Loyalty

Email: laney@realitiescollide.com

Paring: W/A

Disclaimer: I own nothing. It all belongs to Joss and Mutant Enemy. I’m just playing. Don’t sue.

Rating: R. Lots of swearing and some torture…nothing too graphic.

Summary: Willow faces an enemy she fears she won’t defeat.

Warnings/Authors Note: This is a sequel to Sanctuary. This story will make no sense if you haven’t read it. There are some parts that are going to be quite dark so if that offends or upsets, please don’t read it.

Dedication: Thanks to my beta Lisa and everyone who has written me.

Feedback: PLEASE! I’m not too proud to beg! J All flames will be laughed at.

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~Prologue~

I watched the sun set.

It was still safe for me to be outside, even if I didn't feel particularly safe. Actually, I couldn't feel anything. Haven't felt anything since I escaped the hotel...except fear, of course. Everyone was doing their best at keeping their distance. Fred, Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn couldn't even look at me. I wasn't sure if it was because they were angry at me for sleeping with Angel and making him lose his soul, or if they were guilty because their match making attempt had almost gotten me killed.

If Angelus even wanted me dead.

The fact that I was standing in the safety of my property made me wonder if he had any intentions of killing me. He had me. He actually had his hands and fangs on my neck and he let me go.

Well, he had some fun, then he let me go.

Not that my friends or pack knew anything about it, I haven't said a word since I was picked up not far from the hotel by Gunn and Wesley. After I didn't show up at Cordelia's apartment, they came looking for me.

Stakes a blazing.

When I got the phone call to warn me about Angelus' return, they told me to run out of the hotel, but it was a little hard for me to run when all the doors were locked. ALL of them. After wasting precious time busting down the locked door to Angel's office, I tried to run out of the hotel only to find the main doors locked.

That was when things got interesting.

I now know why Cordelia's vision had me losing against Angelus. It was nothing to do with strength. It was the fear and panic that overwhelmed me. Nothing prepared me for seeing Angel without his soul....it was so different from the time he lost it with Buffy. I could feel his anger, hatred and his desire for me, all because I was his mate.

I had never been so terrified in my life.

He was just too fast, too strong....too powerful. I always thought Angel and I were equals, that I was his equivalent. Angel's perhaps, but Angelus? No. The only reason, I would ever beat Angel in a fight, was because of his soul. Angelus was unlike any master I've ever faced. He made Blake look like a walk in the park.

Physically, I would heal quickly. The bruises on my face and torso would heal quickly, in fact, they had already lost some of the blackness to them. The stab wound to my stomach was also healed enough that I wouldn't reopen the wounds just by moving. Angel hadn't been lying when he told me what his demon wanted to do to me.

The bite mark had healed almost completely, but it would scar.

We lost six hours of darkness because I had been pretty much catatonic by the time they managed to get to the property. Joseph and the others had been here waiting for us, and when they saw the state I was in, well they freaked along with me.

It was reassuring to know that when I fucked up, I fucked up royally.

From the reports that I've heard, three of the four copies of the curse had been destroyed. While I had been in shock and freaking out, Angelus had been busy finding every copy of the curse, he knew existed.

Actually, I suspected that he didn't know how many copies existed, he was just covering his bases. Which was why he let me go. He knew my pack wouldn't mount an attack without me, and since he had terrified me so much I lost the ability to speak and process thought, he knew he had at least last night to achieve his goal.

He wanted to make sure Angel never returned.

The curse that was held at the Magic Box was destroyed...god knows how, he must have hired some vamps because one hour before dawn, the entire place went up in smoke.

As did Wesley's, Cordelia's and Gunn and Fred's apartments. Only Wesley had the spell, hence why I thought Angel was covering his bases more than thinking they all had a copy.

There was one last chance. My last hope of ever getting my REAL mate back and it was at the hotel, where most of my wolves were. They left three hours ago, armed with more stakes and cross bows than was necessary. The were going to the hotel to find the curse.

They didn't even ask me to go with.

Faith, Cordy and Fred had gone on another mission, to pick up an ally of Angel they feared would be in danger from Angelus. An ally I hadn't met, I was pretty sure it was the green demon I had seen hanging around Angel a couple of times.

What was I going to do if Angelus had found the last curse? I had never been so terrified in my life...and so broken. Angelus, in less than fifteen minutes had managed to turn me into someone who couldn't even defend herself. What would I do if he ever got his hands on me and didn't let me go? Or one of my wolves?

I reached out and touched the bite mark on my neck.

Twenty four hours ago, Angel had been at the hotel with his team, happy with his soul. Um, no, he was miserable because we broke up, but his soul being there was what the point had been. He had his soul twenty four hours ago...now, he was a monster.

A monster I was terrified of. A monster my wolf was terrified of.

I heard footstep behind me, I didn't bother to turn around.

" Everyone's alive and safe, " Joseph told me. " He wasn't at the hotel."

I waited for him to tell me what I needed to know.

" I'm sorry Willow, he destroyed the curse...."

I blocked out the last of his words as well as his pleas for me to talk to him, to come inside. I waited until I heard him walk away before I let the tears fall. This was the one and only time I was going to mourn. I had to be strong. I didn't have the luxury of being a basket case. I had to figure out a way to stop Angel from doing whatever he was planning.

I closed my eyes and let all the pain and grief wash over me. I wasn't going to stop it, I needed to grieve everything I had lost.

When it was time, I would pushed it away to a place where I kept all things that hurt me beyond repair. The same place I kept of Oz's death, my first kill, my first torture both giving and receiving, the first death of someone in my pack, the death of my sire. It was a place I never visited once I closed the door.

The sun was no longer in sight, the moon had taken its rightful place in the sky.

I walked into the forest, ignoring the shouts of protest behind me.

He'd never find me there, the forest was my domain. My territory. I needed time to think, to prepare.

I needed time to grieve, to say goodbye to Angel.

If I didn't...I was dead.

~Part: One~

I was covered in blood.

None of it was mine, but I was covered in it…head to toe.

My pack were freaked. It was official. I was the first Alpha in the history of werewolves to be grounded by her pack. I would have thought it was ridiculous, but the part of me that wasn't completely filled with rage knew they were right. I needed to be stopped, reasoned, even calmed. I couldn’t go on like this. I was uncontrollable.

I didn’t even think they trusted me around humans any more.

Fred, Cordelia and Gunn were in one of the houses, waiting for the signal, that I was all right. I didn’t know which one they were in, my pack were worried that as soon as I got free of the chains, I would go after them. Faith was guarding them. They figured that the slayer would have a better chance fighting me off than a tranquilliser gun.

My pack knew me. The last time I lost a lover, I hunted down everyone involved. They knew that after the heartbreak, the fear, the grief and the tears were gone, the anger would come.

And it did, in spades.

I was angry, my wolf was angry. While Angelus didn’t force me to submit he did demonstrate a bit of dominance over me. Not enough to be my master, but enough to threaten my wolf. He raped me and bit my neck. If I had been any other breed of creature, vampire or human, that would have been enough for him to dominate me. I would have had to submit.

But wolves are different, they have to get us to submit with more than that. Hell, I’ve had more than that done to me and I never submitted. Strength alone isn’t enough to make me submit, it if it had been, I would be some one’s bitch right now.

I was furious he was able to hurt me like he did and I was furious with myself for forgetting something so simple like the bonds…and last and certainly not least, I was furious with the Powers That Be.

For that reason, I think Joseph will never let Cordelia be alone in a room with me ever again.

They could have sent the fucking vision BEFORE Angel and I slept together. He was their warrior, yet they allowed some werewolf who had no loyalty to them, fuck it all up?

Either they were punishing me or testing me.

It really didn’t matter at the moment. What mattered was I was locked up in chains. We kept them handy just in case a wolf went crazy or rogue. Never thought I would be on the receiving end though.

" How many dead? " Wesley asked. I was impressed with my youngest wolf. At least this time, he didn’t throw up when he saw me rip the throat out of a rival wolf. He was getting better.

From what I could tell, my pack and Faith, spent the last four days searching for me. Actually, they spent the first day searching for me and when they came across the first survivors…they began hunting me.

Two rival packs entered my territory when they heard the news of Angelus’ return. They figured that I’d be an easy target. Maybe they heard what he did to me? No doubt Angelus bragged to the first demon he came across. What ever the reason, they decided to try to take my territory and kill me.

Big mistake.

" Twenty wolves and two Alpha’s, " Joseph looked a little sick himself.

That was my death count?

Regan shook her head. " What did they think she’d do to them? " my strongest female wolf demanded. " She went nuts after Oz was killed, and he wasn’t even her mate. You never approach an Alpha in mourning, didn’t they know anything? "

Joseph was careful to keep away from me. I was still a little pissed they used a tranquilliser gun on me. I hated tranquillisers. They made my head hurt. " At least she was able to retain enough of her consciousness to give wolves the chance to submit. "

I now had over two hundred and fifty werewolves in my pack. Most of them were young or submissive wolves, the more powerful wolves died when they wouldn’t submit to me.

My wolf was impossible to control, at least now I was in human form, I had more of a chance of being stopped.

" Should we call England? " Regan suggested. " If Willow’s gone rogue, we won’t be able to control her. "

The three werewolves looked at me in despair.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen Wesley so freaked. " You think Willow’s gone rogue? Is it possible? "

Joseph shrugged. " Taking on two rival packs on your own isn’t exactly stable behaviour Wesley. At least she had the sense not to take them on at the same time. "

I didn’t. I hunted them, one by one. Hey, I may have lost it but I wasn’t stupid. It had been surprisingly easy. I was constantly underestimated by my kin. I think it was because I was a woman. It took me two days to kill the stronger members of the rival packs before I took the Alpha’s.

By then I was really pissed.

" I don’t want the Elders hearing about this, " Joseph shot me a glare. " They’d be here in a heartbeat to kill her. "

Rogue wolves were not tolerated by the Elders…except Blake, my sire. They let him live long and happy until I ripped his heart out. Guess the proverbial apple really doesn’t fall far.

" So we have not only Angelus to contend with, but Willow as well? "

" No, " I spoke finally, scaring the shit out of all of them.

That gave me a happy.

No one made a move to remove my chains. My wolf was too unstable for that. I resigned myself to spending the next week locked up.

" Are you hurt? " Joseph wanted to know. They had been unable to get close enough to me to check me for any wounds and since I was covered in blood, it was a little difficult to tell if I was bleeding or not.

This was not one of my finest hours.

" Is everyone ok? " I wanted to know about the humans. Though I know I didn’t actually get close enough to hurt them, I needed to be sure.

Joseph relaxed slightly at my question. " They’re a little freaked, but not hurt. "

I let out my own sign of relief. " No Elders. I’m not rogue, " at least I hoped not. But then fearing being rogue kind of made me think that I wasn’t actually rogue. If that made sense.

To be honest, I think it had something to do with Angelus.

We were pioneering in the mate thing. No wolf and vampire had ever mated before and the entire thing was trial and error….especially now that Angel bit me, sorry, Angelus bit me.

The blood on my neck covered the mark so they couldn’t see it, but I had to ask Wesley soon or later to take a look at it. To see if it was actually the vampire equivalent to a claim.

A claim that made me his mate, like my mark on him made him mine. When Angel and I initially mated, he didn’t claim or mark me. He never really asked, now I wish he had. If I was right, Angelus had claimed me as his mate, while my wolf claimed Angel as hers.

That was all I needed.

Why did everything in my life go so wrong? " Hey, you think you guys could put a hose on me and get this blood off? " I was beginning to feel sticky.

Joseph smiled at my question. " Not until we’re sure. "

I understood, rogue wolves were more powerful than normal wolves. " So, what’s Angelus been up to? "

His smile fell. " Nothing. As far as we know, he disappeared off the face of the earth. "

Dare I hope? " You’ve been patrolling? "

" Faith has, " Joseph told me. " The streets are dead, no vamps, no Angelus. "

Not a good sign. Zero vamp activity usually meant a new master was in town. Well, apparently that’s what it meant. I only had Luke’s experience to go on here, the British Alpha werewolf had a run in with vamps a year ago. Since my territory was both Angel’s and the Slayer’s territory, I didn’t have that problem.

Up until now that was.

" Why didn’t Angelus go after Willow when she was vulnerable? " Wesley asked.

My dear sweet, beautiful childe. " Vulnerable? " I was half smiling.

" Wes, when a wolf loses its mate it is at its most deadly…except in the initial stages of mourning. Usually the first two days, " Joseph’s eyes were sympathetic, he knew what this was doing to me. " I think we’re going to have to do some research, we need to know more about vampire mating rituals. "

I raised my eyebrow.

" Gunn thinks the first thing Angelus is going to do is try to claim you. "

Shit.

~Part: Two~

" She’s not going to eat us is she? "

Did Cordelia even realise I was coherent?

Joseph sent Cordelia a glare then turned his attention back to me. I was slowly convincing Joseph I hadn’t gone completely nuts, though he was having a hard time believing it.

Why wouldn’t he?

In the five years I’ve been a wolf, I’ve avoided as many fights as I could. I talked, begged and lied my way out of countless situations, that could have led us all in hot water. I did everything in my power to make sure other that I kept myself and my pack safe.

Hunting two rival packs was not my usual behaviour. My wolf was uncontrollable…so uncontrollable that just being around Cordelia and the others was difficult, I was having a little trouble not shifting. I’ve never been tempted to harm humans, guess the part of me that was the old Willow, always stopped the desire from overpowering me.

Now the only thing stopping me from shifting, was Wesley.

If I shifted, he’d start killing. He was in wolf form, sitting across my lap in an attempt to stop me from doing something stupid. He was too young to be able to control his wolf, so he needed his siblings around him constantly and as it turned out, I needed him. Wesley the wolf calmed me, Wesley the human kind of annoyed me…in a brotherly way.

I had two wolves either side of me, three at my feet, and four behind me. None of it was for my protection. Joseph only allowed me out of the chains if I had a guard around me constantly.

I was beginning to freak out…especially since I had to fight to stop myself from showing Joseph who was in charge.

What I wanted to know was if this was some by product of being the mate of a vicious killer? Was it because my mate, Angel, was taken from me? Was it because Angelus hurt me and my wolf wanted revenge? Or was it because I wasn’t fighting what I was any more?

So many questions and no fucking clue as to why.

Fred, Gunn and Kermit entered the room after Cordelia, followed by Faith. The former rogue slayer nodded to me slightly, before taking her spot in the corner of the room, far enough away from the main discussion, but close enough to kick some butt if needed.

Faith was incredibly loyal to me.

I was a little curious about Kermit. I’d seen him a few times with Angel over the years, but my wolves and I stayed away from him when we realised he could read people. No way in hell was I risking him reading me.

I didn’t need some psychic or whatever the hell he was, telling me I was a monster.

Knew that already.

Joseph cleared his throat to signal the beginning of the pack meeting. " We’ve got trouble. "

Us? Really? Nah!

" Angelus, " one of the pack said. All my wolves were here, well my original pack. My new members hadn’t really been introduced and I wasn’t exactly up to getting to know them.

After all, I forced them to join my pack…something I’ve never done before.

I felt something inside me break.

God, I was so scared.

Willow the psycho wolf, aside, the fear inside me was oppressive and never ending. I think maybe that was the main reason for me losing it like I did, I needed to prove that I had enough strength to kill.

I couldn’t afford to be weak any more. If Angelus got his hands on me, it would be hell for me to get out.

I let out a small, treacherous, whimper.

Damn supernatural senses. All eyes were on me and I knew they could smell my fear. Well, everyone except the humans.

I was not going to say a word. We all had things that used to scare us more than anything else. Mine used to be Blake, now it was Angelus. I couldn’t get the way his eyes looked out of my mind. I never realised how different their eyes were, or how frustrating it was seeing your lovers face, with the eyes of a stranger behind it.

God, I was so confused.

I felt something wet on my neck and I giggled. I loved wolf kissage. I tilted my neck to give Wesley better access. I had to take what I could with him. He was still a little uptight and once he got the hang of being a wolf, when he was able to remember what he did in wolf form, he’d probably stop this. He was only doing this now because he could sense my fear, he was trying to take my mind off my problems.

I loved my wolves.

I’d give anything to go back to the life I had a month ago. Me, my wolves, no mates, no vampires…just us.

" Angelus is a threat, " I said finally. I needed to be strong. I could be strong?

Right? They needed me to take control and not in a ‘kill everything in sight’ kind of way. They needed me to be an Alpha. Red. " We’ll have to take him out. "

Everyone nodded and looked at me expectantly.

Oh, they wanted a plan. " We’ll have to work out what he’s up to, I doubt he’s just sitting in the hotel waiting for us to find him. "

" I’ve been talking to my boys, none of them have seen anything, " Gunn informed me.

Faith agreed. " I’ve beat up a couple of demons, big zero there. "

" Buffy’s safe isn’t she? " I was a little astounded this was the first time I’ve asked about his ex-lover.

" I’ve been calling her everyday, " Cordelia answered. " Other than blowing up the magic box, they’ve heard nothing. "

Not a good sign." Faith, select six wolves you trust and who won’t mind working with a human. Hit the streets, I need you to find out which vampire clans are in the city at the moment. Find out who they’re leaders are, how many beta’s…everything. They were beginning to make a little trouble for me before Angelus came back, and now they’re quiet. "

Faith’s eyes widened. " You think they’re working with Angel? "

" Makes sense, " Regan commented. " Angelus can’t take us all on, especially now we’ve doubled in size. "

" Plus, think of all the extra killing he gets to do if he’s got his own army, " Gunn added.

Army? Christ, Angelus wouldn’t be that stupid to start a war with wolves, would he?

Damn right he would.

Talk about hitting me where it hurt. If I was Angelus, and wanted to force my mate to submit, I’d go after what she loved more than anything.

Her pack.

" Joseph, " I addressed my beta. " Send a dozen wolves to Sunnydale. Choose carefully, they’ll have to be loyal to Buffy and Xander. They’re going to need all the protection they can get. If Angelus is going to start trouble for me, he might try to hit me on several fronts. Which means Buffy and Xander. "

I was on a roll. " Regan, once Wesley is human, I want you two to hit the books. We need to find a new curse. Call Tara, get her looking in Sunnydale. I’m sure she didn’t keep everything at the magic shop. If you can’t find anything, call some of the shaman’s I’ve gotten to know…actually, Kermit, would you mind helping them? "

Did I just call him Kermit to his face? Lorne, I meant to say Lorne.

" Sure thing, Sugarpie. "

I guessed I deserved that. " If you have any connection use them, " I nodded to him slightly. The guy really did give me the wiggins. " Cordy and Fred, I need you to talk to everyone here. Every wolf, including the new ones. Find out if any of them heard about Angel, especially the rival packs. Maybe he encouraged them to enter my territory in an attempt to challenging me. Talk to my regular pack, I need to know everything anyone said to Angel. Everything. Angelus is going to use anything he can against us, and if someone has told him pack secrets, he’ll have an advantage over us. Set up a time with Joseph so I can talk to you too, I told Angel the most. "

" We’ll get on it, " Cordelia nodded.

Cordelia was a people person, she’d get more information out of the wolves than anyone else. Fred was the pacifier. Wolves seemed to gravitate to the genius in ways I’ve never seen before. They loved her.

" Gunn, hit the streets, but not alone. I know you don’t like monsters, so I won’t ask you to take one of the pack, " subtle, I’m not. " You’re old gang will be fine, just warn them to stay the hell away from my wolves. I need to know how many vamps are out there, how many are strays and if there is more than one master in town, look for signs of more demon activity. The rest of you, hit the forest, train the new pack members. "

Even I was impressed by my control of the situation. I’d gone from nut job, to scaredy cat, to Alpha all in a short space of time.

" Did I miss anyone? "

" Just one person, " Joseph told me.

I did? Damn, I thought I had everyone. " Who? "

" You. "

Oh. Me? What was I doing? " I’m going to get us a little back up. "

" A little back up? Honey, if that’s a little back up, we’re in a lot of trouble if you call in the big guns, " Lorne had seen my future or whatever he saw?

I narrowed my eyes at him. " I thought I had to sing for you to read me? "

He shrugged. " You’re aura is screaming, Sugar. I could feel you before I got here. "

Swell. " Dismissed, people. "

The room emptied with startling speed. I think after a week of me going nuts and them sitting around doing pretty much shit all, they were glad to be doing something productive.

The only people in the room were Wesley and myself. In the excitement, my ‘guards’ forgot they needed to protect people from me. " So, how did I do Wes? " I asked the wolf.

He licked my face in approval.

I had some calls to make.

~Part: Three~

" How many? " Daniel asked, not bothering to say hello.

This was why I waited till I had no choice but to call him. Daniel didn’t do things halfway, for a Beta Wolf, he was incredibly powerful. We’ve fought and hunted together, to this day I’ve never seen such a magnificent wolf.

I tried calling everyone I know, but my behaviour after Angel lost his soul, made me scary. Some wolves still thought I was rogue. I hadn’t made a single ally in the week since our pack meeting. My pack haven’t had any luck finding out anything, so it was consistent, we were all getting no where.

The only indication we had, that something big was going down, was the sudden exodus of demons. Demons didn’t leave town unless something bad was coming.

Angelus.

It had been weeks since Angel lost his soul, and so far, nothing had happened. I was beginning to get scared. He was planning something, I knew he was.

Or maybe he was just waiting for me to go to him.

Despite the hatred my wolf felt towards Angelus, he still had the body of my mate, therefore I needed him. Physically, we needed to be together. Angelus was no doubt wondering why I hadn’t heeded his call. If he hadn’t raped me, I would have gone to him a couple of weeks ago, but his actioned changed the dynamics of our bond.

While in human form, I needed him, yearned him, and lusted after him. In wolf form I hated him. The hatred was so intense that I could no longer shift without harming someone. I had to pull Wesley off the curse hunt to research what was happening to me. I constantly felt as though I was being pulled in two different directions. I wanted and hated him.

We’ve worked out, with the help of Giles in England, that by attacking me, Angel had broken the bond between us in some way…weakened it slightly. Giles assured me that if we were successful in restoring Angel’s soul, there was a good chance my wolf wouldn’t hate him enough to kill him on sight.

If Angelus hurt me more, then the chances of me controlling it around Angel, would be slim.

My wolf would hate Angel, soul or not.

I just prayed Angelus didn’t do anything stupid. I didn’t know what would happened to me if I was pushed too far, I didn’t want to know. Losing Angel and Oz made me insane. If Angel went after my pack, or god, killed Joseph, I think I’d lose it completely.

Maybe I should warn Angelus? I’m sure he would listen to me when I pleaded with him not to harm my pack. Yeah, right! Angelus didn’t care about anyone but himself…and me. After all, look at the hassle he was going through just to possess me.

" Will? "

Damn I had forgotten Daniel. I zoned so easily lately. " Sorry Danny, " I saw the irony in the fact that, my first serious boyfriend since Oz, had the same name and was a werewolf. I’m glad we called Oz, Oz, not Daniel.

" How many? " he repeated his original question.

" None. Not yet, " it bugged me he was so eager to send wolves into my territory. Sure, I was in danger, but that didn’t meant we had to go do something crazy…like send an army here or anything.

" Willow, " I knew I was in trouble when he said my name like that. " When are you going to ask for help? When he’s got you locked up, doing god knows what to you? You told me everything he did to Buffy when he lost his soul before. "

Which I was really regretting. I didn’t need Danny telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I was an Alpha for Christ sake, I dominated him. " Fuck me, " I was feeling very mature.

" I wish. "

We had that awkward moment, the ‘ex’ moment, when a throwaway comment like that made things feel like hell. What did he want me to do? To say? It was taking me a lot just to call him. He was closely associated with the Elders, so much so, that I didn’t trust him completely. I didn’t want the Elders here, I didn’t want their armies here. Enough people were going to die because of my mistake, the Elders would just make the death count intolerable.

" I’m sorry, " he said finally. " I’m scared for you. "

Now I felt bad. " I’m scared for me too. "

He laughed. " I’m sorry that this happened, if that’s worth anything. You deserve happiness. "

Again with the awkward moment. He knew more about my life than Angel did. Angel knew about everything except the wolf stuff. " It does mean something, thanks. "

" Will, you’ve got some trouble here too. "

For crying out loud! Wasn’t the shit I was going through here enough? The Powers must have it in for me. " What kind of trouble? "

" The Elders. "

My blood went cold. " What about them? "

" They’re asking questions about you and Angelus. "

Now I was full of fear. I didn’t think I was going to like this trouble. " What kind of questions? "

" How you guys met, how long you’ve known him, about his soul. " he replied. " They’re also asking about just you. "

" Daniel, spit it out, NOW! "

" They’re asking about your life before you became a wolf. Where you came from, who your friends were, " holy shit. " They also were looking into your wolf bloodline, tracing it. Seeing why you have so much strength. "

Fuck.

I could hear the panic in Daniel’s voice. " Blake was an Alpha for well over a decade, and he was rogue. With everything Luke told us, you killed him without magic, and without your pack. You shouldn’t be able to do that, not for another five years…at least. Then you went and killed all those wolves, Will, they’re asking a lot of questions. They’re also wondering if you will be strong enough to kill Angelus, they want him dead. They want him dead so you’ll be free to mate with a wolf. "

Please, someone shoot me. " Wait a second, Wes and I have researched. Wolves don’t recognise vampires as mates, his death doesn’t free me. As far as they’re concerned, I’m free to mate. "

Hesitation. " Willow, they know everything. I had no choice, " he sounded miserable. " They were threatening to torture some of the pack if I didn’t tell them everything I knew about you. They know how loyal you are, and how you gave Angel his soul back. They think that you’ll try to restore his soul before killing him. They think you’ll stay loyal to Angel regardless of being free to mate a wolf. "

I got the distinct feeling he was holding something back. " Daniel, what aren’t you telling me? "

" You really want to know? Some of it’s conjecture, but from what I found out … apparently one of the Elders know Angelus. "

" Are you sure? " Angel never mentioned knowing one of the Elders. " Angel never said anything. "

" Well he doesn’t know him in person, " he told me. " Rumour has it, that Angelus killed a member of an Elder’s family…their human family. "

My heart stopped beating for what felt like a full minute. This changed everything. If Angelus killed one of the Elder’s family, then they would have every right to enter my territory for retribution. " Are you sure? "

" I don’t know, " he admitted. " I didn’t believe it at first. Then news came an hour ago. Four Elders left England. "

Four? FOUR! " Holy shit. " I felt panic well inside of me. " Four Elders? What, one wasn’t enough? Why did they need four? One is enough to kill me, slowly, painfully…oh god, I’m going to die. Four…FOUR! They think I’m rogue. They think that because I want mad, and killed a heap of wolves, that I went rogue. "

" Willow… "

" I’ll have you know that they were in my territory, buster…"

" Buster? Willow, calm down…"

" I had every right to kill them, okay, they caught me bad day, but they were in my territory. I didn’t…."

" WILLOW! " Daniel yelled into the phone. " I know you said you rambled, but I thought you were kidding. "

I tried to calm myself down, but it wasn’t easy. Four elders could pretty much destroy my territory. No wolf had ever denied them, had ever refused to submit to them. If they were after Angel, they would be able to recruit packs from within the states.

Including mine.

IF they wanted Angel, there was every chance they wanted me. Great! Not only did I have to avoid Angelus, I had to avoid the Elders. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hit something. This wasn’t fair, why was this happening?

" Daniel, how much time do I have? "

" They’re in the states already. They left a few days ago. I only found out when the remaining Elders interrogated me, " he was back to sounding miserable. He felt as though he betrayed me, but he didn’t. I would have hated myself if one of Luke’s pack died because Daniel wanted to protect me. The Elders would have found out about me sooner or later. Besides, it was my fault for confiding in Daniel.

I felt the tingle of someone accessing my strength. " Daniel…I need allies, " I felt an air of anger wash over me. My wolf was responding to the activation of my bond. Ten wolves were bound to me, so I didn’t know who was in danger…and I couldn’t help them. It could be a trick from Angelus. I didn’t go out at night any more. " Hang on a second, Danny. "

I closed my eyes, focused and flooded the bonds with my strength and power. I wasn’t doing anything with it, so I didn’t mind giving everything.

" Something wrong? "

" Someone is accessing my bonds, they’re in a fight. " I prayed who ever it was, wasn’t in danger from the Elders. " Daniel, do you know the names of any allies in America…who could help me? "

" Don’t ask me that, " he replied, enigmatically. " Willow, I’m compromised and with the Elders prowling around, I can’t be trusted…neither can my information. "

What was he saying? " Are you saying that the Elders are going to try to get to me through you? " I hoped not. They could do it, and it would work.

He sighed. " Let’s just say it’s possible. "

" I still need a list of wolves who could help me, you guys have contacts where I don’t, " I wasn’t above begging. " Please, Danny. "

" That’s not fair, " he mumbled. " You know I can’t say no to you. "

We spent the next hour talking about allies, going through any wolf that could help me. I didn’t know half of the names on the list, which was a good sign. We finally settled on three Alpha’s who had large enough packs to give Angelus a run for his money.

Problem was, the wolves were extremely dangerous. As much as Daniel wanted to help me, I think he feared giving me the names, would place me in even more danger. Like I cared! I was in enough shit now, what was a little more?

" Promise me you won’t go to them, unless things get really bad, " he pleaded with me. " Will, these guys are dangerous and powerful. I’m not just saying that to scare you. It’s the truth. These guys are a big threat. They don’t take on allies often, but because of your history, they might take you on. "

I didn’t like the sound of it either. I stared down at the names, I’d call them, set up a meeting, then decide. There was still hope that Angelus didn’t anything too stupid.

The door to my office swung open. Cordelia stood breathlessly in the doorway, her face streaked with tears.

" Cordy, what is it? "

" It’s Joseph. "

~Part: Four~

Calm. I had to be calm. I struggled to keep the anger from completely overwhelming me. I wanted nothing more than to run out and kill Angelus, in retribution for what he did to my childe, but that was what he wanted.

It really wasn’t reassuring.

Seriously, the whole ‘it’s what he wants’ thing did nothing to calm me. to make me think clearer. I wanted to kill him. I wanted him dead. I wanted to rip him apart and kill him…horribly.

Faith was holding onto me so tightly that it hurt. She wasn’t comforting me, she was stopping me from running out the door and ripping Angelus to shreds. My pack were blocking the door, somewhat reluctantly, while Fred and Wesley were doing their best to calm me.

Gunn and Kermit were with Cordelia, comforting her.

The two of us were more than willing to go out and kill Angelus, but our friends weren’t going to let us. They were right, this was what he wanted. Torturing Joseph and leaving him for dead, was supposed to have sent me into a rage.

It worked.

" Willow, " Wesley was rubbing my knee. " From everything I’ve read, the bond between a vampire and a mate is incredibly strong. Not only will he sense you when you’re near the warehouse, you’ll find it difficult to resist going to him. Physically, you’re drawn to him. He’ll try to use that to his advantage. "

Fred nodded frantically in agreement. " We don’t want to lose you. "

I didn’t say anything, instead, I leaned into Faith and her grip relaxed slightly. Part of me wanted to go to Angelus, I wanted him to kill me, to end this nightmare I was living. My life had turned into a nightmare. Since the age of fifteen, my life had been nothing but pain, death, fear and misery.

I wanted out.

Eight years I’ve spent fighting evil, five of those I’ve been the very evil I’ve feared, and I was tired of it. I was tired of fighting the bad guys, and fighting myself. I always thought of myself as a monster, and I hated it, so I worked hard at not being a monster.

Look where it got me?

" How long to dawn? " I asked.

Wesley looked at his watch. " Two hours. "

" We leave in one hour. Faith and Gunn, I’d like you to come with us, " it wasn’t a request, but a demand. " Regan, I need you to find six hunters, send them to Sunnydale, then I want you to gather fifty wolves and send them to the warehouse. "

Faith tightened her hold on me again. " Red, you know this is what he wants. "

I ignored her. " Get the strongest wolves in magic, that you can. If Angelus is going to try to draw me to him, then the wolves have to keep me back. No weapons required, we’re not going to kill Angelus. I just want to talk to him. "

" I’m going with you, " Cordelia said, determinedly.

I shook my head. " No, Cordelia. I need you to stay here with Wesley and Fred. "

She shook her head. " I want him to pay for what he did. "

" And he will, " I promised. " But Faith was right when she said this is what he wants. I’m timing it so it’s dawn when we arrive, that way, he won’t be able to come out and take me. "

I walked up to the seer.

" Did Joseph ever tell you he wanted you as his mate? " I asked. Cordelia shook her head, new tears falling. " Joseph would never forgive me if anything happened to you. You are under my protection and care, Cordy. I can’t and won’t allow you to be put in danger. He wouldn’t want that. "

" You’re really not going to kill him? "

I shook my head. " It has nothing to do with getting Angel back, I promise. I’m not strong enough to take him on my own. As a master, he’s far stronger than me, " I reached up and touched her face. " That doesn’t mean I won’t hurt him. I will, I swear I will make him pay for what he did to Joseph and to us. For the rest of his days, I swear, Angelus will remain an enemy of all wolves everywhere. "

Faith moved to where Cordy and I were, and put her hand on my shoulder. " What about Angel? I mean, if he gets his soul back, making him an enemy of wolves will put him in danger. "

It would. " Regan, spread the word around that Angel is never to be held responsible for Angelus’ actions. "
 

Cries of protest echoed through the room.

I held my hand up. " Angel is NOT Angelus. You have all fought beside him, well most of you, and he has brought no harm to any wolves. Angel is never to be harmed. "

They were glaring at me now. Like I cared!

" I decree it law, " could these wolves yell or what? I waited until all the protests died down. " That being said, I can not allow this to go unpunished. Angelus is an enemy of all wolves…as is every childe within his line. "

" Um, every childe? " Faith asked.

" No wolves are allowed to assist in searching for the curse, " this time, it was Fred, Gunn and Lorne who protested. " You are allowed to use what ever means we have here, but no wolf is allowed to help, in any way. I want Angel back as much as anyone, but I can’t and won’t help you. You are on your own. " I couldn’t help them, it would be seen as a betrayal.

" Wesley, I need you to call England. On the speed dial on my phone, is the name Daniel, call him and ONLY speak to him. Tell him you’re my childe and tell him what happened to Joseph and the new laws I’ve decreed, " I felt numb inside. " Then tell him that I still do not want the Elders involved, but I am inviting him to America to fight with me. "

Wesley nodded. " Is there anything else I can do to help? "

" Yeah there is, " I began heading towards the door. " Tell Danny I need a thousand. "

" Oh, you don’t have to do that, " Fred jumped up from the floor. " Gunn and I have a lot of money saved. If you’re running short, we can help you. We’ve got more than a thousand? Right? " she looked to Gunn, who nodded.

I smiled, partly in amusement and partly at her innocence. I was like that once, innocent. There was a time, when the most I had to worry about was getting an A, or getting Xander to notice me.

In the time I was with Buffy, I helped saved the world, three times. Well…I think it was three times, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t actually do anything that made much of a difference, but I was there, fighting when the hellmouth opened twice, when the mayor turned into a demon, when Angel lost his soul.

I fought when no one asked me to. You would have thought the Powers would have granted me a little slack? But then I did go crazy and kill a lot of wolves. I wasn’t perfect…I was far from it. But did I really deserve the life I had now? What was happening to me now? I wasn’t sure…maybe…maybe not. If I didn’t have two hundred people needing me to help them, I would have done myself in, having Angelus here was too much. I couldn’t cope with it.

I couldn’t cope with it the way I was now. So I had no choice but to stop fighting. I had to let go and become what I really was. I didn’t like it, but I had no choice. Angelus had forced my hand.

" Thank you, Fred. I appreciate the gesture, but I’m not after money. I have more than enough, " I really was touched.

" Then what did you need a thousand of? "

" Werewolves. "

~Part: Five~

I was dressed to kill. Metaphorically, not literally. I was dressed head to toe in leather. The leather pants moulded to me like a second skin, resting at my hips, the leather top I was wearing was…well it was pretty much a bra. There really wasn’t any other way to describe it.

Why I dressed like Willow, Mistress of Pain? I wasn’t sure. Maybe I wanted to intimidate him…or maybe I just wanted him to see what he was missing. Immature, but true.

I walked down the path to the warehouse, Faith and Gunn, either side of me. My wolves were somewhere around, I couldn’t see them, but I could smell them. I could also smell something else.

Magic.

The warehouse was heavily warded with magic, making a magical attack from me, impossible. That wasn’t what I was interested in, however. I sniffed the air.

Things were certainly getting interesting.

All magic has a certain signature, and for supernatural creatures like wolves, we can smell the signature and tell where or who the magic was coming from. I was both a little shocked, and pleased, by what I was smelling. I really had to stop underestimating everyone…this was the third time he had surprised me.

It would be the last.

" Kane’s here, " I whispered to Faith.

She faltered. " What? He’s dead! Joseph killed him in your Alpha battle with Blake! "

" The same Kane who tried to kill Fred? " Gunn growled.

I stopped walking and looked seriously at the man. " Gunn, if you ever want to become a werewolf, I want you to come to me, " I ran my eyes down his form. " You would make a brilliant wolf. "

He shifted awkwardly, his anger gone. " You’re freaking me out, Red. "

" Red, " Faith hit my arm lightly. " Can we get back to the problem at hand? Kane? Alive? How? "

I shrugged. " Joseph said he killed him when he slammed him against a tree. When there was no body, Joseph and I assumed the wolves ate him. "

" Ate him? " Faith paled.

" We eat our kills, Faith. It’s how we keep from being discovered by the human world, " somehow I think that little bit of information didn’t go down well. " He must have gotten away while I was fighting Blake. "

We started walking again. " He’s working with Angelus? " Faith said finally, sounding pissed. When Faith stayed with us the first time, when she got parole, she and Kane hit it off. She really liked him.

Her question got to me. " Yeah, he really must hate me, " especially considering he betrayed me when Angel came into my life. Actually, the betrayal had started before that, but it still had a lot to do with Angel.

Now he was working with his enemy to bring me down.

" There is a bright side to it, " I commented as we neared the entrance to the warehouse. I could already feel the pull inside of me to go to my mate, to be with him, but I resisted. Fifty wolves were using pack magic, that could only be accessed by werewolves, to keep me to them. They were calling me, sending me their need for me, both physical and emotional.

" A bright side? Kane is a strong wolf, " Faith raged. " Kane and Angelus together is…I can’t think of anything worse. "

" The bright side is I get to kill Kane. "

We stopped as we neared the entrance. I was unarmed, but Faith and Gunn both had crosses and stakes. We didn’t need them. We were bathed in sunlight.

I jumped up and sat on the small brick wall directly in front of the entrance. I was so not going to go in there, I just wanted to talk, I didn’t want to die.

Not until I had my revenge.

" So what do we do now? " Faith asked, sitting next to me. Gunn sat on the other side.

" Now, we wait until he gets tired of waiting and comes out. "

Gunn didn’t like the idea. " And what if he doesn’t? "

I shrugged. " I’m pretty sure he will. I’m his mate, I’m sending out some, ‘come fuck me’ vibes. That’ll get him out. "

Faith let out a short laugh. " Red, you are a piece of work. "

" He could wait till nightfall? " he argued.

" If he doesn’t come out in three hours, we’ll leave, " I’m pretty sure he would, especially since I had a plan B, to lure him out.

Faith sighed. " I hate waiting. "

" Hello, lover. "

I jumped when I heard the voice. I hadn’t expected Angelus out so soon, I thought he would have waited till sunset, like a normal person…but then he wouldn’t be able to taunt me.

I looked at him, my body filling with a mixture of arousal, lust and hatred. He would be able to smell it, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t hiding from it. " Hello Angelus. " My voice was calm.

I wanted to fuck him, then kill him. I jumped down from the wall and walked towards him, Gunn and Faith, scrambling behind me. The need to go to him was unbearable. I didn’t realise being this close would tempt me like this. Damn, I almost walked right up to him.

" Red, don’t do it, " Faith grabbed me before I got too close to him.

I felt the magic from my wolves surrounding me, stronger than before, they were calling me to them. I wanted to be with him so bad, my body ached. I needed some release, and I needed it soon. Just seeing Angelus set my body on fire.

Shit.

" I heard about your loss, " he feigned remorse. " I can’t tell you how sorry I am that Joseph died. I really thought he would last longer than he did, I mean, I barely tortured him before he started dying. It really was kind of disappointing. "

Oh? Really? Faith and Gunn both looked at me and I shook my head, I needed them quiet.

He smiled. " So, is this where you come and kill me for killing your puppy? Because if it is, I really would have come better armed. Though, your outfit…gotta say, you look beautiful, " he wanted me to. I could smell it. His body was tense and there was a small bead of sweet running down his face. He had to stop himself from stepping into the daylight.

Glad both of us were having a hard time.

" You really shouldn’t have gone after Joseph, Angelus, " I told him, my tone deadly serious. " I’m not the type of person to let this thing go lightly. "

His smile turned into a grin.

" My first instinct was to come here and kill you, " I told him honestly. " But then, that would be too easy. I mean, come on, you know I can’t beat you in a fight. You showed me that at the hotel. Then, I thought maybe I should offer myself as a trade, you know, to keep you from hurting people, but then I thought it was too much like Buffy. She’s the slayer, protector of innocents. I’m not. "

His smile faded somewhat. He could smell my rage, but I was controlling it too well, he had expected me to launch myself at him the first chance I got. He wasn’t liking what he was seeing.

" So, I’m left with only one thing. I have to hurt you as much as you hurt me, " I smiled sweetly. " There are many ways to hurt an enemy. You know that, right? Of course you do, you’re so old. It’s how I stayed alive. I learned from you. I never told you that, did I? You were my monster mentor. Don’t kill ‘em outright, make it long and painful. "

Now he was confused.

I pretended to think. " So how could I hurt you? You’re a monster and there aren’t many things you care about. I can only think of one thing you really want…and need, " I licked my lips. " Did you know wolves don’t recognise vampires as mates? Strange huh? I find it hard to believe myself, but by wolf law, I’m free to um, see and…fuck, who ever I want. "

" Willow, " he growled, his face morphing at the thought of me with someone else. He took a step towards me, but a hand stopped him from inside the building. I wondered if it was Kane?

" Uh, Red, try not to piss off the deadly vampire, " Faith urged me.

" I promise, whenever I have someone pounding into me, I’ll be thinking of you, " I winked at him, and turned away. " An eye for an eye, Angelus. "

I was almost at the car when Faith and Gunn caught up with me. None of us spoke until we were inside the car. We could hear smashing from inside the warehouse.

" Am I the only one who thinks that was incredibly stupid? " Gunn said as he pulled onto the road.

" Oh no, " Faith agreed. " I’m right there with you, gang boy. "

Surprising, my mood was better, horniness aside.

" You know he’s going to come for you, right? " Gunn yelled, letting his anger get the better of him. " He’ll take the damn vampires to the house. "

" No he won’t, " I told him. " He’ll be following us. "

Faith turned around in the front seat. " Following us? Red, do you want to tell us what the hell is going on? Why did you let him think he killed Joseph when he didn’t? "

Joseph was alive, barely. Angelus must have assumed he wouldn’t survive…which surprised me. I wasn’t going to tell him otherwise. Might be useful.

I looked through my bag and pulled out the amulet that I picked up on the way to the warehouse. " This amulet will prevent him from sensing me. I want you to drive in the opposite direction to Sunnydale, then when we’re a couple of hours away, turn around and head back. "

" I’m not following you. "

I sighed. " I don’t want him to know what I’m up to yet, so we’re going for a drive. Then, we’ll head to Sunnydale. He’ll think we’re headed out of town away from Sunnydale, and he’ll follow the scent until it disappears. "

" Why are we going to Sunnydale? " Faith wanted to know.

" An eye for an eye. He tried to kill my childe, so I go after his. "

~Part: Six~

You’d think after hours of driving, my anger would have faded? To be honest, it had. Until I arrived in Sunnydale, now I was back to being furious, and coming across as a little dangerous.

A little unstable too.

" A Vampire Slayer protecting a vampire?" I tried to keep my voice tone light, but it was just coming across as pissed. " Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse or something?"

Everyone was here. Buffy, Dawn, Tara, Xander, my wolves, Faith, Gunn, and of course Spike. Spike was on the verandah of Buffy’s home, out of the rays of the setting sun, it was actually safe for him to step out into the dusk, but then he’d be near me…..which wasn’t safe.

I just knew it was killing him to hide behind the Slayer’s skirt. I should know, he just flinched when I asked him. So did Buffy for that matter. Did Buffy have feelings for Spike? Did the girl not know that vampires and Slayers didn’t mix? Far be it for me to throw stones. I fucked my mate’s soul out of his body.

" Willow, I know you’re upset," Buffy tried to reason with me.

I wasn’t upset. No, I was a couple of counties over from upset. Not only was my childe severely injured, but the human members of my pack, Faith and Gunn, had ratted me out. I would have had Spike if they hadn’t given them all warning.

Now I was going to have to ‘talk’. Fuck talking. " Well, then you won’t mind giving Spike over to me," I drawled. " After all, you’re the slayer. Letting vampires die is what you do."

Buffy shook her head. " Willow, I can’t do that."

Oh for the love of God, why did things have to be so hard? "Yes, Buffy you can. It’ll be a whole lot safer for everyone if you do."

Oh someone shut me up! I was too volatile to be negotiating, I should have brought Regan with me. She kept her cool far better than I did. Why was I negotiating with the Slayer anyway? She was supposed to kill vampires, not protect them from insane werewolves.

Her eyes flashed. " Are you threatening me?"

I couldn’t think of anything to say, well except for a cheesy comeback, so I said nothing. Reality was, Buffy was endangering everyone with her, just by protecting Spike.

" What are you going to do to him, Willow? Torture him? Kill him?" she demanded. " Killing him won’t have any effect on Angelus, he hates Spike."

I knew that. " That’s right, he helped you when you sent Angel to hell. He also protects Dawn, doesn’t he? Is he your fuck buddy too?"

Ouch!

I chuckled. " Hit a little too close to home did I?" I licked the blood from my mouth. Buffy could really hit. Maybe I hadn’t been too far off the mark with my thoughts earlier… Spike was giving me a death glare now.

He still loved her. That was kind of sweet.

Why couldn’t Angelus love me like… NO! NO! NO! I was so not going down that road. I did not need to think of Angelus as someone I could actually be with.

" I can take him any time I want to, Buffy," I was tired of playing her game. The sun was almost fully set, and I didn’t want to be out after dark. Angelus couldn’t sense me, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t work out where I was. "It’s up to you if you want to die for him."

Dawn let out a cry of alarm, Xander held her back.

Damn! What was I doing? Where was this violence coming from? Was I that scared that I’d kill the slayer? Or was I that angry that I was lashing out at everything and anything. God! What was wrong with me?

Now, I was really scared.

What if I really was rogue? What if what Angelus had done, had sent me over the edge? Was raping me enough to send me insane? Was almost killing Joseph enough to push me past my limit? Just what would I do to protect my pack?

"Willow," Faith’s hand was on my shoulder. " Come on, let’s go to a hotel. You can cool down, and then we’ll come back tomorrow and talk."

Spike stepped off the verandah. " If you want me, Pet, you’re gonna have to fight me."

Xander glared at the vampire. " That’s really helping, Spike."

Gunn stepped to the other side of me. " Buffy, Willow’s upset about Joseph. She doesn’t mean to threaten you."

Buffy wasn’t glaring at me, now she was staring at me horrified. " Did you kill all those werewolves?"

I gasped. How the fuck did she know about that? Which group was she talking about? The first when Oz died, or the second after Angel lost his soul?

Spike stopped dead in his tracks.

" I killed them."

" Dawn, go inside. NOW. Tara, Xander, you too," Buffy ordered. I watched Dawn and Tara hurry inside. Xander stayed where he was.

Spike was no longer advancing at me, instead, he was looking at me in sympathy. Damn preternatural senses. He would be able to smell my fear, anger, and pain. Great, now the vampire I wanted to hurt, was pitying me.

Could my life get any more fucked up?

" I’m not letting you kill him. You’ll have to kill me first."

Yep. It could. " I’m not going to kill him."

She arched a disbelieving brow at me.

" You’re right, I am going to kill him. If he doesn’t agree to my terms," I corrected myself. It had never been my intention to kill Spike, but I had acted like it was. I didn’t think they’d believe me if I told them that.

" You’re not going to kill Spike?" Buffy laughed. " You said it yourself, Angelus hurt your childe, now you’re going to hurt his…."

" Exactly."

Buffy frowned.

" Spike is not Angelus’ childe," I told her. "He is a direct descendant, but not a childe."

Spike growled at me. " You stay the bloody hell away from, Dru."

See, that was why he was a master vampire. He was so darn smart! " Sorry, Spike. I can’t do that. Dru is the only childe that I know of….more than that. He was obsessed with her."

I was not feeling jealous. Xander held Spike back from attacking me. Was it out of protection for me? Or was it out of protection for Spike? I wasn’t entirely sure.

" I am willing to negotiate Spike."

He stopped trying to get free of Xander. I wondered how frustrating it was for him not to be able to hurt humans? " What will it take for you to leave Dru alone?"

He knew it was going to be big, whatever it was. " An alliance, you help us kill Angelus, give me information….amongst other things, and I’ll take Dru off the hit list."

" Hit list?" Buffy repeated.

Spike’s eyes narrowed. " He’s really pissed you off, hasn’t he Red? You’re going after the Order of Aurellius, aren’t you?"

I plead the fifth. " Agree, Spike? Give me what I want, and I’ll let Dru live. If you don’t, Dru dies, and anyone else who stands in my way. "

"Agreed."

Buffy spun around to face him. " Spike, no. You can’t trust her."

The punch before….didn’t hurt at all, compared to that comment. What was the saying, the word is mightier than the sword? Hell yeah. " I want the name of every vampire in the Order, all of Angelus’ children. I want their lairs, everything. At anytime, if I think you’re holding back, I’ll send the hunters after Dru….. And they will kill her. Slowly."

Spike was going to kill me the first opportunity got, I knew it.

" But there’s something else I want from you, Spikey." I approached him slowly, like a predator. The closer I got to him, the more I smelled his scent. God, he smelled like Angel….it was intoxicating. I held out my hand and let it shift. Just the hand, nothing else. I could partially shift without fully shifting.

" Red," Faith called out in alarm.

I ignored her. I grabbed Spike’s neck with my human hand. " Spike, I want your blood."

Buffy gave a shout.

" Stop her," I ordered my wolves.

" Willow!" Gunn this time. " What the hell are you doing?"

What was I doing? Telling my wolves to stop the slayer. Not smart, but I didn’t want Buffy near me when I was in the middle of transformation. I wasn’t going to shift into my wolf form, but this was how I infected Wesley. Add in my instability, my fear, and anger…. Well, there was no guarantee I wouldn’t go after her.

I lifted my claw to his neck. Well, it was half claw, half hand. I just wanted the sharp nails. Slowly, and deeply, I ran my nail against his neck, cutting it open. The blood fell freely, covering my hand.

I heard a distant scream from the house, and the sound of shifting behind me. My wolves were reacting to his blood….god, the power in it. I moved my wolf hand from his neck and held it behind me.

" Hunters," I called to the wolves Regan had assembled. One by one, they came to me, and licked my hand. Getting the taste, getting the scent. This was all they needed to find the Order.

I needed more.

I looked into Spike’s eyes. There was no fear, only desire. "Metallum aeternalis," I whispered to him. His eyes widened in surprise.

" Willow!" Faith cried out again.

My eyes went to his bleeding neck, then back to his eyes. This was going to fuck Angelus up, more than he would ever know. " Feed," I commanded.

" What?"

" Feed, from me. NOW," then, I latched my mouth to his neck. I pushed my tongue into his wound when his fangs descended on my neck. The magic, and power of our blood, mixed together. God, it felt so good. It was so long since I had fed from a being like this.

Then he was gone.

No, I was gone. On the ground, actually. Looking at a very pissed off Slayer.

" Buffy, NO!" someone screamed.

I growled.

" I won’t let you kill him."

Killing him was the last thing I wanted to do now. I rose to my feet, keeping all my attention on the Slayer. She was standing, ready to fight.

So was I.

I don’t know who hit first, quite possibly me. Didn’t matter, because all I knew was Buffy and I were fighting. Everyone else, including Spike, were screaming at the top of their lungs. I couldn’t control it… I couldn’t stop.

I was going to shift. I was going to kill Buffy. I WANTED to kill Buffy.

I kicked Buffy in the face, sending her staggering back.

" Protect her," I screamed to the wolves.

It took Buffy a full minute to realise just what I was saying. She was already coming towards me again, when the wolves moved in front of her. Blocking my path to her. I was NOT going to shift. I was NOT going to shift.

If I did, everyone was dead.

" Get the humans away from me!" I growled. God, please! Don’t let me shift! My body was trembling, pain was shooting through me. Fighting the change always hurt… This was torture. I let out a loud, agonising scream.

I needed blood… I needed to kill… I needed to kill…

Oh god, I needed to get away from humans…I was in the middle of fucking suburbia. Happy Meal central.

I turned, and ran.

I called on my wolf as I ran, not to shift, but to give me its speed. Buffy wouldn’t be able to catch me, not without a car. My wolves wouldn’t come after me… Not until they were sure I wasn’t going to go back and kill everyone there.

I really wanted to.

I kept running, tears falling as I did. I had no idea where I was going, or what I would do when I got there. I just needed to go somewhere where I knew no humans would go.

Crawford Street.

I changed direction and began heading to the mansion. It would give me some peace at least, when I was there. Angel had lived there…Angelus too, but I only had memories of Angel there.

I reached the mansion after what seemed like hours of running. It felt so strange being here. The last time I had been here, Angel had been dying. It had been the night Oz and I had made love for the first time. I was so innocent them…so human.

Wow, look at me now. I was an Alpha Werewolf who was slowly going insane. There was no other explanation. What would my life be like if I hadn’t gone on the vacation with Oz? Would we still be happily together? Would I have turned into the monster I was today? I doubted it. Back then, I was so innocent. Angel had been so beautiful, strong. I was in total awe of him, a little scared of him, but still in awe.

I wanted to turn back time, I wanted this nightmare to be over. I wanted Angel, and being here made it so much worse.

Everything here screamed Angel. Not so much the furniture, but just because this had been his home. The mansion looked almost identical to what I remembered, the large living room still scarcely furnished.

My body no longer ached to change…I had removed the temptation. God, what Buffy must think of me? Not just Buffy, but Xander? Dawn? Tara?

I would have killed them. I didn’t doubt it for a second. I couldn’t control my beast any more. I was a danger to everyone I loved. No longer did my friends need protection from my past….but they needed protection from me.

I was a monster.

I dropped to the ground, and cried.

~Part: Seven~

I hated these dreams…. The dreams you had, where you realised you were dreaming while you’re still…well, dreaming. The dreams that were so good, that you wanted nothing more than for it to continue forever.

I was dreaming of Angel.

He was here, holding me, telling me everything was all right. Asking me, no begging me, to tell him what was causing me so much pain. He said he felt my pain. He said my pain, and need, called to him.

He promised never to leave me.

Said he would never let anyone hurt me…ever again.

I snuggled closer to him. God, it felt so incredibly real. I never wanted to wake up. I wanted to sleep forever, just as long as we were together. I loved him.

He was telling me he loved me too.

He just needed to know who caused me so much pain, and he’d take care of it for me. I’d never have to worry about it any more. All I had to do, was tell him who he had to kill, and that I belonged to him.

Belonged to him?

"Tell me who hurt you, Willow, please?" he whispered into my ear, his cool hand rubbing gentle circles on my back.

Cool hands?

Wow, this must be like one of Buffy’s dreams. The kind of ‘wired for sound’ ones. That felt so real that… Oh god, what if this was a spell? Kane might have found a way to get Angelus in my dreams… If he got me to submit in his dreams, would it count?

No. Kane was never into that much power. Besides, if it was, Angelus would have painted the scene a little more romantic. In bed, satin sheets, possibly whipped cream involved… not on the floor of the mansion, half cradled in his arms, half of me on the cold stone floor.

A kiss on the side of my neck, licking the wound that Spike inflicted. "Tell me who did this to you, I promise they will never hurt you again."

This dream felt real.

Really real.

" I love you, Willow," he placed another kiss on my neck.

I could feel his saliva. I was beginning to feel uncomfortable with the realness of this dream, and with the way my mind was working. Coherent thoughts during dreams… Thoughts THIS coherent wasn’t usually my style.

Cool hand stroking my hair, touching my lips, my cheek, my neck.

Fuck.

My heart slammed into my chest, pounding furiously, the air filled with the scent of fear, and need.

Please God… No!

"Shh, it’s all right. You’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you ever again," there was another kiss. "I promise. Don’t be afraid. You’re safe."

This wasn’t a dream.

I wasn’t even able to move away from him. He knew the second I realised what was happening and tightened his hold on me. Oh my god! This couldn’t be happening! How long was I asleep for? Where was Faith? Gunn? How did he find me here?

Powers! I beg you! Please let THIS be the dream. Please…oh god…please. He couldn’t have found me this soon….he couldn’t….oh god. Daniel! Get your wolf ass here NOW! Oh god, how did the fucking amulet he gave me work? Think, Rosenberg, think! There was a spell, ritual…words that could invoke the power of the Elders.

Anything! Anyone! Help me!

" Don’t fight me, Willow."

Don’t fight? Oh sure. Gonna give up easy to you, because you’re an EVIL VAMPIRE!!!!

" Angel?" I whispered. It was a small, really small hope, that maybe Wes found a curse. Maybe this was Angel. Of course, I was deluding myself, but I had to hold onto something.

He pushed the hair out of my face, so he could look into my eyes.

I got my answer.

Angelus. " How did you find me?"

He continued to stroke my hair. "An eye for an eye, Willow? You knew I would figure it out."

" What are you going to do to me?" I hated that I sounded so frightened. I also hated that I wasn’t fighting him any harder than I was, but I couldn’t fight him. Not yet, I had to wait till I had the perfect opportunity to get away.

Angelus was smart. I’d only get one chance of getting away. If I was lucky. Thank god we were still at the mansion, if he had me somewhere else, I’d be having a hard time getting away. At least now my wolves could hunt me when I didn’t show up. It was still dark outside, and I couldn’t smell the sunrise. I guessed it to be around midnight, maybe a little later.

I left Buffy’s after six, so I must have been asleep for a few hours. My pack won’t search for me yet, possibly not till morning. Oh god I was so stupid. Why didn’t I bring along pack members I was bonded to? None of the others will find me quick enough.

Unless Spike figured out what I did to him, and tracked me through the connection we now had. I doubted he would though. I couldn’t sense him, which meant the magic, or power, hadn’t awoken fully yet.

"Nothing."

"What?"

Angelus leaned down and kissed me gently on the lips. " I’m not going to do anything to you. I don’t want to hurt you, Willow. I never did."

Oh yeah, sure!

I felt his hand on the side of my neck, on the bite Spike gave me. " Who bit you Willow? How did you let a vampire get so close to you?"

His hand moved lover, to my breast. Oh god… I couldn’t deal with him touching me. Not with the way I was feeling, the way I was needing him so much. I moaned.

" Willow," his voice was a bit harsher this time. He was losing patience.

I frowned. He couldn’t smell Spike on me, nor could he tell that it was his bite. Interesting. Angelus would not be sitting here if he knew Spike had bit me, and I wouldn’t be breathing, if he knew I let him. " I was upset," I lied. "I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing. It caught me by surprise."

It must have something to do with the speed of my healing. It would make the mark almost impossible to read.

God, the way he was looking at me, the concern in his eyes, he reminded me so much of Angel. " What did he look like?"

Bleach blonde, blue eyes. Goes by the name of Spike. Totally hot. " Dust."

Oh that felt good…hmm…oh…

" You killed him?"

I closed my eyes as his other hand moved to my breast. " Yes," my voice was breathless, the smell of my arousal filled the room. I wanted him so badly. Why wasn’t he killing me? Or at least going completely ape? Beating the shit out of me? I did say I was going to fuck someone else….oh. OH. He would have smelled it if I did.

Guess he realised I was bluffing.

I pulled away from him, this time…he let me go. All right, this was freaky. I sniffed the air. No one. I couldn’t smell any other beings, supernatural or otherwise.

He came here alone.

" You’re alone," I couldn’t understand it. If he wanted to hurt me, he would have brought Kane, but he was here on his own. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt me. So far he hadn’t done anything but….

Make me feel loved.

He nodded. " I thought I could convince you that I don’t want to fight, that all I want is for us to be together. We don’t really have to go to war do we? I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to hurt any more of your wolves."

Was he serious? He looked serious. I couldn’t smell a lie, but then, all I could smell was my need and his. And it was almost crippling. Did he even realise he was doing it? That he was sending out his call? He was calling me to him, calling me to mate with him.

I wanted to mate with him. I wanted to throw him on the ground and make love to him until the two of us couldn’t move.

Angelus reached over and touched my knee, the gesture causing both of us to moan. We needed each other….regardless of our situation. He knew that, and he knew this nice act was making it harder for me to see him for what he was.

A monster.

Just like me. So what did it matter if I allowed him to touch me? To make me forget everything? We were both killers, both animals. We needed this….I needed this.

" I want you," he growled and kissed me.

I kissed him back.

I didn’t want to remember what I had almost done to Buffy, I didn’t want to see their faces to know I was a monster. I was tired of fighting. Tired of fighting my own desires, tired of fighting my need for Angelus.

I surprised us both by pushing him onto the ground, and straddling his hips. He smiled lecherously at me. " I knew you’d never deny me."

He was right, I would never deny him this. I wanted it too much. I ripped off his shirt as I devoured his mouth, my tongue invading it. Tasting everything. I needed him so badly that I didn’t think I would be able to stand it.

I was going insane with need.

His hands were ripping at my clothes, as mine were at his. It didn’t take him long to divest me of them, and take me. He made love to me. There was no violence, no pain, in the way he touched me. Only need and love.

I had never felt anything so incredible in my life. It was…oh god, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so loved or cherished. Was he deliberately doing this to make it harder for me to fight him? I didn’t care…all I wanted was for it to go on forever.

And it felt like it did. I have no idea how long he made love to me, or how many times. All I know was that he had me screaming, and never once was it in pain.

Exhaustion led us to both snuggling on the floor, in front of the fire I never noticed before. How could I not notice this? Maybe it was a dream. The Angelus I knew would never seduce me like this…. Or would he? How well did I really know Angelus?

I closed my eyes. Dawn wasn’t far away, and hours of making love had made me tired. I knew I needed to get away, but right now, I didn’t think I ever I could. I was confused. Both by my actions, and by his. I knew part of the reason I gave in, was because of what happened with Buffy. I was scared that none of them would love me any more. Angelus’ compassion was something I was yearning for.

Angelus mumbled something in my ear.

"What?"

"You belong to me, only me," he repeated his previous words. " Say it."

Reality just had to come crashing down, didn’t it? I had forgotten the earlier part of my ‘dream’. The part where he said it would all end…as long as I just said I belonged to him.

Translation; all I had to do was submit.

The gentle stroking of my hair began to slow. "Willow, say you belong to me."

I was such an idiot. I had to give him credit, he didn’t ask me in the middle of an orgasm. "No."

His hand tightened on the back of my neck. " Willow…"

" I will never belong to a vampire, " I let out a small cry as he yanked my hair, pulling my head right back.

His eyes no longer held the warmth they had hours ago. THIS was the Angelus I knew and didn’t love. Oh god, what had I done? I fucked, several time, the man who tortured my childe. Who would gladly torture and kill ALL of my wolves.

I betrayed Joseph.

I understood it all now. When I hadn’t given in during the first attack, he went after Joseph. When that failed, he tried seduction. He tried to seduce me into submission. A willing submission.

I so didn’t want to think about what that meant.

" Willow, who do you belong to? Say it…otherwise I’ll have to hurt you. I really don’t want to do that," he warned me. " Do you want me to start on Wesley next?"

So not the thing to say. If he thought threatening Wes was going to get me to give in, then he was kidding himself. All it did was give my wolf enough motivation, and speed, to strike back.

I scratched his face and scrambled away from him. The attack giving me an opportunity to move away. Not enough to get away, but enough that I wasn’t in his arms any more.

" I will never submit to you, Angelus. I’ll never submit to Angel. You can fuck me into oblivion," didn’t sound like a bad way to go. " I will still declare my loyalty to my kin."

I sounded calm, and confident. But I was scared. Really scared. I flooded my bonds with a call…a sort of S.O.S. The ‘get me the fuck out of here’ S.O.S. This was so bad. My wolves would act on it immediately, and when they got here….they’d want to know why I didn’t call hours ago. When he first showed up.

How was I going to tell them I stayed willingly? That I let him touch me? That I ripped his clothes off first?

Angelus growled.

Crap. He felt the pack magic, which I didn’t think he would….actually he shouldn’t have been able to. I really had to learn how to focus, this was not the time to worry about why he felt the call I sent to my wolves. All that mattered was that he did.

And I still had to wait for them to call Faith and Gunn.

He lunged towards me and I jumped slightly out of his reach. Not one to waste an opportunity, I executed a perfect roundhouse kick, knocking him to the ground. It didn’t take him long to recover, then he hit me.

Hard.

I flew across the room, crashing into the wall. Damn, he was powerful. This was so much worse than back at the hotel. I got back on my feet, wincing in pain.

" You know," I began, ducking his punch. " I really enjoy fighting naked."

He chucked, but it faded when I kicked him in the balls. Hey, it wasn’t a fair fight. He was far stronger than me…I had to take what I could get. Wasn’t that how Buffy’s first fight with Angelus went?

Now was not the time to think about Buffy.

He doubled over, so I finished it by kneeing him in the face. Gave me a little time to run, get the fuck out of there. There was only a half an hour until dawn, so he couldn’t follow me….fuck.

" Gotcha."

Like it was going to be that easy. I struggled, trying to push him off me, but all I did was manage to do was give him a better grip on me. I was pinned to the floor, his body on top of me.

" So you like it a little rough huh?"

My blood ran cold. Why did I get the feeling the loving and caring Angelus was a thing of the past? He was going to get me to submit, or die trying.

Gee, positive thinking was really my strong suit.

" Fuck you," I admit, that was not a smart thing to say.

He leered at me. " If you really want to…you can. I’ll make love to you, for hours, again. All you have to do is say you belong to me. I’ll make you scream again."

He leaned down and kissed me. This time I did not participate.

" Who do you belong to, Willow? One more chance, or the pain will start."

I looked him in the eye. If I submitted now, it would be all over. I’d lose my pack, possibly Joseph will take it over, and then they’d hunt us both down. The Elders would become involved, and if I was lucky, I’d be dead before they found me.

Betraying my kin was punishable by death.

A long, slow, painful death. We heal quickly, me especially, so my death could take weeks.

So…it was being killed by Angelus, which I KNEW would take weeks, or death by the Elders. I always have the easy choices.

" I belong to the Elders," the air in the room seemed to thicken as I said the words. I didn’t pay too much attention to it though, all I needed to do was survive this.

" No, you don’t. You belong to me, you’re mine," his face morphed into his demon, and he bit me.

Painfully.

I was so fucking dead.

He pulled away from me suddenly, moving off me as though my blood was holy water. He looked horrified. No, not horrified. Angry. He was furious. I was surprised he wasn’t going to self combust from his fury.

" Spike!" he spat the name at me.

Oops.

" You called mate?" Spike was standing in the doorway.

Angelus roared with fury, running towards Spike.

" Red, are you all right?" Faith was next to me, she looked panicked. My neck was bleeding from the way Angelus ripped his fangs away.

I nodded, and ran towards Spike and Angel, who were fighting. Spike punched Angelus, sending him staggering towards me. I punched him, sending him back to Spike.

How was that for team work?

Faith was moving in too, as was Gunn. Both of them flanked me, I think they were making sure Angelus didn’t kill me.

" What the hell did you do to her?" Spike roared with his own fury.

Angelus stopped his attack on Spike, and smiled. " Everything she wanted me to."

Damn. " Shut up!" I screamed.

" Oh come on, Willow! You ashamed because you screwed me into the ground? She was amazing Spike."

Gunn raised the crossbow at him. " Bastard."

He chuckled. " I was a little worried about myself actually, I didn’t think Willow was going to control herself. She was the first to make the move, after all. She ripped my clothes off."

I cringed.

All eyes were on me now. That wasn’t the worst part. Worst part was that he and I were both still naked.

I don’t know why I thought my life sucked!

I heard the sound of a crossbow firing from behind me. I spun around to see Xander standing there. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so furious. Well, at least everyone was pissed.

" Don’t you dare speak about her like that," Xander warned him as he loaded another bolt.

I felt completely and utterly humiliated. It was obvious from my lack of bruising, and the lack of wounds on Angelus, that what he was saying was true. Tears filed my eyes. This was too much.

" Xander! Here to be Willow’s white knight?" Angelus was moving away from all of us. " God, this must really kill you. First Buffy, now Willow. How does it feel? To know I’ve fucked all the women you loved. Except Cordy…and I can arrange that."

Another shot from the crossbow, which Angelus dodged easily. He was moving to one of the back entrances to the mansion. He knew he had lost, though I don’t know how that was exactly.

" I’m going to dance on your grave," Xander told him.

I reached over and grabbed Gunn’s crossbow, aimed it and fired. But it was too late. He was gone. Angelus had done what he had wanted to.

He destroyed me.

Everyone moved around me. Trying to comfort me, but I pushed them away. I didn’t want any of them near me. I didn’t want them to know the truth.

That I really was a monster now.

~Part: Eight~

"Do you know this is the first time I’ve been in your apartment?" I don’t think I’ve ever seen Xander so scared. He had no idea what to do, or why I wanted it to be just us. Was he scared I’d snap again? Or was he afraid I’d try to kill myself again?

It had taken a lot of convincing, and threatening, but they finally agreed to let me spend the day at Xander’s apartment. I knew they thought I had finally lost my mind, the way Faith had been staring at me, left me with no doubt.

Red had REALLY gone rogue this time.

Spike and Gunn would heal from my attack. Neither one of them had been hurt badly, it was more a frenzied grief attack, as opposed to the attack on Buffy last night. I attacked them in human form, so Gunn wasn’t infected. I just wanted to be alone with Xander, and that was it.

I didn’t want anything supernatural near me today.

I wanted a day off. Just one day. Not even a full day, just eight hours. Just eight hours to work out if I had really gone insane, because I felt like I had. No wolves were allowed near me, no calls, no use of the bonds…nothing.

My wolf had even gone…well to sleep, basically.

Xander had sworn he wouldn’t leave alone. At all. What had happened to me, had caused quite a stir, in ways I never expected. Apparently my call for help had been heard by the Elders. I have no fucking idea how it happened, nor was I really caring, but when I sent the S.O.S. the Elders had felt it.

They weren’t sending armies or anything, but apparently I was going to get a few of their personal guard in the wolves Daniel was bringing here. They knew where I was, and that Xander was with me. They telephoned here half an hour after Faith and the gang left. Well, Luke called here to speak to Xander. I don’t know what Luke told him, but Xander seemed a little strange after the phone call. I think maybe one of the Elders had been there with Luke and had a word to Xander, the way he spoke into the phone at the end of the call, was different to the way he had spoken to Luke.

Poor Xander. In my downward spiral, I had taken him with me. I don’t know why they didn’t just send assassins and kill me. I had asked Xander the same question, but he went so pale, I told him not to worry about it.

"Do you like it?" Xander asked me, in response to my comment. I wondered what the Elder had said to him… Or which one it had been? I hadn’t spoken to an Elder before, did Xander know it was an honour?

I leaned back into him, my head on his chest. "It’s great," I really liked it. "Especially the bath."

It was where we were now. Xander was really taking the ‘do not leave her alone’ thing serious. He surprised the hell out of me when he got into the bath with me. Not that I minded, I liked the comfort I was getting.

"So, what did you want to do today?" he asked as though this was a normal Saturday, and he and I were working out what we wanted to do. Just like it had been in high school.

Minus us in a bath.

We had until nightfall. Then, my wolves were coming for me. But until then, I was his Willow. "Talk."

He moved his head so he could see my face. "Talk?"

I know. It was the last thing he expected. But I wanted to talk like we used to, about everything and nothing. I wanted to hear everyone of his dumb jokes, his heartbreaks, his girlfriends…I wanted to know Xander again.

"Tell me about your job, your apartment, we can talk about high school," I hoped he liked the idea.

The blinding smile he gave me, told me he did. "I’d love that Will," his eyes filled with tears. "God I’ve missed you."

I was crying myself now. "I missed you too, Xander."

We held each other for a little while, then got out of the bath. He seemed only slightly embarrassed about me seeing him naked, and it suddenly occurred to me that this was a deliberate act. He wasn’t trying hit on me, or anything.

He was meeting me on my terms.

He was doing what he thought a wolf would do. Now I was full of questions. How did he know I bathed with my wolves? Or that I liked affection? We never really talked that much when he was in LA, so he wouldn’t have found out then.

Unless he had been talking to my wolves.

It was a possibility, but I wasn’t sure exactly why Xander would talk to my wolves….not about this sort of stuff? Or why they would tell him?

We walked into the lounge room. Again I was reminded of how much of his life I had missed out on. I knew next to nothing about him, and he knew next to nothing about me. Would he still want to be here if he knew I killed a lot of…

Oh. He already knew. He knew I killed a lot of wolves, yet here he was with me. I had to relax. Today was about forgetting death, not obsessing about it. He walked into the living room holding a bowl of popcorn.

It was eight in the morning!

I reached in and grabbed a handful, popping in into my mouth. "So, are you dating anyone?"

He sat next to me, well, practically on me. Again with the werewolf acting? What was going on in that confused mind of his? Was this a show of support? Telling me that he was cool with me being a werewolf, or was it something more?

I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.

"I was dating Anya for a while," he played with my shirt. "We broke up because I wouldn’t get over you."

Over me? "I’m sorry."

He ignored my apology. "God, Wills, it was so hard without you. Nothing was the same. Buffy blamed herself. She became scary when you didn’t come back. I don’t think I’ve ever seen demons go out of their way to avoid a slayer before. She wouldn’t let me patrol with her, she wouldn’t even let Giles help. She shut herself off from the rest of us. The first year of college, we hardly saw her. She didn’t want us to slay with her, she just wanted us safe. At the time I thought she blamed me for you leaving, but I think she was distancing herself, so when I left… She didn’t want to hurt if I died."

"Giles took it badly as well. He never said anything, but I think he regretted letting us help Buffy. You were his daughter Wills," he continued, "we may not have been blood, but we were his kids. I expected him to stop me helping him, but it was the opposite. When my parents forced me to move into the basement, Giles offered me a place to stay in his apartment. We were lost. Buffy was doing her best at being normal, while we had nothing. I couldn’t keep down a job, Giles was unemployed, no Slayer. So we kind of relied on each other, Joyce, and Dawn. We knew that Buffy would come back to us, eventually. "

I really didn’t want to hear this.

He went on to tell me about Buffy’s involvement with Riley, and the Initiative. This was the part of their lives that I missed out on. My wolves weren’t allowed in Sunnydale while the Initiative were around. It was why I missed out seeing Tara for the first time. "I met Tara when the Gentlemen came to town," he laughed at the memory. "I was patrolling with Buffy, when we got split up. I saw the Gentlemen follow her into one of the dorms. I went after her."

I was impressed. "Was that when you found out she was a witch?"

The pain in his eyes was unbearable. "She used magic to stop them from getting us. We became friends straight after, she started showing up to Scooby meetings. She filled a void that was missing in all of us. We never would have defeated Adam if we hadn’t."

Ouch. "Adam?"

He explained exactly what the Initiative was all about, and I was stunned. How could Buffy be involved with something like that? Again, who was I to throw stones? He then told me about Glory. THAT I did know. My wolves couldn’t get involved directly but we did try to keep the demon population from over flowing.

Now we were at the hard part. Buffy’s death. "I don’t know if it was because we’d already gone through so much pain losing you, but Buffy’s death didn’t seem to hurt as much as I thought it would. I guess it was the finality of it. There was no wondering with Buffy, we knew she was dead, and there was nothing we could do to bring her back," he snorted. "One day she was dead, the next she was here. I thought I had lost it when I saw her. It’s funny when you think about it. The one person I didn’t expect to come back, did. The one I was hoping to come back, didn’t."

Again, ouch! The rest of the conversation lightened from there. I think Xander realised that his comments had hit home, like he had wanted them too. I didn’t blame him for his anger. It was well deserved.

"That’s some life," I had intended it to sound jokingly, but it came out wistful.

He nodded. "It’s been…different. And hard."

We were wrapped up in each other. Literally. It hadn’t been intentional, but it was easier being this close when either one of us started crying. "I’m sorry I wasn’t there for all of it."

"Why weren’t you?" the question was gentle.

"My life was too dangerous. I didn’t want you to get hurt," I laughed. "Worked out real well."

"It wasn’t your decision to make."

I tried to move away from him, but he held me tight. I didn’t expect Xander to confront me like this. I thought my insanity would keep him from doing something stupid. I could have broken out of his grasp, but he had every right to ask me this.

"I would have followed you Willow," he told me. "All you had to do was say the word, and I would have gone with you, Joseph, and Kane."

Now I knew he had been talking with my wolves.

"I still will."

Whoa! "Xander, you know the reason I never came back. You and Buffy would be either dead, or werewolves."

He gently rubbed my arms. "I have a little trouble with the dead part. I’m pretty attached to breathing, but I don’t have any trouble with the werewolf part."

I froze. "Xander, what do you mean by that?"

He didn’t mean what I think he did, did he? "I never told you or Buffy, but I remembered everything."

Huh?

" The Hyena possession, I never forgot. I just pretended I did," he admitted.

What did that have to do….oh.

Xander rested his head on top of mine. "I loved it, Will. I know it was wrong, but…god, the way I felt… I never forgot it, or forgot how good it made me feel."

I was getting a bad feeling about this. "Being a werewolf is not like a possession, Xander. It’s for life. It may look like good, nice…but, it can be very dangerous, and painful."

"Wesley seems to be adjusting to it pretty well, your other wolves don’t seem to mind it too much."

He wasn’t serious was he? "Xander, are you saying you want to be a werewolf?"

I could feel his heart pounding behind me. He wanted to be a werewolf. Oh god, why didn’t I see this earlier? "I miss you. I want to be apart of your life."

Ok, I could work with this. "That doesn’t mean you have to be a wolf, Xan. You can move to LA, live with us there. Faith, Cordy, Gunn, and Fred, they’re apart of us but are still human."

"It’s not the same, and you know it. I know how it looks, it looks like I just want to be a wolf to be near you, but it isn’t. I swear, it’s more than that," he tried to explain. "I want to feel it again, Wills. I want to be apart of that."

Shit. "You don’t know what you’re asking, you don’t know what its like."

"Isaac…."

I turned around so I was facing him. "Isaac? You’ve been talking to Isaac?" I was going to KILL him. Isaac, not Xander. "Xander, did you ask Isaac to infect you?"

Isaac was one of the lesser wolves in my pack. He had only bee a member for two and a half year, but he held great potential. He was also a great healer.

Xander wasn’t meeting my eyes. "I asked him."

Isaac was dead. He was deader than dead. Calm, Rosenberg, calm. So much for my normal day with Xander. "Did he infect you?"

"No."

Thank God! "Are you sleeping with him?" Isaac wasn’t partial to gender, nor was I. I didn’t mind the thought of them being together, but I minded the thought of them being so close, that Isaac might infect him because he was in love with him.

Xander blushed. "No! No! We’re just friends. I didn’t even know he was gay."

My heart was slowing down now. They were just friends, no doubt Isaac opened up to Xander because of who he was to me. "Did he say no outright? Or is he making you think about it?" Isaac was so not infecting my best friend.

"He said you’d kill him and, if I really wanted to, that I should ask you." Xander met my eyes now. "Willow, I want this. I want to be apart of your pack, I want to fight with you, and for you. Isaac told me what it’s like, how the bad it can be sometimes. Damn it, Will! I’m tired of being the only one who can’t help, who can’t protect you. I want to be apart of your pack!"

This was some strange alternate reality.

"Angelus will kill me. This way, I’ll have a better chance of living."

My heart stopped dead. That was low. "Xander, that is not a reason. You don’t know what you’re asking….I won’t infect you, and I forbid all wolves from doing the same. Who ever infects you will die."

But what he said made sense. Angelus would go after him. Angel was fully aware of the lengths I went to keep them all safe. Angelus would go after Xander because he meant as much to me, as Joseph did. Giles was also a target, he knew I thought of him as my father.

"All right," Xander pulled me closer to him. "I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to upset you. I’m sorry."

I was stunned. Completely and utterly stunned. Xander wanted to be a werewolf, he had asked someone to infect him! God, the thought filled me with terror, especially with everything happening. There were wolves out there, who didn’t give a damn about my laws. They’d infect Xander just to spite me.

There was also Daniel. Daniel thought being a wolf was an honour, and he could infect Xander. He didn’t fall under my laws. I’d never kill him, and he knew it. Oh god, this was so much worse than I thought. Wanting to be a werewolf, just when I was planning a war was so bad.

I wasn’t even going to bother to ask myself if life could get any worse, because it just did.

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