E-Mail: magswlburn@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel & Co. belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, UPN and the WB Network. No copyright infringement intended.Summary: Reflections on why things are the way they are.
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I
don't like to think about it, but it's all I think about. There's nothing
I could have done except die with her. But knowing that doesn't help the
pain, fear, or anger go away, it just helps me feel that much weaker.
I saw my best friend die. I heard her screams as they tortured her. I still hear her screams. They carry on the wind when it's quiet and they echo in the crowds when it's noisy. They are always there, haunting me.
When I close my eyes I see her. I see her in the last moments of her life. As she slowly died, the pain she was in showed so clear on her face. I see the blood that was surrounding her, that covered her beaten and broken body. I can still smell it and feel it on my hands from when I held her. I feel like I'm going to be sick whenever I remember her then. But the lack of food and the exhaustion won't let me. Nightmares about how she died plague me as I try to sleep. Now I can only rest for a few hours a day. I've lost the will to eat. Food has become tasteless and weighs heavily in my stomach.
I remember hearing myself say soothing words. My voice was low, reassuring her that it would be all right. Words I didn't believe. Words I knew were false. I think sometimes that I could have done something, should have done something instead of sitting there watching her slip away. Watching her die. The guilt threatened to tear me apart and it would have if it hadn't been for him. He saved me from the hell I was living in after her death, after my escape.
He says there was nothing I could have done. I know he would never lie to me but I feel like I failed her. He wasn't there, he didn't see what I saw. He didn't watch as she became a shell of herself in the end. He didn't see the fire and passion that used to always be in her eyes disappear as her life faded.
Maybe if I would have gotten to her sooner. Or if I would have gotten some help. If I tried harder to stop the bleeding. Maybe then she would still be here. Sometimes I know that there was nothing I could have done. That she had lost too much blood; that she was already too far gone. I know that it was a good thing that she didn't die alone, and that I was there to help her at the end. Even though I know that, it doesn't ease the pain I feel.
I know that all the things he tells me are true. That I have to let go of the pain and guilt before it destroys me. I'm trying, but it's so hard. Nothing will ever bring her back. No one will ever fill the place she left in our lives and I don't ever want anyone to. She was the one who saved the world, who fought the darkness and evil. I was just a friend, a helper at most. But she was the one that died; I was the one that survived. And I feel so guilty, I feel like I betrayed her when I walked out of that cave while her lifeless body was carried out.
I feel even worse now because not only am I alive but I have fallen in love with the love of her life. And he has fallen in love with me. I know that she would have wanted me to survive any way I could. And without him, I would have let myself get swallowed up in the despair and guilt. He helped me through so much. He got me through the worst time in my life. He stood by me when I felt so lost and alone. When I felt myself losing control. He was and is my savior. My Angel.
He tells me she would have wanted us to be happy. That she would have wanted him to have someone that loves him as much as she did. Someone that would stand by him through it all. He tells me that she would have wanted someone who would love me for everything I am. Someone to take care of me, to protect me. He tells me that she would have wanted only the best for me, and to her that was him.
I agree with him completely but for some reason I don't think she would have wanted us to turn to each other for all those things. And that only makes me feel worse.
As time goes by I am learning to stop crying for what might have been, and for what should have been. Now I'm trying to survive in what is, with his help. I know I can't do it alone. However, I am sure that with Angel by my side I will be able to make it through this time. I will... we will be able to survive anything as long as we stay together, Angel and I.
The End