Rating: PG
Distribution: TPWFLD anyone else: ask.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, just the plot. Blah blah. Can ya tell I'm tired of writting these things?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Finally, it was time. Almost three months ago, a man had been sentenced to an eternity of suffering, because of a cruel twist of fate. *Now,* Willow thought, *I can make it right.* In the last four months everything had fallen apart. Buffy was gone, the slayerettes were in panic and Angel was in hell.
Everything had seemed hopeless before he came. Whistler had shown them the path to make everything right. With his help Willow was now strong enough to bring Angel back. But even with Angel back she didn't know if things could return to normal. Xander had told everyone of his betrayal and now Willow had a hard time trusting him. He wanted to make up for his mistake and that was why he was there waiting for her to bring Angel back. He was determined to help her and Angel through this, to show how sorry he really was.
"Are you ready Willow?" Whistler broke into her thoughts.
"Yeah, lets do this. Angel shouldn't have to suffer one moment more." Willow looked at the library. It looked so different from its' everyday uses. Candles burned everywhere, a binding circle had been set up in the middle of the room. It was time. Willow began to chant:
Gates of hell
open
I command thee
to release the prisoner Angelus
Remove the demon
from his body
I bind thee to
my will
Release him
A strong wind was blowing though the library, and Willows long hair was flowing like flames. She could feel hell opening and Xander could see the light in the binding circle. Determined Willow continued the spell.
Bring him forth
into this realm
Release him from
his torture.
Now a form could be seen coming into view, his body rigid and bound by some mystical force. Screaming in pain. Slowly the form came through the portal. Willow began to banish the demons and hell from this plane.
Be gone, close
the gates
Leave the prisoner
here.
Take thy brethren
with you
Depart!
The portal closed and the wind died down, as the light faded away it revealed a man lying on the floor, his clothes in tatters. Xander ran for the first aide kit, while Willow and the Whistler went for Angel. Willow knelt beside him. He was bleeding from various wounds, what she could see of his back had angry welts across it. His wrists were red and bruised as if he had been tied to something and he had fought to get free. When she laid a hand on his shoulder he lifted his head to look at her.
He stared at her for a moment. He knew he should know that face. It was so kind, the girls eyes held compassion and pity. He knew this girl, if only he could remember her name. Slowly it returned to him "Willow?" he whispered hoarsely.
"Yes, Angel it's me."
"How? Why? Where am I? What about the demons! If they find......"
"Angel! Angel look at me." She held his chin in her hands forcing him to look in her eyes. He was so pitiful right now. It was obvious how weak he was, how he had no idea where he was or what had happened. "Your safe Angel. We're in the library. We're going to get you cleaned up and into bed. All right?"
He nodded and tried to climb to his knees. He screamed in pain and the tears flowed down his face. He collapsed and Willow caught him, holding his head in her lap. She turned to look behind her. "Carry him into the back room."
"Sure, Will."
Angel lifted his head again as he heard another familiar voice. It was a voice that had often caused him great annoyance. "Xander?"
"Right here, Dead Boy. Now just relax so we can get you to bed."
Angel sank back into Willows embrace closed his eyes, and felt gentle hands take him by his feet and under his arms. He felt someone supporting his head and neck with their hands. They lifted him into the air and carried him into a room. He didn't even bother to open his eyes, he was in just too much pain and way too tired.
"Willow, go get the bedroom ready and Xander and I will get him cleaned up."
That voice made Angels' eyes snap open. He knew who that voice belonged to.
"Whistler?"
"Right here Angel. Just relax, we'll answer your questions later. Right now we need to get you cleaned up."
Xander, Willow and Whistler were watching over him. Angel let him self relax and spiraled into unconsciousness.
*******************
When Angel next awoke, he thought he hadn't opened his eyes yet. When he blinked it dawned on him that he was awake. He just couldn't see. Angel had no memory of previous events, such as Willow, Xander and Whistler saving him. All he knew was that he was in a strange place and very weak and vulnerable. Angel tried to sit up only to be forced back down. His fear died away when he heard the familiar voice.
"Down Dead Boy, heel. God Angel, relax!"
"X-Xander? Why can't I see? Where am I?"
"Well, the reason you can't see is the sedative, it's one of the side effects....don't worry it's temporary."
Angel let out a sigh of relief, then noticed that Xander hadn't answered his last question. "Where am I?"
"Oh, you're in a back room in the library." Xander stood and called into the next room. "Willow!" Xander didn't want to be the one to have to answer the inevitable questions that would need answering. He also didn't like how sorry he was for Angel. The vampire was truly in a pitiful state.
Willow came into the room. "What is it Xander?" She noticed that Angel was conscious. "Oh, Hi Angel. Feeling better?" She sat down on the bed and stroked his hair, knowing that the physical contact would reassure him. She couldn't imagine what it was like being blind even if it was only temporary. The effects would wear off in a few days but still.....
"I don't know." Angel replied, "Willow what's going on, what's happening? I don't remember anything."
She sighed and took his hand in hers. "Angel, I'll tell you what I can, and you're not going to like it."
"Willow, please......I have to know."
"All right. What's the last thing you remember?"
"We were trying to stop the Judge. We got caught and when we got loose we went back to my apartment and......."
"We know Angel. That night was when you lost your soul. The gypsy curse had a catch, if you were ever happy, even for a moment truly happy, then your soul would be taken away."
"My-my soul?" Angel
waited, dreading what Willow would say next.
"Angel after you lost your soul, Angelus was up to his old tricks. Trying to drive Buffy insane by killing us off. Angel.....there' s something I need to tell you. Angelus.....killed.....Ms. Calendar."
These words struck something inside Angel and he began to remember that night he killed the gypsy woman. How he had enjoyed it The fear in her eyes and how that fear had delighted him. "Dear God." he whispered. "Willow what else did I do?" She could barely hear him.
She watched him, the horror in his eyes and she could tell that he was beginning to remember that night. She gripped his hand tighter offering what comfort and reassurance she could. "Angel, maybe we should stop now." She stood and turned to go, but was tethered to the bedside by an iron grip.
"Willow......please. Tell me."
She sighed with defeat. "Angelus came very close to killing Buffy quite a few times. It was killing her having to fight the demon while it controlled your body. He killed her friend Theresa just for the pain it would cause her. Then came Acathla. Angelus was trying to send the world into hell. He ordered an attack on the library and Drusilla killed Kendra. I was put in the hospital, Xander broke his arm. Buffy went to stop him. She never came back. We didn't know that you were in Hell until Whistler came and told us."
Willow could see the haunted look in his eyes as memories slowly came back to him. "Willow.......why did Buffy stab me? I had my soul back. Why?"
"You're blood was the key. She had to stab you in order to close the vortex."
"Why, why didn't she just kill me when she had the chance. She should have ended it the second she found out what happened. Why?"
Xander spoke. "Because she loves you. Always has, always will."
"She left because of me."
"No, Dead Boy, she
left because she was forced to make a choice she should never have had
to make. Because her Mom kicked her out. Because of Angelus.
Not you."
"Why? Xander why are you acting like this. I've tried to kill you more than once."
"Because. I'm partly responsible for you......." Xander stopped and gathered his strength. "I'm part of the reason you were sent to hell."
Angel didn't respond. It was kinda of weird to see Angel look at you and know that he didn't see you. All you could see in his eyes was his emotions.
"Angel, I'm sorry. I should have told Buffy that Willow was trying the curse again. Because of my hatred two innocent people got hurt. You and Buffy. I'm sorry."
"Xander."
The firm tone in Angels' voice made Xander look up. "Xander, after all the things I've done, I can't judge you. I've made worse mistakes that you'll ever make."
"Angel........thanks."
Angel turned to Willow. "You gave me back my soul. Thank you Willow, thank you so much."
"Angel, it's all right. You're my friend."
"Willow? Where's Buffy? Do you know?"
"Yes, eventually she sent us a letter telling us where she was. She wouldn't come home though. Her mother is going nuts and Giles was called to the Watchers Council, to decide what to do. But after we brought you out, we called her and told her. She's on her way here now."
"Willow, I can't face her. After everything I've done....." he trailed off.
His eyes were beginning
to close and his forehead glistened with sweat.
Willow placed a finger on his lips. "Ssshh, don't worry about it. Right now you need to rest. Just sleep. Get your strength back." She reached for another wet cloth and placed it on his forehead. "Just sleep."
Slowly Angel gave into fatigue and slept.
*********************
Slowly Buffy approached
the library. This was home and yet she was afraid. Of seeing him. Of him
hating her. She had promised that she'd come. She took a deep breath and
walked inside.
*********************
Xander stood watching the door. He sucked in a breath when Buffy walked in. She look so thin and unhappy. "Buffy."
Willow turned at the sound of his voice. "Buffy!" She wrapped her arms around her friend.
"Oh Willow, I missed you guys. How is he?"
"He's sleeping. You could go in now if you want. Just watch him sleep. He shouldn't wake up yet.....he's pretty weak. But you could decide what you want to say."
"Thanks Will."
End Part 1
Buffy opened the door to Angels' room and crept inside. Her heart ached for him. She walked to his bedside and gently stroked his cheek. He looked so tired. So vulnerable. His expression was peaceful, yet haunted at the same time. She heard a noise behind her and turned to see Xander.
"Will, wanted me to tell you just in case he wakes up. Because of sedative we gave him he's temporarily blind."
"Oh. For how long?"
"Couple days tops."
Neither of them were prepared when Angel groaned and opened his eyes. Xander went quickly and quietly to the door and called Willow. She hurried in and dashed to Angels' side and took his hand.
"Hey Angel. Did the rest help?"
"Yeah, thanks Willow."
"Angel....there's someone here to see you. It's Buffy."
Involuntarily Angel gripped Willows' hand in a death grip. He was scared. He just wanted to hold Buffy, but how could she forgive him?
"Buffy." he whispered. He sensed someone come forward and Willow released his hand. Someone else took it.
"I'm here, Angel."
"Buffy.......I'm sorry. For everything I did, for the people I hurt. I...."
he choked. "I'm sorry" He tried to sit up and felt a strong hand on his shoulder. Buffy propped up his pillows and pushed him back down on to them. He felt her sit down beside him.
"Angel there's nothing to apologize for. It wasn't you. It was Angelus. Not you." She wrapped her arms around him and put her head on his shoulder. Xander and Willow took this opportunity to leave the room.
*God this hurts* she thought. It was hard seeing him so lost and vulnerable. She could tell not being able to see was really getting to him. It just added to the pain he was feeling. She felt Angels' hands on her shoulders forcing her up.
"Buffy, you know we can't do this. You should hate me. You need to stay away from me. I don't deserve friendship, or love, or trust. I......."
Buffy couldn't stand the way he whipped himself with the guilt. She stopped him the only way she knew how. She kissed him. Tears began to fall from his eyes. She held him, rocking him gently. Slowly, listening to the sound of her heart he fell asleep.
*********************
She had been sitting there for lord knew how long just holding him. She felt so bad for Angel, he couldn't forgive himself. She would have to be strong for him and watch him. It was very possible that in a moment of despair that Angel would do something rash, such as killing himself. *I'm the one who needs to apologize* She thought. *I didn't even consider that there might be a way to get him back. I just ran and never looked back. Oh, how I've missed him. How I hated fate for taking him from me when I just when I got him back. But I'm going to make up for it.......if he'll let me.*
Angel began to stir and Buffy looked down. His eyes opened and focused on her. "Buffy."
"Hey, you're looking right at me. Does that mean that you can see again?"
"Things are starting to focus. I can't see clearly yet, but it's improving."
He noticed that she was still holding him. "Why are you still here? How can you be so good to me after everything I've done?"
"Angel, we've been through this, I don't blame you. You couldn't stop it. It wasn't your fault. If anything I should be asking your forgiveness."
"What!? Why? What do you have to be sorry for?" He didn't understand why she felt guilty, or what she felt guilty about.
"Angel, you lost your soul because of what we did! At the mansion, I acted like nothing was wrong, told you to close your eyes, and stabbed you! I sent you to Hell! Don't you remember?" Tears fell from her eyes. "How much do you remember Angel?"
"I remember some, but not all. Buffy you did what you had to do. You wanted to spare me pain. And never *never* feel guilty about that night. That was one of the best nights of my life. There's nothing to feel sorry for, but if you need me to say it, I forgive you."
She stroked his cheek. "Oh, Angel. Thank you. Thank you so much." Then her brow furrowed in concern. "Tell me, exactly what do you remember?"
"I remember most of the people that Angelus killed. Some of the memories are vague, some are crystal clear. I remember everything I said to you, and I remember most of the fight at the mansion."
"I wonder why you don't remember everything. You remembered everything the first time around."
"I don't know. Everything is just muddled. So confusing. I......I just can't.......seem to sort through it. I'm afraid to remember everything."
"Don't worry Angel, I'll be right here. I'll help you through this."
"Buffy I....."
They were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Buffy turned and saw Giles.
"Buffy, who is it?" His vision was still not good enough to make out the person at the door.
"It's me. Giles."
Angel froze. He wasn't ready to face Giles. He had killed the woman that Giles loved. Angel had killed one of *his* friends. How Giles must hate him.
He said nothing, just waited for the inevitible explosion. It didn't come.
"How are you feeling Angel?"
Angel just sat there for a moment. He couldn't have heard right. "W-What?" He finally pulled away from Buffy. He looked towards the blurred image of Giles.
"How are you feeling?"
"B-Better."
"Angel, I forgive you."
"Huh?!"
"It wasn't you, it was Angelus that killed Jenny. I know that you feel guilty and are waiting for me to condemn you but it's just not going to happen. Sorry to disappoint you. Angel you are the only one who blames you. Everyone has worked hard to get you back, to give you another chance. Angel, you will never loose your soul again. Angel, you have your life back. Don't waste it feeling guilty. Live it. Live it for Jenny and all those who Angelus hurt. Be happy just to spite him."
Even Buffy was shocked. She stood up and hugged Giles out of gratitude. "Oh, thank you Giles. Thank you so much." They looked over at Angel who was deep in thought. They left him to sort through his feelings in peace.
****************************
Angel couldn't believe what he had just heard. Giles forgave him, didn't blame him at all. The others didn't either. But he couldn't forgive himself.
All those he had killed, and hurt. He had tortured Giles! It worried him that he couldn't remember everything. That he was strangely detached from his emotions. Deep in thought he fell asleep.
********************
Buffy had gone home to face her mother, Xander had gone home to get some sleep, Giles was lord knows where and that left Willow in the library watching over Angel. She sat in a chair by his bed reading a book. She really couldn't focus though. She was worried about Angel. There was sure to be emotional damage from his experiences in Hell and from his memories. The fact that he couldn't remember some things scared her. He might be repressing those thoughts. She looked at him, his sleep was restless and she could tell he was having nightmares. But she didn't want to wake him because he needed his rest.
She went back to her book, trying not to worry. She hadn't read three words when Angel sat bolt upright in bed screaming. She jumped out of her chair startled then ran to his side, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. After a moment it finally registered with Angel, and he stopped screaming and looked at her stunned. His cheeks were moist from tears he hadn't known he'd shed. Willow wiped them away.
"Easy, Angel. Take a deep breath. That's it." She held his hand and stroked his dark hair with the other. "What did you dream about Angel?"
He wiped sweat from his forehead. "Willow......I-I.......oh god......I saw......"
"Angel." Her voice was firm. "Look at me."
Angel just stared out into space, gasping for breath. She took his face in her hands and made him look her in the eyes. "Angel, just take it easy, one step at a time. What were you dreaming about?"
"That night.....the night.....that I killed Jenny."
"Tell me."
"Willow, do you honestly want to know what I did to her?"
"If it will help you feel better. Angel, I walked in to find all my friends murdered at the school. I can handle it."
Angel nodded. "I can see myself sneaking into the school, and into her classroom. I just sat there a watched her for a while until she noticed me.
God, she....was so scared and she backed away, I trashed the computer then went after her. I managed to cut her off and then......and........then.........I...........I.....I.........NO!" Suddenly Angel was on his feet and running towards the door. Still weak, however, he made it half way and collapsed sobbing.
Willow ran to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Sshhh. Easy. Angel take deep slow breaths. That's good." Slowly he began to calm down, and he turned and rested his head on her shoulder seeking refuge from the memories. He sobbed quietly on her shoulder and slowly wore himself out and fell asleep.
Willow was still on the floor with Angel huddled in her arms when Xander and Whistler walked into the room.
"Will! What happened? Is he okay?" Xander asked, concerned. (miracles never cease)
"Oh, Xander. . .he had a nightmare and I got him to talk about it, but he just went nuts and tried to run out. He just kinda collapsed right here and......oh God, no one should ever hurt like that."
"Don't worry Willow, we'll get him to snap out of it. Right Whistler?"
"Yeah, but it will take time. Right now, lets get him back to bed. And then we'll call Buffy, she should be here when he wakes up."
End Part 2
Buffy raced back to the library after Willow called. The bad thing was that Joyce, her mother had insisted on coming along. Now that she knew of Buffys' life as the Slayer, she was determined to be part of it. And if that meant checking on Vampire boyfriends so be it.
Buffy turned to her mother. "Now Mom, if you want to talk to Angel go easy on him. He can't handle a guilt trip right now. So no yelling, berating, or lecturing Okay?"
"Yes, Buffy. You know I don't want to make things worse. I know you love him."
"Thanks Mom."
Buffy walked in followed closely by her Mom. "Willow? Is he awake yet?"
"No, but he's starting to come around so you better get in there. Mrs Summers? What are doing her?"
"Support."
Buffy opened the door to Angels' room, walked over to him, and took his hand. He moaned and opened his eyes. Buffy took a step back shocked. His eyes were even more haunted than before. He looked like he was barely in control of his emotions. She had to be careful. One wrong move could send him over the edge. With all this guilt no telling what he might do to himself.
"Hey, Angel." She brushed his hair off his forehead. "How ya feeling?"
"Buffy. I.....look you shouldn't be here. After everything I've done, the people I've hurt, you can't be here. You're the Slayer, if anything, you should do your duty and stake me."
"Angel it wasn't you...."
"Dammit Buffy! I
killed Miss, Calendar! I killed Jenny! I deserve to die. I'm a threat to
you and your friends. Leave! I love you, but you have to go." He turned
on his side facing away from her, pulling his hand out of hers.
Buffy just stood there fighting the tears. "Angel-"
"GO!"
"Buffy," Joyce stepped in. "Go wait in the library for a few minutes. I need to talk to Angel."
"Mom,...."
"It's all right. Don't worry about it. Just give us a few minutes."
Buffy left and Joyce sat in the chair next to the bed. "Angel." He didn't move. "Angel, look at me. I'm not going away and we have all night."
He didn't look at her, but he did reply. "What do you want?"
"I want you to look at me." Ever the stubborn mother.
He turned to face her, tears streaming down his face. "Fine. I'm looking at you, happy?"
"No."
"Figures."
"Angel, I won't be happy until Buffy is happy, and Buffy can't be happy until she knows that your okay."
"Buffy doesn't have to worry about me anymore. There is no us anymore, so she can move on."
Joyce stood up and sat on the bed next to Angel. She wiped his tears away with her hand. "Angel, you told Buffy that you loved her. Did you mean it?"
"Yes, of course." Angel was shocked that anyone could doubt it.
"And I know that she loves you. It's not going to just go away. And this isn't like the first curse, you're you forever. I've gotten to see both Angel and Angelus and I like you much better. I know that you would give your life for my daughter, you'd do anything to keep from being hurt, and she'd do the same for you. You can lean on her Angel. She won't fall over, she doesn't hate you. If anything she loves you more, cause she realizes what a good thing she had with you. If my daughter can love you like that I know that you're a good, loving, gentle person, Angel. You need to let go of the guilt, I know it will take time, but you need to move on. Everyone else forgives you, you need to forgive yourself.
Angel just looked at her. This brought back memories of his mother. But he didn't know how to respond. He knew that Joyce didn't expect him to. She just sat there and held his hand while he buried himself in his thoughts.
Joyce sat there until Angel brooded himself to sleep and went to the door. "Buffy! You can come in now." She said softly.
Buffy came to the door and looked in. Angel was sleeping.
"Just sit with him. Be there when he wakes up. Hold him, let him know that you love him and you forgive him. It won't happen over night, but he'll snap out of it."
Buffy hugged her Mom and went to Angel. She climbed onto the bed behind him and fell asleep with him in her arms.
********************
Angel opened his eyes and looked around her was surprised to see Buffy laying there with her arms wrapped around him. Sound asleep. Angel brushed the hair from her eyes and just admired her beauty. Joyce was right. He couldn't turn his back on her....he just loved her way too much. But he couldn't forget what had happened either. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the faces of the people he had killed. He heard their screams and cries of pain. He looked down at Buffy, then gently moved out of her embrace and sat up. He slowly swung his feet to the floor and stood up using the wall for support slowly he made his way to the corner and sat down to think.
Buffy panicked when she woke up and Angel was gone. Her panic was replaced with concern and being annoyed when she saw him sitting in the corner.
"Angel? What's wrong?"
"I just needed to think."
"What? Can't think laying down? You shouldn't be up yet! I'll tell Willow, she'll skin you alive."
Angel had to laugh. "Yeah, she would. Buffy I've been doing a lot of thinking and...."
"I know, you want me to leave. It's okay I under......"
"Buffy!" Angel stood up and Buffy rushed to his side to support him. He silenced her protests to his activity. "Buffy, what I was going to say is I love you. It's not going to be easy, but I want to make it work. I can't forget what's happened. I can't forgive myself right now. But I love you too much. So if you'll have me......"
"Oh, Angel. I love you too." She caressed his cheek and kissed him passionately. When they finally separated she put his arm around her shoulder.
"Now back to bed. And I'm still telling Willow." Once she got him under the covers she went to the door. "Willow!" she called sweetly. "Come here. Angel was out of bed."
A red streak shot in to the room. "Angel, what were you thinking! You're still too weak to be up and walking." She stood there, shaking her finger at him, scolding him. "You're going to make yourself worse! Now, you're going to do as your told and stay off your feet."
"Willow, come on. I need to get out of this room for a while. I want to go outside."
"Okay........if you use a wheelchair."
"No way. I am not rollerboy." Then he noticed the resolve face and sighed.
"Fine."
Angel endured their fussing. They ran about getting blankets, getting a warm sweater for him blah, blah. He sighed as Buffy helped him sit. Sitting wasn't the hard part. Remaining on ones' feet was the challenge. Neither would be pleased to realize that he wanted to go out so he could look at the stars and forget. Just not think for a while. He could never let Buffy know how much he hurt inside. But he didn't know how long he could hide it from her. He took a deep breath as Buffy pushed him out into the night. He looked at the sky and closed his eyes. When he opened them again. Buffy was kneeling in front of him.
"Angel, did you honestly think you could hide it from us? We all can see how much your hurting inside. Let it go. You don't have to hide it from us. We know you're hurting and you can lean on us. We're not going to fall over if you do. I know you're holding the tears back, Angel. Just let it out. It will help trust me."
Angel reached out for Buffys' hand. "I can't face it right now Buffy. I can't deal with it. I'll go crazy. I just need time. Please try to understand."
"I'll see that you'll have all the time in the world."
End Part 3
Angel was healing physically, but Willow was worried about his emotional well being. She needed to tell him a few things and hopefully it would cheer him up. Angel was sitting in his room alone, staring at the wall. He didn't even look up when she came in.
"Angel?"
"Hmm? Oh Willow, hi."
"Angel, there are a few things that I need to talk to you about. Okay?"
"Sure Willow." Now he was starting to pay attention. She looked very serious.
"Angel.......how much do you remember from when I pulled you out of hell?"
"I-I remember the pain, feeling something had been torn out of my body. Then seeing you and Xander, why?"
"Angel, when you felt something being torn from you, that was your demon. The demon is no longer inside you."
"Willow, what are you saying, I can still vamp out, I still heal quickly, I still have the strength...."
"Angel, you still a vampire of sorts, but look." She pulled a cross out from behind her back. Angel flinched back expecting pain. "Angel, trust me. You know I wouldn't hurt you."
Trustingly Angel closed his eyes and Willow put the cross to his hand. His eyes snapped open and he grabbed the cross. "Angel, you can probably go out in the light now too."
"What? Probably?"
"Well we aren't sure. We could try it though."
"Willow, open the blinds. Lets find out now."
"Angel, you're weak, we shouldn't chance this right now."
"Open it."
Willow surrendered and opened the blinds and for the first time in 241 years Angel was bathed in sunlight without pain. He actually smiled and was immediately hit with guilt. He didn't deserve to be happy for a second. He closed his eyes and leaned back. Willow immediately realized what he was doing.
"Oh, no. I did *not* cast that spell to give you a new time of day to concentrate on brooding. No. You're going outside and not brood even if I have to.....to....I don't know I'll think of something."
She stormed across the room and grabbed the wheelchair, pushing it over to the bed. "UP. SIT. NOW." She helped him up and pushed him into the chair. She swung him around and out the door.
Angel just sat in shock. He'd never, ever seen Willow this mad. She pushed him through the library doors and out into the sun. He blinked at the sudden brightness. When his eyes finally adjusted to the light. He looked up and Willow was kneeling in front of him.
"Angel. You need to realize something. We don't blame you. It was Angelus not you. You've suffered more than any of us. You need to let it out. Let go of it."
She pulled his head down to her shoulder and held him as he began to sob. She held him and let him cry. She knew that it had to be her to get through to him. It couldn't be Buffy. He loved her too much to add to her guilt by letting her see how much he hurt. Giles was too stuffy, Xander, well ya know, and Cordy, was Cordy. So that left Willow.
Slowly Angel began to quiet, but Willow refused to let go. He needed someone to lean on right now. Whether he liked it or not. Surprisingly, when Angel finally got his crying under control and regained his composure, he did not pull away. He needed the contact and the comfort too much.
After an eternity, Willow took his hand and stood up. She pushed him over to a bench, while keeping one hand on his shoulder. She left him facing the bench and sat in front of him, once again taking his hand. "Angel? Are you ready to talk about it?"
"I think."
"Just remember, we can stop anytime you want."
"Thanks Will."
She waited patiently for him to begin. When he sat quietly, she decided to get it going. "Angel, when Buffy stabbed you and you went into the vortex, what was it like? I mean what were you thinking."
He looked into her eyes. "I didn't understand. I was so confused and I trusted her. I wish she would have told me. I love her so much, and it hurt so much when she did it. I know now that she had to, but then, I was so betrayed. In Hell they rubbed that in so much. The woman I love sent me to Hell because she hated me and knew now that I was a monster at heart."
As Angel sat there, Willow saw every moment of torment reflected in his eyes. "It's Okay now Angel. I think that's enough for now. You should get some rest now."
"Yeah, I'm really tired. Willow......thanks for being there."
"Any time. We'll get you through this." She got up and pushed him back into the library. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he was sound asleep. She sat by the bed, holding his hand, and watched him sleep. It was bad. Very bad. They would all have to watch him very carefully, he was in serious danger of loosing it. No matter how hard he tried to pretend that he was fine.
Joyce Summers walked quietly into the room. "How's he doing Willow?"
Willow jumped. "Oh, Mrs. Summers! You scared me. Angel's doing okay physically, but the emotional scars are going to a lot longer to heal."
"You need to get him out of this room and out into the world. Show him what he's been missing, He'll come around. When he's stronger, take him to an amusement park or something. Hiking, anything. Just get him up and moving. Be there when he needs a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on. Just be there. That's all any of you can do."
"But what if it's not enough? I mean, he's really hurting, and none of us know how to make it go away."
"But that's just it Willow, you can't make it go away. It's only going to fade into a distant ache. He may never recover fully. He'll always remember and regret it. He's just got to learn to live with it and eventually forgive himself. But-you can't let him wallow in self pity either. He'll go crazy if he does that. Keep him distracted for a while and let him face it slowly, not all at once. Let him heal at his own pace."
"But, Mrs. Summers, what should we do first?"
"Try taking him out to the park. A nice relaxing day. Actually you ought to take him tomorrow morning. Just for a few hours. Getting out will be good for him."
Just then Buffy walked in.
"Where have you been Buffy?" Willow didn't understand why she hadn't been here with Angel.
"I've been getting my life back together. Slowly getting things cleared up. How's Angel?"
"Resting."
"I'm going to go sit with him."
"That's a good idea, Buffy. Oh, by the way, I was thinking....how about we take Angel to the park tomorrow? I think the change of scenery would do him good."
"Great idea Will. Oh well, I'm going to go sit with him now."
"Buffy?"
"Yeah Mom?"
"Just remember not to push. He'll come around. And Buffy? He really is a great person."
"Thanks Mom.."
Buffy walked quietly to the door of the room, and stood watching Angel sleep for a moment. She crept up to his bed and smiled as she brushed his hair from his eyes. It felt so good to have him home, safe again.
But Buffy wasn't fooling herself, Angel had a lot of healing to do. And he needed a friend. And she was starting to realize that it couldn't be her.
Angel worried about hurting her too much. He wouldn't tell her what he felt because it might cause her pain.
*But,* she thought, *I have a feeling that Willow has already taken that position.* She looked down at the sleeping vampire. *Good luck pushing Willow away, Angel. You'll need it.*
After a moments hesitation, Buffy climbed in bed beside Angel and fell asleep.
Angel awoke from another nightmare with a start. He sat bolt upright in bed.
He turned when he felt someone's arms slide around him.
"Buffy! Oh God." He wrapped his arms around her tightly, shuddering with fear.
"It's okay, Angel. I'm here, I'm here. You're safe. I'm not going to let anything hurt you. I swear." She stroked his hair, desperately trying to calm him. "Sshh. Just take a deep breath. That's it."
Angel slowly began to collect his thoughts and calm down. It felt so good to have Buffy here with him. To feel her arms holding him tightly. To feel her fingers in his hair. To know that she loved him. Slowly he pulled away.
"Buffy......could you please go get Willow?" He hesitated not wanting to hurt her. "I'm not trying to push you away.....it's just......"
"Angel. It's all right. I understand. You need to talk to a friend, not your lover. Hold on, I'll send her in."
Buffy squeezed his hand and went to get Willow. A few moments later Willow walked calmly into the room.
"Hey, Angel." Her voice was calm, soothing. "What's wrong?" She extended her hand and Angel gratefully took it.
"I was dreaming about when.....I-I.....was in Hell. I can't talk to Buffy about it, because, I don't want her to feel guilty."
"It's okay, that's what friend are for. Just tell me, what happened in your dream.."
Angel looked down, and when he looked back up, the haunted, hunted look in his eyes, sent an icy dagger into Willow's soul. "I keep seeing it, Willow. Reliving it every moment in my sleep. I feel the demon claws dig through my skin. I hear myself screaming, and the demons laughing at my weakness. I can't get it out of my head."
"It'll take time. But you have to talk about it."
"I know."
"You also have to get some sleep, Angel" Whistlers voice came from the doorway. "I've got something here that should help with that." Whistler turned to Willow. "You have to chant a little spell, after he drinks this stuff."
Angel eyed the book and bottle nervously. "What'll it do?"
"It will just put you into a deep sleep. This stuff, makes you have happy dreams though."
Angel managed a smile. "Sounds good." He obediently drank the potion and Willow chanted the spell. Soon Angel was sound asleep. A smile on his face.
The next morning, Buffy walked quietly into the room, pulled the curtains on the window open. As the morning light fell across him, Angel opened his eyes.
Buffy smiled at him, and sat beside him on the bed. "Hey, how do you feel?"
Angel smiled faintly. "I'm better after a good nights sleep."
Buffy took his hand in hers. "Willow had a good idea. Do you feel up to going to the park today?"
Angel hesitated. "Yeah, I guess."
Buffy smiled and squeezed his hand. "Willow will be glad to hear that." Buffy went to the door. "Hey, Will, let's get your patient ready for the park!"
Willow came in and went to the closet. She pulled out a red t-shirt, blue jeans, and threw them at Angel. "No black for you today Angel. Except maybe your jacket. We don't want to take a chance on you getting sick."
"Can I even get sick?" Angel asked intrigued.
"I don't know. But now isn't the time to take a chance. Now me and Buffy will wait outside call when you've gotten you close on." Buffy and Willow walked out.
Angel muttered something about bossy women and proceeded to get dressed.
"Hey! Willow! what about socks and shoes!?"
Willow walked in holding a bag. She pulled out tennis shoes, and white socks.
Angel eyed them suspiciously. They weren't his normal style.
Willow smiled when she saw his questioning look. "You are going to dress for a day of fun. Now, if you wear these and don't complain, I'll let you get out of the wheelchair while we're at the park. Deal?"
Angel held out his hands. "Give them here."
Willow laughed. She thought that that would be enough to get him to cooperate. She threw them to him and he caught them and quickly pulled on his shoes and socks. He didn't even complain when they pushed the wheelchair over to him. He sat in it quietly without protest.
Willow and Buffy smiled. "Well, Buffy. Now we know how to get him to behave. You gotta bribe him." Buffy laughed and Angel smiled and shook his head.
"Hey, I've said it before, I'm *not* rollerboy."
Angel closed his eyes and let Willow push him into the park. Buffy walked beside them, hovering protectively. Oz, Xander, and Cordy walked behind them. He was trying so hard to just be miserable. It was what he deserved.
As if sensing Angel's thoughts, Xander crept up behind Willow, motioned for her to be quiet, and took over pushing the chair. Without warning he pushed down on the handles and the front wheels lifted off the ground.
Angel gave a started yell, and his eyes snapped open. Xander set him back down laughing, and Angel turned to glare at him. "Xander! You just wait until I get my hands on you!"
Against his will his glare softened and smile lit up his eyes.
"Come on Dead Boy. Learn to take a little joke." Xander dodged a playful attack from Angel. "Ha ha! Missed me!"
"He may have but I won't!" Willow tackled Xander and they went down laughing. Soon Oz and Cordielia joined the game, the girls against the guys. When Buffy went to join them, Angel grabbed Buffy around the waist and pulled her into his lap. "Oh no. No fair making it three against two."
Buffy laughed and struggled against him. The chair tipped and they fell to the ground laughing. Buffy tried to scramble away. But Angel just laughed and pulled her back down. "Willow! Cordielia! Help!" Buffy laughed calling for reinforcements as Angel tickled her without mercy. Willow, and Cordielia having subdued their boyfriends tackled Angel with relish. He laughed as Buffy held his wrists and Will and Cordy tickled him.
Recovering Oz and Xander pulled the girls off of Angel and the group fell to the ground exhausted. They laid laughing until their sides hurt. Slowly they began to get up and Willow offered her hand to Angel. He took it and slowly rose to his feet and was pleasantly surprise to find that he could very easily stand on his own. Willow walked beside Angel as they made their way to a picnic table. Oz, Cordy, Xand, and Buffy went to play frisby while Willow sat talking with Angel.
"See, Angel. I told you that some fresh air and sunlight would be good for you." Willow was delighted at her friends lighthearted mood.
"You were right, Will. I feel better than I've felt in a long time. It's all thanks to you."
Willow opened her mouth to protest, but Angel silenced her with a finger on her lips. "No Willow. I owe everything to you. *You* restored my soul. *You* pulled me out of Hell and nursed me back to health. *You* made it possible for me to see the sun again. I owe you my life, Willow."
Willow thought for a moment, then reached out and took his hand in hers.
"Angel. You don't have to thank me. I'm glad that I could help. You're my friend. I just want you to be happy. Now you can be."
Angel smiled and hugged her. "And it's all thanks to you, Will." Their touching moment was interrupted by a wayward frisby, which smacked Willow and Angel right in the head.
"Ow!" Willow glared at Xander, who could not contain his laughter. "Oh, you think that it's funny? Just wait."
Angel and Willow joined the game. It wouldn't be easy, and it would take time, but the wounds would slowly heal, and they could rebuild their lives.
Angel knew that he could count on Willow and she knew the same of him. Friends forever.
The End