how it was supposed to be. She was meant help Angel heal, not to wound him more deeply than he already was. But she knew it wasn't really her fault. She was already well aware of the fact that she and Angel were not supposed to have come together so soon, but once they had, there had been no turning back. Just as there was now no turning back where Xander was concerned.
Willow wiped the tears from her eyes and looked up at Xander.
There was no disappointment written on his face. Instead she saw anger, and it seemed as though Xander was directing it at himself. Perhaps because he couldn't understand what was going on? Maybe because he felt he'd failed her in some way by not being there last night? Or was it because he was jealous of the fact that Willow had found comfort in another man's arm?
"I'm sorry, Xander. I didn't mean to hurt *anyone*. Not you, not Oz, not...." Willow's words were lost, cut off by her own fear and indecision.
"Not *HIM*?"
"No, never him. He's been hurt enough."
"So you've known this guy for a while. He's not just someone you...."
Xander let the last line go unfinished. He really didn't have the stomach to think too much about what he was going to say, let alone to say the words aloud.
"Just someone I picked up?" Willow finished the question for him with a small self-deprecating chortle.
Xander just gave her a look that said 'sorry, but yeah, that's what I thought'.
Willow smiled ruefully.
"No, Xander, he wasn't just a one night stand. He's my friend. We..." she sighed deeply, then plunged ahead.
"We've known it each for a long time. It's complicated. It's...I think we've known each other before...and it's--"
"Then I know him, too?" Xander cut in.
Willow nodded her head then whispered, "Yes."
Angel's resolve to stay hidden was crumbling fast, each admission Willow offered up caused him to move closer and closer to the kitchen door.
The time had come for Willow to walk away from Xander, her oldest and dearest friend, and to go to Angel. This was going to change everything between them. Willow only hoped it would someday result in a change for the better. She didn't even try to delude herself with the hope that Xander might react well when he discovered just who her sexual partner had been, when he learned of the feelings she now had for Angel.
Willow took a deep breath then stepped up to Xander and gave him a big hug. When she pulled away, she smiled at him and gently caressed the side of his face with her hand.
Xander as taken aback, left with some more mixed emotions. He could smell 'sex' on Willow's hand. The scent repulsed and aroused him at the same time. And the gesture itself was so very bittersweet, that he feared what was to come. It felt as though Willow was preparing to leave him, which she was. Only not in the way he thought.
"I have to go to him, now," Willow said gently. "We'll come back in a few minutes, if you want to wait."
And with that said, she turned and walked away.
Xander just stood there, dumbfounded, and watched her retreating toward a part of the house he'd never been in.
We'll come back?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If Willow hadn't had the foresight to pull open the two-way door that led into the kitchen, she would have hit Angel with it; he was that close to exiting the room. But he was spared that physical blow as the door swung out instead of in.
Angel abruptly felt weak in the knees as Willow walked into the kitchen. The sense of relief that washed over him was that intense. He was standing there, fangs and eyes flashing, fists balled at his sides. He growled at Willow as she stepped nearer to him, releasing some of his pent up frustration.
Willow wasn't frightened by his little display of machismo. She simply smiled a very understanding smile and moved in even closer. Angel's human visage fell smoothly into place and then they practically fell into each other's arms. Their desire to hold and be held was overpowering. They were desperate in their need to both offer and to give comfort.
Willow couldn't believe how wonderful it felt to simply be held by Angel, to have him enfold her in his strong arms, to pull her close to his body and to offer her...himself.
He silently offered her all that he had, anything and everything was hers for the taking. It was a kind of trust and love that she had never felt before. It was a love and a trust that she vowed, then and there, to never betray.
Willow closed her eyes as she pressed her cheek against his bare chest. It was cool and soothing. She was once again awed by the fact that she would never hear Angel's heartbeat, that there was no rise and fall of the surface of his chest since he did not breathe. Yet those were some of the things that made him unique. And, like the coldness of his skin and his perpetual pallor, they were the things that helped her to never forget that he wasn't a man. He was a vampire, a demon.
Willow didn't try to hide any of these thoughts. She let them flow out along with all the love she had for Angel. She wanted him to know that she truly did accept him on all levels and would keep nothing from him. Their friendship had to be based on honesty above all else.
Now they just had to find the courage to extend that honesty beyond themselves, to leave the shelter of each other's embrace and the relative safety of the kitchen. It was time to go out and face Xander. Together.
But for a few minutes more, they swayed in each other's arms, crooning soft, comforting sounds. Willow hugged Angel a bit tighter as she prepared to break away from his grasp, and he in turn placed a kiss atop her head as he held on tight, not wanting to let her go just yet.
"What would you have me do, mo cara?" Angel finally asked, loosening his hold on Willow but still not releasing her from the circle of his arms.
Willow followed suit and loosened her grip on Angel. Her arms slid down his lean sides, to his narrow waist, her hands coming to rest on his naked behind. She had actually forgotten about Angel's current state of undress. But as her mind quickly processed all the other physical sensations she was experiencing, Willow let out a shuddering sigh. Angel's body, as well as her own, was in a state of non-arousal. This was the first time they had held each other and not been stimulated. It was nice, very nice to know that what was between them wasn't just sexual.
Still, Willow couldn't resist the temptation to tease Angel just a little bit, and to lighten the mood before they headed out to stand before their one-man firing squad.
She let her hands glide over the smooth, firm flesh of his ass, moving her fingers downward so that she could slip them between his muscular legs.
Angel moaned softly as Willow raked her nails along the skin of his inner thighs.
He instantly released Willow from his arms and reached back to capture her hands before she had the chance to torment him further. As it was it took a great deal of self-control for him to keep from responding to her touch, to keep from rising. Willow could be a temptress, no doubt about it. Only her timing was terrible!
Angel brought her hands to his lips and pressed a kiss into each of her palms. He caught the sparkle in her eyes and knew that Willow had simply been trying to break them out of their reverie, to take then to a happy place for just a few moments before they plunged headfirst into the murky pool of discord that awaited them.
Angel bowed his head and touched his forehead to Willow's for just a moment. He still held her hands tight, giving them a quick squeeze as he whispered, "Thank you."
"You're welcome," Willow sighed. She then tipped her head back and caught Angel's lips with her own, kissing him tenderly before pulling away.
"So what now, Willow?" Angel asked once again.
Willow let her gaze move slowly from his head down to his toes. Then, smiling appreciatively, she let her eyes traveled back up again. She couldn't help but giggle.
"Well, first, mister, I think I'd better give you something to wear!"
Angel began to shift from foot to foot. His sudden discomfort with his nakedness only made Willow snicker more.
He growled at her, trying his best to look indignant while inwardly battling the urge to laugh right along with her. Thank goodness Willow had come to him when she did, because he had been so close to going out into the great room and throttling Xander. Now wouldn't that have been a sight to behold? Angel, butt naked and all vamped out, charging out of the kitchen to confront Xander.
Since the T-shirt that Willow wore more then covered everything that needed to be covered, she slid the sweat pants down her long legs and removed them. With a shy smile, she handed Angel a pair of his very own pants.
She shrugged as he took them.
"Sorry," Willow said in a hushed tone. "I was in a hurry and, well, we sort of left all of my clothes in the living room."
"It's okay, Will, I don't mind."
But Angel groaned deeply as he bent to step into the pants. She hadn't lied when she said she was in hurry. The smell Willow's fluids, mixed with his own, came wafting up at him. No amount of will power could help Angel this time. He was rock hard in an instant, and as he straightened up to pull the pants over his hips there was no hiding his arousal.
Willow saw his erection and a vivid blush colored her cheeks.
"Ooops, sorry. I told you-"
"Yah, I know," Angel hissed out from between tightly clenched teeth. "You were in a hurry."
"Well, it's not like I had time to hop into the shower before going out there," Willow replied defensively.
Angel groaned again as he felt the damp spot in the crotch of the pants brush against his balls. Just what he didn't need at that moment...to feel Willow's moisture as well as to have to smell her, their, sex.
"Just give me a minute," he pleaded, closing his eyes and trying his damnedest to will away his hard-on.
Willow watched in amazement as Angel drew in a ragged, deep breath, then held it for an inhuman length of time before finally exhaling slowly. She almost laughed out loud as his thoughts crept into her mind.
A flash of Giles wearing one of his most disapproving frowns, Xander stuffing a Ho-Ho into his mouth, Cordelia with a 'disgusting much' look plastered on her face. Angel had obviously called up all of these images in an attempt to keep his lust at bay. It wasn't working.
The scenes changed. Willow saw lush green rolling hills, ragged coastlines, and rugged whitewashed cottages with thatched peat roofs. Ireland, she sighed silently. It was so beautiful, so very peaceful, that even Willow could feel the calming effects of the memories.
But they weren't working for Angel. He growled in frustration and then Willow had to gasp as she saw herself emerging from a dense pre-dawn fog, walking slowly but purposefully toward him, wearing nothing but a smile.
"Angel," she admonished. "Please, Xander's waiting!"
"I'm trying, Willow, shit, I'm trying." He almost sounded desperate.
Actually, he must have been, and he must not have known that he was projecting his thoughts onto Willow because the next image he brought forth was both shocking and heartbreaking.
Willow could see still see through Angel's eyes and she watching as he held his erection in his hand. He was masturbating, but glancing about nervously, as though he feared being discovered. There was hay all about and she caught sight of a bridle and reins hanging from a post in the wall. A stable, Angel was hiding out in a stable and jerking-off. Ohmygoddess, Willow thought. I don't want to see this!
Oh, but she did. She was fascinated, and now she was the one who was turned-on.
Lordy, how was this supposed to be helping him! Even in the memory Angel was lost in pleasure he was giving himself.
But then, all too soon Willow found out why Angel had chosen to rely upon this scenario as a last resort. Angel's focus had been centered on the sight of his hand moving rapidly up and down his long shaft. Something suddenly pulled his gaze upward and Willow found herself looking straight into a pair of the darkest blue eyes she had ever seen. At first they sparkled with merriment. Then, as though the owner of those eyes suddenly remembered just what their role in all this was, they hardened, taking on a very stern, disapproving look.
Angel's mother! They were her eyes! And, oh jeez, she'd caught him in the act! How awful, how embarrassing, how...well, my you couldn't get a much better turn-off than that, now could you!
And yet Willow felt simply horrible knowing that Angel had pulled up that particular memory of his mother, simply so that he could stand beside her and take whatever it was that Xander decided to throw at them.
Angel's mother.
Willow wanted to cry as she took in the vision of beauty that stood before, before him. But the entire train of thought must have the desire effect on Angel because the picture began to quickly fade away.
He inhaled and exhaled again, then slowly opened his eyes. He gave his head a small nod, letting Willow know that he had himself under control once more.
She smiled at him, hoping that he wouldn't notice her flushed cheeks or watery eyes. If he did, he said nothing.
Willow held out her hand to him. Then together, hand in hand, she and Angel walked out to the great room.
Xander was standing with his back turned toward them as the couple entered the room. Willow cleared her throat, drawing his attention to their arrival. He quickly turned to face them.
A look of pure hatred distorted Xander's normally handsome features as he took in the sight before him, his eyes coming to rest upon Angel.
"You dirty son of a bitch!" he hissed.
"Xander, please don't," Willow begged, hoping to put a stop to the violence before it had a chance to start.
Angel let loose with a vicious snarl as he watched Xander turn his gaze upon Willow, giving her look of utter disgust.
"Don't," Angel warned him, growling out the word.
Xander just sneered at Willow malevolently, then looked back at Angel without even the slightest hint of fear visible in his countenance.
"Don't what?" he spat back.
Angel released Willow's hand and his fists were soon balled once again, but still held firmly down at his sides.
"How dare you look at her like that!" Angel shouted at him.
"I'll look her any fucking way I want. Obviously you have!"
Angel roared in anger and took two threatening steps forward.
"Please," Willow whimpered. "Please don't fight."
But it was too late for please, too late for a lot of things.
In a move that was at once both protective and possessive, Angel shoved Willow back behind him as Xander let loose with a bloodcurdling howl of his own and rushed them.
End
Entry 26