E-Mail: Lil.lotte@innocent.com
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel & Co. belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN and the WB Network. Any song lyrics are from Bette Midler's wonderful cd "Bette of Roses," 'cause it's a great CD for brooding. No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Willow deals with some problems.
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Willow sat sobbing on her bed as she wondered what had happened. Hastily scribbling in her journal, she struggled to rid herself of the images still flickering across her vision.
A tearstain marred the first words, but the rest of her writing remained legible. "...so nice, sweet... He came around the same time as he had every other night before, like when we were just friends, talking and laughing until I was sure my face would split... I don't even remember when things changed... Gods know I remember how... that one stupid kiss... I meant it as a joke! And of course, he saw through it, or at least saw what he wanted in it. I know I only meant it as a joke, and I was laughing, and it wasn't serious, and he shouldn't have kissed me back!! I was doing so good at hiding it! Figures all that they say about the best laid plans of mice and men. And damn, was I a mouse. Was! Ha! You know that much is a crock now, eh?
"Anyway. I haven't written in awhile. I haven't had much time! School, homework, research, and him! Always him at the end of the day... sometimes at the beginning! Course, it's still dark then, so technically it'd be night, but then again... Oh bother. The smoochies!! I should have been so embarrassed at the amount of time we spent with our arms wrapped around each other. But then, there goes the mouse! Oh, it was so nice... after we both caught our breath, well...anyway. We'd just lie there, all curled up... I can't imagine what my mother would say to that! First a musician, now secret rendezvous in my bedroom. But it was great. And we fit... what's the line from that song Buffy's always humming? "All alone two alley cats, curled up like a scarf and hat." I like that. We were. Just a neat little pair, although I can't imagine people hiding their scarves or hats... 'cause then they'd get cold. Anyway!
"It's strange writing... so used to typing. But it's nice, comforting. Takes more effort. I like that. More thinking. Less thinking of him is good. But I want this on record in any way, just in case. But there's the Hellmouth talking. Imagine a high schooler talking about having a will and final thoughts. But that's what it's come to. But I don't even consider trying to begin thinking about that when I'm with him! I'm safe. And I know I'm safe. As impossible as that sounds. I mean, he is, afterall... Well, back to the main story.
"It wasn't too long ago that things started getting...more... but it was a nice more. Not that sweaty, all too quick more everyone complains of. It was still sweet, but a really really *good* sweet. You know as well as I do that the mouse image didn't hold up in some cases, but even when he did the same stuff I've done... It was so different! So much more! I could use the cliches of fireworks and seeing God, but I don't know if I could make it come across as anything but a cliche, and that's not what I want it to sound like. The very fact that it was so wonderful just completely left me wide open for what happened last night... so out of the blue... "Okay, by now a person would be screaming at me to get on with it, but I still don't want to. Still hurts. We've had our fights before, but they never seemed so big, so crucial. I always forgave him, always, no matter what the hurt. 'Cause it was never really all that much before, y'kno? Compared... compared to this. I guess I'll be okay... I mean.. Okay. How long ago did I start telling this? But there needed to be a background. If anything happened... there needed to be a background. (Sure, Will. Keep stalling.) He came around the same time he had every other night before, but he brought flowers this time, a couple daisies. They were so pretty, all neatly trimmed and tied with a little black satin ribbon... Yeah, I'm fixating on details, and I suppose that means that I still love him... but. Okay. He said he picked 'em 'cause daisies are the only flower that are pretty in almost the same way as me. Delicate, he said, bright, happy. I guess so, yeah. Not happy now, but delicate. You think he'd remember that... but, okay. "We just sat and talked for awhile... played around on my computer at a few humor websites we'd found together... That was nice. Then we put the computer aside and just lay back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, holding hands, talking. It was so sweet... so peaceful... But then he moved, he moved on top of me...and started kissing me... and that's as forward as he'd ever been. He was always so nice... So I just kinda pushed him back a little, and told him I was enjoying the quiet, how we were, and he moved away, and sat at my desk. I was kinda confused, so I just sat up and watched him. He seemed kinda nervous, playing with my laptop, opening and closing it, like he was enjoying the clicks. Well, it was annoying me, so I gave him this look, and he just got all mad... He stood so quickly, I barely saw him move up, just sitting and STANDING all like that... He started ranting about how my innocence was just an act... he knew what... what..."you witches!" (that hurt) were like... and that I was only trying to enrage him, 'cause that's what I wanted... and I know it wasn't. I liked the closeness, the quiet, the gentle... and he grabbed me... pulled me against him, holding my arms so tightly to my sides... they still hurt a little... Then he threw me on the bed. He's so strong, so strong... And he knew he was hurting me. Had to know. He had... crawled onto the bed... his face pressed up against mine. I was so terrified... I might have been crying... then he just seemed to collapse in on himself... He'd never been like that before, and it was so sudden, but it was gone so suddenly too! Then *he* started crying, apologizing, begging... I could only just hug him.. it was all I knew how to do. I didn't understand the tantrum and I certainly didn't understand this. But he promised he'd never let himself get like that again. That it was a Hellmouth thing, that it was a feeding thing, that he couldn't control what was inside him...but he didn't mean it. He swore he didn't mean it.
"And I believed him. He seemed so sad, so genuinely upset that he'd hurt me... we both spent the rest of the night crying... and I still haven't stopped much. But I believe him. I know he didn't mean it. He never means it, his little rages... this was the worst, I know, but that only means it can't get worse, that it'll be alright after this. 'Cause he loves me. I know it. And I love him and that works.
"Oh. I hear somebody knocking at the door. I'm sure they're all worried, why I didn't go to school. I never do that. Well, the mouse never did. I'm not the mouse anymore. I'm strong, cause he's making me strong. See? It's a good thing..."
Willow tugged on a long sleeved shirt to cover the bruises that had formed on her forearms and padded downstairs to answer the knocking. Buffy had brought over her work for the day, a note from Giles about an impending prophecy, and her latest favorite cd to make Willow feel better. Returning to her room after assuring the Slayer of her wellness, Willow put the cd on and fell across her bed, closing up her journal and returning it to its hiding spot. She continued tidying up her room for Angel's visit that night, humming along the the randomly chosen song.
"You hurt me so much, but I love you forever,
'cause when you tear me up you always put
me back together,
ever so gently... ever so gently...
Baby, let this be the last time..."
The End