Part Seven

"I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul."
(Creep -Radiohead.)
 

When the sun came up, Angel was hiding in some sort of abandoned warehouse, wishing he had the courage to stand in the light. But he knew that he couldn't die until he had spoken to Willow. And he couldn't speak to Willow until he had sorted his head out. And he couldn't think about anything until he had fed. And he couldn't feed until the sun went down. And the sun wouldn't go down for hours yet.

He kept his eyes open for stray rats. He had a feeling that this was going to be a very long day. The worst part was knowing that, if he slept, she was always going to be there, waiting for him behind his eyelids. How could he ever escape someone who was so much a part of him as Willow? And how could he have done what he did to her? And Buffy, Oh God. What the hell was he supposed to do now?
 
 

Willow slept all day. Nobody rang, or called round. <Nobody cares> When the sun went down she ventured out from under the duvet, and ate some grapes that were lying around the kitchen. She bathed, scouring herself with the scolding water for almost an hour, topping it up whenever the water threatened to cool. She scrubbed at her skin till it was red. And then she stood in a freezing shower until her toes turned blue.She dragged her wet hair up into a tight ponytail, and pulled on a baggy jumper with her jeans and trainers. She wondered briefly where her parents were, before realising that it really didn't matter. She pulled a hat down on her head and wandered out into the streets of Sunnydale.

No vamps that night. She wondered what they were up to. Whether her researching skills would be missed. Whether she would be missed.The mansion was empty and eerie. Willow meandered through its dark halls aimlessly, her mind blank and her eyes empty. When she found the abandoned bottle of whiskey, she didn't even wonder what it was doing there, or whom it belonged to. She just drank it, and became even number. She slept that night in the bed where she had lost her virginity, and refused to shed a single tear.
 
 

Angel moved at nightfall, aiming to put as much space between himself and Sunnydale as possible by sunrise. But as he ran away, his mind was full of the red-haired witch he knew would infest his dreams that night.
 
 

Buffy wasn't sleeping. She kept replaying her day through her mind, and it wouldn't change. She still kept finding her best friend and the man she had loved in bed together, naked and bloody. <Loved? Not love? Perhaps. Things are different now. > Then why did it bother her so much? Because she didn't want Willow to go through the same thing she had? But Angel at least still had his soul. Willow had said some time ago that it was permanent. That was something, she supposed. The other scene that was lodged in her head was in the library, just after they had left the mansion. Giles hadn't seemed nearly as surprised as Buffy had hoped he would be when she told him. He seemed to have been expecting it. She didn't like that. She had a suspicion that she wasn't being told something. She knew that she had been ranting as she paced the library, but it had been mostly incoherent and she couldn't remember now what she had said.

But she did remember how Xander had reacted. He had been silent through all her stages of hysteria; the screaming, the crying, the hugs from Giles. Then, when she had finally calmed down and was sitting at the table, staring into space, he had said, very quietly and calmly; "He'd fed from her. Did you notice?"

Buffy was worried about Xander. She rang Giles. Giles picked up on the second ring, he obviously hadn't been sleeping either.

"Hello?"

"Giles, if there's something you're not telling us about this thing with Willow, I think you should. I'm worried about Xander. You saw how he reacted today."

Giles sighed deeply. "I suppose you had both better come round, and I shall endeavour to explain what small knowledge I have accumulated on the matter."

Buffy took this as agreement without actually bothering to translate the words, and went to wake up Xander and take him to the watcher's house. And so Giles explained about Willow's dreams, about how she seemed to be linked to the vampire, even in hell, and how he believed that it was all a lot worse than she had let on.

"Angel needs support at the moment, and so does Willow. They have to cope somehow. This might be the only was they can." He paused. 'to be honest, I don't think you really get a say in the matter. He won't hurt her - he needs her too much. You should think about just letting them be for a while. They've been through a lot."

And with these pearls of wisdom, the watcher retired to bed, leaving the teenagers thinking hard.
 

Part Eight

"And I'm sure you know me well As I'm sure you don't But you just can't tell Who you love and who you won't no, no Who you love and who you won't"
(Beautiful - The Smashing Pumpkins)
 

Willow awoke to the rather unpleasant feeling of still being able to feel the alcohol she had drank the night before coursing through her veins. She decided to put off opening her eyes for as long as possible since she wasn't entirely sure she would be able to handle another sense. Smell was fairly bad; she had a feeling that she'd been sick at some point. Taste was even worse, probably for the same reason. Feel was equally not good, her skin felt rough and tired. But then the fifth one kicked in and she heard someone moving around, obviously trying to be quiet. With a slight groan she opened her eyes, squinting even in the dark room, and saw a man carrying alka seltzer. He had to be a guardian angel.

"Xander?"

"Mornin' Wills. How ya feeling? Why don't you drink this, and then hop in the nice warm bath I just ran you, while I tidy up in here?"

"You are the best person in the world." Willow tried to sit up but failed miserably. "And you are doing this, why?"

"Cause you're my best friend. Whatever vampires you bond with." He helped her into a sitting position. "Giles told us about your dreams, and this apparent bond thingy. I wish you'd told us at the time. We might have been able to help."

"Too late now."

"Yeah." Xander pulled her gently to her feet. "Go have your bath."

When Willow finally emerged from a very long soak, feeling slightly more human than before, Xander was just finishing changing the sheets on the bed. She didn't bother asking where he'd found them. Xander was acting way too strange for her to worry about sheets. He turned around to see her standing in the doorway, dressed in the clean clothes he had brought for her, and moved swiftly towards her, wrapping her up in his arms.

"I was so worried about you," he murmured into her hair.

"Why?" She asked, confused at his friendly attitude. She was sleeping with the enemy, literally. He was supposed to be screaming at her.

"Giles told us about your dreams and stuff, but he also said that he believed that Angel wouldn't hurt you, because you needed each other. And that kinda got me thinking." He let her go and sat her on the bed, placing himself next to her."I was worried about you. He fed from you, you'd been having all these problems and you hadn't been able to tell me, Oz left you, and Buffy was all upset because you slept with her ex and I'm stressing the "ex" here - boyfriend. Giles' talk about you and dead-boy supporting each other made me realise that I haven't been there to support you. And I should have been."

Willow smiled. Who would have thought that Xander would handle this so well?

"Anyway," he continued, "so I went to your house to find you and apologise, and you weren't there, and it was the middle of the night, so I figured that you had to be here. But when I got here you were passed out on the bed. I thought you were dead for a moment, until you started snoring." He grinned at the memory of how he had found her. "So I decided to turn over my new leaf right then and there, which is why you're cleaner and less hung over."

Willow pulled him into a hug, for a moment forgetting everything else that was wrong. 'thank you, Xander." "This doesn't mean I'm best buds with the dead guy though. I"m doing this for you."

"I know." Willow's smile faded. "But I don't think you need to worry about Angel. He's gone."

Xander settled down on the bed and put on his best listening face. "Tell me what happened."
 

Part Nine

"It's 4:30 AM on a Tuesday It doesn't get much worse than this In beds in little rooms in buildings in the middle of these lives Which are completely meaningless Help me to stay awake, I"m falling."
(Perfect Blue Buildings - Counting Crows)
 

Angel lifted his head from his pillow and wished that he could stop dreaming. It was bad enough that every waking thought he had revolved around a certain redheaded witch without adding his sleeping ones to the list as well. He flipped onto his back, slamming his head back down on the bed. Banging it against the mattress a couple more times, he levered himself off the bed and padded across the wooden floor on bare feet. Opening the fridge door, and blinking at the bright light in the dark room, he reflected that there were advantages to living as long as he had. He had accumulated some money, for example, mostly with Whistler's help in the last few years, and this enabled him to keep several homes all over the world, and made sure he always had the money for a hotel room with blinds. He grabbed a packet of blood, drained it, and retired back to the bed.

God, he was a state. He hated drinking just because he was bored, but it was almost sunlight outside, and he couldn't settle doing anything else. A pile of books in the corner of the room bore testimony to this. He had read the first page of every one of them. Angel sighed and, lying back down on his bed, gave into his thoughts.

He wanted to go back to her, talk to her. He found it increasingly impossible to clear his head of the feel of her arms around him, of sleeping beside her, of sex with her <I can't call it making love. It was just sex.> Had she wanted it at all? Was she just being Willow, thinking only of other people? Did she have any feelings for him?

Letting out a growl of frustration, Angel pulled his pillow over his head, and closed his eyes. Eventually he slept, but his dreams were filled with her.

******

She was lying in the sun, on her stomach in the grass, her legs bent at the knees and her bare feet waving in the air. She had a blue sundress on and a straw hat over loose hair that was practically gleaming in the sunlight. Her smile stretched across her face as her hands busied themselves making a daisy chain. She looked up as he walked towards her, revelling in the light and heat on his skin, and her smile grew as he took her hand and pulled her to her feet. Holding her hand, he led her to a river, its gentle waters skipping acrosss tones and ledges.

Squealing with delight, she sat down on the bank and dangled her feet in the clear water. He followed her example and slipped out of his socks and shoes to position himself behind her, one leg either side of hers, his long limbs reaching down to the water, his feet just touching the surface so that the ripples tickled his soles. He reached out to remove her hat and, placing it on the ground beside them, he looped his arms around her waist and laid his head down against her neck. Her hair was so soft on his face, its shining surface warmed by the sun.

He began to kiss it, luxuriating in the feel of it under his lips. Cautiously, he moved her hair to one side and gently kissed the creamy skin beneath it. When his movements met with no resistance, he raised his fingertips to gently brush her shoulders and throat, his lips still caressing the back of her neck. Willow's head bent back with a soft gasp as his lips moved across her throat. Twisting her body she kissed him full on the lips. His hands moved up to her shoulders again, this time bringing the straps of her sundress down her arms.

As she moaned again he unzipped the back of her sundress and his kisses moved lower. He slipped the sundress down to her waist then stood her up and slipped it down off her feet. She turned around and he stopped for a moment just to look at her, her red hair falling to creamy shoulders, her green eyes huge in her pale face, her rose lips slightly smiling. She was wearing nothing but a strapless white satin bra and matching panties and she looked exquisite. Tearing his eyes away, he laid out the blanket he had brought on the grass.Looking at her with his heart in his eyes, he reached out a hand to her. Smiling, she took it.

He kept some space between them so that he could continue to appreciate her, but now he reached behind her to unclasp her bra. As her breasts were unbound, he felt himself gasp at her perfection, the absolute whiteness of the flesh contrasted with the rosebud nipples, taunt and begging to be kissed. Tentatively, he lifted one hand to brush the undersides of her breasts, his eyes flickering to hers, seeking her permission. She moved a little closer and he felt his hands filled with flesh, his thumbs brushing over her nipples.

And then she was kissing him and he was in heaven. She unbuttoned his shirt as his hands pressed into her back and his tongue gained entry to her mouth.She put her hands on his bare shoulders and pushed him to his knees on theblanket. His mouth moved to her breasts, gently kissing the skin on their undersides, then moving to suckle on her nipples. She moaned again, his hands clasping her behind through the satin. As he released her chest she pushed him flat on his back, her fingers working at the fastenings of his trousers.

Grinning, she slipped them over his thighs and off past his feet, taking his boxers with them so that he was lying naked beneath her. She leant down and kissed him before deliberately lowering herself to straddle him, rubbing satin against skin.

Angel moaned indecipherable endearments, his hands running down her shoulders, over her breasts, scraping lightly against her stomach and her thighs before slipping one hand inside her panties. He moaned again to feel her heat and how wet she was. He was vaguely aware of her hands on his chest and neck, but was far more concerned with the finger he was running along her. He delicately circled her clit before brushing gently across it making her gasp, her hands resting on her thighs as she gave into the pleasure. Angel smiled as she closed her eyes, her lips parted and her head thrown back, throat exposed. And then he slipped his finger inside her.

For beautiful minutes she whispered appreciatively as he played her with skilled fingers, sometimes inside, sometimes barely touching, sometimes harder, but always loving and always perfect. Then suddenly she wrenched away. He looked at her in confusion, but met her lust filled eyes and relaxed and enjoyed as she ran her hands down her body and looped her fingers around the waistband of her satin covering, slowly pushing them down her hips and thighs and off her legs. Almost predatorily she moved lithely towards him, sinking to her knees across him, pushing him down to the floor before rubbing against him, this time skin on hot skin. His eyes closed and his head moved back at the feel of her wetness coating him. Then she took him between her hands and slowly, oh so slowly, lowered herself onto him. Her head flung back, her breasts pushed forward, her hair running down her back and her face angelic. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. She moved on top of him, teasing and playing, before finally settling into a rhythm so exquisite he wasn't sure how long he could last.  And when her fingers dug into his arms and her muscles began to clamp around him in ripples, he came inside her, screaming her name. She lay on top of him, exhausted, and he wrapped the blanket around them to ward off the evening chill. He kissed her forehead and watched her sleep. And he loved her, completely.

~~~~

Angel woke up in tears, alone in his bed, and with an unbearable ache in his heart.
 
 

Part Ten

"Saturday afternoon,The sunshine pours like wine,Through my window.And I know, All this means is whiling lonely hours,Watching side shows. And I feel like, I"m on the outside, Of a circle."
(The Circle - Ocean Colour Scene.)
 

When Willow woke the following afternoon, she found herself alone in the bed in the mansion, grateful, not for the first time, that her parents went away so often they would not notice that she hadn't slept in her own bed, again.

Wisps of dreams floated away from her until all that she remembered was that Angel had been there again. The tight, wet feeling between her legs suggested what the subject matter of the dreams might have been.

<Again.>

There was a note from Xander on the pillow beside her. He had apparently stayed with her for a little while after she fell asleep following their heart to heart, but had had to go home to check in with his parents. Willow pulled on her clothes and gathered her stuff together.

<Plan for day. 1) Go Home. 2) Have Bath. 3) Wear Nice Clean Clothes. 4) Avoid Alcohol. 5) Ring Xander and Say Thank You. 6) Go To Library and See Giles. Oh dear. > But these things had to be done. An hour later, she was on her way to the library. She had timed it very carefully, asking Xander to keep Buffy occupied while she visited Giles.

It was a Sunday, but Willow knew that the Watcher would be at the school. He always was. As she walked through the gates she tried not to think about school the next day. <Let's get through today first.> Then she'd have to see Buffy. Better to see Giles first. Willow was pleasantly surprised to see Giles sitting at the library's dread machine, until he started hitting it.

Instantly she jumped into "research girl" mode and stepped in to solve the problem. "What's the matter with it?" she asked.

Giles looked up. If he was surprised to see her, he was very careful not to show it. "Damn thing keeps telling me I have mail, but it won't give it to me." He began muttering under his breath,

"Back home we have names for things that tease like that."  Willow smiled, but sat down to retrieve the lost mail and informed Giles of its contents.

"Well that would have been useful three days ago," he grumbled, before turning to the hacker. "And what are you doing here?"

"I guess, well, I came to see you. And figure out how much you were hating me." Giles sighed, and led Willow into his office.

"I could never hate you, Willow," he started when they were both seated. "I may be a little disappointed by this turn of events, but I don't hate you."

Willow tried very hard not to start crying.

"I can't even blame you, really," Giles continued. "The whole chain was really predetermined from the moment you restored Angel's soul. And given your character and nature, we could hardly have expected you to act differently." He took her hand as a tear rolled down her cheek. "I don't blame you, Willow, and I'm sure that Buffy will come around. You should concentrate on being happy, making the most of this situation. Given the nature and beginnings of this relationship, I do not doubt that Angel will do everything he can to make you happy."

Giles was just about to start congratulating himself on a situation well handled when Willow let out a sob and cried  "Angel's gone."

Giles was quite sure that he had never hated anyone so much in his whole life. Even if he discounted the fact that he had killed the woman Giles had loved, Angel had been given a second chance <and a life with Willow> and he had run out on it, hurting the gentlest creature on his way out the door. How many chances did he want? Willow had told him the situation, in more detail than Giles had really wanted to hear, and he could understand the vampires reasoning <but to leave Willow? >

Giles had sent her home before the sun set, telling her to get plenty of rest before school the next day. She had to face the slayer sometime, and she might as well get it out of the way. He tried to catch up on paperwork, but found himself unable to concentrate.

Buffy reported in and went off to patrol, grumpy that he seemed to pay her even less attention than usual. Eventually he threw down his pen, turned out the library lights and headed home. Giles was half way to his car when he heard the noise behind the gym. He knew that groups of students sometimes hung round there after school, for reasons he was unable to fathom <probably drug related> but he had never heard these sorts of noises before. He supposed that he had better investigate.

Behind the gym, bathed in a blue light, a creature <demon> was feasting on the severed limbs of students. Giles ran back to the safety of the library, vomiting in a flowerbed as he went. Locked in with his books again, he rang Willow.
 

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