E-mail: lucindasiverling@hotmail.com
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~Part: 5~ Emotional Turmoil
Willow was extremely confused. Her admirer was Angelus? Soulless, dangerous Angelus that had been Buffy's boyfriend. Logically, he was dangerous and she should stay far away from him. From another perspective, Buffy was one of the few friends that she had ever had, wasn't it bad form to go after your best female friend's ex boyfriend? Did the rules change when said ex boyfriend was a vampire? How about if they had broke up because the blonde had made the vampire loose his soul? Angelus had a long and colorful history recorded in the Watcher's Diaries of either killing, torturing into insanity or turning all the women he'd been involved with, the sole exception being his sire Darla, who had done all of that to him.
Reasonably, based on all of that, she should be packing a bag and running for the East coast about now.
On the other hand, he was interested in her, which was something that had never happened before. She had never had someone wanting her. He had given her thoughtful and beautiful gifts, none of which seemed to show an inclination towards driving her insane. He was incredibly sexy, which was nice, but not really a sign of reassurance. When he had kissed her, it had been the most amazing and wonderful feeling she had ever experienced. He had listened to her last night, giving her his full attention when she explained the danger. She could count on one hand the number of times that she'd had anyone's full attention. He made her feel desirable and attractive.
Based on that, she should grab him tightly and never let go.
The problem was, both arguements were strong. She could make long lists both for and against a relationship with Angelus. Actually, she had already done that, and then burned the papers so that nobody could find them. The idea of someone knowing that she was even considering the idea of getting involved with Angelus... well, that would depend on who knew. Her parents wouldn't know who he was enough to care, but 'history of murder/torture' probably wouldn't make them happy. Xander would have a complete fit.
The only other person that might have found them would be, well, possibly Angelus or Buffy. Angelus already knew, and Buffy.. oh, god, Buffy would have the world's biggest fit. She would rant, and scream, and point out his long long list of horrible things that he had done, and she would insist that he was evil and dangerous, and there just might be the guilt trip of how could you even consider dating my boyfriend.
The very thought of her friends finding the list had garauteed that the papers had to be destroyed immediately. She still hadn't done more than give her confused thoughts a bit more focus, so Willow decded to walk for a bit. Even if the fresh air didn't give her a solution, it would probably do her some good.
~~~*~~~
Willow had walked to the public library and returned some books, and had then continued walking. She had found herself at one of the parks, meandering along a hiking trail. Her thoughts had been on the vampires around her. She had continued her mental argument about dating Angelus. The rest of his family had also found their way into her thoughts. She found herself curious about the histories of his Sire Darla, the Master, and his childer, wanting to know more about them.
She had found herself liking Spike when she had talked to the the vampires last night. He was a quick thinker, and he'd flirted a little bit with her, but it had been clear to everyone that he was mostly teasing her by it. Willow had found him interesting and likable. She hadn't met Dru, although she knew a bit about he dark haired vampiress.
She felt like she stood in a doorway, looking in on a family. Part of her wanted to run, fearful of this group of bloodthirsy demons. Another part of her longed to be so accepted, to have a family that would be there forever. They didn't have to worry about how the world viewed them, they were just who they wanted to be.
"Now, luv, you do realize that it's not safe out alone after dark in this town?" Spike's voice interrupted Willow's thoughts.
She jumped a bit from surprise, and turned to face the blonde vampire. "Yeah, might run into a vampire or something. I just needed to try to sort out my thoughts. Everything seems all confused now."
Both of them walked along the path, considering the situation. After a bit, there was a open area, with a few benches. They sat down on one of the benches. Spike had figured out a bit more about what was going on than Angelus had realized. He knew that Angelus wanted Willow, not for a temporary diversion, but as his mate. Which would make her something like his new mother, and therefore family. Best to be on decent terms with your new family.
"So, what's got you all twisted up, Red?" Spike decided to open the discussion.
"Angelus." Her reply made perfect sense to him. "I keep trying to figure out if a relationship with him would be a good thing or a bad thing, and I'm only thinking myself in circles. Plus, there's the whole thing about this that it might not be an option anymore. He seems pretty determined, and he's not used to taking no for an answer."
"Do you really want to say no? Turn him down and try to walk away?" Spike was interested in her answer. He was sure that Angelus had set something in motion with the pendant he had gave Willow, the pendant she was wearing right now. He wasn't certain that Willow could walk away from this now, even if she wanted.
Willow sat there, turning her thoughts over in her head. "No. He makes me feel... I want to have someone in my life that wants me. But, the whole idea makes me really nervous. I've read about his past. Most of his exes are either dead, turned or insane. I don't like the sound of those options. Then there's the whole Buffy'd probably kill me thing. He's not Angel now, but Buffy's still hung up on him. She still refers to him as her boyfriend."
She looked up at Spike. "I'm terrified by some of the stuff I've read, and I don't want some of that to happen to me. But the idea of spending my whole life alone and miserable is pretty unappealing as well. Does that make any sense?"
Spike grinned at her. "Makes perfect sense to me. Relax, he doesn't plan on leaving your broken body for the slayer, or driving you mad. He wants you to be his, forever. You'll be okay." He leaned over, and kissed her on the cheek, and whispered something into her ear. "Don't worry mum, you ever need anything, I'll be here for you."
Spike sauntered away, hoping that he was able to help Willow sort out a few of her thoughts. Smiling slightly, Willow decided that Spike was right, it was dangeous out alone. She left the park to go home and work on a history paper. Neiter one of them noticed Xander and Cordelia across the park, staring at the departing pair in horrified shock.
~~~*~~~
Willow made her way into class, not noticing the way that Xander was glaring at her. She had given a bit more thought to Angelus, and also to her talk with Spike. Spike had promised to be there if she ever needed him. Angelus hadn't offered her any harm, and Spike had said that there wasn't any planned. Oddly enough, she trusted Spike on this.
She wanted someone to love her. Everyone else felt free to pursue relationships with whoever they wanted, regardless of the opinions of others, why shouldn't she have that same freedom? She didn't see any reason not to date Angelus if that was what she wanted. She felt almost as if she were connected to him anyhow.
Buffy, Xander and Cordelia were in the library after school, having arrived a bit before Willow. Giles had asked them to help try to get information about a group of demons that he thought might be headed towards Sunnydale.
"How long Willow?" Xander's question and harsh glare caught Willow completely by surprise.
She had no idea what he could be talking about. How long what? He made no sense, and Buffy and Cordelia were glaring at her as well. They had matching looks of outrage. Giles was off in the stacks, gathering books. "What are you talking about, Xander? How long what?"
Cordelia spoke, her words coated with venom. "How long have you been seeing Spike? How long have you been dating the guy trying to kill us all? How long have you been decieving us all?"
Willow's eyes widened in surprise at the accusation. Spike? She wasn't dating Spike, they had only... "Why do you think I'm dating Spike, because that's so bizarre."
Buffy glared at Willow. "Xander saw you in the park last night. He said you were sitting with Spike, and that Spike kissed you. So, we know all about your secret affair with the enemy. How long?"
Giles walked over, carrying an armload of books. He frowned, there was something odd about Willow's necklace. Then, he heard Buffy's angry words. "What! Willow, are you involved with Spike?"
Xander was still scowling. "She was talking with him in the park last night. Deadboy Junior kissed her, and they seemed awfully close."
Willow blinked, pondering the implications of Xander having witnessed that discussion. He apparently hadn't heard what they were actually saying, but the idea of her and Spike dating.... While absurd, it was still getting Willow into a lot of trouble. She looked right into the eyes of the only calm person in the room. "Giles, I promise you that I am not dating Spike. I'm not having sex with him, I'm not giving him information."
Seeing that Giles believed her, Willow felt a bit better. Xander, Cordelia and Buffy were still outraged, and furious over her imagined betrayal. Sighing, Willow left the library. She might as well go home instead of staying here.