DISTRIBUTION: Just keep my name attached
SPOILERS: GRADUATION PT. 2
RATING: PG
CONTENT: Willow/Angel, short vignette from Willow's POV
SUMMARY: Willow's thoughts as she watches over Angel
DISCLAIMER: If they were mine, why would I still be writing fanfic? I'd be on a beach somewhere with Spike and Angelus serving me drinks with little umbrellas in them (the drinks, not Spike and Angelus). Joss owns 'em, not me.
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Sometimes I wonder if Xander ever knew I heard him; I mean, heard his confession. I'd woken up long before I even opened my eyes; I heard him tell me he loved me. I was so angry, angry at him for finally noticing me after I'd found Oz, angry that it took me almost dying for him to admit his feelings. I wanted him to feel as hurt as I had been countless times before. So after he said those three words, I pretended to wake up and instead of saying his name like he'd expected, I'd called out for Oz. When I finally opened my eyes I saw the pain in his, and it made me happier than anything before or since.
But I never dreamed one day the tables would turn on me.
I'm sitting here in Angel's bedroom, watching him sleep fitfully, knowing that somewhere out there, Buffy's killing someone to save him. I wish sometimes that I had her powers, so that I could have Angel, but then I think about Oz, and I try to block out Angel from my mind. It never works though. Even when Oz and I....made love, Angel was there in my mind. And in my mind, it was his name I shouted.
He rolls over onto his back fitfully, and I watch as his face creases in pain. I long to reach out and touch him, comfort him. But that's not my job. It's Buffy's. It's always Buffy's goddamn job.
He opens his eyes then and stares up at me; my heart jumps into my throat at the desire there. There's a voice in the back of my mind screaming at me that it's Buffy he wants, but then there's a voice in the front of my mind shouting that it's me, all me.
"You’re awake," I state, hoping I don't sound as breathless as I feel.
"Have you been watching over me?" he asks, and I nod. He takes my hand gentle and brings it to his lips, and suddenly both voices in my head are screaming YES! GOD, YES! I've wanted this for so long, but then my voice of reason comes down from it's high and tells me things I don't want to hear.
"Well, we've been taking turns," I reply, shaking because I know it's not me he's seeing.
"I thought...I thought I would never see you again. I can’t leave you. I was wrong. I need you." At those words, my voice of reason is proven right, and I fight to hold back the tears. Gods, is this how Xander felt? I pull my hand away slowly, savoring the first and last touch between us when it wasn't a life or death situation. I'm defeated, deflated, and a whole bunch of other de words.
"No. You mean you need Buffy." I hate saying those words. I'm starting to hate hearing her name. I'm starting to hate her. When she told he was leaving her, I tried to be sympathetic, but all of my inner voices were celebrating. After all, if I couldn't have him, why should she? I was evil in that moment, reveling in Buffy's pain and closer to my leather-clad double than ever before. It scared me.
"Willow?" I'm not the woman he loves, he realizes that now.
"Yes! Right! Willow."
I'm the woman he'll never love.
The End